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Body Image and Issues after Weight Loss Including discussions about excess skin and reconstructive surgery

My ex said a horrible thing about my loose skin... long

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Old 02-13-2012, 11:58 AM   #16
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See, this one is a tough one. Does it make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive? No.... we can't control what we find attractive or not. And because he seemed (at first) to want to make it work, he didn't want it to be an issue either.

Even in the post where he said, "Hold off on calling them hot until you get their clothes off. I dated a girl that lost 150 lbs in a year and a half and she looked awesome in clothes but when they came off she had loose skin EVERYWHERE! She was really self-conscious about it. And with good reason. It was pretty revolting." He wasn't trying to be mean. It's how he felt. Now, would it hurt like **** to hear that or see that? YES!!!! of course. I would be devastated to read that! And yes, it would make it very hard to mentally cope with that.

I think, if/when you get to the point of 'getting naked' with someone, letting them know that you have loose skin is probably in your best interest. (Which it sounds like you do anyway) and then they can be mentally prepared for it. Same with if you had baby stretch marks, etc. That way when the moment comes, it's not all "WOW!!!! Ew!!!!"

But this guy obviously doesn't understand that life creates battle scars. and if/when he ever gets with a woman permanently, he'll be in for a rude awakening. Babies can wreak havoc on a woman's body. And we all get old and that changes our bodies too.

I remember being really worried about my massive amounts of stretch marks on my tummy after having a baby. My husband was so wonderful about it. He said, "it's a small price to pay for having our child" and he has NEVER, EVER had a problem with them. He hated my fat, but he doesn't mind the loose skin. Why? The fat worried him - he hated that I was so unhealthy. The stretch marks and loose skin are results from living life, not from being unhealthy, and that stuff doesn't matter to him.
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Old 02-13-2012, 12:01 PM   #17
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"See, this one is a tough one. Does it make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive? No.... we can't control what we find attractive or not. And because he seemed (at first) to want to make it work, he didn't want it to be an issue either."

I think it was the fact that he posted such a statement that makes him a jerk.
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Old 02-13-2012, 12:26 PM   #18
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There are *******s everywhere. And i agree that his comments says more about himself than it does about you. I say this from personal experience; i've noticed that i'm quite critical about guys i date--i don't want to date an out-of-shape guy, even though i have a few extra pounds myself. Some would consider this hypocritical, but i tend to see it as a self-consciousness about weight and projecting it onto others. If i weren't overweight then i probably wouldn't be as overly concerned about weight and appearances when dating.
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Old 02-13-2012, 12:57 PM   #19
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There are *******s everywhere. And i agree that his comments says more about himself than it does about you. I say this from personal experience; i've noticed that i'm quite critical about guys i date--i don't want to date an out-of-shape guy, even though i have a few extra pounds myself. Some would consider this hypocritical, but i tend to see it as a self-consciousness about weight and projecting it onto others. If i weren't overweight then i probably wouldn't be as overly concerned about weight and appearances when dating.
THIS.

Either way, that guy sucks and I hope he falls in love with a girl who won't accept his body the way it is and he gets his feelings hurt. I know it can take years to get over the humiliation of just one comment like that and I hope your self-esteem and perception of yourself swings back into the "confident, proud to have made such a huge change" mode soon.
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Old 02-13-2012, 01:05 PM   #20
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Thank you for all the encouraging words, guys. You are absolutely right. I should be proud of what I've done and not let this one incident go to my head. These are the scars I bare from a life well-lived and one person's opinion doesn't speak for everyone. I just gotta let this one slid off my back. I'm not even going to hold onto any resentment about it. I'm mentally sending my best wishes to him and hoping that someone or something comes along in his life to put him in a better place emotionally and spiritually as well.

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Originally Posted by berryblondeboys View Post
See, this one is a tough one. Does it make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive? No.... we can't control what we find attractive or not. And because he seemed (at first) to want to make it work, he didn't want it to be an issue either.
This is the part that gets me though. I know not everyone has to find me attractive. I'm pretty specific about what I find attractive too. The difference is when someone doesn't do it for me I respectfully decline and wish them the best. I don't try and hold onto something and lead someone on hoping that I'll get there. That's not fair to them or me. He was quite clingy in the relationship and came on rather strong since the very beginning. And I certainly don't go off to my friends (internet or in real life) and talk about how unattractive I've found them. The only time in my life I've ever felt the need to use such a strong word to describe someone I wasn't attracted to was towards a creepy bartender who would not stop saying really disgusting sexual things to me with absolutely no signs of interest from me.

