Do I have to gain the weight back to squelch the voices?
I've been dealing with my ED for about 16 yrs now. I started out with anorexia and eventually became bulimic. It has done it's damage and I've gained and lost weight so many times I can't count. I'm 5'8" and I got to a size 18. After awhile, even though I wasn't thrilled to be overweight, I got more comfortable being "fat". I figured it was just a word. I was pretty content and had a healthy self esteem, so when my sister said she was going on WW's I thought it was the perfect time for me to get healthier. I lost the weight and as usual got so addicted to shrinking that I got too thin again. That didn't last long though. I was at 133 and now b/c of bingeing over the last 8 months I've put on about 15 lbs. When I was heavier, sure I ate more than I should, but I wasn't bingeing and obsessing about food either. I'm just about ready to give up completely on WW's or any other weight maintainance program simply b/c it seems to feed my obsession. Do I really have to be overweight again though to stop the damn voices in my head? What makes it worse is that ppl are constantly telling me how beautiful I am. How I look like a model. I'm thinking....I'm a complete fraud! I don't want to give up and gain all that weight back, but what else to do? Is there any hope? I've done the therapist thing, the antidepressant thing, and pretty much done it all. I'm just so damn tired! Tired of purging with exercise, tired of dreaming about food, tired of beating myself up, and tired of failing. I am so afraid to gain the weight back, but I'm more scared of what will happen if I keep going on this way. This post comes after 2 days of bingeing and no exercise. I give up!!
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