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Body Image and Issues after Weight Loss Including discussions about excess skin and reconstructive surgery

So I got called shallow on another forum? What does anyone here think?

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Old 06-25-2013, 08:56 PM   #1
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Default So I got called shallow on another forum? What does anyone here think?

So I've been overweight my whole friggin life. I honestly do not know what it is to be anything other than the "fat girl". At first I was young and thought that was just my fate, then I was confused because people would always talk about exercise and I exercised A LOT (I really did, I had a fit best friend) and that made me feel stuck even more. Then I finally connected my diet as the major player when I was so shocked at hitting over 300 lbs after one depressed year. I went on a crash diet and it was the first time I ever lost weight and after educating myself more I realized what I needed to do.

I had two crossroads: accept myself as I was or marry myself to losing the weight. I chose the latter and I won't even lie. It took FOREVER, I reached a good weight before I really knew it and I went to some extremes to get there.

Now I have this sort of fed up depression. I cannot lose anymore weight. My doctors, all the surgeons I had consult with have strongly urged my to stop losing because my weight is fine and I'm actually "really small". The problem is, I don't look small. I have TONS of skin and I hate it. I'm frustrated because I put in all this work and now I have many more months for surgery if I am able to afford it (I had to find different options, will likely be going with residency, but it takes time to get consult and book surgery).

What really bothers me is that I put my whole life on hold because of being overweight. I just couldn't be comfortable with myself enough after all the bullying and crappy friends I had. I left school because I couldn't deal with it and since then I've been living in the future and everything kept passing by. I wanted prom, I wanted to move away to university, to join a sorority to do all these things young people do and never did because of the weight.

Now I just want to be able to dress the way I want, go out, and go on dates. I want to date a guy I like who likes me back (really likes me back, not settling for me because they have a cluster of their own issues) and I can't do that. Do I think that there are guys out there that I would like who can accept me like this? Of course. Am I emotionally stable enough to start doing that? **** no. I HATE that look of disappointment a guy gives when you meet him from an online site. I HATE having been out with other females and having guys talk to me just because they don't want to seem like a jerk in front of the chicks I'm with. I HATE being with someone knowing that they wish they could do better. And most of all I HATE being with a guy who actually kind of likes me but not being able to be comfortable with him because I HATE the way I look.

Maybe if it were only a little bit of skin, or just in one area. But it's EVERYWHERE. No part of my body is alright. Thighs, gut, back, arms and worst of all breasts. I feel so screwed and like I'm old and all the fun times are over now. I just really want to find someone to love me and feel that for just one friggin time in my whole life, but it's always delayed and delayed and delayed. To make matters worse I'm always having people tell me it's not that bad or I don't look that big. I'm not big at all, you just can't see that! And you also can't see me naked! I have no idea how this makes me shallow or how this comes off as spiteful vitriol at all. I just happen to think that most 26 year old guys don't want to date a girl with a big drooping gut, grandma boobs and wings for arms. It's not like someone sees the inner awesome of me when they meet me.

/rant
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Old 06-25-2013, 09:26 PM   #2
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I'd say that anyone that calls you shallow is pretty shallow themselves. Your ticker says you have lost 143 pounds, that is amazing, congratulations. With a 143 pound loss I would expect you to have loose skin. I haven't lost that much and I have more than enough loose skin. I am not going to have surgery because of other health issues, but if it is an option for you, go for it ! There are posters on 3fc that have had surgery to lose loose skin and they all seem to be very happy that they did it.
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Old 06-25-2013, 09:33 PM   #3
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I donīt think you are shallow at all, actually I can relate to you, I also feel like I am waiting for something better and that i have been waiting way too much time.
I really hope you get the surgery soon.. and never ever believe you are shallow cause you are not!
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Old 06-25-2013, 09:41 PM   #4
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I wouldn't spend a lot of time worrying what others might think. Why not try to tackle one issue at a time? Otherwise it can be too overwhelming. Being in your twenties is AWESOME! Slow down and consider your options. If you don't like the way some of your body parts look, go to a professional, find out how much and expend your energy saving and making it happen. You will get there if you want to.
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Old 06-25-2013, 09:45 PM   #5
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That's not shallow...that's the frigging mind games that losing all that weight plays w/ you. I swear to God, sometimes I look in the mirror and I still see the me that was 346 pounds. I know how much progress I've made...I know I've busted my butt to do it...but it's still not good enough for me and I still hate my huge stomach and flabby arms. I pick up an XL shirt and can't comprehend that it would actually fit me...in my head I'm still a 4X.
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Old 06-25-2013, 09:45 PM   #6
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Well first- loose skin (which is what you appear to be describing) will not be solved by losing more weight. So I'd have to agree that if you are at a healthy BMI, then stop trying to lose weight. Your skin will shrink some but if you were quite heavy then you may have to have surgery to get the loose skin taken care of. Bear in mind that a lot of times our brains retain this image of ourselves that isn't actually true to what we really look like. If you're used to seeing a fat you in the mirror, you may continue to see that even after you are thin. I'm the opposite- I was thin for years and in the mirror I still see a thin me, even though I'm actually quite heavy. The one place I see myself true to life is in photos. Maybe take some photos of yourself, cover up your face, and just look at your body in an objective fashion.

