[PatPat]

I am not "after weight loss" yet but I have been skinny before I gained the weight.

Men have asked me out/have been interested in me at every weight I was in my life. Last one was only a few weeks ago

maybe just because I am the geeky, funny same woman as big girl too. its mostly men that know me for a while that get interested in me though. or is it only me that only realized men that have been around for a while? I like men I know for a while too . Id not want one that sees me and says "oh shes hawt lets hit on her" instantly. never did....

[dancinginpaint]

Originally Posted by kaplods

If we're strictly talking the number of men who will approaching a woman out of the blue, with no flirtation, attention, or participation on the woman's part, then heck yeah! Weight is going to factor in alomg with every other trait associated with beauty (or unnatractiveness).

If your top priority is getting large numbers of men to flock to you, with little or no effort on your part, then it's important to be thin and eing thin and perfectly proportioned - tall, but not too tall, thin, but not too thin... You'll also want, large, perfectly matched boobs; a small waist; long legs; large, pale eyes; long, dark eyelashes; a straight, tiny nose; prominent cheekbones; flawlessly clear skin; stylish, shiny, hair with great body and a bit of curl without frizz (ideally blond with just a touch of red, but not too many freckles; full lips, perfectly alligned and sparkly white teeth; smooth, soft hands and nicely kept nails... and every other trait associated with beauty in our culture - a "perfect" package is going to attract more attention.

If you're a young, tall, thin, supermodel with breast implants and a designer wardrobe, you're going to get a lot more unsolicited, generic male attention than if you're less perfect, and the more physical imperfections you have, and the less you stand out in a positive way, the less unsolicited attention you'll get, but so what?

Very, few of us have perfect bodies, but people of all ages, shapes, sizes and levels of attractiveness (even many folks with severe physical, mental, and emotional handicaps and disfigurements) manage to pair up.

The more practical question is how much attention do you need, and are you willing to do some of the flirting, attention-seeking, asking out....

The more you're willing to put yourself "out there," the more potential romantic partners you'll meet.

There is no magic weight, height, BMI, hair length, hair style, hair color, skin color, bra size, manicure, makeup, outfit... that will draw men to you like honey.

There is also no physical or personality trait that will repel all men (there's a few that may repel most, but excess weight isn't anywhere on that list).


Even if you are practically perfect, physically and emotionally, waiting for guys to approach you and ask you out is a pretty inefficient system for finding the partner of your dreams.

Attracting and seeking out the right person is a lot more important than attracting as many as possible and hoping the right one is in there somewhere.

There are a lot of fish in the sea and the less generic the bait, the less generic the fish.

I hope that you are using the word "you" in a general sense, when it comes to attention seeking. (As I am not seeking the affections of anyone other than dh) No where did I say a large quantity of attention was my goal.

[kaplods]

Originally Posted by dancinginpaint

I hope that you are using the word "you" in a general sense, when it comes to attention seeking. (As I am not seeking the affections of anyone other than dh) No where did I say a large quantity of attention was my goal.

Yes, I did indeed mean the generic "you." I would have preferred to use the less ambiguous terms "one" or "any person" as I was taught in gradeschool (nearly 40 years ago, now), but in common usage that has become nearly obsolete - to the point that doing so tends to sound pompous and pretentious.

In more formal situations, I would have used the more precise terms.

[Desiderata]

Originally Posted by kaplods

Yes, I did indeed mean the generic "you." I would have preferred to use the less ambiguous terms "one" or "any person" as I was taught in gradeschool (nearly 40 years ago, now), but in common usage that has become nearly obsolete - to the point that doing so tends to sound pompous and pretentious.

In more formal situations, I would have used the more precise terms.

This is totally an off-topic on my part, but ITA - this drives me crazy, and I occasionally run into misunderstandings because of it. Last year I was told that using "you" as a generic meant I was in clinically in denial and distancing myself from a situation... but that person had just met me and didn't realize how frequently I construct sentences that way. This is maybe my top pet peeve with English -- the lack of a more neutral subject like "on" in French. (It translates to "one" and doesn't come off quite as stuffy in use as it does in English).

Anyway, it drives me nuts. Sorry for the thread hijack. The opportunity to rant about language deficiencies doesn't present itself often enough.

[dancinginpaint]

Originally Posted by kaplods

Yes, I did indeed mean the generic "you." I would have preferred to use the less ambiguous terms "one" or "any person" as I was taught in gradeschool (nearly 40 years ago, now), but in common usage that has become nearly obsolete - to the point that doing so tends to sound pompous and pretentious.

In more formal situations, I would have used the more precise terms.

Okay, whew. I was afraid that I had come across totally wrong in my original post. I don't view the use of "one" as pompous, but I can see being afraid it would come across that way.

[2salads]

This is such a sensitive topic for me. Some days I feel pretty confident in my thoughts and opinions on the issue and other days I flounder out at sea.

