First time with a new guy post weightloss - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

mascara blue · 09-27-2013, 08:13 PM

hi all. I have started seeing a new guy who is lovely. its very very early days yet (2 dates) but he is lovely, no baggage and quite fit. the dates have been going well and at some point we might take things further. except I havent been with a guy since I lost my weight (only 3 kg till my healthy BMI and 5 kg to my goal weight). When i dress, I tend to cover all stretch marks and saggy bits quite well and because I am tall I look normal in clothes, but outside of clothes its a different stories. A couple of times I tried to date during the weight loss, id chicken out just before things got serious and called it off. I like this guy, i want to have a relationship but i am terrified TERRIFIED about the moment when i take my clothes off and so worried that he would be repulsed or think omg this isnt what I expected at all. To give you an idea, i have had years of yoyo dieting. My breasts are small and if I sit very straight they are sort of perky but otherwise they arent. I have lumpy bits and jiggly bits and dark skiing bits and stretch marks etc. they are better since I have been exercising (not breasts though) but he looks so good and i havent told him I have had weight issues. he knows I eat freakishly healthy because i do, but I always just say that i am health conscious. So then I also worry that he will have a totally different expectation, like the kind you would have when someone eats super well, exercises every day, etc. What if he expects me to have toned body?? I don't want to mess this up and I have been teased by men about my weight siince i was 17 and I dont trust him enough yet to tell him about my struggles with my body issues and food issues etc. I don't know yet if I ever trust anyone enough to do that. I guess what I am asking is, how would you handle this? how do you get past the fear of rejection or past projecting your own body image on someone else etc and form a connection with another person? I dont want to be alone forever, I have lost the weight, i want to have a normal life but i am so scared of being so vulnurable with another person.

belovedspirit · 09-27-2013, 11:30 PM

Oh hon, I'm not sure to be honest...I suspect I will be in your boat in the future. For now, I'd like to offer a hug.

I have a feeling others will be able to chime in with advice/stories soon.

Riddy · 09-29-2013, 08:40 PM

I'm in the same boat as you, except no imminent prospect.

My best guess is any man that is naked with a woman is just happy to be naked with a woman.

If you're really worried about freaking him out, maybe you could mention before it gets too hot & heavy that you've lost some weight and that you're self conscious about your stretch marks and loose skin, so will he please be kind to you about it. That's my plan, anyhow.

Good luck!

MaryEllen · 09-29-2013, 09:35 PM

I think if he is a guy worth keeping, and you're upfront about the journey you've been on, it won't be an issue. The worst he can say is no, right? Then you know he's not for you, and you move on before this becomes a really attached relationship.

MauiKai · 09-30-2013, 07:47 AM

I'm unsure, because it has been a loooooong time since I was in the dating pool...but you've had two dates and you're thinking of getting naked with a dude??? I must be an old fuddy duddy (does 32 qualify?) then at this point, but when I was dating I didn't have to think of such things until we'd been together for months and months...like a year!

Frankly, I wouldn't rush into anything like this, BUT if you do, it will be very telling of his quality. If he is bothered by something so mundane as stretch marks and some loose skin, well, what sort of man is he anyway? If he's the sort of individual who is worth keeping in your life, he isn't going to be judging you based on some superficial "flaws" rather than the content of YOU.

Something that bothers me about your post is that it almost seems like you think that he's "better" than you because he's "fit" or something. I think it's so important for people to realize/hear/know that physical features of any sort do not elevate someone to another level of anything! I HATE the phrase "He/She is out of your league!" That is SO not true. There is no such thing as out of anyone's league. So I hope you aren't feeling that way...if so, it's just not true.

guamvixen · 10-03-2013, 02:19 PM

Had to chime in, take it with a grain of salt, but here's my experience from when I was 250, and now I'm at 115...guys don't care. They don't. Plus, the lights are usually off at the beginning, so...they can't really see your flaws. During that moment, they only care about one thing, and one thing only. But I agree, tell him that you've lost a lot of weight, and I usually say "Things don't quite fall where I want them to" I've only been with 2 men since my weight loss, but neither of them cared. They were kind and gentle. I ended up marrying one of them, and divorcing him, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, it's ok to already think that you may want to get naked with someone after 2 dates. In all honesty, I determine if I'd sleep with someone after a 10 second meet and greet. We women can be just as sexual as men, if not more. We are beautiful, wonderful creatures, and with the right guy, will know and respect that. So don't worry. I will say this, my first time post weight loss, I kept my bra on. Those are my biggest flaw, but I just can't justify the cost of surgery to fix the girls. I call them my battle scars, to remind me how far I've come. HOpe that helps.

cleancowgirl · 10-03-2013, 04:03 PM

Enjoy it as it is right now. Get to know each other and be friends and if it progresses great. When it gets to that point discuss things with him. If he is the person you think he is he will not even care about stretch marks and wrinkles and will admire what you have done to make yourself a better healthier person.

rubidoux · 10-05-2013, 12:39 AM

I feel like we all tend to think that normal weighted women look like super models with their clothes off. Maybe not 5'11", but good skin and perky and all that. My guess, though, is that almost all of us are pretty "flawed," even those who've always been relatively slim.

