I’ve been putting off contributing to this post but felt the need to finally add my stories…
I'd always been thin until about 5 years ago when the weight starting creeping on. I could eat anything I wanted and not gain weight. But boy, I sure developed some bad habits that way.
I’ve done pretty much everything, with the exception of the fast food ordering for two thing. But only because I had never thought to do it! Instead I’d just buy enough to feed 2 or three people, only getting one drink, sometimes even none. I figured I wasn’t going to see the people again in any real life context so who cared?
I’ve gone to the grocery store and been suckered into the candy aisle. Bags of sour candy (the large size, not the individual servings) plus the large bags of Starbursts and peanut M&Ms. I’ve sat in front of the TV absent mindedly eating them until I’m sick. Then I take a break, and go back for more. I’ve made those Jello brand no-bake cheesecakes and eaten the entire thing, then still craved more so I have eaten slices of bread, tortillas, chips, pasta with ketchup on it, anything I could find it put in my mouth.
The absolute worst I ever ate was my all-time favorite sugar/salt combination - salted butter and brown sugar, mixed together. No, not like a couple tablespoons of butter, but half a stick or more. It started when I realized I loved eating raw cookie dough, but particularly the part before you added in the egg and flour. I realized I could skip the cookies if I just had the butter and sugar mixed together. Horrible, horrible looking back. I’d even add in extra salt to the mix for the added savory-ness I thought it gave the calorie-dense goo.
The lie I always told myself was, “If I eat it all, there is no possible way to absorb all of the calories.” My body must only be able to absorb a couple thousand, not the 5 thousand or more I was shoveling into my mouth in a single sitting. Another favorite lie is that “If I eat it all tonight it won’t be around tomorrow to give into. Better eat it all right now!” Of course, tomorrow would come and I would be stocked up again on my binge foods, telling myself it had to all disappear in the same night.
And there you have it, the worst of my binge tales. I haven’t done anything that bad recently, and the butter thing hasn’t happened for about a year. The worst I do now is order 3 cheeseburgers from my favorite drive thru (plus fries of course!) or buy an entire cream pie from the bakery of my deli and eat ½ of it in a sitting. I’m sure there will come a day when I am eating everything in my condo, but at least now I don’t have as much junk food. Although I wouldn’t put it past the current me to drive the 2 miles to the store and fill up my basket on a particularly bad day, “treating myself”, thinking “I deserve it”. Always feeling worse after.
uwfan: I've done that exact same thing with creaming butter and sugar and just eating it like that! I also used to make an entire batch of cookie dough and eat the whole thing alone (often to the point of physical illness). There are too many stories I could tell about my binges.
All of these stories are so helpful for me, so thank you, thank you everyone. I am so obsessive and in love with food, it's wonderful to know I'm not alone.
BodyTOObootylicious - I am glad I am not the only one! I seriously thought I was crazy on that one... we are all more alike than we know! So good to read everyone's stories!
Wow. I have done the ordering 2 drinks at fast food places so that it didn't look like all that food was just for me. I thought I was some kind of slick character too, hahaha.
Mostly, my binging is just on regular food. I have definitely binged on junk, but not very often-usually 10 times a year I'd say. But I'll cook a stew or something and eat 9/10ths of it myself. Ugh.
Reading these posts makes me laugh and (nearly) cry. I don't know why it's taken me so long to see that I have a problem! Thanks to all of you for your incredible honesty.
I'm currently going through this "nachos with cheese" phase. The goopy not-real-cheese stuff you find at movie theaters.
Four days ago, I discovered that 7-11 sells nachos, and that you can dispense your own cheese - meaning you can use as much as you want. This was the discovery of the century for me, pretty much - the fact that the "cheese" tastes like nothing but chemicals and sadness is totally eclipsed by the fact that I am able to completely drown my food (and my shame) in it without having to actually order extra from a real live person who might judge me.
Anyway, last night I could feel the frenzy coming on, so I drove to 7-11. I went in, grabbed about 6 tons of candy bars, a bathtub full of Slurpee, and a tray of nachos. I paid for my purchases, and went to dispense my "cheese." There happened to be a very attractive young police officer standing by the dispenser, reading a copy of some men's magazine with a half-naked girl on the cover. I smiled at him, and immediately felt awash with shame for what I was about to do right in front of him. Still, I gathered my resolve, and pushed the button. Nothing came out. After about a minute of holding the button, one tiny, sad little blob of room-temperature orange goo made its way down onto my chips as the machine whirred and struggled loudly to produce something. After another couple of minutes, I was beginning to feel REALLY stupid standing there, but couldn't bear the thought of having to ask the cashier - in front of the hot cop who was definitely watching - for more cheese. Blushing furiously, I made a decision - cut and run. I took my bare nachos and beat a hasty retreat, feeling humiliated and defeated.
