Sometimes I Wish I Hadn't Bothered

Magrat · 06-24-2010, 07:24 PM

I'm so frustrated with myself. Before I lost weight I had an okay body image. I didn't go around constantly thinking about my weight and what I should or shouldn't eat, or how many calories I had burned. I didn't fret about what size my jeans were. I ate, I went to work, I spent time with my DH and our dog, I did fun things, in short, I just lived my life.

Now I think about my weight, my body, calories and exercise ALL THE TIME. Every time I use the restroom at work I lift my shirt up to examine my stomach. My brain keeps a running count of calories consumed versus calories burned. I try on clothes constantly to see if the too small ones fit yet. As I've posted before, I'm just five pounds from goal, but as far as I'm concerned those five pounds might as well be twenty. I know that, objectively speaking, I'm thin now, but because I'm not at goal, I don't see it and I don't feel it.

Anyone relate?

ncuneo · 06-24-2010, 10:00 PM

Um...ME! I'm 10lbs or excuse me, 8lbs from goal, but let's be honest 10 because I'm pretty sure 8 more won't cut it. I'll still feel like I need to lose more. Honestly I'm needing a little maitenance break to just focus on nutrition and fitness. I'm so over thinking about weight loss. The what I should and shouldn't eat, well that is going to be part of my life now, but I'm just tired of wondering how long is the extra sodium in that lunch out going to make me retain water? How long is that extra weight training session or extra mile of running going to make my loss slow down. I'm over wondering if the next 5 lbs is finally going to make my belly fat acceptable. Anyway, I can comiserate with you 100%.

cherylmn · 06-24-2010, 10:28 PM

Absolutely. I was just having that epiphany today, in fact. How my life is 100% consumed with trying to be in better shape & critiquing my self physically all the time.

I absolutely do feel better about myself & how I look, but I long for the freedom to just LIVE and not think about food/exercise/self image all the time.

We'll get there I'm sure...

Cheryl

saef · 06-24-2010, 10:54 PM

At my most pessimistic, I think I have simply replaced one form of disordered eating with another.

Former eating disorder: Never thought about what I ate. Ate constantly, whatever I wanted, in whatever quantities. Was also pretty much in denial that there was any cause & effect going on. Was in denial about what I looked like. Really lived only from the neck upward. I would call myself oblivious. I probably felt contented to some degree. But I had the blackest moods, when I'd be in a dressing room, or pulling out the previous season's clothes, wondering if they fit. I need to remind myself of how that felt, or else the old days take on a golden glow.

Current eating disorder: I think about what I eat. I plan what I eat. I think about whether I'm getting enough exercise. I'm actually aspiring to look (well, somewhat, even faintly) like those scary perfect pictures of Jillian flitting in the ads across my screen here. I get annoyed with myself for not looking better. I am a pain in the butt when ordering food at a restaurant -- always specifically asking for certain modifications or even ordering plain fare off-menu at very fine restaurants where people wait months for good tables. BUT ... The self-hatred has pretty much gone away. I feel hopeful. I feel I am able to affect change in myself for the good. I hate using this word, but yeah, I'll resort to it ... I feel empowered. Not eternally damned & unfortunate.

Basically, I think I have to live like someone with a chronic disease, who always has to be mindful of certain limitations. Mine is overeating & making bad choices.

Look, if it becomes too burdensome, I can always give up & get fat again. No, wait ... I think I tried that ... and how was that working for me?

cherylmn · 06-25-2010, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by saef

At my most pessimistic, I think I have simply replaced one form of disordered eating with another.

Former eating disorder: Never thought about what I ate. Ate constantly, whatever I wanted, in whatever quantities. Was also pretty much in denial that there was any cause & effect going on. Was in denial about what I looked like. Really lived only from the neck upward. I would call myself oblivious. I probably felt contented to some degree. But I had the blackest moods, when I'd be in a dressing room, or pulling out the previous season's clothes, wondering if they fit. I need to remind myself of how that felt, or else the old days take on a golden glow.

