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F my life... Someone please help me. :(

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Old 07-12-2009, 12:10 AM   #1
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Default F my life... Someone please help me. :(

I just binged. Like, one of my worst ones yet. And that's really saying something, considering the fact that I've basically been binging NON-STOP for the past couple weeks or so, so I've had time to rack up some pretty d*mn impressive ones.

I must have consumed at least 7000 calories or something this time! Maybe more! Why do I keep doing this?! Seriously, what the **** is WRONG with me? I feel so freaking helpless right now. I just don't know what to do. I really thought I had gotten better and was more or less finished with binging! God, now I just feel so STUPID for thinking that I could ever "fix" this. I'm starting to feel like I'll just never be 100% healthy... Over Spring, I had reached such a good, healthy place in my attitudes about food and my weight and everything, and was even starting to have a healthier body image, and then *BOOM* I come home for the Summer, and it's like NONE of that ever even happened! I feel like I'm right back where I started, at square one--like I haven't learned one g*dd*mn single thing in the year since I started doing this!! So now I'm like, okay, great, what NOW?--I'm just going to gain back the weight and that'll be it?! Everyone who has watched my progress, and complimented me, and been SO proud of me - all the people who think that I am this great inspiration and think that I must have this amazing willpower and dedication to my health, yadda yadda - they'll all find out that they were WRONG, that *I* was totally wrong to think that I could ever actual be this healthy person who I've been masquerading as for the past year. I'm not a healthy person; deep down inside I really am just a fata** who sits and eats thousands of calories of CRAP for no reason whatsoever, and who apparently doesn't give a d*mn if she completely screws up everything. Who have I been kidding, thinking that I could actually change who I am? And everyone will get to watch as I balloon up to even bigger than I was before, and then I'll have to see the disappointment in their eyes every single time they look at me... I'll be "the girl who lost a ton of weight and gained it all back," and people will look back at pictures of me from this past year and just be embarrassed for me.

Ugh, I just feel like I have too much to do--like there's so much (TOO much) keeping me from reclaiming a healthy lifestyle, and like I'll never be able to get back on track, let alone get back to my all-time low, etc. I wasn't even 100% happy with my body when I had actually reached me all-time low, and now I'm like 10 lbs over that (even MORE, after tonight's binge!), and I bet everyone can tell, and I'm so embarrassed... Pretty soon my pants will probably stop fitting, too! And how the **** am I supposed to lose all that weight and THEN keep going again? I feel like I just don't have enough time! It's too much! Grrrrrrr.

I am so freaking miserable right now... I've just totally hit rock bottom, you know? I almost never make threads like this, but I just had to let it out somehow. Ugh, I'm probably not even making ANY sense, since I'm typing this so rapid-fire with tears falling all over the place. Forgive me for wasting everyone's time, but I need to be completely and totally selfish for a moment and say that I need encouraging words right now, ladies--SO BADLY. Please, someone tell me that I'm not a failure and a disaster, because I definitely am not believing that right now. In fact, I kind of hate myself. A lot.
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Old 07-12-2009, 12:26 AM   #2
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Meredith
First of all, you are not a failure.Many of us struggle with binge eating.I wish I could tell you how to cure this disorder.I dont know if there even is one.Psychiatrists with tell you that binge eating disorder is very difficult to treat.
Have you ever seen a therapist?I have not personally but have heard many people that have had much success with therapy.I understand how you are feeling right now.It is soooooooo frustrating.It is very consuming to think about your weight and food every minute of the day.I can offer you support.We have watched you succeed.You will do so again.Be kind to yourself.
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Old 07-12-2009, 12:35 AM   #3
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Everything you are saying makes perfect sense. This stuff happens.

You have lost over 100lbs. You can lost 10lbs again.

You might never become a different person, but you can manage this. Don't let this set back send you spiraling out of control. You can still take charge of this situation.