Second- I wouldn't say you're shallow but I would say you seem to have a lot of issues.How can you have an intimate relationship with someone else when you have these self-loathing issues? You need to be comfortable in your own skin before you'll ever have a truly solid intimate relationship. The good news it that this nearly always happens in time, usually in your 30's. It sounds like you are in your early 20's. I'd just suggest you enjoy them, because they are a lot of fun. Don't take yourself so seriously. Go ahead and have relationships, but understand that a lot of them may turn out to be learning experiences. So what? Have fun. Make sure you do non-relationship things- ESPECIALLY when you are in a relationship. Don't let some guy become your whole life. Continue to hang out with your friends and cultivate your interests and hobbies.
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Old 06-25-2013, 10:11 PM   #7
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Default re:

You're not shallow. It's very natural to think there's "still more left to do" after reaching a reasonable weight. We've been overweight for so long that it takes a long time, if ever, that we can see our bodies for what they are now as opposed to what they were.

As for the loose skin, I have it and feel probably just as every bit self conscious about it as you. I tell you what though. I've seen many pictures on here of people who stated they felt awful about their skin and I always remember thinking that they don't look bad at all! We're so extremely hard on ourselves.

Surgery can help in that respect, if you have means to afford it. The right clothing and the right bra can also make a world of difference in how you look. Trust me, if you get to the point where you're naked with someone else, the last thing on their mind is going to be how you look.

DON'T delay your life because of how you feel about your appearance, overweight or not. I spent 42 years overweight and met everyone I know today, including my husband, while I was overweight.
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Old 06-25-2013, 10:14 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bargoo View Post
I'd say that anyone that calls you shallow is pretty shallow themselves. Your ticker says you have lost 143 pounds, that is amazing, congratulations. With a 143 pound loss I would expect you to have loose skin. I haven't lost that much and I have more than enough loose skin. I am not going to have surgery because of other health issues, but if it is an option for you, go for it ! There are posters on 3fc that have had surgery to lose loose skin and they all seem to be very happy that they did it.
I definitely am trying to. The doctor I wanted gave me an estimate of 13k for JUST a tummy tuck and I thought that was insane (was hoping for around 10-12k for everything). I found out that Yale residency does it at a discount so I'm hoping their fee looks better. I tried to find all the info I could and it looks more like 5-6k for a tummy tuck.

And thank you.
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Old 06-25-2013, 10:15 PM   #9
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Shallow is not the word I would use. But I will give you my frank opinion - you have been warned.

I lost over 220 pounds. So I know what loose skin looks like. And I realize how discouraging it is. And I realize how LUCKY I am that I was able to have surgery.

That being said, there are people out there with HORRIFIC disfigurements that they can't hide under clothes. They would KILL to have your problem.

Your problem is in your head and I would HIGHLY recommend therapy before any surgery. It seems to me that if you had surgery now, you would still find a way to hate yourself.

Jen
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Old 06-25-2013, 10:16 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by FiftyFive View Post
I donīt think you are shallow at all, actually I can relate to you, I also feel like I am waiting for something better and that i have been waiting way too much time.
I really hope you get the surgery soon..
Thank you. I was called shallow because way fatter girls than I ever was have guys and I probably just don't find them hot enough? I thought that was so insane, I mean yeah I'd like to be with someone I'm attracted to. Isn't that normal? Do I expect him to be a chiseled male god? Uh no.
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Old 06-25-2013, 10:20 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by CherryPie99 View Post
Shallow is not the word I would use. But I will give you my frank opinion - you have been warned.

