I have such a hard time being naked in front of my husband. I know he doesn't have an issue with my body but I do. But that's not the only reason I started this thread.
I find sex to be very difficult in any position other than missionary because I'm so out of shape. I also hate putting my full weight on him. He seems to like me on top but I hate it. To keep my weight off of him I'm using my legs and arms to hold me up. I can't even do a push up (I only focused on cardio). I have to keep switching between ways to not be so heavy on him that it's super distracting. Same with doggy. That position also requires upper body strength. To try and hide my muscle discomfort I pretend that to be extra enthusiastic.
And then don't get me started with his hands touching all my flab. I try not to show it but I feel super self-conscious. Love-handles, ugh! Most people would find touch to be electrifying but I cringe. I'm working on strengthening my body and continuing to lose the weight but I'm afraid that even once I reach my final goal I'll still struggle with be intimate. I'm sure more than a few of you have heard the idea that for some even after losing the weight one will still see themselves as a fat girl in a skinny body.
I know that my husband isn't one of those guys who cares about what I look like, he only sees me as beautiful. And he loves me for so much more. I just wish I saw myself the way he sees me.
Last edited by LovelyLeah; 02-18-2017 at 04:28 PM.
You are not alone -- not by a long shot. Even though I've lost quite a bit of weight, I know I will always struggle with some of the things you discuss. But I gotta say -- I really do enjoy knocking boots, and may have some helpful thoughts for you.
First, some of the stuff you're talking about can be easily fixed, and fairly quickly. Want to have better upper-arm strength? That's why God invented gyms. Or even just body-weight exercises. There's no one who doesn't have time to do 10 push-ups once a day. Can't do push-ups yet? I bet you can do knee ones, or even wall ones until you progress to regular push-ups. But I'm going to guess that you have enough strength now to do any of the things you want to do in bed if you just do them. It just might not be that pleasurable the first few times until you get stronger. In my mind, though, sex doesn't have to be great for me every single time, so long as I am either making it great for my husband or investing what I need to invest to make it great in the near future.
Secondly, I am guessing there are lots of positions you can enjoy that you haven't tried. Also, at 200 pounds, you are not too fat to have a great time on top. My favorite position is actually missionary, ironically, and I love having the weight of my 260-pound husband crushing into me. I don't know why. Something about it makes me feel even more connected to him. He's reluctant to do it, as he worries that I won't be able to breathe, but I always reassure him that I can throw him off if it actually becomes an issue. What I'm saying is -- does your husband actually complain about your weight? If he's like me, he might actually enjoy feeling your weight on top of him. Lots of people find weight on them to be comforting, and it's often used as sensory therapy.
There are also tons of other ways to copulate. Get a book. Or talk to your friends. Or just experiment. Find out what you like and what he likes, and try to make it fun. My analytical nature occasionally makes my husband uncomfortable, but I have learned so much from just asking him questions. And when we were struggling with something at one point, I designated an evening just to work on it. In other words, we scheduled a "Let's get better at sex" date. "Finishing" was explicitly not the goal. Rather, I just wanted to try different things and get his reaction so that we could work through this particular issue. Honestly, it was the single best thing I have ever done to improve our sex lives -- and that includes losing the weight, which is a mixed bag as far as sex.
Body image - Ugh. It's so, so hard, and it is hard whether you are fat or thin. Stretch marks, scars, cellulite, etc. ALL of us have them, including models, and so few of us are models. My husband is sensitive about his body hair and his stomach. Even after five years together, he shrinks away when I touch his stomach. But the hair covers everywhere, and I am not going to just not touch him. So, I started touching him and focused on not reacting to the thick, coarse hair, which, TBH, was initially a bit off-putting for me. It's still not my favorite feature of him, but I could not care any less about it. It certainly doesn't disgust me. Try to give your husband the gift of allowing him to touch you, and allowing yourself to be electrified by his touch. He loves you. You may benefit from therapy as well. But sex is never pristine like in the movies, at least in my experience. There's sweat and bad breath and sloppy (or missed) shaving and accidental emissions and so many random body things. Try to trust your husband and let it go, for his sake and your own. It's advice that I am always trying to take, and I know it's not easy.
You have a husband that loves you and you are healthy enough to enjoy sex. The challenge now is to get out of your own way so that it can be great for both of you.
You are not alone -- not by a long shot. Even though I've lost quite a bit of weight, I know I will always struggle with some of the things you discuss. But I gotta say -- I really do enjoy knocking boots, and may have some helpful thoughts for you.
First, some of the stuff you're talking about can be easily fixed, and fairly quickly. Want to have better upper-arm strength? That's why God invented gyms. Or even just body-weight exercises. There's no one who doesn't have time to do 10 push-ups once a day. Can't do push-ups yet? I bet you can do knee ones, or even wall ones until you progress to regular push-ups. But I'm going to guess that you have enough strength now to do any of the things you want to do in bed if you just do them. It just might not be that pleasurable the first few times until you get stronger. In my mind, though, sex doesn't have to be great for me every single time, so long as I am either making it great for my husband or investing what I need to invest to make it great in the near future.
