I don't blame you for being happy about the new fat him, we all deserve a little petty meanness outlet once in a while about the people who have hurt us, it's only human. I kind of feel a little sorry for the new girl though, he is her problem now!
Starts and stops of being on plan since January 2011. Back on plan May 2011.
April 2012, no progess unless you count gaining and losing the same 20 or so pounds, trying again!
“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
- Marilyn Vos Savant
Has anyone here ever had to deal with such a mean comment? How do you bounce back from something like this?
I have 2 answers for you, the more evolved and the less evolved.
Less evolved: What a jackass. Hello?? Poor idiotic porn-obsessed loser. Obviously you're better off without him and his shallow, sad fanny is in for a sad, lonely life.
More evolved: How unfortunate. You're so much better off without him and you know it. We should pray for/bless/send positive and healing thoughts to him.
Today I'm going for #1, the less evolved response. Seriously girl, what a jackass. And, he's totally wrong. You do know that right? Anyone who prefers porn to a person, and who could give up someone as warm and wonderful as you (don't believe me? It comes right through your posting) is simply stupid.
My thought? Don't waste another thought on him. He doesn't deserve any of your time or mental energy. Just wish him well and move on. There are a lot bigger and better things out there for you and you know it.
Ok, I will admit I skipped ahead after a couple pages of responses and I do intend to go back and read them all BUT I wanted to share my experience with this as I actually did have this experience and felt much the same way you did. It did a real number on my head and it took a long time to get past it.
I was dating a guy who was 14 years MY SENIOR so was in his 50's at the time (pushing 60 now LOL!) He wasn't overweight but he wasn't skinny and he was rather flabby himself in the face and neck and he had the body of someone who looked to be in their 50's. Nothing bad, nothing revolting and certainly nothing that bothered ME. He also, like your ex, had a thing about porn and exotic dancers etc.
Well, I had weightloss surgery 12 years ago and yes, I have loose skin. A LOT of loose skin. I've actually regained some weight which I am now fighting back off so if anything I was smaller, looked better in clothes and admittedly had more loose skin then.
This asshat was a journaling type of person and wasn't careful at all where he left it. Admittedly I shouldn't have looked into the journal but I got up super early one morning and it was just laying there. Curiosity got the better of me and I picked it up. BIG MISTAKE!!
Almost by fate the book fell open to a page he had written about me and in it he talked about how I had lost a lot of weight and how beautiful I was WITH CLOTHES ON but how he found it very hard to look beyond the baggy, saggy, wrinkly (and every other adjective he could think of) skin as the result of the weightloss. I was crushed.
He begged for forgiveness after chiding me for reading his private thoughts and LIKE AN IDIOT I gave him a second chance but I never forgot the remarks and after dealing with his other "issues" for a while I left.
Fast forward a bit. I was RUINED for a while after that when it came to being intimate with a man and lost several relationships due to my new found hang-ups. THEN I met an awesome guy who made me feel beautiful. He knew the other guy and when I told him what had happened he told me the guy was an idiot.
Things didn't work out with him but we are still friends. I met my now-husband during this time. Actually I didn't meet him, I already knew him and was friends with him but love happened LOL. This man is very good looking and loves me FOR ME and thinks I am beautiful exactly how I am (even with some regain - he doesn't care other than for my health). HE is the one who restored my faith in the opposite sex and in myself. We've been together 6 years and married for 5.
The only thing I can say about the jerk who did that to you is a) it's HIS issue and not yours, b) looks like what goes around comes around since he has packed on the weight and c) sometimes you have to deal with the frogs so you will recognize when you are in the presence of a PRINCE!!
My own experience (in a nutshell) - when I split up with my ex he made a lot of rude remarks about my weight. A bit of a cheek considering he was rather overweight himself. Fast forward 1yr+ and I've found a guy who unlike the ex is seriously fit, but loves me just as I am (saggy skin and all) and frequently tells me so. The ex? Judging by the facebook pics, he's put on more weight and his new gf is bigger than I ever was so I get your feelings of schadenfreude.
