[hippy27]

I'm only 20 years old, but I've been through a lot.

I'm bi-polar to start, & haven't been on medications in over 2 years (& able to manage that)...but these past few months have been especially hard.

1)The only counselor to ever see me eye-to-eye passed away.

2)My soul mate best friend, my "sister", has cerebral palsy & is in the hospital almost every week now...they think she either has water on the brain, a detached spine or a brain tumor.

3)The man I'm most definitely in love with (who is actually my ex & has been for 10 months now) says he loves me too(which I do know to be true) but is scared to give it another shot because he knows it would be long term. Basically, he knows it would work between us & is scared to be tied down for the rest of his life. (funny how I see it as having someone to always be there to come home to). See, commitment doesn't scare ME. :P Since we broke up we have been aiming for friendship, trying to rebuild that foundation so that when we do get back together there will be more than just a physical bond. Which is where we are now. We can't seem to be "just friends". SIGH.

4)One of my guy-friends of 6 years has recently told me he loves me, & I am afraid to spend time with him because he's a really good shoulder to cry on. You combine that with a vulnerable confused girl, you see where I'm going. More confusion.

5)Yet another guy friend that I've been romantically close with in the past has rejected me. We were getting really close about 6 weeks ago, had a few really nice genuine moments together, & then BAM! I'm deleted off of facebook, he won't return my texts & hasn't spoken to me since.

So here I am. Frustrated that I have nobody to talk to, rejected by people I thought liked me for me, confused by the male gender(so much that it makes me question myself as a woman) & with the only person who "gets" me crawling slowly to her death bed.

For me, this is not a physical struggle. Most of the time I eat really healthy, exercise the right amount(not too little OR too much) & am at a healthy weight. I'm growing out my hair, my acne scars are beginning to heal, & I look good. Deep inside me somewhere, I do know that.

I just want to know why when I'm angry or sad I don't eat, why every time a guy rejects me I feel it's because I'm not pretty enough...or good enough. Why I am tempted to change myself, TO CONFORM EVEN just to get people to like me. I am a good person. I'm pretty. I'm slim. I'm nice & smart & blah blah blah. So why am I also so alone?!

People say that if you're nice, mature, understanding, respectful, (let's add in pretty & slim for the shallow ones) that you will have friends. I guess I'm the exception.

I'm sick of thinking a bagel soaked in margarine will fill this hole inside of me only to get angry, knowing I'll feel "fat" later & throw it away. And then still feel insatiable. WHY DO I HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT ON THE BAGEL?!

[Emme]

It sounds like you have a lot going on from all kinds of angles!! One guy who you truly love but isn't ready to commit, another who is in love with you, but he is your crying shoulder and just a friend, and another guy who just completely cut off all communication altogether. Yep, I'd be hella confused, too. And I'm sorry to hear about your friend who is so sick...that has to be very stressful on you as she is your support system.

You mentioned having a counselor who passed away and this person saw eye-to-eye with you. How long ago did this happen? Have you been able to "test" out other counselors yet so you can at least get a chance to talk to someone?

[racrane]

You have tons of things going on! I'd be stressed too. Do you journal? It really helps me. Also, this might sound weird, but I bought boxing gloves (cheap ones) at Walmart and will punch my pillow or wall. It helps when I'm really angry at someone or am trying to stop a binge. Just some ideas. Also, maybe giving another counselor a shot would help, too, so you could talk with someone about everything going on.

[Sarahlynn]

Wow you really are going through a lot in what is supposed to be the more carefree time in your life. Have you considered cutting off contact with mr I love you but don't want to commit? Maybe if he can't have the milk for free he will be more interested in buying the goat (didn't want to say cow considering this is a forum for binge eaters) OR you might even find that as much as you care for him maybe he isnt good enough for you I mean he is obviously not at the same maturity level if he fully admits he loves you but is not ready to settle down just yet.

[MiZTaCCen]

Sometimes when you love someone you need to let them go (for your own sanity) Mr. I don’t want to commit needs to realize you aren’t going to be at his beck and call every time he needs you. I’d say cut him out and he’ll realize one of two things. That he loves you and is now ready to be with you because you allowed that separation trial between the two of you to figure your sh!t out. Or the second thing you both might realize you’ve been wasting your time. The truth is if a man love you he will want to be with you commitment issues or not sounds like he’s just getting his cake and eating it too because you keep feeding it to him. Let it go and move on, because the only thing that can come of this is more pain than it’s worth. Hanging on to someone who is continuing to pull you’re strings is stupid. There’s so many other guys out there and one day you might find someone who will find you worth it and want to be with you JUST as much as you want to be with them.

Maybe the romantically guy friend you were close with rejected you because you are STILL hung up on mr. I don’t want to commit. No one wants to deal with someone else’s baggage just because they don’t want to let someone go. IMO. So again, rejection might come often if you don’t let go of….do I really need to say his name? Becoming second place in any relationship to another man…is bogus.

Mr. Guy friend seems to take fancy to you, but you don’t see him as anything else maybe you need to sit down and talk to him, letting him know where he stand with you.

So if you want to stop being rejected you need to learn to let go, get rid of the ex boyfriend baggage and allow yourself to heal and move on and stop fearing everything around you. Trust me you fear letting go on Mr. I don’t want to commit for several reason but in the end you’re the only one who’s going to hurt especially when he finds someone else to move on with and commit to. (it does happen because in the end someone else will be the exception. Trust me on that and that’s going to hurt a lot worst later on if you can’t let go now.)

As for your counselor and sister I’m very sorry you are going through that. That’s tough and enough to deal with, without all the boy drama.

Get rid of all the unnecessary guys and move on from it so you can finally start living for you.