Secondly, I am guessing there are lots of positions you can enjoy that you haven't tried. Also, at 200 pounds, you are not too fat to have a great time on top. My favorite position is actually missionary, ironically, and I love having the weight of my 260-pound husband crushing into me. I don't know why. Something about it makes me feel even more connected to him. He's reluctant to do it, as he worries that I won't be able to breathe, but I always reassure him that I can throw him off if it actually becomes an issue. What I'm saying is -- does your husband actually complain about your weight? If he's like me, he might actually enjoy feeling your weight on top of him. Lots of people find weight on them to be comforting, and it's often used as sensory therapy.
There are also tons of other ways to copulate. Get a book. Or talk to your friends. Or just experiment. Find out what you like and what he likes, and try to make it fun. My analytical nature occasionally makes my husband uncomfortable, but I have learned so much from just asking him questions. And when we were struggling with something at one point, I designated an evening just to work on it. In other words, we scheduled a "Let's get better at sex" date. "Finishing" was explicitly not the goal. Rather, I just wanted to try different things and get his reaction so that we could work through this particular issue. Honestly, it was the single best thing I have ever done to improve our sex lives -- and that includes losing the weight, which is a mixed bag as far as sex.
Body image - Ugh. It's so, so hard, and it is hard whether you are fat or thin. Stretch marks, scars, cellulite, etc. ALL of us have them, including models, and so few of us are models. My husband is sensitive about his body hair and his stomach. Even after five years together, he shrinks away when I touch his stomach. But the hair covers everywhere, and I am not going to just not touch him. So, I started touching him and focused on not reacting to the thick, coarse hair, which, TBH, was initially a bit off-putting for me. It's still not my favorite feature of him, but I could not care any less about it. It certainly doesn't disgust me. Try to give your husband the gift of allowing him to touch you, and allowing yourself to be electrified by his touch. He loves you. You may benefit from therapy as well. But sex is never pristine like in the movies, at least in my experience. There's sweat and bad breath and sloppy (or missed) shaving and accidental emissions and so many random body things. Try to trust your husband and let it go, for his sake and your own. It's advice that I am always trying to take, and I know it's not easy.
You have a husband that loves you and you are healthy enough to enjoy sex. The challenge now is to get out of your own way so that it can be great for both of you.
I have nothing to add. ^^^^^THIS is a superb response LaurieDawn!
Thank you so much! A lot of this I kinda cognitively knew but it feels so much better to have it confirmed. And even after posting I realized all I really needed to do was write this post and just get these worries and insecurities out of my head. I am working on the physical part and I know I'll get there. I'm just a little impatient.
Quote:
Secondly, I am guessing there are lots of positions you can enjoy that you haven't tried. Also, at 200 pounds, you are not too fat to have a great time on top. My favorite position is actually missionary, ironically, and I love having the weight of my 260-pound husband crushing into me. I don't know why. Something about it makes me feel even more connected to him. He's reluctant to do it, as he worries that I won't be able to breathe, but I always reassure him that I can throw him off if it actually becomes an issue. What I'm saying is -- does your husband actually complain about your weight? If he's like me, he might actually enjoy feeling your weight on top of him. Lots of people find weight on them to be comforting, and it's often used as sensory therapy.
Last night I thought about your post and I think I realized that my husband really likes me on top since the last few times he's kinda pulled me up there. I'm trying to shove my fears off to the side and just enjoying the moment. One of my biggest insecurities (even though he's said it's not an issue) is that I was 60 lbs lighter when we first met.
**And sorry, it wasn't until afterwards that I kinda realized I posted in the wrong forum.
Last edited by LovelyLeah; 02-23-2017 at 06:14 PM.
You could repost in a different forum, and might get more responses. But I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes the act of processing the thoughts enough to type them out is more of a solution than any responses you get.
On top can be pretty awesome. Hope you start figuring out the secret to allowing yourself to be in the moment and not worry about stuff that your husband probably isn't worrying about.
hello! I understand it's an older thread but couldn't keep myself from adding my 2cents. We all are in the same boat. Hate, loathing, feeling unsexy etc etc. My husband went out of his way a few years back, studying the bbw section of porn site and dating sites and went as far as creating a fake profile for me. He pretty much forced me to reply to my so called clients. I did appreciate the action and got a good boost in my esteem I won't lie. It certainly destroyed my "no one finds me sexy" argument. There are things we can't possibly do (like in the shower) BUT there are things that we CAN do as long as we are open to exploring. Own your body and wield it as the weapon that it is. Maybe your husband in the end enjoy it better. 😉
Last edited by emptysuitcase; 03-16-2017 at 09:52 AM.
I feel insecure at my size too :/, it's nothing I've really dealt with until last year. Even when I was 150 lbs I didn't think about it, but all the sudden when I hit 160...and then 170 I felt like a total walrus. My sex drive has definitely dropped, and I find the thing I dread the most is getting on top or just positioning myself accidentally so I look extra fat.
Ugh, just ugh.
I don't know if I'm going to get over in time that I skinny up anyway, I'm hoping this is the last year for a long time I feel like flubber in the bedroom. So for the meantime I am trying to just endure and remind myself every month I'm just getting skinnier, and if he loved me when I was even bigger it should be fine now.
Last edited by bloominbutterflies; 04-06-2017 at 04:03 PM.
Sex (Warning: Candid)
