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-   -   What BMI did men start asking you out? (http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/body-image-issues-after-weight-loss/289703-what-bmi-did-men-start-asking-you-out.html)

sonickel77 11-14-2013 03:16 AM

What BMI did men start asking you out?
 
Hi everyone

how thin did you have to get before men showed real interest in you?
I occasionally get a look if I'm well dressed and happy - more looking and the occasional sexual proposal (not dating) when my BMI gets down to 26-27. But no-one's ever been seriously interested in me.

What BMI did you have to reach before men started to see you as relationship material?

ShelBl 11-14-2013 03:27 AM

I was fat when I met my husband, I was fat when he married me, and I'm still fat 7 years into the marriage.

If you're looking for men that will notice you based on your BMI, you're either looking at the wrong kind of men or not looking at other aspects of yourself closely enough.

To suggest that any of us have to reach a certain BMI before we're considered attractive is insulting. I've seen plenty of women on here that are beautiful, period. To suggest otherwise sells us, and yourself, short.

zoesmom 11-14-2013 03:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShelBl (Post 4882979)
I was fat when I met my husband, I was fat when he married me, and I'm still fat 7 years into the marriage.

If you're looking for men that will notice you based on your BMI, you're either looking at the wrong kind of men or not looking at other aspects of yourself closely enough.

To suggest that any of us have to reach a certain BMI before we're considered attractive is insulting. I've seen plenty of women on here that are beautiful, period. To suggest otherwise sells us, and yourself, short.

^^^THIS^^^

I too met DH when I was fat, married him when I was fat, and have been with him for 8 years, still fat. Granted, I weigh less now than he has ever seen me weigh, but he loved me unconditionally, despite the weight. Before him, I had the same mind set, I had to be thin to feel love. Now, I just have to be me. Heck of a lot easier, never have to wonder if he'll leave me if I suddenly gain 70 pounds.

JollyGreenSteen19 11-14-2013 07:51 AM

NOT the answer you want I'm sure, but the idea we all have that we have to be thin to be loved is absurd. My husband met me overweight and is still with me 120 lbs later.

I will say though that yes sometimes being obese is a turn off. Physical attraction is a large part of romance, and how you carry yourself plays a large role too. I think my marriage will be better when I lose weight because I will be more confidant and comfortable in myself.

MichiganBridetoBe 11-14-2013 08:36 AM

I don't think I got looks because I was skinny, but it was probably because I was happy and confident as opposed to now where I feel like a blob in clothing. I got the most attention at BMI 30/29 (I'm nearly 5'10", so this was at a size 8). That's when I met my FI.

However I've dated guys seriously (2+ years) at weights ranging from 170-220.

kaplods 11-14-2013 08:55 AM

Despite what we're taught to believe, men actually rarely make the first move. They generally only ask out women who've shown interest first by smiling, flirting, eye contact.

On some level, women know this, because men who DO make the first move, with unsolicited contact are usually rejected, shot down because they come across as "creepy."

I think as larger women, we're often taught to send out mixed signals (or no signals at all). When I was younger, I never wanted to appear "too interested" in a guy, for fear of rejection and humiliation.

I also think many guys who are attracted to larger women, or to women of varying sizes, sometimes tend to be a bit gunshy themselves about rejection, and they're doubly afraid of being shot down.

I met my husband through a personal ad I placed, at 375 lbs. My ad was confident, flirty and funny, and blunt about my size, my desired size and what I wanted in a partner and what I had to offer.

I got a lot more responses than I expected (though some were more than a bit odd, no odder than the guys my thin friends were dating).

I've always had better "luck" with men than my thinner friends, and I think that's because I've never compromised my standards. I was picky, bold, and confident (well that's not entirely true - I wasn't confident so much as I was better at faking confidence when I needed to).

mainecyn 11-14-2013 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShelBl (Post 4882979)
I was fat when I met my husband, I was fat when he married me, and I'm still fat 7 years into the marriage.

If you're looking for men that will notice you based on your BMI, you're either looking at the wrong kind of men or not looking at other aspects of yourself closely enough.

To suggest that any of us have to reach a certain BMI before we're considered attractive is insulting. I've seen plenty of women on here that are beautiful, period. To suggest otherwise sells us, and yourself, short.


Me too. I was at my largest when my husband went from being a friend to telling me "I'm interested in you romantically and don't want to lose you". I was shocked and denied for a long time. I had acted just as myself because I sure didn't see me as attractive or anyone someone like him would be interested in as he was fit and I was FLAB at 242 lbs. It took me quite a lot of time to accept that he could be attracted to me and to even trust him, thinking I might be a "rebound". Turned out, no.

I was atleast 220 lbs when we married. I was the one that was upset about my size, he never ever was. I wanted to postpone our wedding until I felt happy with myself and secure. He didn't want to wait.