As Kellye said, sometimes you have to deal with frogs before you find a prince
I wanted to say congrats on your amazing weightloss! And piffle to anyone that wants to give you grief about it! I think it is fine and healthy to know what you are and are not attracted to. I think it is rude, mean and ridiculous to say what he did publicly. Here's some silver lining: At least you saw his true colors early and got away from him. I married mine. By the time I got myself untangled from him I felt subhuman for years! I'll spare you the details, but good for you! Hold your head up, march on, and find someone amazing and DESERVING!
Thank you for all the encouraging words, guys. You are absolutely right. I should be proud of what I've done and not let this one incident go to my head. These are the scars I bare from a life well-lived and one person's opinion doesn't speak for everyone. I just gotta let this one slid off my back. I'm not even going to hold onto any resentment about it. I'm mentally sending my best wishes to him and hoping that someone or something comes along in his life to put him in a better place emotionally and spiritually as well.
This is the part that gets me though. I know not everyone has to find me attractive. I'm pretty specific about what I find attractive too. The difference is when someone doesn't do it for me I respectfully decline and wish them the best. I don't try and hold onto something and lead someone on hoping that I'll get there. That's not fair to them or me. He was quite clingy in the relationship and came on rather strong since the very beginning. And I certainly don't go off to my friends (internet or in real life) and talk about how unattractive I've found them. The only time in my life I've ever felt the need to use such a strong word to describe someone I wasn't attracted to was towards a creepy bartender who would not stop saying really disgusting sexual things to me with absolutely no signs of interest from me.
I just think what he did was rather mean spirited. It would have been different had he just mentioned the possibility of their being loose skin or other flaws once the clothes came off and left it at that. It's a flaw. Everyone has flaws. You either accept them or you don't. It just p*sses me off that he expected me to not act insecure about it when, in hindsight, he made it painfully obvious that I should have been. Why put me through that? If he knew it was a dealbreaker and felt that strongly about it that he had to use that word, why wouldn't he just let me end it when I tried? Instead he put me through an emotional wringer while I was with him and for another month and couple weeks after I raised the issue of incompatibility. That just seems so selfish to me....
I know I shouldn't even be mad about the comment he made on the website because, well, I guess it's my fault for looking. Some things are just better left unseen and I should have thought of that before reading through a site I know he frequents.
Can I just say that you seem like an incredibly well adjusted person with a great attitude. I feel for what you had to go through, but I have no doubt you will move on from this and find someone who deserves you and is ready to meet you halfway and love you fully. I love the term "battle scars" -- that seems very apt. Your weight loss is an amazing accomplishment and something you have every right to be proud of! A little loose skin is just that. What you did truly is amazing and I hope you find a way to move past his comments -- he clearly is just not where you are.
You deserve the absolute best person who will accept you for the beautiful person you are! I also have loose skin and cannot afford the surgery yet to get rid of it. However, I have learned to accept my body and am very happy to be thin and healthy.
That guy was a jerk and you are better off without him!
You have done a wonderful job of making yourself healthy!!!!
I've heard a lot of guys say that they "do their thing" to porn so much that when it comes time to perform with a real woman they can't finish because they are so used to just that one feeling. It desensitizes them.
Heh. My last boyfriend before I met my husband was like this. It used to drive me insane. I'd finish up a good 30 minutes before him and get so bored I would have to try really hard not to just fall asleep on him. Sex is great if you can take your time and all, but everyone has a limit on the actual intercourse part. It didn't help that he lost 90 pounds while we were together so he found every second he could to harp on me about my weight. Wouldn't have been so bad if he coaxed me to hit the gym with him, or diet with him, or even expressed concern about my health. Instead he would say hurtful things like, "I lost all this weight. I can't bee seen in public with you if your won't do the same." But it is all good. Because I dumped him and am now happily married to a VERY supportive man who is concerned about my well being and not my looks. Tonight, he was craving Texas Roadhouse. Instead of tempting me and going out tonight, and instead of going out by himself, he settled for tofu burgers because that is what I was having tonight. Now that is love! <3