[ShihtzuX2]

As I said in another thread, I've been reading Geneen Roth's books and a couple of others with similar philosophies about the roots of eating disorders. This past weekend has really been an emotional catharsis. If you haven't read these books, I highly recommend them. There was so much in these books about the emotional causes of eating disorders that really struck a chord with me. I've read; I've journaled and cried and cried. And I am beginning to feel emotionally lighter, like healing and life w/o an ED may be possible.

Geneen Roth esp. said that the eating disorder is a metaphor for how we live our lives and interact with other people. When I am in a feeding frenzy, it's all about **me** -- about giving to myself everything I have denied myself in the rest of my life. During a binge is about the only time I put my wants, my opinions, my needs first. The rest of the time I am huddling inside my shame, putting myself last because I "know" deep down that I am completely unworthy. I put on a false self. I try to avoid letting people see the "real" me by being a people pleaser, avoiding rocking the boat or telling the truth or asserting what I think, want or need. I hide in plain sight - inside my fat.

I live with a deep shame that there's a gaping hole inside me that can't be filled, and that I am just "one false move" (Roth's term) away from exposing my horrible "real self" and my insatiable needs for affection, attention and approval. The shaming voice inside said I must hide my real self at all costs; if friends and family ever saw the real me they'd run away in disgust and horror.

In therapy, I never could figure out why I began getting depressed and binge eating at the age of 8. The shrinks were puzzled, too, because I wasn't sexually or physically abused or proffered any memories of other types of trauma that might have caused my lifelong problems with deep depression, anxiety and an eating disorder.

When I began pondering my relationship with my mother it hit me: I was about 8 years old when she began using me as her confidant and talking on and on to me about her unhappiness and her resentments toward my dad, his family, her own parents, the whole world really. And she'd often bitterly say during these tirades, Don't have kids, You're crazy if you ever have kids -- as if my brother and I were responsible for ruining her life.

And I began feeling responsible for her--like it was my obligation to make up for all the deficits in her life. I'll fix it mommy; just please love me.

I felt that the only way I could get her to pay attention to me was by serving as her marriage counselor and shrink. The rest of the time I felt invisible.

Being her mom's shrink and marriage counselor was not a responsibility a shy, uncertain 8-year-old girl should have been made to take on. I felt responsible for her unhappiness and felt like I was supposed to fix it somehow but I was very afraid I was not up to that monumental task. I wanted and needed a kind, caring mother to pay attention to me and she was so engulfed in her own self-pity that she didn't see it. And I felt ashamed for having needs. I felt ashamed for desperately wanting to matter to someone. I didn't deserve to have needs for attention, affection, esteem, respect.

So I began to eat. And eat. And eat. And in my teens to purge several times a day. When I was (am) lost in an eating binge, my mind was (is) numb and the fear faded (s) away. Until I eventually force myself to quit, then the self loathing and shame overwhelm me. And the shaming voice inside castigates me for being so selfish, so greedy, so needy.

Food has been my loving, nurturing mother. My binges allow me to do all the things I don't do in the rest of my life. When I'm in a binge, I don't consider other people's needs. I put myself first. I take the biggest, the best, ****, I take it all if I can. Unlike the rest of my life where I'm always acquiescing to everyone else, putting myself last, saying I don't care -- whatever the other person wants.

The ache inside for intimacy, for tenderness and caring is such a bottomless chasm that I can never eat enough to fill it. I realize now that my two selves (the false, public self and the secret, real self) have to meld together to create a whole.

The last couple of days, with shedding all these tears, I have been able to stop eating when I've gotten full. Oh, I still eat more than I need to, but I stop much, much sooner. I don't have to cram it all in my mouth right now. It will be there for me later. And if it's not, I can always buy or make more for myself. I am here to take care of me.

My dad was emotionally closed off during my childhood. From him I learned about denial, to pretend I didn't have feelings at all. I'm a big gray monolith who feels nothing; no one can touch me. He made me feel I wasn't entitled to get angry, to express sadness, to jump for joy. I learned to quit feeling anything: joy, pride, tenderness, anger. And I sank into a lifelong battle with depression and despair.

I did the guided visualization in one of Roth's books about walking into a hallway with three doors, and behind the last door she says you will find your heart's desire, whatever you believe that to be. When I opened that door in my mind, I didn't see a thin body, designer clothes, a flashy new car, a legion of adoring fans, a power job -- things I yearn for, daydream about. I "saw" just a sunny, warm meadow and felt myself shot through with luminous joy.

[sonny]

Shari, my first thoughts are WOW! You seem like you are on the way to resolution. To be able to realize all those things is wonderful. To be able to know why you do this and why it started really gives you someplace to work from. I send you a BIG HUG for what you have gone through to get to this point. I am sure it was not easy. Many things you said were true to myself also, though the roots are not. The feelings are the same though, you took words right out of my mouth.

I am always doing for others, sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. It is so hard for me to make a simple decision myself sometimes because I am so used to saying "whatever you want". Deep down, I think I know who I am, but that person never seems to come out. It is so hard.

I am very happy for you. You are on your way to self discovery. You sound confident and I am sure Geneen Roth's books will help you. I love to read her stuff. There used to be someone here who used to post one of her exercises every week. Then we would do them on-line. It is hard to be honest with yourself sometimes, but I enjoyed doing that.

I am sure you will be opening that last door to the sunny meadow before you know it. It will take some work, but you will do it. Take Care.

[crustygirl]

You are a deadset legend.

Thankyou for opening a window into my soul.

I will be buying a book tomorrow and starting on my own journey.

Thankyou for being so brave, and sharing so much.


Please tell me just one thing, what was behind the other two doors?

Good luck on your journey

Belle

[karefree2]

Congratulations. I am reading one of her books now. I hope I get as much from it as you have. Bless your heart.