I would just like to point out the difference between an opinion and a feeling. The statement was made that my feelings toward my mother are "unacceptable" and also I see that a lot of people misunderstood and think that my opinions are negative on overweight people. Keep in mind that I myself am an overweight person and my opinion is that weight struggles are very much emotional and hard to handle. I don't look down on overweight people...
Feelings are totally different and usually don't withstand comparisons to social norms. Feelings are not within our control until we determine what it is that makes us feel a certain way...which is really what I've set out to do and will be more capable of doing thanks to all the wonderful support and advice here. If my OPINION was that fat people are gross and disgusting and unworthy, I would be perfectly fine with feeling so negatively towards my mom. That's not my opinion though, at all, which causes me to wonder, why do I FEEL this way?? I'm overweight myself...I self loathe and beat myself up (like most of us...) and I know how bad it feels to be judged. I struggle not to judge other, but we all do occasionally. I just wish I could be more sympathetic to my mom. Our weight issues seem to be pretty different though, so it might be that we are simply coming from different places. I just wish she would try.
Sometimes I feel like I'm struggling to be a good person (losing weight, making smarter choices financially and in relationships, bettering myself) in the midst of a family that just plain doesn't care and that makes me anxious and resentful. I do get frustrated with my mom...she doesn't seem to want to get on the right track and I don't understand that. I wish I could understand...I really do.
Thanks again everyone for your support...and I did know when I posted that I would not necessarily get hugs and love and endless gentle advice. I kind of expected some not so gentle responses and some criticism. And I can handle that, maybe I deserve it. But I'm glad that I posted and I respect and appreciate each of your thoughts and opinions. Wish me luck...I hope to learn to be a better person in this aspect and control my feelings towards my mom and other overweight people in my life.
I can understand where you are coming from. I remember when I was a teenager, I dealt with depression and anxiety attacks pretty bad. Over the years, I learned to control them. Then, my sister started to get them... and while I was sympathetic, at the same time, I found myself resenting her. It made no sense to me at the time, and I hated myself for feeling that way, because if anyone should have been able to understand, it was me. I struggled with those feelings for a few years.
I realize now, in hindsight, it's because she was basically a representation of the things I resented about myself. I had my own demons, and when she was fighting the same demons, it was like I was looking at myself. I was angry with myself, and was projecting that onto her.
Feelings and emotions aren't always what we want them to be. Sometimes we have emotional reactions that we are embarrassed about. The key is to analyze them, figure out where they are coming from, and work to correct that. Even negatives can be turned into positives.
I find myself disliking things in others that I dislike in myself. <Insert mirror analogy here> What I REALLY dislike is the habits that kept me obese for so many years NOT the person displaying those habits. When I think about it, a big part of the disdain is knowing that those habits are still part of me and lurk just below the surface. Realizing where my feelings are coming from is my key to dealing with them.
I believe strongly that we aren't defined by our thoughts or feelings. Our actions are the true measure of who we are. How I act towards anyone should not be dictated by my own inner conflicts. If my treatment of a person is based on my own problems then I have wronged that person. Remember what we feel or think is temporary but are actions are permanent!
I realize now, in hindsight, it's because she was basically a representation of the things I resented about myself. I had my own demons, and when she was fighting the same demons, it was like I was looking at myself. I was angry with myself, and was projecting that onto her.
Feelings and emotions aren't always what we want them to be. Sometimes we have emotional reactions that we are embarrassed about. The key is to analyze them, figure out where they are coming from, and work to correct that. Even negatives can be turned into positives.
Quoted for truth.
My opinion is that feelings are just that...feelings. Sometimes we have feelings that we'd rather not have. Acting on them is another thing, of course, but the feeling itself is just there to be looked at and thought about. So I'd never think of you as a "bad person" for a feeling, unless it caused you to act in a way that was unkind.
ThicknPretty, I don't think you're a bad person at all. If you were, you would not be seeking advice on how to understand your negative feelings. I think that there isn't one person here who is perfectly in control of their feelings and we all have things that push our buttons. I have a father who smokes and I just hate that he smokes...I love him so much and I worry so much that...well....I don't even want to go there. I get angry at him because he knows I would be beyond devastated if something bad happened to him and why doesn't he love me enough to quit? But, he doesn't suffer from depression like your mother. Really, we're all lucky we were able to change our lives for the better, but not everyone does it...not everyone is that strong. When people are too weak to make a change for the better, it hurts everyone who loves them...sometimes, pain can manifest itself as anger, disgust, etc....we are so complex! I have no good advice...I just wanted to say that I appreciate your last post and I respect your willingness to share your true feelings.
One last thing...I can understand why some people here were so offended by all of this.....it hurts us all because we all feel that we have been judged for being overweight at one point or another. Maybe we can use this to understand why other people judge us?
