Going to have to make a request of hubby... - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

LovebirdsFlying · 02-19-2010, 10:52 PM

....to stop bringing home ice cream.

We don't keep alcohol in the house, because I have a problem with that substance. He wouldn't think of offering me a drink. Obviously it's going to be the same way with ice cream. He surprises me with it as a treat, and has the best of intentions because it's always either no-added-sugar, low-carb, or low-fat. But my addiction kicks in and I'll head straight to the ice cream before I'll eat anything else! I could make a meal of ice cream, all three meals a day, and eat even more of it at a time in the process, because I'm telling myself it's diet-friendly ice cream.

I am powerless to stop myself from eating it, so I'll have to ask hubby not to bring it home, just as he wouldn't bring home booze.

innae · 02-19-2010, 11:30 PM

-- I too LOVE ice cream. all three meals? and snacks..yes please. I have been trying to avoid it, sometimes I am not successful.

LovebirdsFlying · 02-20-2010, 07:39 AM

Well, we've hit a snag.

He doesn't have a problem not keeping alcohol in the house. He can take it or leave it. But when it comes to junk food, it appears he's an addict too (maybe; he does admit to being addicted to caffeine), and he wants to keep it on hand. "I want it to be available when I want it," he says.

Then he wonders why I don't "just abstain." We had a brief talk about addiction, during which he (doesn't know it yet, but he) upset me with the question, "So, when I'm away at work all day, do you sit at home and think about these things?" Sounded to me as if he thinks this is just my latest harebrained housewife idea, because I have nothing better to do with my time than worry about petty things that don't matter (to him). By the way, I do go to the clubhouse I've mentioned in other posts, but this past week I've been out with the flu and its aftermath, and have reverted to housewifery. I think he believes it's because I have nothing to do that all this talk of food addiction is coming up. Presumably, if I had a job or at least less time on my hands, I wouldn't have time to think about food, or addiction, or recovery, and all would be well.

We've reached the solution of his only buying ice cream when he wants it, instead of always having it in the house. He readily acknowledges that it "disappears" too fast.

He'll support me in dieting, and he'll support me in staying away from alcohol. He'd even drive me to AA or OA meetings if I'd ask him to (I don't drive) but he will not learn the program or help me work it, nor would he be willing to go to any Al-Anon or OA-anon groups of any kind. As long as it's "my" issue that I'm working on, he's OK with it, but when it comes to doing any work himself, or even hearing me talk about recovery, nosirreebob.

I'm finding this pretty disturbing. Should I?

steph84106 · 02-20-2010, 12:59 PM

AMEN! I have a substance abuse problem (sober for a year and half) and never would he think of enabling my former addiction in any way. I feel terrible that I may have to ask him to change his life in yet another way for me. I need to have a talk with him about how he eats (he is an insane overeater!) so that we may both be healthy and feel our age.

It's an inevitable conversation that I'm not looking forward to but it has to happen. My father already called me and offered to order chinese for us while we all watch a movie together. I hate having to tell him that the movie will have to wait until he's done eating.. I don't want to smell it or see it! I'm too vulnerable right now you know?

And Mrs. Brady, if the husband is not actively participating in your recovery (whether it be alcohol or food) then you absolutely have a right to request that he become active with you. If it doesn't bother that he continue doig his thing while you do yours, then prosper with your recovery! But if it does bother you, if you wish he would take the time to learn and understand completely what you are struggling with, then have a talk with him until he listens and gives in, you know? Being a recovering addict, I dragged my husband to NA meetings for the first few months. It was what I wanted. We need to be understood and greatly supported. You are right to find it disturbing. This is serious stuff and just because ice cream is not in a wine bottle or, in my case, pill bottle... it doesn't mean it shouldn't be taken as such...

Good luck Mrs. Brady & it's helping me a lot to see that there are some ladies in here that not only struggle with food addiction, but have struggled with other kinds of addiction. I feel understood already

LovebirdsFlying · 02-20-2010, 07:06 PM

Welcome, Steph.

This is a very supportive place.

Hubby says the difference between food addiction and alcoholism is that food won't make me intoxicated. Last time I was coming off alcohol, he was with me in the ER while I was seeing non-existent insects.