But it doesn't end there.
My entire reason for going to 7-11 was for those nachos, and damn it, I was going to get them! I pulled out my phone and searched for the next nearest 7-11 - 5 minutes away. Perfect. I drove over, went in, and purchased a second tray of nachos. This time, there was an absolutely gorgeous girl standing by the cheese dispenser, glancing at me as she assembled her hot dog, looking for all the world like Kat Von D. in hideous pajamas. Still blushing from my last attempt at nachos, and realizing it was simply destiny to have an attractive witness to my indulgence, I once again approached the dispenser. At first, the "cheese" flowed just fine, but as it began sputtering and slowing down, I began to literally panic, worrying that I just wasn't going to be able to get enough ("enough" meaning somewhere around 6 gallons, or whatever would fit in the tray and still allow me to close the lid). After a couple minutes of - once again - standing there like an idiot waiting for my "fix," the cashier INTERRUPTED HIS TRANSACTION WITH ANOTHER CUSTOMER to literally run over to me, glance at my nachos (which, thankfully, didn't have an all together abnormal amount of cheese on them), glance at the machine, and say in very broken English, "Excuse me, miss, do you need more cheese?" I think I turned about as red as a tomato, stammered out, "No, I'm fine, thanks," and once again darted out with my tail between my legs.
I only ended up eating the few chips that had "enough" cheese on them. All in all, it was a VERY unsatisfying binge considering the enormity of the blow to my dignity.
Haha, Scoot, that reminds me of the time i had already eaten plenty (i'm not sure whether i'd actually eaten dinner, since i wasn't eating set meals, just eating constantly throughout the day) and was at the airport, my flight was leaving in 20 minutes, and i decided to get a philly cheese steak. I ordered it and they were so frickin' slow at making it. Finally i heard last call for my flight...i asked them if my cheesesteak was ready, it STILL wasn't ready...i was like ok seriously am i going to miss my flight for a sandwich???? So i ditched the cheesesteak that i had just paid $12 for, so mad that i had ever ordered it in the first place.
Scoot--that's a well told story!
I totally know what it feels like to need my fix--damn it!
Sometimes I try to trick myself into eating something other than the food I am obsessing about--but if I give in to the craving--I have to have that food, and nothing else will suffice.
I don't have very good binge stories. I have an eating disorder story. About four years ago, when I wore size 0, I went on this super long bike ride, after only eating the minimum amount of calories. I was so tired and weak when I got home I immediately dove for the peanut butter and chocolates sauce, then I finished it off with some kind of leftover fish--I had such a horrible stomach ache I had to pass out on the couch and fall asleep for two hours. I like to tell myself that story to remind me that skinniness doesn't equal happiness--healthiness works much better.
But--here is my binge story--last night I cooked two pizzas in the oven, for me, my son, and my husband. Before my husband got home I ate all but two pieces of the first pizza--then when I heard him at the door, I squished the two remaining slices into a tupperware and hid them, because I didn't want him to know I nearly ate the whole pizza myself. Then, when he went outside I ravenously ate one of the slices. I quickly served my husband half of the other pizza, and my son most of the other half. Then I secretly ate the last slice of the first pizza. Then I stayed up past midnight drinking a bottle of wine, and watching weird shows about haunted objects. This one evening totaled my entire caloric goal for the whole day.
When I regained the weight...the first scoop of ice cream didn't even taste that great. I weaned myself off of sugar and did not like it anymore, but I still finished it. I was so depressed because of my family. Eventually, the cravings began again, and as a person who always liked to eat alone, I began to eat at 4 AM, just so no one would catch me. Ice cream, chocolate, leftovers that involved lots of oils.
In my mind, there is the way I eat in front of other people versus the way I eat when I am alone. I grew up alone, and ate dinner alone so I always feel more satisfaction and comfort when I eat alone. I got nitpicked a lot growing up-I got picked on because of my race in elementary school during lunch and I would get nasty comments about what or how I ate by my family. This may have caused me to feel embarrassed to relax and enjoy my food in front of others. I tended to feel a strange comfort waking up at 4 AM to sneak in some food when everyone was asleep.
My food history mainly consists of filling foods. I always liked to be filled up, this idea that I had something inside of me. Maybe it was because I secretly felt lonely? I guess this stuff made me MORE alone though, I have to isolate myself when I eat like this. I was addicted to eating so much fiber from bread, because it was so filling and I felt less guilty because it was a somewhat healthy food. I cannot go back to eating Nutella. Some people have told me, just eat a small serving! err no, I cannot do that. I have to have at least half the jar and half a loaf of bread once I start-just do!
