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-   -   Are you treated differently? (http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/carb-counters/38315-you-treated-differently.html)

StarPrincess 03-22-2004 02:09 PM

Are you treated differently?
 
For those of you who have seen my before and so far pictures, you know that I look pretty different. I'm happy about it, but now I'm noticing that I get treated differently in both positive and negative ways and it's making me very aware of the biases against others that people have.

Here are some examples:

* My youngest brother is struggling right now and so DH and I anonymously gave him a few hundred dollars at Christmas. This is not at all out of character for me, but when my dad found out about it, he went off on how much of a better person I've become since losing weight.

* I have started to notice that people are doing special favors for me all the time. And not just men.

* I have been told that I'm nicer, better, friendlier, etc by people who know me on an aquaintance lever, but those close to me assure me that I'm the same old person I've always been.

* On the same note, I've been told that I'm stuck up and think I'm better than everyone else.

* People who didn't want much to do with me before, now want to hang out with me. People who hung out with me before now don't want much to do with me.

Honestly, I don't think I'm any different that I've always been. I don't normally talk about my weight loss, eating habits, or exercise habits. I still just go out and do what I do. But it bothers me. So I have 2 questions:

1. Do people treat you differently because of how you look?

2. Do you treat other people differently because of how they look?

lady_adnerb 03-22-2004 02:39 PM

I've got to admit I don't think I'm treated any different. I've got this bad habit that when someone mentions my weight loss I DO go into how I've lost it. And of course then I have to go into it further when it's said to be "meat and cheese".
As for how I treat others? I think I'm a little more confident than I used to be, so I'm thinking that's making me more open to others. Well, not THAT open. lol. But it allows me to look UP at people now instead of stare at my feet. I know I'm not beautiful but I'm happy with me and right now that's all (well, that and the fact that my DH seems to be enjoying this new body. lol) that matters.

jane8760 03-22-2004 03:46 PM

Boy Star I am reading this and my eyebrows were scrunching together in utter disbelief and frustration.

People can be really unbelievable I guess. The only thing I can think of that would "make you a better person" is maybe that now you are happier with yourself and of course that would show in many ways but other than that....we are who we are. How would losing weight make us nicer or more popular? But as I write that I just realize that unfortunately that is how it goes in our society. The thin and pretty always win.
And what would giving your brother some money have anything to do with anything! You just did it and I'm sure you would have done it no matter what size you are :dunno:
I bet the people would think you are stuck up is simply because they are mad that you achieved this and perhaps they can't change something about themselves that they need to. Does that make sense?

As for me...no one is treating me differently yet. I wish. You know I was actually going to go and talk to my plastic surgeon about the possibility of lyposuction to help things along......but then I found out the price and the recoop time then thought....."I can do this, I know I can....I have to". Why did I suddenly get obsessed about how I look? Because I want what everyone else has....who everyone is is beyond me. But you know how we think sometims.

I am a person that HATES it when people don't like me....it really bothers me. But it also bothers me more that I don't always like myself....so that is what I am after, learning to like myself, and when it happens if someone is small enough to not like me for some petty reason then so be it. :finger sticking up:

lady_adnerb 03-22-2004 05:13 PM

oh well said!!!!

StarPrincess 03-22-2004 05:30 PM

It's totally crazy to me. Really.

Jane - do NOT do lipo!!! When I had my breast reduction, they did lipo on the sides and OMG that was terrible! It hurt more than any other aspect of my surgery and I had bruises for an entire month! I swore then and there that I would never do lipo by choice. No matter what!

On the other hand, I do plan on having a tummy tuck when having kids is done. The way I can slide my skin up and down my torso is really kindof freaky. :eek:

Kim in NJ 03-22-2004 06:37 PM

Star - you are not crazy.... it is very true what you are experiencing!
I was 200lbs back in 1988 - and then slim fasted my way to 134 lbs. in 1991.

I got promotions at work and big raises.

People thought I was so funny and the life of the party.

New people wanted to hang with me (that NEVER gave me the time of day)

EVEN WORSE - at a family reunion a 2nd cousin's daughter who was 6 at the time was always very snotty to the family members - but that XMAS when I was in a size 6 she sat on my lap the whole time and literally was attached to my hip.

Yes, people used to say I was a nicer person and blah blah blah.

I HATED IT! I knew I was no different! It was horrible.
BUT - I had a co-worker who was heavy and I remember at lunch she used to come back from the cafeteria with a cold cut sandwish, potato chips and a regular soda.... and I could hear my thin brain saying "Why doesn't she just lose some weight? She's such a pretty girl and she would be so much happier if she just would change her habits." ??????????????????????????????? I remember feeling sick that I could think that way when it was so hard for me to lose the weight. I also remember thinking about it as my scale went back up, up, up and up and I couldn't gain control.

