"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt
This is one of my favourite quotes and it so applies here.
Trust me, this has nothing to do with you. The fact that he isn't fit also says something else. This guy is just a hypocrite who has unrealistic expectations about women due to spending an excess of time watching porn. He will never be happy with any woman and no woman will be happy with him.
Don't let him demean yourself and your efforts that easily. He is irrelevant to your life.
This is what I am thinking: When you're visiting someone's home at dinner, and you are given a taste of a special dish that they have taken a great deal of effort to make, and they are watching you for your reaction, if you dislike it, you do not spit it out ostentatiously in front of the whole table and say, "That was revolting."
You can think it, but you can't say it.
And this isn't merely a dish, this is a person. A human being who invited another to partake of her body, in effect. A human being with hopes and dreams and thoughts and feelings.
That is why this guy is scum.
Making this comment publicly is a power play and an ego trip on his part. He's trying to sound like a worldly connoisseur of women's bodies. He feels just as empowered as a judge at the Westminster Kennel Club. In this point of view, women are not really people, they are objects whose confirmation and physical qualities are supposed to be assessed against some standard for the breed. (A standard created by porn stars, apparently.) A really insecure guy will do that -- to cope with the situation, he will attempt to remove all the brains & humanity from a woman and talk about her like an anatomy chart.
You don't want a person that insecure and that capable of cruelty in your life. They're dangerous. They're often repeat offenders.
Dismiss his opinions out of hand. They're coming from an unpleasant, dark place.
And you're in a place of light. You made a tremendous effort and reworked your body and probably a good part of your life, too. You do not need to have people like that guy around you.
Look for guys who come from that same positive, empowered place as you do. Who can give you back laughter and energy and hope for a good future. Because that is what you deserve.
The only thing I worry about here is that you may be accepting substandard guys when you deserve so much better. If you get a bad feeling about a guy, you are probably right and you should trust your intuition before taking it any further.
I also think that he should not be 'excused' for posting such a remark, using the word 'revolting'. He is an tool and he'll live a tool's lousy life, yay!
ChangingSkies, YOU have your head together and you are awesome.
I agree it's not someone's fault if they aren't attracted to someone. They are a jerk though if they make you feel like crap if they aren't attracted to you.
If he's not attracted to you, fine. If the loose skin makes him uncomfortable, ok. Telling other guys to watch out for the newly-slim girls because once their clothes are off they look revolting? Tool.
There are ways and means of articulating a personal experience/preference but describing anything about anyone as 'revolting', particularly when that person has worked really hard to get where they are, is just plain mean.
Firstly, go punch him in the nose, you'll feel better. (joking)
There are PLENTY of men out there who will love you exactly like you are.
He is CLEARLY not worth any woman's time. Only a complete jerk would say something like that. I just read this to my boyfriend and he said, and I quote, "What a piece of $hit." This just proves that there are good guys left in the world. Don't even waste your time thinking about it, he's not worth ANY spent energy.
Last edited by tessendicott; 02-15-2012 at 10:36 PM.
I'm going with the general concensus here: He's a tool. And unfortunately, there are plenty of them to go around. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you're not alone. I once had an ex text my friend, telling her we broke up because I didn't take care of myself, and the sex was "bland and boring". My self esteem took a huge hit, but you know what, I eventually realised that he was a miserable person (who's life was going downhill), and his personality flaws had nothing to do with me. You have lost over 150 lbs!! That's an incredible achievement, and there are some people who are going to search for any reason to take you down a notch. His pathetic insults just show how much more successful you are than him.
Another thing is, usually when people say things like that they have extreme self confidence problems and take other people down a notch to make themselves feel better.
Oh I can so relate to that story! I used to date a guy who ate only the amount of food that would compensate for the exercise he had done at the gym --which is a form of OCD, then I learned--, and who would pinch me where I had excess fat for me to notice I needed to lose weight. Passive aggressive, then I learned. He even introduced me to a woman he used to be in love with and later commented on how hot and thin she was. Funny thing is he was the worst lover on earth ever, but I never let him know that, but (read this) FAKED in bed for two years for him to be happy. After two years, I was ready to let go of him, but never forgot how ugly he made me feel.
He DID have a tiny weeny thingy, btw, and now I think: why didn't I ever tell him he was abnormally underdeveloped, and pinched him there???
Let's forget these guys... we deserve better!
I don't have anything new to add, I just wanted to chime in and say WAY TO GO on your incredible weight loss, ChangingSkies, and I'm so glad that unhappy, insecure, cruel man is out of your life. SO glad. I understand the hurt all too well, but please don't dwell on his comments; they reflect poorly on HIM, not you.