I lost over 220 pounds. So I know what loose skin looks like. And I realize how discouraging it is. And I realize how LUCKY I am that I was able to have surgery.

That being said, there are people out there with HORRIFIC disfigurements that they can't hide under clothes. They would KILL to have your problem.

Your problem is in your head and I would HIGHLY recommend therapy before any surgery. It seems to me that if you had surgery now, you would still find a way to hate yourself.

Jen
There's always going to be someone worse off. I don't think that means my problems are suddenly invalid. I've had extensive therapy. What do I need therapy for? I don't have an irrational hate for nor thoughts about my body? I think it's pretty reasonable to be uncomfortable with my body and hate that I have to look this way. I honestly can't see what else would be a massive problem after surgery.

Also, you don't "know" what loose skin looks like. You know what your body looks like and you have no way of knowing how good or bad my body is.
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Old 06-25-2013, 10:21 PM   #12
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I totally understand wanting to have loose skin removed. I also have a dropping stomach after being overweight and having two kids. I would have my skin removed if I was closer to my goal weight. Also I heard that some Insurance companies cover the surgery, but you would have to check with your insurance to confirm.
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Old 06-25-2013, 10:24 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Natasha1534 View Post
That's not shallow...that's the frigging mind games that losing all that weight plays w/ you. I swear to God, sometimes I look in the mirror and I still see the me that was 346 pounds. I know how much progress I've made...I know I've busted my butt to do it...but it's still not good enough for me and I still hate my huge stomach and flabby arms. I pick up an XL shirt and can't comprehend that it would actually fit me...in my head I'm still a 4X.
Honestly being told that I was actually really small is mind boggling. Seeing that I wear clothes labeled small just makes me feel like it
s all vanity sizing. But I really think it's the skin. There's like a good 30 pounds of skin. I can literally turn my body a certain way and morph my shape. It's just so gross to me and I can see my "real" self and it ticks me off that no amount of work will get me there. I have to wait for someone else to fix me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mommy2k9 View Post
I totally understand wanting to have loose skin removed. I also have a dropping stomach after being overweight and having two kids. I would have my skin removed if I was closer to my goal weight. Also I heard that some Insurance companies cover the surgery, but you would have to check with your insurance to confirm.
Not mine, it's considered cosmetic. I think I MAY be able to convince them but it would take a whole lot of trickery I'm not in the mood for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EagleRiverDee View Post
Well first- loose skin (which is what you appear to be describing) will not be solved by losing more weight. So I'd have to agree that if you are at a healthy BMI, then stop trying to lose weight. Your skin will shrink some but if you were quite heavy then you may have to have surgery to get the loose skin taken care of. Bear in mind that a lot of times our brains retain this image of ourselves that isn't actually true to what we really look like. If you're used to seeing a fat you in the mirror, you may continue to see that even after you are thin. I'm the opposite- I was thin for years and in the mirror I still see a thin me, even though I'm actually quite heavy. The one place I see myself true to life is in photos. Maybe take some photos of yourself, cover up your face, and just look at your body in an objective fashion.

Second- I wouldn't say you're shallow but I would say you seem to have a lot of issues.How can you have an intimate relationship with someone else when you have these self-loathing issues? You need to be comfortable in your own skin before you'll ever have a truly solid intimate relationship. The good news it that this nearly always happens in time, usually in your 30's. It sounds like you are in your early 20's. I'd just suggest you enjoy them, because they are a lot of fun. Don't take yourself so seriously. Go ahead and have relationships, but understand that a lot of them may turn out to be learning experiences. So what? Have fun. Make sure you do non-relationship things- ESPECIALLY when you are in a relationship. Don't let some guy become your whole life. Continue to hang out with your friends and cultivate your interests and hobbies.
Well, in my mind I won't have self loathing issues when my body looks right. I can't be comfortable in my skin when I know I look ghastly naked and guys don't want to see that. I'm also 26, just turned so not quite. That's a whole other section of life that flew right passed me. But I agree with you, I can't have a solid intimate relationship hating my body, but I can't stop hating my body until I have surgery. Sure I can emotionally say i'll love myself and all that but it'd be crap. I don't dislike anything about myself except this extra skin I don't want. I think I'm a pretty great person. I think I've come really far in life. I think I'm interesting and unique. But I also think I'm disgusting without my clothes on and that I will not be able to find love looking like this. Sure I can find a guy, but I don't want any old guy I want a good one. I don't want to date a guy who had a plethora of problems of his own and has to settle for me because I'm the best he can do. I've done it before and it sucks. I really can't envision finding a guy who who is nice who doesn't have a ton of baggage or issues wanting to date a girl who looks like a 90 year old when naked no matter how cool she is. He'd have to know where I was coming from first. You know? Sorry for rambling.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vex View Post
You're not shallow. It's very natural to think there's "still more left to do" after reaching a reasonable weight. We've been overweight for so long that it takes a long time, if ever, that we can see our bodies for what they are now as opposed to what they were.

