I would talk to her about it I know she probably gets defensive because it is a sore subject.
Tell her you are not going to control what she eats that she is responsible for those choices and she is the one who has to live with those choices. I think it will be good because it will give her a chance to take control of her weight.
Kids that age don't do what their parents say anyways so that is why she eats bad food even though she knows you dont want her to.
Also I know at that age I had body image issues I tried to watch what I ate but my mom never tried to control what I ate. I think it would have made me hate my body even more if she did.
My mum was just like you & myself like your daughter.
I had no self control & my mum was always dieting. bvisley fat genes in the family & i ALWAYS equated (& still do food;love)
I was fat all through school & then lost STONES with E/D at 17/18.
Its a hard one , because the more emphasis you put on food the worse in could be.
So at her age now , id really be pushing the exercise thing. Cyling, Horse ridig, Dog walking , Tennis. Its a perfect time of year. Enroll her in lots of clubs etc
If you have a dog you can go on big long walks altogether or the cylcing thing!,
It must be so hard to make a child "aware" & educated on fod choices, esp if they may have "fat genes" in the family, without making them screwed up about it.
Thanks so much for the support and suggestions everyone
Our doctor has talked with her more than once about it, because of our issues she gets a checkup twice a year. Her last 2 visits her blood pressure was higher than it should be. It really scares me that she is having these problems so young. I've been overweight off and on for 15 years and have never had high blood pressure.
I do have concerns that she has some kind of hormonal problem, she does have excess hair, etc. I have PCOS and I think she exhibits the same signs but the doc said she's too young, no cycle yet to be causing cysts. It took me years to get my diagnosis so I don't know what to believe there. He also said being overweight can cause hormonal fluctuations, so whether the chicken came first or the egg-the result is the same and so is the treatment-lose the weight and that problem should go away.
When she was 8 years old we had her see a counselor also. I had to make sure there wasn't some stress I wasn't aware of that would have affected her behavior.
According to the professionals she just loves food and has developed bad habits, there is no medical or emotional issue causing her to gain weight.
As soon as she finishes breakfast she wants to know what is for lunch. The minute she comes in from school she asks what is for supper. I think she constantly thinks about food, literally obsessed with it....and I understand because I am the same. Whether she got it genetically or environmentally, I know it stems from my own dysfunctional relationship with food.
I have gotten her to start walking around the block a few times every day with a friend that lives down the road. I never mentioned that it was for weight loss, offered it as a chance to socialize with a friend and she hasn't complained yet. She resents any instruction to exercise, she actually gets angry that the PE teacher at school makes them walk laps-she wanted me to complain to the school or write her an excuse.
Her size doesn't seem to bother her. I think that is a good thing, I'm happy that she doesn't have low self esteem on top of it all. In her mind there is no problem other than the one I am creating by "fussing". BUT if she doesn't recognize that she has a problem (herself, not just because I say so) I don't see how her mentality can truly change. Heck I don't know how to change that and I feel like a phony trying to force it on another person when I can't even manage it myself.
As soon as she finishes breakfast she wants to know what is for lunch. The minute she comes in from school she asks what is for supper. I think she constantly thinks about food, literally obsessed with it....and I understand because I am the same. Whether she got it genetically or environmentally, I know it stems from my own dysfunctional relationship with food.
How about finding healthy ways to channel food obsessions:
-encourage her to learn about ways of eating that help the environment (most of them are healthier as well) and to teach the whole family
-as kaplods suggested, include her in the cooking and food selections, steering toward healthy choices
-shop at a Farmers Market and challenge her to help create a meal completely from those purchases
-grow vegetables or, at least, a few pots of herbs
-learn about cooking as a career, chefs have fascinating lives and write gorgeous full-color books illustrating them (fortunately, libraries collect these)
Your doctor is wrong IMO- no normal girl has excess hair on their body. Well not wrong, but he's missing information, it's possible that she has a hormonal problem that has started already, I mean does she have breasts coming in? Then obviously hormones are doing something right? And if I remember correctly doesn't breasts and hair start to develop before you start menstruating anyways?