Current eating disorder: I think about what I eat. I plan what I eat. I think about whether I'm getting enough exercise. I'm actually aspiring to look (well, somewhat, even faintly) like those scary perfect pictures of Jillian flitting in the ads across my screen here. I get annoyed with myself for not looking better. I am a pain in the butt when ordering food at a restaurant -- always specifically asking for certain modifications or even ordering plain fare off-menu at very fine restaurants where people wait months for good tables. BUT ... The self-hatred has pretty much gone away. I feel hopeful. I feel I am able to affect change in myself for the good. I hate using this word, but yeah, I'll resort to it ... I feel empowered. Not eternally damned & unfortunate.

I can totally relate to this! I have often thought of myself in the same way. I wonder if my family/friends thought I was a better person when I was obese???

benchmarkman · 06-28-2010, 06:33 AM

7 year maintainer and I still can't stop thinking about calories burned and calories consumed. For some people the thoughts will NEVER go away.

MindiV · 06-28-2010, 07:56 AM

I can relate 100%! Nearly 2 year maintainer, and I drive myself crazy every day obsessing about things. It'll be particularly bad this week as we're going on vacation Thursday through Sunday. No computer, no calorie counts, maybe no workouts. I'm trying NOT to let it ruin the excitement OR a good time...

alexandraT · 06-28-2010, 09:22 AM

[quote=Magrat;3357046]Now I think about my weight, my body, calories and exercise ALL THE TIME. Every time I use the restroom at work I lift my shirt up to examine my stomach. My brain keeps a running count of calories consumed versus calories burned. I try on clothes constantly to see if the too small ones fit yet. QUOTE]

Oh i can SOOOO relate. I do the lifting up the shirt in the restroom too!! And I find myself going back to the same store right near my work about once a week to see if I can fit into a smaller size yet... I also am constantly looking at my body in every reflective surface - I know it sounds vain, but I need the constant reassurance that I am thinner now. Also - one thing I am obsessive about that i know i need to stop - comparing mysefl to other women. I'm constantly looking at women, in my office, walkign down the street, at the gym, all day long, wondering "Is she smaller than me? I wonder how much she weighs. I bet she weighs 130. If I lose 5 more lbs will I look that small? She's so tiny! I wonder what size she is? a 4? a 6?" Really, it's obsessive, and exhausting.

The only bright side to this, though, is that before the loss, I used to constantly dream about being thin, and wondering what it would be like, and longingly wishing I could just lose the weight already. So, I guess it's a trade off. It scares me though - will it be this exhausting and obsessive the rest of my life? And if I stop obsessing - will I gain it back? It's so much an "all or nothing" for me, it's scary!

Magrat · 06-28-2010, 01:10 PM

[quote=alexandraT;3361191Oh i can SOOOO relate. I do the lifting up the shirt in the restroom too!! And I find myself going back to the same store right near my work about once a week to see if I can fit into a smaller size yet... I also am constantly looking at my body in every reflective surface - I know it sounds vain, but I need the constant reassurance that I am thinner now. Also - one thing I am obsessive about that i know i need to stop - comparing mysefl to other women. I'm constantly looking at women, in my office, walkign down the street, at the gym, all day long, wondering "Is she smaller than me? I wonder how much she weighs. I bet she weighs 130. If I lose 5 more lbs will I look that small? She's so tiny! I wonder what size she is? a 4? a 6?" Really, it's obsessive, and exhausting.

The only bright side to this, though, is that before the loss, I used to constantly dream about being thin, and wondering what it would be like, and longingly wishing I could just lose the weight already. So, I guess it's a trade off. It scares me though - will it be this exhausting and obsessive the rest of my life? And if I stop obsessing - will I gain it back? It's so much an "all or nothing" for me, it's scary![/QUOTE]

I compare myself to other women too, all the time. I work at a very famous research institution which offers Summer courses for graduate students. The students come from all over the world and some of the women are extremely tiny, though not at all bony or sick looking. Even if I get to goal I'll still outweigh them by a good twenty pounds. I know that different ethnic groups have different bone structures and muscle to fat ratios, and I know that I would personally look horrible if I reached their low weights. I know all that, but I look and compare and feel jealous all the same. I wish I was fine-boned and delicate.

