Break the cycle

[Endlessrain]

I've been really struggling with binge eating and compulsive eating the past few years. And now I'm also experiencing the other end of the spectrum. I'm actually afraid to eat. I feel bad whenever I eat. I feel like I'm a failure if I eat anything- even if it's eating a grape. I decided that I needed to get help. I've been eating barely anything for about a month now and I can't stop. I usually don't eat over 500cal on most days... except when I binge. Then it's like 4 times that amount. I tried to reach out to my mom so she could get me a doctor appointment. This is what she said:

"No you don't. You're not even thin. You're fine. If you actually had an ED you'd be thinner."

I tried to tell her that I really haven't been eating much at all. To which she told me:

"Skipping a meal here and there won't kill you. You need to lose a few lbs anyway."

I can see I won't be getting any help from her. And I won't get to see a doctor either. I need to stop. I really want to stop. But I don't know how. I tried asking one of my friends and they just told me to eat more. But it's not that simple. I'm either bingeing and eating a few thousand calories at one sitting or I'm not eating anything at all.

[desertgal]

Can you talk to your school nurse or guidance counselor?

Skipping an occasional meal isn't going to kill you, mom's right about that - but if you're having obsessive thinking concerning food, that's not healthy. Better to work on it now than putting it off to later in your life.

Parents aren't always right. Maybe your mom would change her perspective if another adult talked to her about what you've shared.

[EgyptianFeline]

One of my friends was diagnosed with anorexia but she's not skinny at all, probably about 75lbs overweight. It is ignorant to believe that all anorexics/bulimics/etc are skinny people because they aren't.

Try aiming for a goal everyday. Perhaps 800 calories to start with? And tell yourself that eating meal won't make you fat. It's good to eat healthy, don't get me wrong, but your body needs nourishment and if it doesn't get that, it will shut down. If you feel a binge coming on, grab whatever you want but just eat half of it.

I wish you luck. It must be hard to deal with, especially without family support. As desertgal suggested, try talking to someone like a teacher or guidance counselor.

[Endlessrain]

Thank you both for taking the time to respond. It really means alot to me.

EgyptianFeline- Your first paragraph honestly makes me want to hand you a million dollars. It's nice to know that some people don't think like that! And yah maybe I should build up bit by bit instead of trying to fix everything in a day. I know I need food to eat to stay alive but sometimes it feels like it's the enemy. I can't explain it exactly. Like I halfway want to eat since I don't feel good but I'm so afraid a bite of anything will make me gain 5lbs. I know it's completely irrational. -.- I don't have the support of my family... but I have the support of 3fc! I'd say that's a bit more man power there. I really wish my family could help me through this but I can't make them understand. I can't make them change and even though it hurts- I have to accept it.

I don't know if I can talk to a counselor though- my school's counselor's aren't the best. Well the on last year anyway. Someone very close to me had suicidal thoughts and was close to going through with it and I didn't know if I could stop him- so I told the counselor. They turned him back and said he was fine. Like heck he was fine. He was going to do it that night. I think the shock of just being asked it by an adult startled him. Probably the only thing that stopped him. Anyway point is... I don't think they'll be able to help. They failed to see that he needed help. Major help. I don't think they'd believe me. I mean most people don't even notice. Even when all of heck breaks lose I act all happy and no one notices. I appreciate the thought but... I don't think it's the way to go.