Dating and body image after diet?

Dagny18 · 08-24-2010, 10:03 PM

I've lost almost 100 pounds after being 312 pounds. I have never had much luck with guys...but now I have met someone and even if this doesn't workout, I realize there will be others. This issue will come up again.
I look normal with clothes on. I could still lose weight, but I am tall and proportioned out well. With clothes, you would assume I weigh 130 or something.
Under clothes I hate how I look. I have cellulite, and stretch marks, and what I call "loose skin"
I don't know how to explain this to someone...sometimes I just want to blurt out "I am ugly" you could find someone better looking. Or, you won't be happy with me...

How do you deal with this??

hippy27 · 08-24-2010, 10:37 PM

I've never been overweight but having a bit of body-dysmorphia, I do deal with these feelings.

I don't see what others see. If I do happen to catch a glimpse of how I really look, I still critique myself for what's under the clothes. I am only 19 but I too have stretch marks(from hitting an early puberty/growth-spurt as a kid) & cellulite.

I understand the "I look a lot thinner with clothes" bit. I do. I look 20-30lbs lighter with my clothes on & people always have trouble guessing my weight.(not that I'd want them to, lol) And my bones are pretty prominent, so even if I'm carrying extra weight, my ribs/shoulder-blades/collar-bone etc "stick out" & people worry about my weight-loss when they really don't have to. It actually gets to the point of getting annoyed at "oh, you look so skinny" or "you don't have to lose weight" .

what I do is I look in the mirror every morning & try to laugh. Not take myself so seriously. Look at the positives. My body may have grown faster at age 10 than my friends & classmates, but my mind did too. My butt may be big, but my boyfriend loves it. My legs might be large, but they're strong & athletic. My hips may be wider than I'd like, but maybe one day they'll allow me to conceive a baby. And the cellulite...well, that I could live without! lol

Hope this helps, & message anytime!

hippy27 · 08-24-2010, 10:39 PM

oh, almost forgot...congrats on your amazing weight-loss. It kinds of blows my mind sometimes to see, or read, how far people can push themselves.

starfishkitty · 08-24-2010, 11:40 PM

You know what? I don't know if you ever really will lose that feeling of self icky-ness...... but when it comes to guys.... I've finally figured out that no matter how much you dislike yourself and think you're not attractive, the RIGHT guy absolutely disagrees with you.

He might not think everything's perfect on you.... but he probably thinks your whole package is awesome.

Brains, beauty, flaws, cellulite, lose skin, smile, laugh, stretch marks.... all his and he'll love it!

I know mine does....

And he tells me all the time! (especially when I'm having MY ick days)

beccabutterfly · 08-27-2010, 07:24 PM

I'm in the same boat as you Dagny,and I feel the exact same way.I'm 5'1 and have always been at the very least,chunky.went from a low of 130 in my early 20's to 180 at the birth of my 2nd son (both c-sections),going from there up to 220 and staying there for around 12 years.lost down to 167, 5 or 6 years ago.then realized after a couple of years I was at 216 again.over the last couple of years I've lost back down to 170ish,with a lot more to go.
have not been with anyone in the nude since a brief encounter with my ex of 15 years 4 years ago.
I've just started talking to a very goodlooking guy on the internet,and we will meet soon.I still need to lose weight,but he seems ok with that and appreciates the fact I'm working on it.I can hide this mess with clothes...but I honestly am disgusting naked.before someone tells me I don't see myself clearly and it's better than fat....I'm still fat too.and where I've lost fat is the gruesome hanging bread dough.my thighs look like draperies.
I have been doing cruches and weight resistance for more than a month,but obviously not much change yet,and I was ok with that until suddenly meeting this guy.
sure,if a guy loves you he loves all of you...but what if you are not deeply in love yet? they are human,and there will be that first time they see it,and there is no way it will not disgust someone.he is attractive enough I'm sure he'd rather have an at least normal woman.
and if I hide in the dark....what guy likes that?
so anyway,just needed to share that with someone lol
and to let you know Dagny,you are not alone.

beccabutterfly · 08-27-2010, 07:33 PM

I forgot to mention I feel like a fraud,because I'm talking to this poor man like I'm an attractive woman (which I am),but under my clothes is the michelin man...
how could I be mad if later he see's it and resents that?

ringmaster · 08-28-2010, 01:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beccabutterfly

I forgot to mention I feel like a fraud,because I'm talking to this poor man like I'm an attractive woman (which I am),but under my clothes is the michelin man...
how could I be mad if later he see's it and resents that?

yeah... I don't know if it's better to bring it up before getting intimate or take the chance the person really likes you for you and won't care or might not even notice about the loose skin, stretch marks and whatever. If you wear shorts and t-shirts/sleeveless shirts I guess that could show some so they have an idea ahead of time.

