Newly single mom of 2 + 1

midwife · 11-08-2011, 10:57 AM

You are not a horrible mother. I've just read this thread and my jaw has dropped because of all of the amazing effort you are putting forth for your children. I'm glad you are here and can vent. I may have missed it, but are you working with a counselor too? Maybe through a church? Let the other people in your life give you emotional support. And, I'm glad you're going for child support.

bargoo · 11-08-2011, 11:04 AM

You are not crazy, but you are certainly stressed. Have you pursued your ex regarding child support ? This is not an option for him. he must be held legally responsible for his children. I urge you to do this if you haven't. You do not know what the future holds, don't try to do it all by yourself. It's not your concern that he has other chidren, it is your concern that yours be taken care of. When the child support comes in you may be able to send the kids to preschool even if it is only part time which will give you a little break.

Kernjamie · 11-23-2011, 04:00 PM

Feeling hopeless as time goes on. I am glad that I got out of my marriage, but things just feel like they are going no where. I want my kids to be in daycare because they have been more than ready and I am just exhausted and burned out from being with them 24/7 for the past almost 2 years. I have no more patience and I find myself being short and angry with them a lot of the time, when none of this is their fault. Everyone in my family either lives too far away, or works. When the new baby comes, day care will cost $450-$500 a week. I will be lucky if I can even find a job that pays close to that. I have applied for Family Central, however, I have been on a waiting list for about 22 months now. I am angry all the time at myself, at my kids, and my family, and at God. Why is all of this so complicated. Why is our world so cruel to the low and mid class people? I feel like nothing is getting better. I feel alone. I am 28 years old and I still feel the same anxieties, the same fear that I don't fit in anywhere, the same anger, the same hopelessness, that I felt in high school when I was in full blown anorexia. Just now I can't stop eating when things go wrong. I can't seem to get up early enough in the morning before the kids to work on me. I am just so exhausted from being pregnant and all this craziness, I want to give up.

desiresdestiny · 11-23-2011, 06:06 PM

Rooting for you and sending you a huge ((((hug))))

Kernjamie · 11-27-2011, 05:44 PM

Haven't done much this weekend. I thought I would be able to start doing better before this weekend hit but mostly I have been going over a plan of action for my recovery. Because everyday is different, the other adults in the house have different schedules, or I need to go to appointments, or there are errands to be done, I have decided to write out a daily schedule every night, and design it according to what needs to be done the next day. Things like meal times and sleep times will remain pretty much the same. I will try to keep backyard play/water play/outdoor art activities in the morning, and park in the afternoon. I like to have the park in the afternoon right before my dad comes home so that he can have a few minutes to himself without the kids bothering him. I know my dad is getting impatient with me and my parenting, he sees me as lazy and probably thinks I sit around all day doing nothing.
Bed time for me is going to be early, 8-9pm, but it is a must if I want to get up at 5am. I seem to need a lot more sleep during pregnancy. I have been subscribed to O.A. groups on yahoo and my treatment center has a group online. My new goal is to try to read and respond to those as much as possible since I can't get out to a meeting. There are also online meetings.
I kind of feel stuck, like I can't move forward, cause I am pregnant. I can't work on weight loss and my exercise options are limited. Plus I can't get a job, cause no one is going to hire me 6 months pregnant, although, no one can even tell I am pregnant yet. When the baby comes, how will I get a job. A night job will be impossible cause my dad isn't a good choice of person to get up in the middle of night to take care of the kids when they wake up. HHHUUHH, i hope and pray that I can find a good job and/or family central will finally approve me by then so the kids can go to preschool.
I know it is GOD's hands, but I am not someone who is very trusting, even with GOD. I think I don't have any connection with my own father, so the relationship with my holy father is on and off. I know I can do this, I have been a little depressed lately with everything that has been going on, but I know if I reach out and actually try rather than taking the easy way out of my emotions, which is always food, I can be a more productive person. I know I have flaw and defects of character, but I also know I can change these if I actually try.