You should be very proud of yourself for getting where you are. Think about what triggered your binge and try to work on that. Therapy can only help, it can't hurt you.
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Old 07-12-2009, 01:02 AM   #4
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Meredith, stop and BREATHE. Just BREATHE for a minute. You are not a bad person or a failure or a fraud; you are a human being. Being successful with your weight loss does NOT mean being perfect and it does NOT mean that you will never, ever step off the path momentarily. You are a successful, healthy person who is momentarily in freak-out mode, but it's not permanent.

****ALL IS NOT LOST******. Please believe that! All is not lost. The fact that you are here and posting and reaching out is proof of that! Please believe me when I tell you that. Don't allow yourself to submit to the self-loathing and the name-calling; that isn't helpful to you and it isn't true. You wouldn't call me a fatass if I gained back 10 pounds, so please don't do it to yourself. It's not true and it is contributing to you spiraling into a negative pattern.

You are a great writer and communicator. Have you thought about just writing--maybe just for yourself, or maybe just to us-- and exploring why this is happening? Is it something about the environment at home, or some food that you're being exposed to that you don't normally get at school that is triggering the binge? Is it emotional stuff from being at home around the family again? Are you bored or scared?

Stay here with us and let us help you. Don't worry about whether or not your post is negative (it's not) or it makes sense (it does). You have been so immensly helpful and supportive of us all; now it's our turn to be here for you. And don't be afraid to consider what Harrismm suggests and talk to a therapist or counselor. You can do this; you HAVE done this. This is not failure or weakness; this is a blip in the path and you will get through it. Don't be afraid; ALL IS NOT LOST.
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Old 07-12-2009, 01:05 AM   #5
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Instead of bashing yourself about it think about how you can set yourself up for sucess... You said you're back home right now. Does that mean the food in your house isn't of your choosing? Can you talk to your family about cleaning out the kitchen while your home and maybe shopping for foods you don't have an tendency to over do?

While it's important to address the how/why/control of binging you might as well make it easy as possible to prevent it from happening and taking temptation out of your face in the meantime.

You CAN stop this now while the gain is so small. You have the tools you have the knowledge.... you've done this before. Just don't look back and dwell on it. Focus on the now.

Vent all you like. LOTS of us have been there. We know your pain.
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Old 07-12-2009, 01:15 AM   #6
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MEREDITH, MEREDITH, MEREDITH ~ take a breathe -- you can start again tomorrow, NO, start over right this minute! You have accomplished a great deal, and in such a short time, and you are not a fraud ... everyone has setbacks in life. Maybe becuz you are young, you don't know this yet; but this is a normal part of change, and life. Think of it like this ...


There is a mountain a ways off that you want to climb, but before you even get there, there is some distance you must walk with some hills and valleys. Well, life is like that too -- so you made it to the mountain base, and you started climbing ~ oh, but wait a minute, there are some crevices in the way that you must make detours around, so you do, but you are making great progress. You are 1/4 of the way up, and then a third, and a half, and so on. You are young and strong, so you are beatin' that trail like there is no tomorrow ... and before long, with a few starts and stops and detours and rests and pauses, you reach a peak. Wow ... eureka, you think -- oops, but oh no, you are not to the summit yet. And this is the toughest part yet; it is the most difficult part of the journey; and it is hard, and you start to stumble and fall, even though the distance isn't that far. But in order to reach the summit, you must overcome these obstacles, and the only way to do that is to ... PERSEVERE. So ... are you going to give up now?

NO, YOU ARE NOT, MY DEAR! Now, take a look at what has happened that may be contributing to what is going on right now. Maybe get a pad and paper out and journal what has changed in your ... 1) circumstances 2) food arrangements 3) stress management 4) surroundings 5) feelings -- and so forth. Write them down. What had you been feeling just before binging? Are you hungry? Are you bored? Are you upset? Are you lonely?

Then write down what strategies you could implement to get the rest of the way up that mountain ...

