Jeffrey and I could certainly swap some stories! In fact, I keep track of many of my parents' antics on a blog. Haven't shared Mom's recent hystrionics since my dad passed, but I'm on the verge!
By the way,
Saef, thank you for the new vocabulary word! Obdurate...love it!
Maria, I do have my own support system and methods for managing the stress. And I am so grateful for them! I'm a loyal user of
EBT and belong to a group that meets weekly to practice the method. It works! I go to a Pilates class five days a week. It also works! I have my own therapist I visit twice a month. I journal/blog. And I have a few close friends who have very similar experiences with their parents and we dish as often as we can. I also have my sister and my godmother who help some with my mother.
We are seeing a little dementia with Mom. I think part of it was stress from having to care for Dad, which was pretty intense for her for a few years. She wasn't sleeping properly. She was forgetful and not thinking too clearly for a few months. This has improved recently.
I would love to get her to a psychologist. She is terrified of being pronounced crazy. She's seen some in the past, because she has suffered pain that was psychosomatic when nothing was really wrong with her physically. The closest we can do is to keep using who is at our disposal, my godmother. She's a social worker and has worked for county mental health for several years. She keeps an eye on Mom weekly and we discuss how she's doing often. I haven't told her about the bulemia thing yet because I've only recently put that together, but my godmother is well aware of the anorexia and purging of the past. And also being Greek, she had one of these mothers too!
Bargoo, I understand about always wondering if I ever did enough for my parents. But frankly, I don't believe I'll wallow in that regret once Mom is gone. I will never be equipped enough to help my mother with everything, and it took me a long time to accept that. She is not at all neglected. She is well cared for and lives a very comfortable life. The misery she chooses to remain in is her own. She's wired that way. I've discussed this with my godmother and my therapist. What if my mother someday woke up to her behaviors and realized how much joy she missed, how much of a happy life she passed up, and how much misery she visited upon her family and former friends. It would be a huge emotional leap for her to come to that realization, and it would be incredibly painful to face.
I've learned about the concept of melding recently, becoming emotionally enmeshed with others. Caregivers have a tendency to do this. It's not emotionally healthy. It has taken a lot of work on my part to disentangle my own issues from my parents', ex-husband's and friends'. I still have a way to go, but I am starting to feel free and it feels really good! There are expectations that we care for our elderly parents. I cared for my father till he passed and I am caring for my mother now. But I'm not giving up my life her. Which is her expectation, passively unvoiced but I've been aggressively reminded of it. I'm not even sure she's actually bulemic. She tells me she's made herself vomit to feel some relief, but then she scrutinizes my face to see if I believe her or not. She's a compulsive liar when it suits her too.
I am angry about all the time I've spent worrying about my mother. Since I was a little girl and I would pray to God that I could take on all her pain so she wouldn't hurt so much. I could have used all that time and energy living my own life and making it a wonderful experience for me! I am grateful that I am now awakened to all that and have turned my life completely around. My mother resents that. She hates that she no longer has the same control over me.
Well, now my stomach hurts. But I think it's actually hunger. Yep, time for the good part about being Greek...fish and dandelion greens dressed in olive oil and lemon for lunch!