Funnily enough I did not become attracted to my husband until I knew that he was attracted to me. He was attractive, of course, but not what I would consider "my type" at the time. I kinda became obsessed with him when I realized that he was kinda obsessed with me. The signs were there all along but it was only after one incident that I went *headslap* "Duh!" I guess my point with that story is to say that sometimes we do not recognize when someone is interested in us because we are not taught to pick up on subtle signs or cues for what they really are. I do think that is true no matter what size you are at. I also think that we all have an expectation of the type of person should be attracted to us so we don't think that other people, that don't fit that preconceived notion, could be attracted to us.

That being said I do think that women battle a lot of unnecessary judgement. The first and foremost is the the thought that your significant other "deserves" a skinny wife or girl friend. That a "fat" or overweight woman is not what he "signed up for" which feeds into a tremendous amount of guilt and resentment. I am working on saying, and believing, that my body is a gift to my husband. Something I choose to give him out of love and commitment, not something he "deserves". I have even seen girls who have men interested in them in higher weights say that this is "not what their man deserves" and attempt to lose weight because they are "so thankful" that the man in question could "overlook" their weight. Ugh.

[ubergirl]

As a young woman, in high school and college and in my 20s, I believed very strongly that I was completely disqualified from dating because of my weight. I never got any interest from anyone and I never went out with anyone and my self-esteem was in the toilet.

I did not think I was "good enough" for guys, and because of this, I never really learned how to flirt and if guys were interested in me, I could never tell.

This was true even though I was a fairly normal weight-- BMI of 24-26. At one point in my early 20s, my BMI went down to about 22 and at that point, I did notice that a lot of guys started hitting on me-- and since their pick-up line was often something like "you've lost a lot of weight, you look really good..." I got the idea that this was the reason why.

When I met my DH, I was quite thin, and he was the only person I ever went out with, and after our marriage, I was never normal weight, so it was really super confusing for me when I started noticing that a lot of men were treating me VERY DIFFERENTLY when I lost 110 pounds about 4 years ago. It's not even necessarily that they were hitting on me, but they were just a lot more attentive in general. Whereas before, they hardly made eye contact, all of a sudden they were really friendly and paid attention. This was really confusing to me, because I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know if they were flirting or just being normally friendly. One guy, who was a colleague at work, was really friendly and nice all the time, in a way that seemed sort of flirty to me, although I couldn't really tell, but when I suddenly packed back on 70 lbs, I noticed that he started ignoring me.

Basically, I agree with what Kaplods said, up thread. I think if you BELIEVE that your weight makes me unattractive, then you will be extremely closed down and never show that you are interested or available, and you'll get no attention, and then mistakenly use that to confirm your false belief that it's the weight that is the problem.

On the other hand, in my own personal experience, as a married woman in my late 40s, early 50s, that it was incredibly noticeable how differently men in general treated me when I lost a lot of weight.

[thechemistmommy]

My weight made zero difference as far as male attention was concerned. My BMI in high school was 25 - 26 and I never got the time of day. I also hadn't figured out a hairstyle and all my clothes were far too baggy. I gained the freshman 15 and worked my way up to 29 - 30 and got more attention than ever before, around the time I started developing a style and becoming more confident.

I don't think it's quite fair to men to lump their tastes and preferences into one group and say that they prefer such and such. They are different, they are attracted to all sorts of different attributes. You'll find the ones who appreciate you

[IanG]

I will say that at 170lbs a lot more women (strangers) look at me with side glances. And rarely (as opposed to absolutely never at 281lbs) women (strangers) will strike up conversation with me. So at the margin, BMI does make a difference.

[chickadee32]

Originally Posted by IanG

I will say that at 170lbs a lot more women (strangers) look at me with side glances. And rarely (as opposed to absolutely never at 281lbs) women (strangers) will strike up conversation with me. So at the margin, BMI does make a difference.

Female here, but the same is true in my experience. I get a lot more glances (and too-long creepy looks) now than I did at a much higher weight - which I think has little to do with my confidence or the vibe I give off, since these are looks, not approaches or conversation.

I don't recall a particular point/BMI at which men approached me more. I don't think I'm really approached any more now than at my highest weight, which I figure is either because 1) I'm married and give off an unavailable vibe, or 2) I'm not an attractive woman regardless of my weight. Likely both are factors.

[Icontrolmyweight]

At my thinnest I was working out to prepare for a Playboy shoot, during that time I got a lot of sexual advances, but it wasn't until I was 240 pounds that I met my now fiance to be.

I did get asked out frequently, but those men assumed that I was an unintelligent, illmoralled toy who wasn't worth much more than the services they thought I would give them...and that's another thing, any man I passed on the street assumed that they were entitled to me at the snap of their fingers.

Men do not look at thin women thinking that they are excited to get to know someone who is insightful, or kind, or funny...all I was to men that I encountered was a lay or an accessory to hang on their arm and show off to their friends.