1) get rid of troublesome food 2) set a few small goals 3) maybe try some things that will fill your time more (ie get a job, take up race walking, start a new hobby, go to the beach) 4) get out of the house more 5) get some counselling if needs be 6) get some supports around you like a buddy system (a friend or relative to go walking or jogging with you). 7) and keep coming here too!

YOU CAN MAKE IT THE REST OF THE WAY UP THAT MOUNTAIN, but don't forget that you have to come back down; and you will face some similar and some different obstacles -- but they are all achievable. You can do this. There are many people here that have and are going thru the same thing as you. Go to the maintainers section and ask them how they deal with temptations and ward off old bad habits as well.

They say one way to squash an old bad habit, it to create a new, good one to replace it. There's something to work on ... I am a former binger, so I do understand, but the key is to pick yourself up, wipe yourself off, and keep on going ... Perseverance is the key to overcoming every difficult thing in this life.
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Old 07-12-2009, 01:21 AM   #7
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Aw, honey. I can't fully understand what you're going through, but I do understand the desperation, because I had one true genuine binge back in December, and it's actually what caused me to turn my life around. I remember the feeling of hopelessness, not being able to stop eating even if you want to, even though you know what it's doing to your body. You feel like you don't have control. and it's tough. But it's just a trick. You do have control. The only way you won't have control is if you think about how you didn't have control before. Forget everything that just happened and just live in the moment. Think only about how you are now going to eat an apple, and not how you just ate all that crap. You can do that. You can have control over that apple. Then maybe you can have a salad later. You can have control over that salad. Enough of these small baby steps and you WILL gain control again.

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Ugh, I just feel like I have too much to do--like there's so much (TOO much) keeping me from reclaiming a healthy lifestyle, and like I'll never be able to get back on track, let alone get back to my all-time low, etc. I wasn't even 100% happy with my body when I had actually reached me all-time low, and now I'm like 10 lbs over that (even MORE, after tonight's binge!), and I bet everyone can tell, and I'm so embarrassed... Pretty soon my pants will probably stop fitting, too! And how the **** am I supposed to lose all that weight and THEN keep going again? I feel like I just don't have enough time! It's too much! Grrrrrrr.
Okay. So don't think of going anywhere. Just think of one pound at a time. Just think of it as one bite at a time. Just think of it as ONE DAY at a time. I don't know what is causing your binges, but have you considered perhaps that maybe subconsciously your mind hasn't caught up with the idea of being thin? Before, it was just a fantasy, and you could work towards it, and be excited, and have motivation. But now you REALLY ARE THIN. Perhaps part of you doesn't feel secure this way, and your subconscious is going "HOLY CRAP I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS" and is trying to get you back into its "comfort zone" of fat, because it's what you have known for so long and felt most comfortable in. Now you have to deal with the realities of not losing weight, but living as A THIN PERSON. It's a whole different mindset, and maybe even lifestyle. Maybe your mind isn't ready for it yet, and your body got there faster than your mind could. So MAYBE... maybe the absolute best possible thing you could try to do is try to stop losing for a while. Try to get back to 150 at the lowest, and then TRULY get yourself in that mindset of, "I am maintaining. I am thin. I need to learn how to live this way. But it is worth it."

You want to know how to stop it? Think about how you felt. Think about how you REALLY felt when you weighed 263 pounds. Don't think about how you just binged, or all the mistakes you have made these past few weeks. Get that all out of your head, RIGHT NOW. It's all behind you. It doesn't exist. Pretend it never even happened. Because that will only hold you back and overwhelm you. Someone who is in debt is going to have so much more trouble earning up money because they constantly have their debt looming over their head. If they could just make it disappear and get a fresh start, free of regrets, they would be able to succeed. You CAN'T let your failures weigh you down, Meredith. Everything you have done so far is a success. Even gaining this 10 pounds is a little bit of a success. You know why? Because you realized you have a problem. You realized you can't be cured. And so now you know that you have to TRY, and not just a little, but hard, and for the rest of your life.