BoiseShan · 06-28-2010, 05:42 PM

So glad to see I'm not the only one! Will I ever be able to enjoy a meal without mentally counting the calories???

BreathingSpace · 06-28-2010, 09:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alexandraT

Oh i can SOOOO relate. I do the lifting up the shirt in the restroom too!!

Confession: I am another restroom shirt-lifter!

~BreathingSpace~

neurodoc · 06-28-2010, 10:10 PM

Is it terrible to say that I find this thread extremely reassuring? I have ALL of these thoughts...and lift my shirt at home, in my own mirror (my restroom at work has 4 stalls). Dieting definitely gives me an eating disorder that I don't have when I don't have to be mindful of what I eat. The acts of counting calories, calculating portions, weighing myself, all make me become a self-involved obsessed single-minded person. It sucks. And yet, as all of you have pointed out, the alternative (of staying fat) is even worse. I just wish there were a way to do this without developing an unhealthy obsession.

ubergirl · 07-05-2010, 07:16 AM

Well, I guess I'm the odd man out here. I think about food MUCH LESS now, and I'm less compulsive and obsessive than I was. (although both of those qualities have certainly helped me on my weight loss journey.)

When I was fat I thought about food ALL THE TIME. Where was I going to get it? What specific food would soothe my craving? What if I couldn't eat or missed a meal? What if I felt like eating and there was nothing to eat? Or worse yet, what if I felt like binging and there were people around?

I spent so much time on it: sneaking into the break room to grab one cookie to shove down my face and quickly sticking another in my purse.... stopping to buy something in the convenience store at the gas station even though I was running late for work, throwing a one pound bag of Twizzlers or a box of Dove Bars in my shopping cart and then hoping that I wouldn't run into one of the neighbors... wiping sticking sugar off the steering wheel after eating donuts in the car and or worse yet, trying to eat and drive and worrying I might crash. I actually used to have this ACTIVE fear that I would die by choking from eating KFC while driving!

Now, I know that not every obese person is a binge-eater, but as a former binge eater, I can definitely say that following my modest and simple to follow plan takes up much less mental space than being a binge-eater did.

Marie · 07-09-2010, 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by saef

I need to remind myself of how that felt, or else the old days take on a golden glow... Look, if it becomes too burdensome, I can always give up & get fat again. No, wait ... I think I tried that ... and how was that working for me?

Saef, I think you're statements are my new motto. As a relatively new maintainer (7 months) I'm struggling with the thought processes that have taken over my mind the day my journey started. Occasionally I think of those "golden glow" days and know they weren't golden. They were dark and scary.

So I choose to be compulsive (log every calorie in my iphone) and obsessive (labels, cal contents, exercise). My dr. said I was OCD on the topic about 8 months ago. I'm taking that as a compliment (although I didn't until recently - she'd made me feel bad/not normal). Here at 3FC I feel normal.

So Magrat, there are a lot of us that think about it constantly. I know I will regain the weight and lots more if I don't. Those weren't "golden glow days" for me.
Marie

bellona · 07-10-2010, 09:02 PM

I do that "pulling up the shirt to examine my stomach" thing too! I also felt really good at around 170, and really wasn't that self conscious or worried too much about what I ate. Now I feel like I'm chained to the scale, and I just fit into a size 6 dress today but thought I looked fat and worried about the fact that I am nowhere near goal. I've given up a lot of social engagements that are centered around drinking or food. I've made myself work out when I'm sick. It stinks, and sometimes I do wish I didn't have to think about it all the time. So I totally relate