I wouldn't be surprised if she starts menstruating soon, I know I started at 11. Unfortunately she is young so I don't think you can start putting her on all those meds (I'm not sure if metformin is safe for children) but it wouldn't hurt to look around and see if you can find an endo who can help (though of course she'd only need metformin if her blood sugars were high).
Also since you have PCOS (and I do too) you know first hand how addicting food is. Her problem is she's addicted that's why she constantly thinks about it. At this point her diet really needs to consist of lean meats, ONLY complex carbs, tons of veggies, and fruits (preferably mostly berries). And again the whole family should just eat this way, not just her
I still think an activity would be great, something she'd LOVE to do that has nothing to do with food, that might help her take her mind off of food. Tell her she's been such a good girl you want her to pick an activity to do, a sport, dance, etc, and then get her motivated to do it. It might cost a bit but IMO it's worth her health If her friends are involved in anything (and make sure food isn't involved also) then maybe ask if she'd like to do that. I mean part of it to me really sounds like she has a lot of free time and I know for me boredom leads to overeating.
I know y'all are right about finding a way to change the focus, I think that is probably the most important thing at this point. If i can stop her from obsessing about food all the time that would be a huge step in the right direction.
I have her blood sugar checked every time we go to the doctor and so far she has never had an abnormal number. She's had the fasting tests twice. Bloodwork all comes back ok. Only her blood pressure has ever been an issue, and they said that if she loses some weight that should fix itself.
She's definitely going through a developmental stage right now. I started early too. The excess hair has been an issue for years though. Unfortunately that is hereditary I think, all the women in my family have that problem. Doc didn't say it was normal, per se, just when I expressed my concerns that she has hormonal issues and he knew I was worried about her having PCOS like me, he said that she's too young to have been developing cysts yet if that were going to be the case. The cysts develop when you ovulate, and until she starts a cycle she can't have been developing cysts long enough for that to be something we need to worry about yet. Cysts are just one symptom of PCOS though, which is why I have been adamant about having her thyroid and blood sugar tested. I am thinking about putting her on a cinnamon supplement. I take it and think it helps with my IR, and it can't hurt.
Aside from that I have no idea where to even go from here medically. Our doctor has been decent about ordering all the tests I've requested but I get the feeling he is just humoring my paranoia. I wonder myself sometimes if I am just looking for an excuse, it would be so much easier if this were something we could just get a medication to fix.
As far as only keeping healthy things in the house, that just isn't going to work. She'll stuff herself with healthy foods until it isn't healthy, and it causes problems in the household. There is no way my husband is going to eat like he's on a diet for any extended length of time and he'll just buy junk himself. Besides, she's got to learn how to resist temptation on her own. If not then all the work we do will be undone whenever she isn't home, i.e. like when she's at grandmas. Heck, even the school sells junk-slices of pizza, candy, smoothies, etc. Controlling everything at home doesn't feel like the total solution just because that's only part of her life. I can MAKE her be "good" here but if she isn't learning anything then she'll just eat badly the second she goes anywhere else.
I haven't used the word addict to describe this, but when I read that it hit me that you're probably right. I'm wondering if there isn't some aspect of something like Overeaters Anonymous that could help her. I'd probably benefit from it myself and it might encourage her if we explored that together?
I wouldn't take her to that honestly unless there is some kind of kids groups only. I think the more you push on to her that she's got a problem the harder it'll be. You are her mom and know best but if I were in your situation I'd just push for more activities at the moment to take her mind off of food, if possible. I'd at least try that approach and if it helps then great, if not, then I'd look into other avenues.
Not everyone with PCOS has cysts though, I don't. I used to, but not anymore. That doesn't mean I don't have PCOS anymore, I still have the excess hair growth and missed periods, etc. I guess there isn't much you can do on that end since her tests are pretty normal.