But I think this is worth it to you. Alcoholics have to work genuinely hard at remaining sober their whole lives. But ask a recovered alcoholic if it is worth it, and I'm sure almost all would say yes. To be able to truly experience life, to be able to truly love their children, their families (which they couldn't do when they were constantly in a (abusive) drunken stupor). Isn't that worth the sacrifice of having to have the utmost dilligence around alcohol for their entire lives? And your weight loss, too, Meredith, is WORTH IT. Now you can finally be at a place you are comfortable at. This desire to binge will never leave you, most likely. Instead of searching for a way to cure it, just pour all your energy into doing the best you can. Even if you stumble once in a while, you just have to keep getting up, again and again. It's the only way. If you expect yourself to be perfect, you will never meet your own expectations. If you expect yourself to try your hardest but still realize you will mess up a little along the way, then you WILL succeed. No one likes to constantly fail, right?

Now, you said you're not comfortable with your body. But you might get down to 120 and not be satisfied with your body. Sometimes we magnify all of our imperfections, until that is all we can see. I have seen your pictures, and you look 100% normal, and FABULOUS, at 150. No joke. Not trying to make you feel better here. If I had just seen you, having no idea that you had once been morbidly obese, I would have though the exact same thing. And I understand, because I have a similar problem, with the color of my skin. I'd like to say it's not true, but it is. I have an extremely strong urge to be pale. Not just light, but pale. For the past 4 months I have done everything in my power to acheive this. I started using a sun umbrella whenever outside, put on sunscreen EVERY day and reapplied it every few hours, avoiding being outside as much as possible, put lemon juice all over my skin, used papaya soap, all just so I could lighten my skin. And it's worked... to an extent. While I was getting lighter I felt so happy, like one day I could have the skin of my dreams. But then it just stopped. I have some extremely pale friends, but my skin is naturally a little darker than theirs. No matter what I do, I cannot get as pale as them. But I can't accept this. I feel... inferior to them. I feel inferior to anyone who is pale than me. Everytime I see someone else, I find myself inconspicously comparing their skin color to my own. If I'm lighter, I'm happy. If they are paler, I feel like crap. I feel like they are better than me, because their skin is lighter. I can't stop. I can't get it out of my head. My friends tell me I'm not tan, but I look in the mirror and all I see is this tanned FREAK. One time I was in the shower and started scrubbing my skin until it was red, feeling like I was scrubbing my tan away. All it left me with was sore skin, and a few unsightly white marks. I see myself as tan in the mirror, and so I see myself as ugly. I can't see myself for who I really am, and I feel like such a freak, like no one could ever think I'm pretty. And you know what, it's a problem. I probably AM pretty. Being paler won't make me prettier. I can say this, of course, but deep down my desire to lighten my skin won't go away. Likewise, you probably realize that losing more weight might not make you feel better about yourself, but the urge to do so remains regardless. I understand.

Now Meredith, you're not stupid for thinking you could "fix" it. Who wouldn't want to think that? I hate to bring up alcoholics again, but how many do you think have not wistfully thought that perhaps they could fix their problem and truly be normal? But it doesn't change the situation. They need to come to terms with the fact that they have to be sober for life, just like you need to come to terms with the fact that you have to work harder than most "normal people" to manage your weight. But this makes it all the more worth it. The things we work hardest for are the ones that matter most. Even now, if you could just stop where you are and maintain 10 lbs over your low weight, think of all that you have ACCOMPLISHED, Meredith. You've lost over 100 pounds. That's amazing, girl! No one can take that away from you. Gaining 10 pounds doesn't subtract from the 100 or more that you have still kept off. That doesn't mean it's okay to keep gaining, but that it's okay to fail once in a while. No one's perfect, and if you expect yourself to be, you're just going to crack under the pressure.