I just think what he did was rather mean spirited. It would have been different had he just mentioned the possibility of their being loose skin or other flaws once the clothes came off and left it at that. It's a flaw. Everyone has flaws. You either accept them or you don't. It just p*sses me off that he expected me to not act insecure about it when, in hindsight, he made it painfully obvious that I should have been. Why put me through that? If he knew it was a dealbreaker and felt that strongly about it that he had to use that word, why wouldn't he just let me end it when I tried? Instead he put me through an emotional wringer while I was with him and for another month and couple weeks after I raised the issue of incompatibility. That just seems so selfish to me....

I know I shouldn't even be mad about the comment he made on the website because, well, I guess it's my fault for looking. Some things are just better left unseen and I should have thought of that before reading through a site I know he frequents.

Lesson learned.

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Old 02-13-2012, 01:15 PM   #21
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First let me say that you have done an awesome job at your weight loss. You get a high five and many kudos.

Secondly, this LOSER of a guy is not even worth it. I was so angry as I was reading your post. How could he!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are better off without him. He is a very mean person to say such a thing. NO ONE is perfect. And for him to say such mean things says a lot about him. He is a creep!
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Old 02-13-2012, 01:25 PM   #22
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Well done YOU for changing your life! You're an inspiration and there are a LOT of people who would be thrilled to have you in their lives.

By the sound of it, this jerk is going to end up bitter and alone with pictures of the fake porn stars he's obsessed with. What a loser.

I understand how upsetting it is to hear someone saying something so cruel behind your back. But you have to decide not to give a **** what they say. There are so many better things in life worth caring about
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Old 02-13-2012, 01:35 PM   #23
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While I started dating my ex, I was going through a hard time and gained 20-30 pounds in only a couple of months. Found out around when I dumped him, he sent an email to his friend that I was a b!tch for gaining a ton a weight but he would try to get in my pants anyway. He made comments when I was dumping him about how I ate pasta in the morning (it was 11:30 dude) etc. A man with integrity would never say this about any woman, much less one who he claims to love (or even like). Nobody is perfect and he shouldn't be commenting on your appearance like that even if it wasn't to you or meant for you too see. He doesn't have a realistic image of what a woman looks like anyway. This is one of those things that gets to me! Consider yourself lucky and look for someone else. I know how it feels and don't let it get to you. It hurts but it's really his problem.

Just wanted to add: he does have a right to not find you attractive, however the judgmental and belittling tone he took while talking about it is what upsets me. If he didn't find you attractive, he didn't have to be with you. You did a great job losing that weight and don't listen to people like that.

You will get over it, I promise.

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Old 02-13-2012, 01:39 PM   #24
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GIRL! I dated a guy that was JUST like that. He cheated on me, I found out, he begged for forgiveness, I said EFF THAT.

Well, he felt the need to blog about me and take jabs at me on FB (I know this through mutual friends). Even had the audacity to be angry at me for not wanting him anymore. I know this because he sent me 3 very angry emails about how my boobs sagged and I had stretch marks - it was humiliating and I felt completely defeated BUT I never gave him the satisfaction of responding, needless to say it still hurt.

I say all that to say this - YOU ARE SO SO SO VERY STRONG for seeing that he wasn't worth it and moving on. I can relate to what you went through 150%. Secondly, he has personal issues. Every man has the right to not be attracted to us, but the fact that he felt the need to blast you publicly means he is a TOOL, maybe even narcissistic.

Honestly I didn't bounce back very well, I gained all of the weight I had lost back. I would LOVE to blame him, but at the end of the day it was my own fault for letting his mean spirited comments and emails get to me.

Again, I know its EXTREMELY hard to not let it get to you and to look at yourself in the mirror a little differently because of what was said, but I promise it will pass. Especially since I sense thorough your post that you are an extremely strong and intelligent woman.

He is your EX for a reason. Keep doing what you are doing!!!
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Old 02-14-2012, 12:04 PM   #25
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<<See, this one is a tough one. Does it make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive? No.... we can't control what we find attractive or not. And because he seemed (at first) to want to make it work, he didn't want it to be an issue either.>>

I agree with this, though I was afraid to post it myself. The comment sounded mean because it was tossed off to anonymous strangers and wasn't intended to be read by the OP.

I'm 5'11", and I once had a guy tell me he couldn't see himself dating me because he's only attracted to petite women. Did this make him a jerk? Not in my opinion. He was just being honest.

I know another guy (online) who mentioned that he could never date a girl with A-cup breasts. That one hit still closer to home because my teenage daughter is an A, but I still recognize that people have the right to like what they like and dislike what they dislike.

I think we all need to accept that some people won't find us attractive for whatever reason, and move on from that realization.

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Old 02-14-2012, 12:22 PM   #26
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<<See, this one is a tough one. Does it make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive? No.... we can't control what we find attractive or not. And because he seemed (at first) to want to make it work, he didn't want it to be an issue either.>>

I agree with this, though I was afraid to post it myself. The comment sounded mean because it was tossed off to anonymous strangers and wasn't intended to be read by the OP.

I'm 5'11", and I once had a guy tell me he couldn't see himself dating me because he's only attracted to petite women. Did this make him a jerk? Not in my opinion. He was just being honest.

I know another guy (online) who mentioned that he could never date a girl with A-cup breasts. That one hit still closer to home because my teenage daughter is an A, but I still recognize that people have the right to like what they like and dislike what they dislike.

I think we all need to accept that some people won't find us attractive for whatever reason, and move on from that realization.

JMHO Freelance
I get this. And really I'm not offended that he didn't find me attractive. Jeez, I was 300 lbs from 23-28. I've learned to deal with rejection and men not being attracted to me.

My problem is that you don't sleep with someone for 3 months that you aren't attracted to. Once or twice to try it out, ok. But countless times over 3 months, with him doing the majority of the initiating and him CONSTANTLY encouraging me to be naked around him? No. He was either messing with my head and leading me then on or he's just being a bitter d*uchebag now. Either option still makes him an a$$hat.
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Old 02-14-2012, 12:29 PM   #27
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He has a right to not be attracted to anyone, but it's the manner in which he said that he isn't attracted that makes in a douchebag.

"Revolting" has no place being used to describe someone's body.
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Old 02-14-2012, 12:31 PM   #28
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I get this. And really I'm not offended that he didn't find me attractive. Jeez, I was 300 lbs from 23-28. I've learned to deal with rejection and men not being attracted to me.

My problem is that you don't sleep with someone for 3 months that you aren't attracted to. Once or twice to try it out, ok. But countless times over 3 months, with him doing the majority of the initiating and him CONSTANTLY encouraging me to be naked around him? No. He was either messing with my head and leading me then on or he's just being a bitter d*uchebag now. Either option still makes him an a$$hat.
That is exactly what I was thinking. You just don't sleep with someone that you're not attracted to for months. I know what every person will not be attracted to us and that's ok. For someone to do that to a person is lower than a snake's belly.
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Old 02-14-2012, 12:31 PM   #29
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Finding someone unattractive doesn't make you a jerk. Thinking that your opinion of what's attractive or unattractive should be shared with the world DOES make you a jerk. Like all those guys who post "I'd hit that" on a woman's photo on the internet- jerks. All the guys who state that this or that celebrity is "fat" or "gross" - jerks.

Attraction is a personal thing. There's no reason to make people feel bad about themselves by projecting your opinions out into the cyberweb. If you wouldn't say it to the person's face, don't write it on the internet. And if you WOULD say hurtful things to a person's face, you are a jerk
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Old 02-15-2012, 05:19 AM   #30
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OMG!! I'd drop-kick him back to prehistoric times!! Grr that really annoyed me! The reason you were incompatible is because he wouldn't make an effort to engage in the actual activity! What a horrible man - take no notice because most men aren't like that. You have achieved something amazing, you should never stop being proud of yourself. :-)
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