But I pointed out to him that I am severely diabetic and yet still cannot restrain myself, and that it's going to kill me if I don't get it under control. Addiction makes us do things that are going to kill us. Furthermore, an episode of extreme hyperglycemia *can* mimic intoxication and psychosis, so it's not true that food won't intoxicate me.

Hubby's problem with going to AA or Al-Anon meetings is this: He is a bus driver for our local transit system. If he is seen coming out of one of those meetings, he is afraid some passenger who has a problem with him will call in and tell his bosses he has a drinking problem. He doesn't, of course, and I told him it's anonymous, but he's pretty paranoid about things like that. It doesn't help that some of his trusted co-workers have told him yes, those things happen, and he should be careful about where he's seen. You would think that supporting me in OA would be different, since as hubby says himself, they don't arrest you for being fat, but he probably isn't going to get into it. When it's all said and done, at the core of it he just plain has social phobia and doesn't like to be out around people. Driving a bus is all the interaction he can stand.

So I'll just have to do it myself.

By the way, hubby is also obese and diabetic, and as I say, I would guess he's probably a food addict. He's not as severely diabetic as I am though. All he needs to do is take oral meds twice a day and monintor his A1C every three months. I'm the one who needs daily checks, and insulin shots.

Yet I'll still head right for the sugar before anything else. I need help if I'm going to live long enough to see my grandson grow up.

Lizzie2010 · 02-20-2010, 10:00 PM

I'll be completely honest with you - I'm not sold on all of these "addiction" things. I've read plenty of posts, heard stories, etc. but I'm just not sure what I think about food, sex, etc. addiction. I definitely believe there's alcoholism, and I do commend you and your husband for keeping alcohol out of the house.

The problem here is that you two are married, you are to live as one, and you have to compromise on a lot of things. If he buys the ice cream and he likes to eat it, then honestly, you're going to have to learn how to cope with that. I live in a house where people bring in food that are so utterly tempting and I work in a bakery, but I've had to develop skills to get over the insane urges to binge. Saying you can't control it is admitting defeat - yes, if you sit there and say, "I can't help it, I have to eat ice cream," is saying, "Hey ice cream, you win! Hey obesity, you win!" Maybe you can bargain with your husband on the flavor - is there a flavor that he could eat that you don't like? The hard, cold (no pun intended) truth is that you really can restrain yourself. It's not easy, it's not fun, you might cry and scream and feel so helpless but you're NOT helpless. You are in control of everything that goes in your mouth, and you are lying to yourself if you believe otherwise. You will always be surrounded by temptation, and you have to develop the skills to avoid it.

LovebirdsFlying · 02-21-2010, 02:08 AM

People can be addicted to anything, Lizzie. It doesn't matter the substance, it's all the same disease.

I didn't find your post very helpful. Basically you're saying, "Oh, bulldogs, you're not addicted to food, you just don't have the self-discipline to restrain yourself." If this isn't what you meant I apologize, but I am a food addict, and if you don't believe there is any such thing, I'd rather hear from other addicts please.

Since I started another thead in which food addiction is being discussed, I'd be OK with mods closing this one if they want to. I was thinking about that anyway, so it's not got anything to do with the above.

Stella · 02-21-2010, 04:42 AM

I made that same request from mine! I just cannot let it be. One day last week, I found a fresh tub in the freezer and finished it. Turned out that it was a Velentine`s surprise and he was not chuffed when it had vanished... :-( I said to him, just don`t buy it so far in advance, you know what`ll happen...

LovebirdsFlying · 02-21-2010, 09:20 AM

Hubby says he'll buy it the day he wants it, or the day before, but not so far in advance. He'd end up not getting any, anyway.

Lizzie2010 · 02-21-2010, 10:46 PM

Lovebirds, I'm not saying food addiction doesn't exist... I'm saying I personally don't know. I'm entitled to that, just like you are. And I think you missed the point of my post, and I wish you'd take a step back and really think about what I'm saying. Why do you keep saying you have no control? Anyone who has ever conquered any type of addiction has had to take that step and say, "No, not anymore. I'm in control." From this post, and other things you've posted, it seems like you don't realize that... Which is surprising, because you said you're a recovering alcoholic. Well, if food addiction is just like any other addiction, you've got to stop feeling so helpless. Maybe you'll still feel helpless, but at least take a stand and start to empower yourself. Don't think for a second I haven't struggled like you have. We all have struggled. But it seems like the people who stop acting victim to their eating disorder and who grab the problem by the horns and start fighting back, are the ones who are successful.

