Aw, honey. I can't fully understand what you're going through, but I do understand the desperation, because I had one true genuine binge back in December, and it's actually what caused me to turn my life around. I remember the feeling of hopelessness, not being able to stop eating even if you want to, even though you know what it's doing to your body. You feel like you don't have control. and it's tough. But it's just a trick. You do have control. The only way you won't have control is if you think about how you didn't have control before. Forget everything that just happened and just live in the moment. Think only about how you are now going to eat an apple, and not how you just ate all that crap. You can do that. You can have control over that apple. Then maybe you can have a salad later. You can have control over that salad. Enough of these small baby steps and you WILL gain control again.
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Ugh, I just feel like I have too much to do--like there's so much (TOO much) keeping me from reclaiming a healthy lifestyle, and like I'll never be able to get back on track, let alone get back to my all-time low, etc. I wasn't even 100% happy with my body when I had actually reached me all-time low, and now I'm like 10 lbs over that (even MORE, after tonight's binge!), and I bet everyone can tell, and I'm so embarrassed... Pretty soon my pants will probably stop fitting, too! And how the **** am I supposed to lose all that weight and THEN keep going again? I feel like I just don't have enough time! It's too much! Grrrrrrr.
Okay. So don't think of going anywhere. Just think of one pound at a time. Just think of it as one bite at a time. Just think of it as ONE DAY at a time. I don't know what is causing your binges, but have you considered perhaps that maybe subconsciously your mind hasn't caught up with the idea of being thin? Before, it was just a fantasy, and you could work towards it, and be excited, and have motivation. But now you REALLY ARE THIN. Perhaps part of you doesn't feel secure this way, and your subconscious is going "HOLY CRAP I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS" and is trying to get you back into its "comfort zone" of fat, because it's what you have known for so long and felt most comfortable in. Now you have to deal with the realities of not losing weight, but living as A THIN PERSON. It's a whole different mindset, and maybe even lifestyle. Maybe your mind isn't ready for it yet, and your body got there faster than your mind could. So MAYBE... maybe the absolute best possible thing you could try to do is try to stop losing for a while. Try to get back to 150 at the lowest, and then TRULY get yourself in that mindset of, "I am maintaining. I am thin. I need to learn how to live this way. But it is worth it."
You want to know how to stop it? Think about how you felt. Think about how you REALLY felt when you weighed 263 pounds. Don't think about how you just binged, or all the mistakes you have made these past few weeks. Get that all out of your head, RIGHT NOW. It's all behind you. It doesn't exist. Pretend it never even happened. Because that will only hold you back and overwhelm you. Someone who is in debt is going to have so much more trouble earning up money because they constantly have their debt looming over their head. If they could just make it disappear and get a fresh start, free of regrets, they would be able to succeed. You CAN'T let your failures weigh you down, Meredith. Everything you have done so far is a success. Even gaining this 10 pounds is a little bit of a success. You know why? Because you realized you have a problem. You realized you can't be cured. And so now you know that you have to TRY, and not just a little, but hard, and for the rest of your life.
But I think this is worth it to you. Alcoholics have to work genuinely hard at remaining sober their whole lives. But ask a recovered alcoholic if it is worth it, and I'm sure almost all would say yes. To be able to truly experience life, to be able to truly love their children, their families (which they couldn't do when they were constantly in a (abusive) drunken stupor). Isn't that worth the sacrifice of having to have the utmost dilligence around alcohol for their entire lives? And your weight loss, too, Meredith, is WORTH IT. Now you can finally be at a place you are comfortable at. This desire to binge will never leave you, most likely. Instead of searching for a way to cure it, just pour all your energy into doing the best you can. Even if you stumble once in a while, you just have to keep getting up, again and again. It's the only way. If you expect yourself to be perfect, you will never meet your own expectations. If you expect yourself to try your hardest but still realize you will mess up a little along the way, then you WILL succeed. No one likes to constantly fail, right?