Kernjamie · 12-02-2011, 06:17 PM

Finally got into the doctor yesterday. My appointment was at 8:30 in the morning and I didn't get seen until 1:30 because the new girl told me to have a seat until I was called when she should of told me to take my paper work to the next window. Nice! My ex is really annoying me, acting like one day we will be back together and still calling me baby. He texts me stuff like I want to hear your soft voice and I feel spiritually whole when you and the kids are around me. GAG. I feel uneasy and grossed out when I am a round him, which I can't say out loud, but sometimes I want to. Because out whole relationship was based on lies and mistrust, I have lost all respect and desire to be around him. He just disgusts me in every way possible.
I started eating better yesterday. I don't feel real good right now. I want to binge, which is counterproductive to how I am feeling. Just feeling inadequate and disappointing to everyone, especially the one person that it maters most that I make proud. I don't feel he really wants us here living with him, however, I will never go back to my ex just to not live with my dad. I know the kids are in a better environment here. I will just have to suffer through my feelings and past that I haven't faced. I just wish I could get the help I need NOW with housing and childcare. I want to start my new life with my kids by ourselves. Not with my dad judging everything that I do or don't do. Not with my dad looking at me with disgusted and disappointing eyes. Not with my dad faking that he wants us here.
I started to take up reading. I have never been a reader and always have wanted to be. It is like life experience without having to live through the pain that the characters are living through. It is a good way for me to not eat and a way for me to do something that I enjoy. However, I can see how it can be a way for me to escape and numb out also, so I must be careful, too.
I stayed up late one night reading, till in the early morning, and was sleep deprived because of it the next day. When I don't sleep well or enough, my mind tends to race with thoughts the next day. Thoughts I can't get onto paper fast enough.
At first the thoughts were thoughts of who I blame for how I am. My mom is very selfish and did nothing when my dad abused me and her when I was younger. She has never elaborated about what kind of abuse was done to me, I would like to know but have never asked. I also blame her for having an eating disorder that she never tried to get help for. She is still to this day very sick in the head with her behaviors and her OCD and how she develops unhealthy codependent relationships. I got a front row seat to all her behaviors and learned from them in a not good way. Then I felt disgust for my dad. How can he sit there and say shame on you and you should of known better for getting married to someone because it was "the right thing to do", when he did the same exact thing when my mom got pregnant with me. What about at least I tried to do the right thing, and oh well, it didn't work so it is good you got out of it. Nope. Just pretty much shame on you, you should know better even though no one ever gave you advice or prepared you for being an adult. Yeah, this makes a lot of sense, not! I don't understand. No wonder I always feel a need to be perfect for everyone and when I am not I take it out on myself to the point where I am physically abusive to my own body in the form of overeating, under eating, picking at my skin, and pulling at my hair (I was told that these are forms of cutting for some people, and I was on anxiety meds at one time to try to help me stop). Then thought of Its not my fault I am like this, but it is my responsibility to change it came into my head. Which is very overwhelming for me because I feel I don't have enough of me to go around for everyone and not enough hours in the day either. Right now, not feeling too hot about my life. I feel like a failure, and I am afraid that I will mess up my kids also because I took too long getting "better" or never got better. It is all so overwhelming and stressful.

Kernjamie · 12-06-2011, 02:16 PM

So, I have only had one slip up this month so far. Yesterday was day one. I was a way from home when the slip happened and was around family who insist on buying pizza every time we come and visit. I didn't have any money to buy myeslf something else, so I just accepted it and moved on. I am working hard with the kids. They are my main focus right now. Getting them more disciplined with nap/sleep times. Getting my son to sleep in his toddler bed and getting my daughter to not use me as a pacifier to fall asleep. I haven't even been making any milk, so, she is no longer needing me for nourishment. Also, getting her to sleep in the crib, which she has never done, at least for nap time. I didn't want a big surprise on my hand when I brought home the new baby. Some days I wish she would just take a real pacifier but then again, my son is three and I can't get him off of it. My fatigue levels have been up and down. Last week I did an exercise tape and I noticed the next day I couldn't do much as far as normal daily tasks. I just felt tired and lathargic. Because of Christmas here, I think I will take walks at night before bed to let the kids see the lights and I also walk to the park. I haven't been much for weights. I know with the last too pregnancies, fatigue was a big issue also and I lost muscle tone, but thanks to muscle memory, it wasn't too difficult to get it back. Just concentrating on eating according to food plan with much emphasis on super foods. I go for the ultrasound tomorrow. Can't wait for find out what it is.