A few people on here have commented on how our body is programmed to store fat because in the past that is how we survived. I totally agree. But I think that our bodies could never have been prepared for the exorbitant amount of unhealthy foods that we are bombarding it with.
In today's world as adults, we all know that it is bad to consume an unhealthy amount of fat - enough to where our bodies are storing more than we need to survive. So as adults we have to get to the root of the problem whether it be emotional, physiological, psychological, etc. so that we can change and live long, healthy lives. I guess what I am trying to say is that yes, if we consume a huge amount of bad foods our body takes it because that's what our body knows to do...but at the same time, we know that we shouldn't be consuming that stuff in the first place...we know it leads to horrendous health problems.
So why do we do it? That's what we have to figure out. So I totally see how anyone who has figured it out gets upset at loved ones that haven't figured it out...it's tough to see someone shortening their life on a daily basis...especially someone we care about so much.
I'm definitely starting to see that I'm more frustrated/disgusted with my moms behaviors than my mom as a person and that helps a lot...
One thing I've noticed about her is that she eats as if she starting tomorrow, food will cease to exist. What I mean by that is that she doesn't just...end up over eating, or sit down with a bag of chips and realize an hour later than she worked her way through the whole bag, it almost seems intentional...I know that's weird to say, but she will buy a bag of fun size candy bars and sit down and eat one after another, at a pretty fast rate, until they are gone...I don't understand that and it's kind of alarming. It seems as if she has an urgency to eat these things and I know that she's not even really tasting or enjoying them...
It would be ignorant of me to say that my mom does it "on purpose" and I know she's unhappy with her weight. I think I mentioned earlier that I think my mom and I have different weight issues and that's why it's hard for me to relate to/empathize with her...
Does anyone understand what I'm saying about the way she eats??? Is it odd that I even noticed that? Can anyone relate to that or know why that is?
I think I know exactly "what it is," and I think if you read some of the books I mentioned, you may too. I would start with "The end of overeating," it really explains the urge to eat past the point of all reason, quite well.
It's common in our culture to look at obesity as a "psychological" or even moral problem much more than a physiological one. I think the reverse is true. I think it's physiological, more than mental/emotional/moral. And the "answer" for most people isn't simple willpower - it's changing your environment so that you don't need willpower. You have to understand what refined carbs and fat/sugar/salt combination foods do to the brain and body - why the cycle occurs and what a person can do to break it.
I think "The End of Overeating" explains that cycle very well - so do some of the books on glycemic index and insulin resistance diets.
I can relate, in a different way. I'm a lesbian, and I feel myself disgusted by fat butch women who look like they put no care in their appearance at all. But a lot of lesbians are perfectly content with being overweight, and butch women WANT to look that way, so... I am passing judgment on these people who aren't even unhappy with themselves. There is NOTHING wrong with being more masculine in appearance, or even with being overweight, but I think for me my disgust might stem from internal frustration that I am projecting onto them.
I've always been attracted to very girly-girls, girls who wear makeup (especially eye makeup) and have pretty long hair and like shopping and cute clothes, etc.. Moreover, I'm not attracted to overweight girls (a little cute cherub-like pudge is okay, like baby fat, but I don't find fat girls attractive, usually). But I feel like I have such a hard time finding this within my own community, because it seems most lesbians are overweight and there are not a lot of very feminine lesbians, even though I seem to find non-overweight, feminine straight girls EVERYWHERE.
I think part of it is taking the easy way out. I think that's why a lot (but not all) of bi girls end up with men in the end, because it's just so much easier to deal with in our society. Well, I don't like men. A piece of me wished I DID like men so I wouldn't have to deal with any of it anymore. I was jealous of the bi girls who could CHOOSE to be with men to not have to deal with being a lesbian, when I had no choice, imprisoned by my own desires. So I felt like the easiest way to be "free of it" would be to be a straight girl on the outside, lesbian on the inside. A lot of straight guys find the stereotypical overweight butch disgusting, and I think a lot of my fear has stemmed from this, from the thought of having other people look at me and think this way about me, because I have always based my own self-worth on how others feel about me (which is NOT GOOD, I know!) so if I looked like that stereotype, I felt like that would make me unattractive because society has deemed it so. I felt like if I didn't look in a way that would make straight men find me attractive, I was ugly.
So I began running away from the stereotype. I started paying attention to how I dress, I started to wear makeup, and then even started losing weight (I lost weight for a variety of reasons but one of them was definitely to look more like a normal straight girl). I do certainly feel a LOT more comfortable this way, though I'm not sure if it's because it reflects the inner me, or because I don't have to deal with looking like a lesbian (and being judged as such). I think for me, a lot of my own disgust towards butch women is a reflection of my own feelings of self-worth. It's not fair at all, and I feel badly about it, so it's just a demon that I have to face.