You have to try to let go of your failures. It's the only way. Even if you don't realize it, they ARE weighing you down. Focus on all that you have accomplished, and use that as fuel to get to where you want to be. No one ever climbed a mountain by thinking about all the time they wasted slipping back down. They climbed it by thinking about how far they had gone. And you have climbed a moutain and back, my dear. You're truly an inspiration, even more so now. You don't have to be perfect for all of us to be in awe of you. You just have to be willing to change. You are dedicated. Being willing to get back up after you have fallen shows far more dedication than being able to continue when you have never even stumbled. And I respect you for that all the more. So it's time, dear, it's time! Time to get back up!!!!!!!!!! You stumbled a bit, but you're not hiding from that. Embrace it. Look forward! Fight! And try to enjoy your life to the fullest. I have faith in you! Carpe Diem! Seize the day! =D

(Oh gosh sorry this got so long. I really got into it. I'm actually tearing up right now. Everything you said just struck a chord with me. And everything I typed just kind of overwhelmed me and now I'm getting really emotional.... )
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Old 07-12-2009, 01:44 AM   #8
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There's a whole lot of gray area between maintenance and 7000 calorie binges. Sometimes we act like it's either perfection or nothing at all. What now? Breakfast in the morning. Start with that, good, healthy enjoyable foods, and enough to fill you up, and go from there. And breathe.
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Old 07-12-2009, 02:10 AM   #9
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Stop!

You ARE inspiring and you HAVE done so well! You are such an amzing person to have the willpower that got you to where you are. You changed your entire life and that is a bigger accomplishment then most people can claim. Maintaining weight is not an easy task, ask any of the maintainers that are on this forum everyday for the support they still need! This is not something that you can do for a few months and go back. Just like losing weight, it takes a lot of trial and error. You have stepped back and realized that binging does not make you feel better (hence the hysterical crying) and the ten pounds you've got to show for it is not where you want to be.

You are one of my biggest inspirations and even if you don't feel like one right now, you truly are a star. Let yourself shine, don't get hung up on the small mistake you've made, instead, just look at tomorrow and how it is a fresh start. Not the next day or the day after. Just tomorrow and how you will make it a better day because you know how. I know you do.

I hope you find the strength to do better, I know you can because I've seen it, I have witnessed the amazing thing you've done. You are awesome, and I'm so happy that even if you're not feeling like it, you have succeeded, just like the rest of us hope to.
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Old 07-12-2009, 02:14 AM   #10
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You've received a lot of good advice. I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you. You mentioned you are "home." --Could there be triggers there that are setting things in motion--triggers which don't exist when you aren't there?

It sounds a lot like your environment is behind this somehow. In other words, it isn't YOU, chickie--it is something outside of you--something external. And you have a choice about how to deal with whatever it is that's triggering these episodes.

You are AWESOME! You really, really are.
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Old 07-12-2009, 02:44 AM   #11
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Meredith sweetheart, you are just afraid of success. Calm down. You did it. That is normal for you to be afraid of letting others down because you accomplished such a high goal in the past. I can relate to this in an academic sense. I would get super high grades on exams. Even ace them. I'd feel alot of attention and heat from my classmates--some were jealous, my teacher was ecstatic--but I was afraid of this center of attention stuff--so much so I really felt like just throwing a test for the **** of it--so I would go AHEAD AND LET EVERYONE DOWN BECAUSE I WAS INEVITABLY GOING TO DO IT. And the GUILT i had because most people struggled so hard with what I had such ease doing! The pressure of trying to keep up such high expectations all of the time was really getting to me...even now..as I am entering my nursing program. I am so AFRAID OF MY REPUTATION. Because I feel like everyone who was jealous will be waiting for me to fail, and everyone that looked up to me will be let down. another constant thought I have is that I REALLY DIDN'T SUCCEED FAIRLY. I graduated at the top of my class because of something someone else did for me. .and there's no way I could do it again. Deep down I know it was my hard work and dedication. But I can't accept myself as successful.