We are all human and preceive things as we learn through our experiences. I'm not sure we can control those thoughts and emotions - but it is good to write them down and reflect so we don't fall victim to it ourselves as I had done.

SeekInnerThinChick 03-22-2004 07:01 PM

I hope you all don't mind me butting into the Atkins forum, but I felt I had to chime in. I'm very definitely experiencing a lot of changes. Only my husband remains the same. Some of the heavy ladies I hung out with at the pool now hate me, although one or two, the top of the local pecking order, are starting to "make nice" when they snubbed me before. I hate that. But I haven't always been fat, and I find people who don't know me are treating me like a "normal" person, whereas when I was at my high weight most people treated me as if I had a disfiguring, foul-smelling, contagious disease.

And it's not just our society that's like that. I have friends, acquaintances, and family from lots of different cultures, and it's been the same. There's a great book on this topic called "Survival of the Prettiest" by Nancy Etcoff. It talks about how human social pecking orders always get established, in all societies, based on how one looks, which is an index of one's health, fitness, desirability as a mate, etc.-- all as part of the struggle for survival. It's well worth reading, in my view, and it certainly has helped me know what to expect. Good Luck with your program, everyone.

StarPrincess 03-22-2004 07:14 PM

Thanks for the book advice! I'm gonna go find it!

Leenie 03-22-2004 08:48 PM

They sure do treat you different and I think when we lose weight we tend to hold our heads higher, and confident, that does make the world look and react to you differently, can't blame folks for that or yourself.

Here's a little story.

My highest weight was 300 lbs, my lowest 150.

I used to hang out at this local pub/bar w/my friends. I started hanging there when I was 300 lbs or so. I would go there several times a week and for many years so I would see the same guys over and over. It took me about 1 1/2 years but I lost 150 lbs and these people watched me do it.

I remember this one guy who wouldn't give me the time of day when I was 300 lbs, when I was about 165 lbs or so, he decided I guess I was worth getting to know. For weeks I noticed him stairing at me and asking the bartender things.

Well one night I was with my girlfriend and we were sitting there at the bar watching TV when the bartender came over w/a drink and said it was from that guy.

I smiled at him, picked up the drink and dumped it down the bar drain right in front of him and everyone else (I was very angry inside and bitter)....... This is horrible but I figured, you know, you wouldn't give me the time of day then, don't bother with me now. I was VERY HURT, and I told the bartender this. Inside I was the same person weather it be 300 lbs or 150 lbs. I felt if I wasn't good enuf for you then, then don't bother me now.

There's much more to this story than what I've told you, it would take all day to write, but you get the jest.

YES...People treat you differently.

Did this make sense ?

StarPrincess 03-23-2004 11:26 AM

Bravo Leenie! :cp: :cp: :encore: :cp: :cp:

southerngirl 03-23-2004 01:11 PM

It is so true that people treat you differently but I learned this from thin to fat... I gained 129 pounds while pregnant!!!! No one made much of it. I was pregnant and that was an excuse. By the time my daughter was 6 months, people were coming to me and asking when I was going to stop being lazy and lose the weight. I was on a diet at the time (Weight Watchers) and not losing. It was horrible, I was miserable and so embarrassed. Colleagues who had trouble with me leaving the career track and pursuing the mommy track, were scornful and critical of my weight gain saying things like "when I get married and have a baby I will never let myself go". They would not name me but it was obvious during lunches who they were refering to. When my ex and I split up, I dated a guy who constantly told me "You have such a pretty face. When are you going to get the rest of you to match up?" After five years of being on low cal, high carb diets, I was ready to give up. Also, I never lost weight for ME before. It was always in response to other people's hurtful words. I am sure I will be treated differently when I lose half my person. I'll be going from a 252 lb woman to a 120 pound woman and people are going to treat me differently. I was very hurt and bitter before. Now I accept it as common. My friends have been my friends when I was thin, through the fat years and are happy for me because I want to lose weight for ME. And that is making all the difference. I accept that more men will find me attractive when I am thinner... that said, I won't blame them or get angry because I will find myself more attractive physically when I am thinner. But that's just my take on it. :)

I know for me, personally, I was more outgoing and comfortable in my own skin when I was thin. I was happier with who I was physically. And I think people can see that - they notice we are happier, more confident and more comfortable when we are reaching our goals be it for weight loss or anything else.

jane8760 03-23-2004 03:44 PM

Don't worry StarPrincess......I am over my lypo phase :D Too painful and too much money!