As for the loose skin, I have it and feel probably just as every bit self conscious about it as you. I tell you what though. I've seen many pictures on here of people who stated they felt awful about their skin and I always remember thinking that they don't look bad at all! We're so extremely hard on ourselves.

Surgery can help in that respect, if you have means to afford it. The right clothing and the right bra can also make a world of difference in how you look. Trust me, if you get to the point where you're naked with someone else, the last thing on their mind is going to be how you look.

DON'T delay your life because of how you feel about your appearance, overweight or not. I spent 42 years overweight and met everyone I know today, including my husband, while I was overweight.
I don't know if the link will go through but this is what I look like (this is not me though)

http://californiasurgicalinstitutebl...ody-Lift-2.jpg

I am not as big as she because I have absolutely no extra fat left. I'm more the size of the after picture, with the folds of the before picture and with worse breasts. I think a lot of people go off the notion that I'm exaggerating or have distorted vision. I really don't feel that way. My aunt used to say that to me until she went to consultation with me and saw how bad my skin is. She kept going on and on about my breasts and I didn't even care. They're horrendous. I was happy that someone aside from my mother was team me finally.

I keep getting these messages from everywhere about living for today and I just can't. Not like this. The absolute ONLY thing I want in life is love. I used to want a loving small group of friends and a boyfriend with a bunch of other stuff but I gave all of that up because it just kept failing. I only want to find love now. And I can't imagine my soulmate sitting across from me, happy to be in my presence with me looking the way I do. This skin makes me invisible to that person.
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Old 06-28-2013, 02:59 PM   #14
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after reading your story i feel like you described my life. the delaying of everything and life passing by....i don't wan't to live like that and wake up one day old and alone still waiting to reach my perfect weight.
we need to work on our body acceptance and i understand your situation with excess skin and i really hope it works out for you but don't put your life on hold just because of that. there are people without arms and legs who live normally and they still find someone to love them.
your "married with weight loss" statement really hit me in the face. it's exactly how i feel right now.
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Old 07-15-2013, 01:54 AM   #15
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Second- I wouldn't say you're shallow but I would say you seem to have a lot of issues.How can you have an intimate relationship with someone else when you have these self-loathing issues? You need to be comfortable in your own skin before you'll ever have a truly solid intimate relationship. The good news it that this nearly always happens in time, usually in your 30's. It sounds like you are in your early 20's. I'd just suggest you enjoy them, because they are a lot of fun. Don't take yourself so seriously. Go ahead and have relationships, but understand that a lot of them may turn out to be learning experiences. So what? Have fun. Make sure you do non-relationship things- ESPECIALLY when you are in a relationship. Don't let some guy become your whole life. Continue to hang out with your friends and cultivate your interests and hobbies.
This! This this this! I completely hear you on the overwhelming desire to find that one guy who's going to make you the happiest person in your life. But believe me, I've been there. I'm 25 years old and I just got married to a man I would never allow myself to love two years ago. I went searching for him back when I was so so young, and I made more mistakes than I could imagine. I wish someone had told me back then that I need to learn to love myself first, but they didn't. I was depressed and my self-esteem was rock bottom. I ended up falling in love with a guy who abused me emotionally and mentally for four years, and I didn't even realize it until I met the man who is now my husband. When we started dating, he loved me and called me beautiful every day and still does. He kept me smiling when I wanted to throw up everything I had eaten that day and starve myself, when I wanted to just keep abusing myself because I didn't think I was worth it.

I still have those days, but they're few and far between, and the distance between each one continues to grow. I couldn't have done anything without the realization that I am worth it. And so are you. You are worth the love you give yourself, and that's the most important love in the world. The more you love yourself, and the more positivity you focus towards yourself, the more other people will see. Don't give up on you.
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