I bring up the time one of my exes really didn't know what stretch marks were... I tried to explain I gained alot of weight and lost it before meeting him, and he still didn't get how my skin could get all the swiggly red lines.

pretty good question...

caryesings · 08-28-2010, 09:07 AM

Maybe it's the perspective of my age, but I figure if the guy is warm enough for my form in the first place that he's not going to be inventorying the details once he gets me naked!

Dagny18 · 08-29-2010, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beccabutterfly

I forgot to mention I feel like a fraud,because I'm talking to this poor man like I'm an attractive woman (which I am),but under my clothes is the michelin man...
how could I be mad if later he see's it and resents that?

I feel this way! I feel like I am deceiving him or something...and we are so close to saying the L words and how we feel...and I don't have the words to explain that I do not look the way he probably thinks I do

TamiL · 09-12-2010, 08:47 PM

I have never found a man to care about those things. Don't spend time obsessing over it, if they want you....it won't matter sweetie

HLS · 09-18-2010, 11:09 PM

I agree with TamiL - if he wants you, it won't matter.

xty · 09-23-2010, 01:39 PM

ive lost over 100lbs, and not one single man (even the ones that ended up being heartless jerks in other ways) every had even the most remote negative comment to say about my body. and i have a zillion stretchmarks, used to have much more cellulite and at no point on the weight scale did it happen.

how i felt the entire time was different. so i definitely understand and empathize with your feelings.

my current bf was SHOCKED to hear i even got a plastic surgery consult. couldnt imagine me thinking i needed it. i decided to just keep on the eating and workout plan for now, but still it felt nice to know he didnt think i needed it.

the thing that has helped me most is to get strong. a year of 3x a week weight/resistance training has added a ton of muscle definition and super boost my confidence.

velocitygirl · 09-26-2010, 08:16 PM

I can totally relate to this, dating has definitely been interesting as the pounds have come off for me. When I was at my heaviest I didn't date at all, I kind of isolated myself and cut that part of my life off because I felt so bad about myself. Honestly I didn't think men were attracted to me for a long time, but it probably had more to do with my attitude than anything else. I've only really started dating again in the past year. I still don't have near enough confidence and I have tonnes of insecurites about my body, but I'm going for it anyway. The excess skin really bothers me, I do still have about 15 lbs to lose as well. I carried most of my weight around my middle so I have a lot of sagging skin there, and my poor boobs are a mess.

Even so I had a relationship with a man and he didn't run away on first site, so I guess my thoughts are changing on this subject. I think that men don't care as much about these things as we do, and I've tried to stop beating up on myself so much. I'm about to start a new relationship and I worry about the same things. I don't know if I should tell him before hand or not. I'm trying to be confident and hope that he will accept my body. I think if a man wants you he will be with you, and if he gets disgusted then he's not worth having in your life. At least I keep trying to remind myself of this.

Congratulations on your weight loss Dagny18!

HermersSis · 09-27-2010, 11:59 AM

I'm in the same boat as you, I think even worse because I have jacked up breast.

I really like this guy and he's going off to join the Marines. By the time he comes back I will have lost all I was intending on losing but I have so many stretch marks and what I call "battle scars".

I guess being honest is the only thing you can do. I have to tell him I can't sleep with me because I have horrid breast and it'll have to wait until I get the surgery, you know if I don't die.

HermersSis · 09-27-2010, 12:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beccabutterfly

I'm in the same boat as you Dagny,and I feel the exact same way.I'm 5'1 and have always been at the very least,chunky.went from a low of 130 in my early 20's to 180 at the birth of my 2nd son (both c-sections),going from there up to 220 and staying there for around 12 years.lost down to 167, 5 or 6 years ago.then realized after a couple of years I was at 216 again.over the last couple of years I've lost back down to 170ish,with a lot more to go.
have not been with anyone in the nude since a brief encounter with my ex of 15 years 4 years ago.
I've just started talking to a very goodlooking guy on the internet,and we will meet soon.I still need to lose weight,but he seems ok with that and appreciates the fact I'm working on it.I can hide this mess with clothes...but I honestly am disgusting naked.before someone tells me I don't see myself clearly and it's better than fat....I'm still fat too.and where I've lost fat is the gruesome hanging bread dough.my thighs look like draperies.
I have been doing cruches and weight resistance for more than a month,but obviously not much change yet,and I was ok with that until suddenly meeting this guy.
sure,if a guy loves you he loves all of you...but what if you are not deeply in love yet? they are human,and there will be that first time they see it,and there is no way it will not disgust someone.he is attractive enough I'm sure he'd rather have an at least normal woman.
and if I hide in the dark....what guy likes that?
so anyway,just needed to share that with someone lol
and to let you know Dagny,you are not alone.

Wow, just like me.