I realized that these are foods that I don’t even like that much, just food that was bad but I could justify it as healthy so I would not feel like an unhealthy binger. I ate Nutella because it was fancy and European so I felt less guilty about eating a jar of chocolate. I ate bread because it had fiber. I ate the OK Ben and jerry's flavors because 1 serving had 330 cals instead of 340 cals, as though that made it OK to eat the whole container + saltines in one sitting! I ate the peanut butter and preserved fruits for the filling feeling and because they were healthy. Once foods become an addiction that I do not really enjoy, however, they are no longer healthy for me.
I had a big issue with an eating disorder before I started dating my husband. I have a big weakness to snack foods- especially small packaged, easy-to-devour foods. But I haven't had any seriously bad binges in the 5.5 years we've been together, none that stand out to me like I used to be. However, this one happened while I was pregnant, a few months ago. I think it's funny, but it's the impulsive behavior, like so many on this thread have said, that whips the funny right out of it to the root of the problem that it really is.
So at about 35 weeks pregnant, I had a huge thing for cookies & cream drumsticks. At this point, I had only gained about 6 pounds my entire pregnancy. DH bought some for me one evening and I had one that night. The next day I ate all 3 remaining in the box!!! So I went to Target while he was at work, bought more (with cash) and ate one on the way home, and also gave one to a homeless guy so that it would look like there were still 2 in the box when he came home.
What's funny is that night he commented on how proud of me he was that I only ate one because he was sure he'd come home and they would all be gone. I couldn't hold it in so I finally broke down and told him what I had done. He just laughed and laughed at me!!! Looking at it now, it's still kind of funny because "ha ha, pregnant ladies are funny." But that wasn't pregnant me- that was unhealthy, need-to-have-it-now and damn the consequences me. That's a dangerous behavior I have to make sure doesn't invade my daily now. It's a constant battle, but it's worth winning every single time I'm successful.
I am grateful for this thread. I've done the drive-thru thing so many times. Wait till it's dark so the neighbors don't see, drive off and order for two+ people. Come home and eat it all save for a bite or two for the dogs.
Or go grocery shopping and buy a couple of "bad" things and scarf them down before getting home. Plotting out where public trashcans are to dispose of the evidence so the husband doesn't see.
So self-destructive. Not that I wish these compulsions on others, but it's good to know that it's not just me.
It's funny because for the most part I don't eat a lot of packaged food. I don't like chips or Doritos or grocery store chocolate. You could fill a room with "fresh" grocery store bakery products and I wouldn't touch a one. It sounds kinda snobby, but that stuff just doesn't taste like anything to me and doesn't feel "special" or like I'm treating myself, which is part of why I binge.
But if I end up at one of the city's amazing bakeries, watch out! I'll order one of everything. You know, for me and the 8 dinner guests I have coming over. It's fancy and a treat and I deserve it! And I'll eat a whole loaf of bread from one of those places too. Bread and butter. Nom nom nom.
And if I'm not binging, you couldn't pay me to eat fast food. But if I am having one of those nights, it's through the drive-thru I go. Eat it all and then feel stupid because it didn't even taste good to begin with.
Reading this thread a couple of months ago helped me think more about why I do this and how to avoid it in the future. If I get some bakery treats and hide them, the shame and guilt and feelings of stupidity will lead me to eating them all in secret. But if I put it all out in the kitchen so my husband knows I bought them, knows they are there, I'll eat them like a "normal" person would.
Funny how our brains like to torture us sometimes.
This is so amazing...I was in such denial that I didn't even consider what I was doing as bingeing! It wasn't until I started watching (ironically) "Intervention" and "Heavy" on A&E that I started thinking that maybe all the little (and big) secret behaviors that I had around food was a problem. You would also think that the 100 pounds I've gained in 10 years would have been a clue as well . Thanks for your stories...they've really helped me feel like I'm not alone as I begin my journey to be healthy.
For me, it never starts as anything specific. But in like 15 minutes it has been before: 2 cupcakes, string cheese, chips and dip (as in 2-3 servings), a candy bar, and anything else that I could get my hands on washed down with good ole coke. AURGH. I would wake up with what I like to call a food hang over--so stuffed still (bc I ate before bed) that it feels like I did 10 shots the previous night.
. Thanks for your stories...they've really helped me feel like I'm not alone as I begin my journey to be healthy.