So yes, in a way, I understand how you feel. I feel guilty on passing this kind of judgment on other lesbians (honestly, who am I to judge!) and I've been trying to dig deep inside and that's how I realized that a lot of my disgust towards them is because of my OWN fear of being like them because I am so afraid of being judged negatively by others. I think for you, you are probably seeing these overweight people and feeling frustration because you knew that you used to be like them, and perhaps at the time felt unable to do anything about your weight, just like they feel now, so you start to feel annoyed because they are a reflection of what you used to be, and it forces you to see yourself (at least the old you!) in a new light. I think it's a very human emotion and the best way to conquer it might be to remind yourself that you ARE different now and the demons that may have haunted you in the past are quickly fading now. Who you were then has no bearing on who you are now. You are YOU and those overweight loved ones are THEM, and they might be in a different stage in their life now than you are now, but all you can really do is love and accept them for who they are and try to show them that it IS possible to change, so that maybe they too might one day be able to successfully lose weight too.
Wow, this got really long... I apologize for that.
Meg-Thanks so much for your response. It was cool that you were able to relate to me, even from a completely different situation. And I think you are right (and others who have mentioned the same theory)...that I am more disgusted with that reflection of myself than anything...
Kap-I'm going to read those books, for sure. My mom and I actually had a long...discussion last night and I found myself thinking about some of the things you said. Unfortunately, she and I have a really difficult time just talking without fighting and I wasn't able to make her understand my concern...she almost seems okay with the choices she's making (food and otherwise) and that's hard for me to accept because I feel like so many of them are harmful.
Mathgirl-Thank you, too, for being able to understand my perspective. And you're right...I can understand why some on this site would be sensitive to what I said initially...no one likes to be judged, including myself, and I think as overweight people, we tend to be pretty protective of each other. And I'm definitely sympathetic to the weight struggle...I'm just really trying to get a handle on these overwhelming negative feelings.
Thanks everyone! I really love this site more every day...
I believe alot of that comes from losing weight. Honestly, if you think about it, once we become more aware of healthy eating habits, diseases that can kill you for being overweight, how fat affects every part of your life, you are more apt to feel that disgust towards others, especially that you care about. You don't want them to end up like those stories you have read on the internet and in the news.
I think we can also look at this in a psychological sort of way, your disgusted by those people because you realized that they were you at one point. You see these larger people scarfing down fast food and wearing nothing but spandex and purposely riding around in scooters at places like Wal-mart and K-mart etc, and it just disgusts you that, at one point in your life, that could have been you. But now that we made the choice to change, we find it so sad and even disgusting that others live their lives as lazily as possible.
I think it makes us more aware of how sad our world is coming to when we realize that our countries are purposely making things easier on us, which is then allowing us to become overweight more easier.
It disgusts us that its actually harder to lose the weight then to gain it.
I know it's very common for people who are "reborn" - stopped smoking, or recovering alcoholics and so on - to become, at least for a while, much more intolerant toward those who havent' yet "seen the light". Even in religion, new converts (to any religion) are often more fanatical than the people who were born to it and thus have more of the missionary urge.
Thicknpretty,
I too understand where you're coming from. Though not necessarily with all people just extremely overweight people. I haven't hit my goal yet and am still what most people would consider a big girl, but sometimes I just see people and am like "Oh wow..." before looking down at my legs and pulling at my shirt to make sure its not doing what chick overthere's outfit is doing. Anyways, I don't think you're alone. Re the overweight guy, honestly, I refuse to date "fat" guys. Atleast guys in the fat out of shape sense. Overweight guys in the "I'm a college lineman sense"? Sure. Have and would continue to if the right guy came along. I think mine has to do with activity level. I can deal with a fit overweight guy, as that's how I see myself but total couch potatoes? Not a chance. i guess with the dating deal, its all a matter of preference and if you're not into that, then don't date him. On the people on the street side, we need to control feelings and give them the botd because if other people are noticing someone's fat, you can bet they already know and just haven't done anything yet. I'm sorry if this makes no sense but reader's digest version: you're not alone.
I completely relate to that feeling of anger and disgust towards your mother! My mom has been about 150 pounds overweight or more as long as I can remember, and my abusive father always drilled it into our heads that we didn't want to "end up like mom." Unfortunately, that wasn't the right approach, and my two sisters and I ALL eventually ended up obese, just like her. I think there is a lot of anger toward her for not choosing to improve herself for the sake of her children. She didn't care enough to set a good example for us, and that, coupled with the fact she never rescued us from an abusive father, breeds a LOT of resentment.
The only thing I can do, myself, is lead HER by example. I am making excellent choices, setting a good example for my two boys, and though I may never be as skinny as I would like, I will be as healthy as possible from this day forward. I keep her appraised of all of my success, and I hope she will feel inspired by it.
In regards to the young man in question, I was completely turned off by my husband when I first met him because he was overweight. Isn't that awful? But as time went on and we came to be friends, I found myself attracted to him. Our food choices has him at only 15 pounds overweight now, and he's the sexiest thing on earth, lol.