Now, you said you're not comfortable with your body. But you might get down to 120 and not be satisfied with your body. Sometimes we magnify all of our imperfections, until that is all we can see. I have seen your pictures, and you look 100% normal, and FABULOUS, at 150. No joke. Not trying to make you feel better here. If I had just seen you, having no idea that you had once been morbidly obese, I would have though the exact same thing. And I understand, because I have a similar problem, with the color of my skin. I'd like to say it's not true, but it is. I have an extremely strong urge to be pale. Not just light, but pale. For the past 4 months I have done everything in my power to acheive this. I started using a sun umbrella whenever outside, put on sunscreen EVERY day and reapplied it every few hours, avoiding being outside as much as possible, put lemon juice all over my skin, used papaya soap, all just so I could lighten my skin. And it's worked... to an extent. While I was getting lighter I felt so happy, like one day I could have the skin of my dreams. But then it just stopped. I have some extremely pale friends, but my skin is naturally a little darker than theirs. No matter what I do, I cannot get as pale as them. But I can't accept this. I feel... inferior to them. I feel inferior to anyone who is pale than me. Everytime I see someone else, I find myself inconspicously comparing their skin color to my own. If I'm lighter, I'm happy. If they are paler, I feel like crap. I feel like they are better than me, because their skin is lighter. I can't stop. I can't get it out of my head. My friends tell me I'm not tan, but I look in the mirror and all I see is this tanned FREAK. One time I was in the shower and started scrubbing my skin until it was red, feeling like I was scrubbing my tan away. All it left me with was sore skin, and a few unsightly white marks. I see myself as tan in the mirror, and so I see myself as ugly. I can't see myself for who I really am, and I feel like such a freak, like no one could ever think I'm pretty. And you know what, it's a problem. I probably AM pretty. Being paler won't make me prettier. I can say this, of course, but deep down my desire to lighten my skin won't go away. Likewise, you probably realize that losing more weight might not make you feel better about yourself, but the urge to do so remains regardless. I understand.
Now Meredith, you're not stupid for thinking you could "fix" it. Who wouldn't want to think that? I hate to bring up alcoholics again, but how many do you think have not wistfully thought that perhaps they could fix their problem and truly be normal? But it doesn't change the situation. They need to come to terms with the fact that they have to be sober for life, just like you need to come to terms with the fact that you have to work harder than most "normal people" to manage your weight. But this makes it all the more worth it. The things we work hardest for are the ones that matter most. Even now, if you could just stop where you are and maintain 10 lbs over your low weight, think of all that you have ACCOMPLISHED, Meredith. You've lost over 100 pounds. That's amazing, girl! No one can take that away from you. Gaining 10 pounds doesn't subtract from the 100 or more that you have still kept off. That doesn't mean it's okay to keep gaining, but that it's okay to fail once in a while. No one's perfect, and if you expect yourself to be, you're just going to crack under the pressure.
You have to try to let go of your failures. It's the only way. Even if you don't realize it, they ARE weighing you down. Focus on all that you have accomplished, and use that as fuel to get to where you want to be. No one ever climbed a mountain by thinking about all the time they wasted slipping back down. They climbed it by thinking about how far they had gone. And you have climbed a moutain and back, my dear. You're truly an inspiration, even more so now. You don't have to be perfect for all of us to be in awe of you. You just have to be willing to change. You are dedicated. Being willing to get back up after you have fallen shows far more dedication than being able to continue when you have never even stumbled. And I respect you for that all the more. So it's time, dear, it's time! Time to get back up!!!!!!!!!! You stumbled a bit, but you're not hiding from that. Embrace it. Look forward! Fight! And try to enjoy your life to the fullest. I have faith in you! Carpe Diem! Seize the day! =D
(Oh gosh sorry this got so long. I really got into it. I'm actually tearing up right now. Everything you said just struck a chord with me. And everything I typed just kind of overwhelmed me and now I'm getting really emotional....
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