Kernjamie · 12-06-2011, 05:38 PM

Today was a good day, until after nap time. I noticed that my Dad's 42 inch flat screen TV was acting weird, lines up and across. So there was a crack in the screen. Of course, just when my life was starting to calm down and things were feeling normal. Pretty much my dad likes things more than people so I am surprised I am even still alive to tell you this tale. I don't know who did it, but my dad blames my son because he doesn't like him. You would think that grandparents would love unconditionally, well not my dad. I feel for my son because I know what it feels like to not be the favorite in the family. Anyways, my dad's first question when he got home was who was it. Which I didn't know, so he told me that I could move out. I am glad I didn't know because then he would of just hit whoever did it, which is he answer to everything. My son was out playing in the living room later and I heard him screaming. My dad hit him over the head, for what ever reason, probably because he is a abusive jerk. I moved all their toys into out tiny bedroom and they can play with them in there from now on, we are going to just have to stay out of his way. After he said we had to move out he tried to take it back. But I know he doesn't want us here, he never has.

Kernjamie · 01-31-2012, 10:43 PM

Wow, I haven't written in a while. Last time I wrote it was about my dad and how the kids broke his TV. He didn't respond very well to that, he just reacted, and my dad's reactions never seem good. I had to tell my dad that I didn't like how he reacted to the situation especially when it came to the kids. I told him that I have always been terrified of him because of his parenting techniques. I have grown to fear my father rather than trust him and seek his help. No wonder I have made so many mistakes in my life, I was always too scared to ask for help. Things have been quiet since then. I had one big thing come up with Family Central. I have been on their waiting list for 2 years not to get approved for financial help with day care. I finally got an appointment, I was so excited. The denied me because I am a 3/4 time student and not a full time. I was so pissed off. I couldn't believe it. I actually went to the appointment with my ex, because we have not changed our status yet, and they said even if I was a single mother, the rules are the same. I don't know how they expect a single mother of three kids to work or go to school?? The system is so messed up. So, I am still going to be stuck at home after the baby comes and I won't be able to work. Plan B- switching schools. I have been putting off switching because the school I have to go to is not very close to my house and it is the only one I can go to for what I am getting a degree in. This brought me to another problem, my car is too small to fit three car seats, or even two car seats plus a booster. I need a van. I am very fortunate to be getting back a decent amount of money this year even though my ex messed up last years return and I had to pay some money. I am also fortunate to have people in my life that understand there is no way I can do anything with three kids and a small car. I can't get them to the doctor, I can't go to the store, I can't even drop them off to their dad's so I can attend school 2-3 days a week. So both my mom and my dad's ex girlfriend (who is pretty much like a step mom even though she never married my dad), were willing to help me out. I am paying most of the bill, but my dad's ex is signing the papers and even "splurged" (as she said) and got me a three year warranty with the vehicle. I tried to get my dad's opinion on all of this. I sent him the link for the vehicle so he could check it out, I mentioned it to him a couple of times, plus he knows my other car is too small and is also unreliable (it constantly breaks down). My dad's ex had the day off and went to the dealership today, she said the van was better than advertised and that she wanted to do this for me. I tried to get a hold of my dad for his opinion on the van because I am living in his house and he is paying my car insurance. He text me back "if you keep taking handouts from people you will never learn how to take care of yourself". At first I understood what he was saying, than I was furious. I am pregnant, with two small children, and no job. I'm probably going to need some help and I am fortunate to have people who care enough to help. Why should I feel guilty?? This isn't something that happens often in my life, or should I say ever. My dad is actually ashamed of me that I am on food stamps, WIC, and medicaid. Well, guess what, I have responsibilities called children that need these things and I am not letting my pride get in the way of properly taking care of them. I would do anything for them. I even told my dad that I didn't need a constant reminder of how I made a bad choice of a husband and I did give him a chance to step up, which he didn't. Now I have to start over and that means I'm going to need help. Apparently my dad has never needed help with anything and is completely oblivious to how the world and system works if you have no college degree. Pretty much your screwed. That is why I am back in school. He even thinks I will be able to send the kids to daycare and be able to pay for it. That is over $500 a week. I have never made that in my life because I have no degree, plus I live in Florida which is now considered the second most miserable state, unless your a millionaire. My friend was telling me today that she lived in Maryland and she was on everything. Now she is a single mother not making beans and she was denied both food stamps and medicaid for he kid. I hate Florida.
On a better note. I have been eating sugar/flour free for a month now. I am so proud of myself. However, portion sizes are going to need more attention when the baby comes, in 7 more weeks. I am having a boy.
Even though I have all this stress with my dad and our relationship, I think these things need to happen. They have been ignored for a long time. Our relationship will either get stronger or it will end up faltering. And like always I have to be the one to push and make an effort. Sometimes I wish he would just tell me to move out and he would be an *** hole so that I didn't have to deal with him. But that would be running and it would be too easy.