Furthermore, you are saying that your husband is overweight, diabetic, but still brings this ice cream home... And you are upset that he won't fight back, like you want yourself to (which is understandable) sounds like you're passing the buck off to him. The whole point of my post is that you can't just keep forbidding different types of food into your house and, well, your life. At some point, either at work or wherever, you're not going to be able to say, "Get that out of here!" because you won't have that control. THAT is why it's good to compromise on some foods - it gives you a chance to start pushing yourself to say no and to resist.

I'm not knocking your feelings, because I know they're real. Maybe you don't think my post is helpful, but I mean it with the best of intentions. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have posted. Sometimes we've all got to hear what we don't want to, myself included. And after all, it's a free forum... This is my freely offered advice. You don't have to take it.

eratosthanes · 02-22-2010, 01:42 AM

Food addiction most assuredly exists, and as other addictions, the only way to beat it is one day at a time. If you don't believe me, then why are there so many women in the Chicks in Control forum? Are they all just suffering from a lack of self-control, or is there something more at work here?

I have a food addiction. I struggle with it daily. It does NOT help to have a loved one in the same household who does not recognize it for what it is. Unlike other addictions, you cannot go without food, so the best thing to do to deal with it is to keep trigger foods out of the household. Even if you do not have a problem with food addiction, you need to be more sensitive to those that do.

VeeDeValentine · 02-22-2010, 02:40 AM

I feel for you

I used to be able to eat two tubs of icecream in a week, and to me it wasnt enough and it was perfectly acceptable~
Now I haven't had it in...2 and a bit months?
I think that, if you know (like me) that just a "little bit" will lead to alot more, the best thing is to not go near it altogether until your cravings die down a little:/ Just be honest with your husband and maybe say that although you know he buys you those treats out of affection, and you love that...it would be better if he bought something non-edible instead

*cough* jewellry *cough*

LovebirdsFlying · 02-22-2010, 06:09 AM

Jewelry *would* be nice.

As I say, admission of powerlessness over the substance is the first step to recovery. The first *three* steps can be summed up in this little bit:

1. I can't.
2. God can.
3. I'll let Him.

An addict in denial says, "I can stop any time I want to." An addict in recovery says, "I can't stop. The substance has me beat."

Yes, that's the same as saying, "Food, you win." But it's NOT the same as saying, "I'll never recover." This is where addicts in recovery draw on a Higher Power. We must, as we have no power of our own to overcome the substance. As stated in the Promises used in 12-step recovery programs, "God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."

I am powerless over food addiction, just like I am powerless over alcohol addiction. It's *because* I am a recovering alcoholic that I can see this. If me being powerless bothers anybody, sorry, that's the way it is. Well, no I'm not sorry.

Trudiha · 02-22-2010, 10:42 AM

That's a really beautiful explaination, Mrs Brady, thank you.

Lori Bell · 02-22-2010, 12:52 PM

As a recovering alcoholic, ex smoker and food junkie myself, I have faced many an addiction drama. lol

My husband isn't an alcoholic, though he does drink probably daily. Difference between him and I is he stops at 3 beers a day and I didn't stop until I was intoxicated and then stuffed my face with so much food that I could not drink another drop if I tried. I gave up all my addictions at once. I asked for Gods help, and by his grace I received it. It's funny, we have a fully stocked bar in our house, and I don't have any desire to drink any of it, I actually play bartender when we have guests. If someone would leave a pack of cigarettes here, I would not be tempted to smoke them at all....BUT if there was a gallon of ice cream in the freezer, I would be very tempted to eat it, so, there are a few foods that are off limits in the house unless they purchased and consumed that day...by the other family members. If my hubby would bring home ice cream to graze on for the week I would throw it out as soon as he left for work the next day and tell him I ate it. I would do that every time he brought it home. Eventually he would quit bringing it home or only bring a small carton to eat for dessert that night....That's how the chips quit coming home. :grin: