Body Image and attention from the opposite sex...
 

I went to Oktoberfest with some friends of mine this afternoon... I've been trying to get out of the house more and be less of a hermit. Had a great time (I'm not a beer drinker by any means, but it was a great day to be outside) but just before we left, I had a guy come up to me (he was with 2 or 3 other guys, around my age or a little younger) and ask if my boyfriend was with us. I said no (I'm single, but didn't actually say that). The other guys were kind of laughing or acting embarrassed by his behavior, as he continued to attempt to talk to me about "his brother" (one of the others). I finally just cut him off and just said "no thanks, we're leaving", not really knowing what he wanted.

Part of me wishes I'd let him go a little longer, to find out what he was really up to (curiosity killed the cat...), but there was a part me that is still stuck in the "fat girl mindset" (sorry, don't know how else to put that) and was terrified that he was making of fun of me. The last thing I wanted was to be completely embarrassed in front of the people I was with.

Intellectually, I know my body is back to a relatively normal size. I know I looked good today... so why I am second guessing myself? why did i fear what those guys were going to say to me or about me? and why, 6 hours later, am I still sitting here thinking about it?

does this ever stop?

I hope it stops! i actually spent the majority of my life as a tiny, fit hottie. LOL At least I felt that way and had uber-confidence.

6 years of being heavy just CHANGED me. I still kick myself for buying clothing to big that doesn't fit properly, and am shocked and feel awkward if someone checks me out.

Sigh.

I think it gets better the longer we see ourselves in the mirror each day, and live life as a thinner, fitter person.

Sure. Stop giving the power away to others. And take the power BACK for you.

There's no reason you couldn't go "No, I'm single. Why are you asking about my BF?" when he asked about the BF.

Ask straight up. He can answer straight up or not. And if he's dinking around?

If he wants to make a fool of himself trying to trip you up? "Wow. I'm amazed you choose to behave like that in public."

Or maybe he's trying to ask you out. Who knows?

But know that YOU can handle whatever it is. Really. :)

A.

Yeah, I know what you mean, sometimes it just takes a longer time for the head to catch up with the rest of the body!

I agree. Don't let it happen again! Next time take the time and listen to what they have to say :)

I don't know if it ever changes, so unfortunately I can't testify to that.

I did just want to say that I understand the mentality, though.

If a guy came up to me and his friends were all laughing and joking behind him while he talked to me my mind would IMMEDIATELY jump back to middle school days and my first thoughts would be "They're making fun of me. I'm out of here."

However, maybe simply being blunt is the best way. Maybe a quick "I'm kind of pressed for time. Is there something that you want?" Then you get to find out exactly what they were after, at least.

I think you're expecting the worst out of people because that is what you're used to :hug:. Not all people are bad apples :).

However, when someone does start acting like an idiot, I love this line:
I think that is applicable to any rude/ridiculous behavior and I'm going to use it myself in the future!!!

"Wow. I'm amazed you choose to behave like that in public."

You know what scares me about using this line? That the guy will say, "Screw you, fat pig". So even if he was trying to pick me up and I cut him down like that he'll retaliate with hurtful words.

My scars still run deep.....

I know it sounds scary, but really. Would you WANT to date a man who

a) tries to pick you up in a way that hurts your feelings and you HAVE to break out the "Wow. I am amazed you behave this way in public" response. You could even say "Do you know how you sound?" or "That's hurtful words." Whatever you like.

b) If he responds to that with anything but "I'm sorry. I didn't realize how I sounded" and he goes on with "Screw you fat pig" it just underlines that it is HIM with a people problem. NOT you. I know it is hurtful, but it will hurt whether you speak up or not. Nasty people are nasty.

Ignorant people stay ignorant if nobody ever corrects them. I have a guy friend with Aspergers who lacks tact. He knows this, and he says he wishes people would TELL him when he's going off into goober land because it is embarassing for HIM too. He can't learn it without feedback because he THINKS it is ok, but it turns out it isn't.

c) Speaking up at least lets these bullies know we are on to them. And everyone around you that over hears you will know it too. It also helps YOU get over it because even though it hurts to hear, there is some comfort in knowing you spoke up for yourself.

I'll take feeling ugh over nasty comment + did something about it over feeling ugh + did nothing. Some choices in life are not about win vs lose. It's about this choice stinks, and this choice stinks least.

hugs
A.

Reading your account, I would say he was trying to find out for honourable reasons (ie someone in that group clocked you, thought you were attractive)
I know how easy it is to assume the worst, I still do it now. having gone from getting no 'nice' attention from men, only insults to nice attention now, I still don't feel wholly comfortable with it and that more suspicious old me still lurks!

blimey I am sorry, mods could you do your thing? I am posting from an IPhone and they can be wafty!!

I just read this thread and understand. I'm scared to death of the fact that men like to look at pretty women. I don't want to be looked at. Anyway, I'm glad for this post!

I carried a lot of my weight in my face and I was very ugly looking before I lost weight. I always felt insecure about my looks. Now that I've lost weight, I am getting a lot of attention from men and I still think that they are teasing me but I have to change my way of thinking. It's hard to retrain your mind to think differently than the way you have for years. I'm still learning, it's a daily battle. My husband, on the other hand, is FREAKING out by men looking at me. That's a whole nother thread...omg!

i dont know what you mean by fat girl mindset, ive had men fight over me even at my biggest and ive always had a bf. its about confidence not your weight. you can be 125lbs and be ugly or 400 and be beautiful as well, weight doesn't matter if genes didnt bless you with good bone structure and if your mind is always thinking that ppl are making fun of you, just my opinion.

I agree 100% with charlaine and have never been a supermodel but have always been confident and attracted men and a lot more often then my skinny friends its about attitude ...The key is...always smile...ever noticed how people are drawn to a person who smiles a lot? And always look into the eyes of people you meet because it means you are genuinely pleased to meet them ...
Practice doing that when you go into shops and when you are being served...you my dear need some serious flirting lessons lol