If there is one wonderful thing about being so large, it's that you can count on the people around you really, actually loving you for you, not for what they can get out of you. I always thought I had to be beautiful to be loved, but the greatest lesson I have ever learned is that I just have to be me...and that's all you have to be too

[jessicadb2]

Originally Posted by Alice In ONEderland

I, ah, well, guh!
No guys look at me! But I'm still fat. But yeah it sucks knowing that when that does finally happen, the next guy who comes along will only like me for the way I look after I've made progress. :S He never would have given me the chance before. That doesn't feel too good. I don't want a guy like that. Only way to insure that is to stay single forever!

SINGLE LADY FOREVAAH!!!! WHEEEE!

I don't know. I was looked at in the low 200's. Now at my current weight, I am not looked at at all It is kind of nice. Guys are generally jerks who can't be trusted anyway. I am married but ever since I was in middle school I have had issues with guys who only liked a girl if she had a perfect outward appearance generally. What happened to being attracted to someone for their personality or their mind? I am glad I am kind of average looking because I really do not just want to be a trophy wife. It seems like the prettier you are the less likely a man will want to get to know the real you.

[jessicadb2]

Originally Posted by Icontrolmyweight

At my thinnest I was working out to prepare for a Playboy shoot, during that time I got a lot of sexual advances, but it wasn't until I was 240 pounds that I met my now fiance to be.

I did get asked out frequently, but those men assumed that I was an unintelligent, illmoralled toy who wasn't worth much more than the services they thought I would give them...and that's another thing, any man I passed on the street assumed that they were entitled to me at the snap of their fingers.

Men do not look at thin women thinking that they are excited to get to know someone who is insightful, or kind, or funny...all I was to men that I encountered was a lay or an accessory to hang on their arm and show off to their friends.

If there is one wonderful thing about being so large, it's that you can count on the people around you really, actually loving you for you, not for what they can get out of you. I always thought I had to be beautiful to be loved, but the greatest lesson I have ever learned is that I just have to be me...and that's all you have to be too

I totally agree with you!

[jessicadb2]

Originally Posted by chickadee32

Female here, but the same is true in my experience. I get a lot more glances (and too-long creepy looks) now than I did at a much higher weight - which I think has little to do with my confidence or the vibe I give off, since these are looks, not approaches or conversation.

I don't recall a particular point/BMI at which men approached me more. I don't think I'm really approached any more now than at my highest weight, which I figure is either because 1) I'm married and give off an unavailable vibe, or 2) I'm not an attractive woman regardless of my weight. Likely both are factors.

Even at 170- 180 in my late teens and early 20's guys would never approach me, so I think the weight to be approached is either nonexistent or pretty thin or is based more on beauty or how you dress. I have never been that interested in fashion.

[jessicadb2]

Originally Posted by ubergirl

As a young woman, in high school and college and in my 20s, I believed very strongly that I was completely disqualified from dating because of my weight. I never got any interest from anyone and I never went out with anyone and my self-esteem was in the toilet.

I did not think I was "good enough" for guys, and because of this, I never really learned how to flirt and if guys were interested in me, I could never tell.

This was true even though I was a fairly normal weight-- BMI of 24-26. At one point in my early 20s, my BMI went down to about 22 and at that point, I did notice that a lot of guys started hitting on me-- and since their pick-up line was often something like "you've lost a lot of weight, you look really good..." I got the idea that this was the reason why.

When I met my DH, I was quite thin, and he was the only person I ever went out with, and after our marriage, I was never normal weight, so it was really super confusing for me when I started noticing that a lot of men were treating me VERY DIFFERENTLY when I lost 110 pounds about 4 years ago. It's not even necessarily that they were hitting on me, but they were just a lot more attentive in general. Whereas before, they hardly made eye contact, all of a sudden they were really friendly and paid attention. This was really confusing to me, because I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know if they were flirting or just being normally friendly. One guy, who was a colleague at work, was really friendly and nice all the time, in a way that seemed sort of flirty to me, although I couldn't really tell, but when I suddenly packed back on 70 lbs, I noticed that he started ignoring me.

Basically, I agree with what Kaplods said, up thread. I think if you BELIEVE that your weight makes me unattractive, then you will be extremely closed down and never show that you are interested or available, and you'll get no attention, and then mistakenly use that to confirm your false belief that it's the weight that is the problem.

On the other hand, in my own personal experience, as a married woman in my late 40s, early 50s, that it was incredibly noticeable how differently men in general treated me when I lost a lot of weight.

Personally I don't want to know how to flirt. It is pretty fake to me and undesirable. The one thing I think of though is that I wish I had been thinner when I got married because I think I could have married a higher caliber guy who had money and who I connected with. I don't think I was really ready to get married when I did. Guys don't seem to care what they do and think they can get away with anything if you are fat.