I will just have to keep losing the old fashion way and whatever I end up being so be it :dunno:

If I turn a few heads when I am thinner then that's ok. Always makes a girl feel good :devil:

KarenW 03-24-2004 10:58 AM

OMG I cant believe I missed this topic!

YES Star they do treat you differently!! Here's my story...

Most of you know my kids are in a Catholic School. Well, being a SAHM, this kind of tuition can put a HUGE dent in our family budget. But to us it is worth going with out a few things so that our kids can be in a good school that teaches the same values we teach at home.

Well, needless to say, there are some VERY wealthy families at the school. Doctors, Managers from Microsoft and Boeing just to name a few. Many many who have their own aerospace companies too. I am extremely active at the school, involved with my kids classes and extra curricular activities. The prinicpal calls me regularly to do stuff with the website as well as other things.

So I am a very visible person at school. They all saw me gain the 20 pound in 2 months when I was on WW before I knew I was IR. I KNOW that some of them talked about me behind my back even before I added that 20 lbs and even more viciously once the weight came on. I even got some phone calls from some who told me "I" was spreading such and such rumor about someone else (Long long story about a very dear friend at school who also knows I was not the one and never even got involved with the whole situation)

Well Now they have seen my transformation. (I starting in August) Suddently I am invited to exclusive get togethers, called and asked for help with their computers and software, people are inviting my kids to parties that never invited them before. Very very strange feeling. I can say that I am not as self-concious as I was, especially as when I gained that 20 pounds. I know that I am feeling better about me and it shows as The faculty and staff at school keep telling me that I inspire them. Some are even doing Atkins now because of it. But the whole turn around from the "high-school" gang (My name for them because it feels that way sometimes) is very very strange. I am going to only one of the parties because it is a baby shower for a person who is a friend.

On the flip side though, one person who I thought was my friend and whose son is my son's best friend, has doen a complete 180. She stopped carpooling with us because it was "easier for her to go everyday" then just recently started carpooling with someone else. SHe stopped talking to me almost completely and didnt invite my son to her son's bday party (Like I said, best friends) Her husband is the doctor who did the surgery on My DD tonsils and adenoids and he is still great to us and will be DS's soccer coach again next year. But I am not sure what is up with her.. and she is very thin, active and weight conscious. IT is almost as if she was my friend because It was the right thing to do... and now that I am coming into my own weight wise and confidence wise, she cant be my friend anymore....

Very very strange......

SeekInnerThinChick 03-24-2004 11:28 AM

KarenW: This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about in my earlier post about the social pecking order. And if I had to take a flying guess about your friend, I'd say she's ticked off because you have entered "her" weight loss "territory." Sometimes slim women will choose to be seen with a heavier friend because it makes them look even better by contrast.

All this stuff seems like a replay of high school, and indeed it is. People say that men are aggressive and competitive with each other, but women are, too. They just do it with a different style, and it can be quite passive-aggressive and covert. This is in direct contradiction to the social programming women get to be sweet and nice at all costs. So you end up with a social system that's operating on two totally different levels, with a lot of cattiness under the sugary surface.

Anyway, congratulations on your weight loss and don't let them stop you. One thing about this process, you get to find out what other people are REALLY like-- and that's well worth knowing. You find out quickly who the truly decent people are. Another little known benefit of the process, lol!

StarPrincess 03-24-2004 12:08 PM

People treat me different confessions
 
Oh, please don't hate me for this, but since I've notice that people treat me different, I've been 'experimenting'. Here are my confessions:

* I sometimes make a conscious effort to walk into a room (or down street) like I own it just to see how people react.

* I have flirted with guys just to see if I can get them to buy me stuff. (Note: hubby knows about this and I make sure the guys know about hubby.)

* I have worn short skirts just to test the reaction factor.

* I have gone shopping at places where it's acceptable to barter just to see how much of a discount I can talk people into.

* I have walked up and started conversations with people I would have been terrified to talk to before to see if I'd be accepted.

* Ugh! This is the worst. I have caught myself watching someone who is obviously overweight, wearing dirty sweats, and appearing unkempt leaving a 7-11 with 2 huge slurpees and an armful of chips and candy and though to myself "That's why convenience stores should be outlawed"

Ewwwwwwwwww, I'm so ashamed of that last one! I'm really trying to own up to my thoughts and perceptions of other people. So please don't be angry at me. I'm hoping that by fessing up and trying to understand why I react to people the way I do, I'll stop being that way.


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