Your husband can eat that stuff outside the house can't he? Why not just at home follow the diet? South beach diet is an awesome diet that IMO is not depriving at all, your whole family could benefit from it. I wouldn't start with phase 1 but check out phase 2 and change things that way. Small changes help, ie go from regular fries to sweet potato fries, etc. Your daughter needs help, hubby should be on board too IMO.
My gameplan in your shoes would be 1- sign her up for an activity that's somewhat physical. 2- change food at home (and get hubby on board with at least doing it at home and while your daughter is around). 3- give it some time and see if things improve. 4- Take daughter out for more family excursions that are physical. 5- If nothing changes then look into some programs for overweight children, summer is coming up, could you afford to send her to a camp that might help with her eating? Keep in mind that your family has to stick to eating healthier when she gets back so she doesn't ruin her progress.
As far as only keeping healthy things in the house, that just isn't going to work. She'll stuff herself with healthy foods until it isn't healthy, and it causes problems in the household. There is no way my husband is going to eat like he's on a diet for any extended length of time and he'll just buy junk himself. Besides, she's got to learn how to resist temptation on her own. If not then all the work we do will be undone whenever she isn't home, i.e. like when she's at grandmas. Heck, even the school sells junk-slices of pizza, candy, smoothies, etc. Controlling everything at home doesn't feel like the total solution just because that's only part of her life. I can MAKE her be "good" here but if she isn't learning anything then she'll just eat badly the second she goes anywhere else.
I definitely agree with other posters in terms of changing the focus and I really like the idea of portioning out an appropriate portion of meat/grains on plates, and keeping the veggies on the table for "unlimited" amounts.
Do you think that your husband would think of your daughter's health if you really sat him down to talk about your concerns? He can always eat things that he likes that aren't healthy for the family when he's not in the house, but in order to help one child who is in a health crisis, sometimes it needs to be a family affair. If you really look at it, what's more important - her health, or him eating chips at night?
Do you as a family cook pretty balanced and healthy meals? If not, can you start? Small changes like cooking things from scratch cut out substantial sodium, fat, preservatives, etc. and are good for every member of the household. This link www.skinnytaste.com has a lot of easy meals that my whole family likes to eat.
I love the idea of mother/daughter time and exercise. My mom and I would walk around a reservoir when I was a teen and I really enjoyed that time to talk. We zipped around that hilly 3.5 miles in no time flat because we were enjoying each other's company instead of focusing on exercise.
If you keep a plethora of easy healthy snacks available, there isn't too much danger to overdose on cucumber sticks or baby carrots - believe me. As for other healthy snacks, you can portion them out and keep what you feel comfortable accessible to her. You may not be able to control every aspect of her eating and you really don't want to. Just make sure that the meals that she does rely on you for and the food options she has are healthy ones, and she may develop a taste for healthier foods. It just takes time. I suggest she packs lunch instead of buying it, but get her involved. Also, does she know how to read a label? It could help just having her learn the basics.
My daughter is young, but we are healthy eaters. It's important to me that my daughter was raised since birth with whole foods, however, her dad is the opposite and since we're divorced, it's not even worth that battle or micromanaging. I figure if I give her healthy foods 80% of the time, that 20% won't have as much of an impact.
I really sympathize with your daughter. At 11, I was skinny because I was on a swim team but I was obsessed with food. I did develop an eating disorder around that time even though I didn't realize it until I was 18. I suppose I can't offer any advice on behalf of my mom because she's still struggling. But please be there for her any way that she needs. My mom didn't always understand what I needed and shrugged off the warning signs. One thing that I really did when I was 11 was lock my door all the time to eat in my room. I know an 11 year old may (and will, I did) protest but maybe during specific hours of the day keep it open? That's a big thing for bingers. Just a suggestion because that's what I did. But I'm sending you a big hug. I'm worried because eating disorders are genetic in my family and I'm scared to have a daughter struggling with this in the future. My heart goes out to you.