I have to say also that from my experience, even when I was at this heaviest weight, I had men make "advances" they were looking for sex, didn't care what size the woman was. They weren't looking for a relationship, but it didn't bother them what size I was. I remember one saying as a compliment I was a nice person, always smiling, and always "looked clean" and that the right man might tone me up.

I remember thinking well that man isn't you..quickly left. I've heard from lots of women that a great deal of men don't really care what you look like size wise to have sex with you, relationship wise, maybe. But, I wasn't going to get involved with anyone that made me feel bad about myself.

I didn't loose the weight to make my husband happy, he never ever asked me to drop weight, never made me feel bad or said little comments, and he was always physically all over me no matter what size I was. He also was very sensitive to my feelings, he knew I didn't like myself and he would pull the blanket up during intimate times cause he could feel me flinch.

I remember one time when we were first married he kissed me all over telling me he loved me, when he got ot my stomach I pulled my hands over myself, he gently pulled them away and said that he loved every single inch of me and he always just saw the beautiful woman he loved when he looked at me.

My husband taught me never to devalue myself, and not to "settle". I never thought I'd ever meet anyone that loved me so completely after having a 15 year marriage end. My X had told me I had unrealistic expectations. My husband has always treated me with respect, affection, and shows me daily he values me emotionally and physically. Don't settle for someone, or any relationship, that doesn't fulfill you or that makes you feel bad for yourself. Don't ever put up with being put down by any partner..I stayed in a bad marriage emotionally and physically for years.:hug:

I still got stares as a large woman that made me uncomfortable, but they generally seemed to be more at my chest than my face if you know what I mean. Men are men.

I did learn from my husband that it is the confidence that is the main thing. It wasn't that I was sexier thinner, it was that I was more confident and out going, felt better about myself as I got thinner, didn't hide myself and was more open as the pounds came off..that's what my husband loves.

fitmom 11-14-2013 03:36 PM

It's been my experience that men are attracted to a woman who exudes self-confidence. You can't really put a number on it.

earthecho 11-14-2013 05:13 PM

Google "most attractive BMI for women". Many studies have been done on it.

rocksplash 11-14-2013 05:19 PM

20.85 was the scientifically determined number. But that was for male students at a British university, so unless that's your demographic, take with a grain of salt.

JayZeeJay 11-14-2013 06:34 PM

I think your physical appearance may influence a man's opinion of you because of what it may suggest about you, apart from the simple issue of attractiveness. Whether the impression given is accurate or not, it may be a factor.

For example, my fiance is very lean and fit. I asked him once what attracted him to me and he said "you looked like you could keep up with me". He was partially joking, but the truth is that he loves to mountain bike and snowboard and he was hoping to find someone who would do those things with him. I have complete confidence that he would still love me if I gained substantial weight. But his initial reaction to me was that I looked like someone who was compatible with him. I am fine with that - it does not seem superficial or shallow, especially as I was thinking something similar (I've always wanted a boyfriend who would go on long runs with me). I think studies have shown that people look for someone who looks like them, above all other factors. My theory is that it reflects our search for a compatible mate.

My .02, FWIW.

kaplods 11-14-2013 08:57 PM

I've been obese all of my dating life and I met my husband at 375 lbs (from a personal ad I placed). Before that my romantic social life was sporadic, but seemed to ebb and flow with my confidence level.

When I was happy and confident, I dated, and when I was insecure and depressed, I didn't (and would reject anyone who did ask me out, because I found something wrong with them).


I watched a documentary several years ago on human sexuality and romance and the researchers found that in virtually all cultures where marriages aren't prearranged, it's actually the women who make the first move. Men generally only approached women who have already shown interest such as by smiling and making eye contact.

The researchers studied singles in night clubs in North America and Europe and not only found this same pattern, but found that when men DID approach a woman who hadn't initiated the interaction with smiling and eye contact, they were usually rejected. Regardless of the men's, attractiveness, women found those who made the "first move" creepy.

I didn't realize that all along, I had played the game without knowing it. I had made the first move with all of the guys I ended up dating or becoming friends with. The few times a guy did show interest "out of the blue," I too, found it creepy or at least socially awkward.

CherryQuinn 11-15-2013 10:11 AM

Men and women have always asked me out, fat or thin or inbetween. I don't think weight is a big deal in all locations for dating

Underwater 11-19-2013 01:52 PM

Random guys started openly flirting with me around 175ish. I'm 5'6 so that's a BMI of around 28 or so. I remember the first guy to ask me out was sitting next to me waiting for a haircut at Supercuts! LOL!

KelSlo74 12-07-2013 08:57 PM

I really really think it has less to do with bmi and more to do with confidence and what kind of vibe you give off..I have been flirted with 70 lbs ago and now.. when you feel good about yourself you shine in a way that's very attractive


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