When I was at my biggest I went through a little phase of looking at naked pics of fat women online. It actually helped me feel so much better about myself. We only see a certain kind of woman naked, yk? So, I had this feeling like I was uniquely disfigured bc of my size/shape. But, after seeing other women's bodies, I think I was pretty normal. So, I just googled "real naked women" and it brings up some interesting things. There're some really nice pics at thenuproject.com. Truthfully, I find them a little bit intimidating, but less so than what I assume other women look like. Maybe it would help if you realized what was out there?

Quote:

Originally Posted by MauiKai

Something that bothers me about your post is that it almost seems like you think that he's "better" than you because he's "fit" or something. I think it's so important for people to realize/hear/know that physical features of any sort do not elevate someone to another level of anything! I HATE the phrase "He/She is out of your league!" That is SO not true. There is no such thing as out of anyone's league. So I hope you aren't feeling that way...if so, it's just not true.

I think you are crazy about two dates being too early to think about it! Good grief! lol But I am completely with you about the quoted part. There's a popular song out now that uses that phrase "you're out of my league" and I hate it when it comes on and my 10 year old hears it. I don't want him to internalize that message. I find it really revolting.

Quote:

Originally Posted by guamvixen

I will say this, my first time post weight loss, I kept my bra on. Those are my biggest flaw, but I just can't justify the cost of surgery to fix the girls. I call them my battle scars, to remind me how far I've come. HOpe that helps.

Someone I know lost a fair amount of weight when she was quite young and I remember her saying that she NEVER takes her bra off anymore and I was so bummed for her. Now I actually find it comforting to think of that bc, eh, it is what it is. There're a lot of us out there who used to have perkier breasts. That's not the end all be all.

MauiKai · 10-05-2013, 06:41 AM

Quote:

I think you are crazy about two dates being too early to think about it! Good grief! lol But I am completely with you about the quoted part. There's a popular song out now that uses that phrase "you're out of my league" and I hate it when it comes on and my 10 year old hears it. I don't want him to internalize that message. I find it really revolting.

Different values I guess. What's crazy for you isn't for me and vice versa

I don't know the song, but I can understand your discomfort with it. There are so many songs on the radio these days that I cringe when I hear them and think "this is what kids are hearing on a daily basis." Not that we know it at the time, but these things do influence us subconsciously just as the media can color our views without us directly realizing it.

Ash15+ · 10-09-2013, 11:47 AM

I really think that if he is as great as he sounds, he won't care. Not to get into too much detail but I have had Crohn's disease for about 9 years and my bum has sustained well... some visible damage. When my (now) fiance and I got together about 3 years ago I was pretty freaked about him seeing me. But after a while I brought it up to him and he said that he had noticed but assumed it was from my disease, gave me a little pet on the head and said "babe, it's really not a big deal" I love that man.

Ash15+ · 10-09-2013, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Riddy

My best guess is any man that is naked with a woman is just happy to be naked with a woman.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

mainecyn · 10-09-2013, 03:56 PM

I was at my heaviest when my husband and I fist started dating. I was a divorced over weigh mom to two. I weighed 242 lbs, had scars from surgeries etc. I was extremely insecure about showing him my body but the first time I have to say its just like what everyone said, he didn't care. I was the one that had the issue with my size and my body, not my husband. I remember him kissing me all over, touching me, and being embarrassed and self conscious and him telling me, "you are beautiful, more than I could even have imagined" I lost 100 lbs the first year and half we were together, then I was nervous about how I looked with excess skin etc.

My husband has told me when I asked if he is more attracted to the skinnier me now, than the fat me then , In all honesty Cynthia it wan't how you looked or did'nt look then that effected me being attracted to you it was your confidence and openness. The more confident you were with yourself the sexier you were...he says CONFIDENCE in the bedroom is what makes a woman sexy. My husband told me he isn't more attracted to me now skinner, I am just now more relaxed in my own skin and believe I am prettier and sexier.

And all those stretch marks, excess skin that I try to hide, he doesn't notice at all. Brian, my husband said, it is a part of me and a part of my history. He told me that he has never known anyone strong enough to drop that amount of weight and he is proud of me. But, I admit I still am so self conscious, not as much but I still am.