What you are experiencing is how success can sometimes destroy the weak. Which you are NOT WEAK. Even if you are--you know that and you can just ask God for help. He will help you stay strong.

For one thing, being back home is setting you off, whether you realize it or not. You are probably surrounded by CONSTANT reminders of how you were for a VERY LONG TIME. You might even be having an identity crisis with yourself sweetie. That's normal too--you are a new person on the outside--but you are still the same you on the inside. You are reaching for familiar territory. You don't have to change the outside back, now you have to change the inside. And that means letting go of your fear of failure so you can enjoy your success.

I just want to give you a big hug. Hang in there darling. Remember, "the only problem food solves is hunger"
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Old 07-12-2009, 02:53 AM   #12
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Star2Be- StarUare- Your binge does not define who you are, nor negate the profound progress you have made. A change in situation, location, etc.- ie going home for the summer- presents a whole new set of challenges, ones you probably didn't expect and weren't prepared to manage off the bat. You will learn from this. Hang in there. I don't believe there is a bit of "fraud" in you- you are extremely honest, human and real, and brave to share your pain with us. I'll bet that is something different- binges are usually such a secret (mine always have been!) The fact that you are speaking out about it shows
that you have changed. Please don't beat yourself up. You don't have to be 100%-wow, that's a lot of pressure you put on yourself! No one is perfect, or even near to it. Keep posting and know that you have support and understanding here.
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Old 07-12-2009, 04:30 AM   #13
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You inspire me to no end, even now.
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Old 07-12-2009, 05:10 AM   #14
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You're not wasting time or a failure or any other of the negative things you were feeling when you posted.

However, learn the lesson you are experiencing now; and learn from me: after 106lbs lost, I too thought I was cured. I spent a miserable 4 years gaining 89lbs back to where I started here. We are never cured, only recovering. Sorry but that's how it is, and all of us who have learned that lesson have learned it in the painful way you are doing now.

You probably do need to stop and look at what's set you off this time but maybe the first way forward is to tackle the immediate and what you can. So don't think about what you've done that you regret foodwise recently: you cannot undo it, you have to move on from it. Make a plan for your eating today, and then today make a plan for your eating tomorrow. Make sure there is plenty space in your plan for foods you like. Make a baby step today and join it up to another one tomorrow. Yes ok, a bit like starting your weightloss for the first time; sometimes we have to go back to basics.

I understand your panic. If you read my heartbreak post, like you I'm standing on the edge of a very big black hole. We don't have to step into it, however tempting it is to just jump in and allow ourselves to be overwhelmed; we can step away from this, a step at a time, and with your commitment and success capabilities, I know you can take those steps.
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Old 07-12-2009, 07:23 AM   #15
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whoa whoa whoa Meredith!!! Hang on sweetheart! No matter what's happened with the binges lately, it doesn't happened and now you have to move forward. What matters is that you STOP and identify the trigger. I think, like a few others have mentioned, that being "home" is the trigger for you. You were away, you were getting your life in control, your weight, you were finding out who YOU really are and now you are "home". Home can mean a lot of things to a lot of people and it's not always positive. You may be "home" and love your friends and family but that doesn't mean that things aren't going on on a subconcious level.

I think almost EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has lost weight and been at their goal weight for a while experiences a fall-back. Losing the weight is only HALF the battle! And actually probably the EASIEST part. Maintenance and keeping it off is where the difficulties lie. And guess what? Even I am not a FAILURE - I lost weight, kept it off and then gained it all back 3 years later. All of it and then some. And I went through feelings like what you are experincing right now only I didn't do something about it right away, I let these negative feelings and self-loathing consume me and oh, how much time I wasted! You CAN do something about it right now. But even I am not a failure Meredith, so you definitely are not!!!

So, stop, breathe, find the trigger and then together we can come up with some strategies to avoid these binges until you are feeling a bit more in control and stronger again.
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