And saef's post is awesome, as usual.
Last edited by chickadee32; 02-17-2012 at 01:00 AM.
I bet HE had poor self esteem and felt inferior. People who feel good about themselves don't feel the need to bring other people down. I watched this Dan Savage talk (sex/relationship expert) last night and he was staying the reason some men act this way is because they're dumb and immature and care to much what they're friends think. I real man would be honord to be with an amazing women like you.
I myself dated a man who had lost 150 lbs and had a lot of lose skin..I thought he was hot and I respected that he had turned his life around, it was never something that phased me.
As has already been said and you already know, attraction is subjective. But I agree with you that if he really weren't into you, he shouldn't have had sex with you so many times and he shouldn't be using such hateful language.
Having said that, at 205 pounds he'd have to be hitting on 6'5" for that to be considered healthy. Before mouthing off about the appearance of others, maybe he should consider making himself more attractive because not everyone finds an overweight/obese man sexy. Maybe one day someone will call him revolting to his face and he'll think twice before mouthing off next time.
That's just...awful. I have some loose skin from two pregnancies on a small area below my belly button that you can't see unless I'm bending over and if my hubby said something negative about it, I would be devastated. There are other men who actually have manners and would never say something so terrible. Just my two cents.
See, this one is a tough one. Does it make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive? No.... we can't control what we find attractive or not. And because he seemed (at first) to want to make it work, he didn't want it to be an issue either.
Even in the post where he said, "Hold off on calling them hot until you get their clothes off. I dated a girl that lost 150 lbs in a year and a half and she looked awesome in clothes but when they came off she had loose skin EVERYWHERE! She was really self-conscious about it. And with good reason. It was pretty revolting." He wasn't trying to be mean. It's how he felt. Now, would it hurt like **** to hear that or see that? YES!!!! of course. I would be devastated to read that! And yes, it would make it very hard to mentally cope with that.
I don't mean any disrespect to you, but I actually disagree with this. To me, it seems like he was trying to be mean. He may have even realized that she would see the message, see that he was the one who posted it, and purposely tried to hurt her with it (since he was the one who showed her the website anyhow). Or maybe he was just trying to make himself feel better. Who knows why people are so hurtful to others.
No, it doesn't make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive.
Making her feel self-conscious about herself in the first place and then publicly commenting (in a place he knew she might see it, no less) on the very thing HE KNEW made her self-conscious...that makes him a jerk. Saying that she had "good reason" to be self-conscious makes him a jerk. Using the word "revolting" to describe another person's looks, that makes him a jerk (and clearly he wasn't that "revolted" if he could still get it up and do the deed). The only people who deserve to be called revolting are murders/rapists/pedophiles/etc. That is not just simply stating how he feels; that is trying to belittle her in the process of stating how he feels.
I also don't see where he wanted to make things work in the beginning. Maybe before the clothes came off he was nice to her, but I bet he begged her not to leave just because he didn't have anyone else to be with. She could have moved on and met someone else, or at the very least not been made to feel like she had something to be ashamed of. And to break up with her a month or so later and use the same reason as she did to begin with...yeah, that makes him a jerk too.
He definitely has some body issues, either with himself or with his perception of women in general...or both. He thought she looked awesome with her clothes on, but "revolting" with them off (which I am sure she is not). He tensed up when he saw her naked, then closed his eyes and barely touched her when they had sex. He has a weird obsession with "perfect" looking porn stars/celebrities. These things indicate just how shallow this guy really is, and/or just how out of touch with reality he is. I don't understand why he thinks he deserves to be with such a flawless woman (or why he even thinks one exists, someone needs to tell him those women are photo-shopped).
It seems to me like you dodged a bullet by being rid of this guy, ChangingSkies. I think you are amazing for achieving what you have done! Just remember how far you have come, all the things can do and are doing now that you couldn't before, and how much you wanted to be exactly where you are 150 lbs. ago. It is funny (and sad) how we can hear so many positive comments and feedback (i.e. the hot guys who were impressed by what you have done), but what really sticks with us is the one negative comment (by someone you know isn't worth the time of day). I do this too. They are so hard to get over, but I know you will. By this time next year, I'll bet you won't even believe you wasted your energy on worrying over his stupid comments. I wish I could make it so that you wouldn't worry about it by this time tomorrow, but unfortunately I can't. Try not to let it keep you down for too long. You have a wonderful life to live...don't let him hold you back from it!
I have some loose skin from two pregnancies on a small area below my belly button that you can't see unless I'm bending over and if my hubby said something negative about it, I would be devastated. There are other men who actually have manners and would never say something so terrible. Just my two cents.