Kernjamie · 02-06-2012, 08:09 AM

I finally got my new van on Saturday. I am glad to get rid of my other car. I had it since I was a teenager. Been through a lot of things with me; first job, first crush, first heartbreak, first boyfriend, a lot of anorexia and sickness, binges, hiding, first marriage, first son, first daughter. Good memories and bad, but mostly bad. I am glad to be over that time of my life and moving on. The children's dad is trying to get me to work things out. I pretty much told him that I have been trying the whole time I have been with him and he has constantly chosen to not work on things until now. If I have to leave it is too late. When I did finally leave him, everyone was happy. His family had been telling him for a while now that I could easily do better and wold eventually leave. My family was relieved. He was not taking care of us, pretty much neglecting us for his own pursuits and my family or his would have to come to our rescue when things were affecting the kids, such as no electricity in the apartment or my car breaking down because he wouldn't do the maintenance. I have no respect, trust, or confidence in him at all. He is embarrassing and I don't thing he realizes that no body cares about if hes trying now. I told him it would take years to undo the damage he has done. If things did work out, it would be a miracle.

Kernjamie · 04-01-2012, 04:47 PM

I finally had the baby and just got back from the hospital on Thursday morning. Food in the hospital is not abstinent and I also took a break around my due date. So I have been off my no sugar, no flour food plan for about 2 weeks. Back on it today. Things are stressful with the new baby. The kids are excited and jealous at the same time. I get no sleep because I am up all day with the other two, and up all night with the newborn. Today my son found a loose screw that was holding up the side to the air conditioner vent. It is in the corner of the living room right next to the TV. Needless to say, he took the screw and scraped it across my dad's already broken, but still functioning TV. You can't even see the mark unless you are up really close. I made a big deal out of it to scare my son. Other wise, he will continue to do it again. He got a spanking with the belt and also I threw away one of his favorite toys. When I told my dad about it his comment to me was "I'm sorry, but the kid is an idiot". I was totally shocked he would say that to me. And it wasn't said out of anger, he actually meant it. How can someone think that about their own grandchild? I never felt welcome or accepted by my dad my whole life, but I never would of thought in a mil.ion years that he would be unacceptable of his grandchild. I had the newborn in my hands at the time, and I heard the way my dad was slamming things around, so I found it best to go to the room where the older two were taking a nap and wait till he leaves. I am 28 year old hiding in my room, looking out the window to see if my dad's car is gone so it is safe to come out? Something is wrong with this picture. I feel just as trapped as I did with my ex, just a different kind of trapped because the only option to get out of this is to go back with my ex who is supposedly trying harder to act responsible, or to stick it out till I finish school (3 years) and just take the verbal abuse and hope my dad never actually says these things to my children's face or makes them feel unwanted. I feel damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I feel lost, like me and my children don't belong anywhere. I thought about seeking out a women and children shelter, but those are more for physical abuse. I have other family members that could help. My aunt, who has been a tremendous help to me and is pretty much my mom, has an extra room in her house. My grandma has a whole other apartment sitting vacant. She is now selling it, but even when she saw that it wasn't being sold, she was planning on giving it to my cousin, who is still in high school. I kind of resent that they haven't offered, but at the same time I understand. It isn't just me, its me plus three small children that need a lot of attention and care, and are very curious and have to touch everything. Sometimes I wish my dad would just tell me to move out. Then I would have to go back to my ex and fix things between us, which would be better for the kids, and in those three years I am in school nothing is better, I can afford to go my own way. The only thing that I don't like about that plan is more damage I can be doing to my kids if/when it doesn't work out, and also, we will be living in a cramped apartment with 6 people (his daughter would be living with us). I don't know what is right anymore.

Munchy · 04-02-2012, 11:29 AM

Have you contacted social services for immediate housing? In my state there are programs in place and you often move to the top of the list if you find yourself without a home with children. Your situation would probably qualify, because you're in a house that isn't healthy for you or your children and you have no other viable options.

It doesn't hurt to try as many programs as necessary to get you back on your feet.

Natasha22 · 04-03-2012, 10:30 AM

Hi Kernjamie,

From reading your posts all I see is a strong, independent woman, ambitious and in control of her life. We all have bad days, it's natural, and many people tend to overeat when they're feeling stressed. The fact that you acknowledge this problem takes you a step closer to solving it. I think you're a great mom, you want to further your education and live a healthy lifestyle, your kids have an amazing role model in you.

Good luck!