Thin Guilt

Stella · 08-04-2009, 04:38 PM

Thank you for this thread - it`s a big issue for me, too, at th emoment, as my weight loss is becoming noticeable. I have been eagerly awaiting this stage, but with it comes embarrassment and guilt from within myself as well as attention and envy from others.

I do, for example, feel that I have betrayed those other fat girls with whom I used to ***** about other women and dream about a better body (and then go on to share another packet of biscuits). I now feel uncomfortable listening to them talking about weight things as I myself am approaching BMI25.

At the beginning I had to restrain myself and not to broadcast my regime (I was so enthusiastic about it) and now I wish that they would not ask because I somehow do no longer want to share it.

It`s the weirdest thing, and boy, was I longing for that: "Have you lost weight?" Some don`t ask but they stare and treat me with such contempt that it can only be envy.

BKKchick · 08-04-2009, 04:50 PM

Thanks for sharing Stella. I am dreading the, "Have you lost weight?" question at work tomorrow (first day back after summer vacation).

Stella · 08-04-2009, 05:02 PM

I know. I`m talking about work, too. Still, none those who are close to me ask, but I see them stare. They are not happy...

I had not told them about my regime because we had all promised such dramatic weight loss which then never happened. TO me, it was starting to feel childish, but no doubt they may think I was being "sneaky" about it. Weired species, we women are...

iaradajnos · 08-05-2009, 09:19 AM

I continue to work with practising to assert my needs without asserting myself. It's good to be healthy. It's good to feel good. It's good to exercise and make healthy food choices. I have been seeing a more confident me in different situations. It's good. It is also being sure of my goal. I know that 138 is a healthy weight.

I wonder about my co-workers and family friends who actually aren't familiar with what healthy eating and weight look like.

I've been told that I shouldn't try to lose any MORE weight. In years past, people would tell me my kids were really skinny and picky eaters. But my kids are 50th percentile for weight and height (right in the middle, average). They prefer raw tofu, raw cauliflower, raw broccoli and plain salads. I wouldn't call it picky just really healthy. My familiy is harder to be around as guests or joining with friends to a restaurant because we don't eat heavy food and I'm vegetarian. So, the resistance I'm getting is from folks who want me to join back in on the feeding frenzy and glutony.

At the office, I'm seeing the impact of folks who participated in our office-wide scheme for weight loss effort this past Jan through May. However, I was the only one who lost weight. There are now trays for meetings that have low-fat muffins and smaller pieces of cake when we used to have veges and fruit. Office folks are still hopeful--low-fat and smaller portions--but are sneaking in stuff. Everyone is now used to me eating my meals at 10am and 2pm no matter what; not eating offered foods at meetings or parties--no matter what.

Lately, people just say "ya, you lost weight but you're different and have a special method". So, I'm at a lose as to what to say now. I actually deflect, minimize success and just keep it private. No sharing because I feel like I'll have people tell me I'm getting too skinny, too difficult to be around, or using "Gandhi-like" powers that no one else can follow.

BKKchick · 08-05-2009, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iaradajnos

So, the resistance I'm getting is from folks who want me to join back in on the feeding frenzy and glutony
...

I actually deflect, minimize success and just keep it private. No sharing because I feel like I'll have people tell me I'm getting too skinny, too difficult to be around, or using "Gandhi-like" powers that no one else can follow.

Very true! I've actually gotten heat for my weight goal on other forums, where people are supposed to be supportive, or at least better informed! 110 is too low for someone who is 5'7" maybe, but I am barely 5'1"

I think that's part of it for me, actually. 110 sounds really low, almost sickly thin in my brain because for the "average" person it is, so I have to remind myself that for me, it's a healthy weight. "BMI 20.8" sounds much better, so maybe that's what I'll start saying rather than the scale weight!

I actually had a great day at work today though. I was nervous about the questions, but other than a few, "Oooh, you look great!" comments, it went fine. I have a running partner now, too! Two of my friends walked right past me twice at different times though, which was hilarious

iaradajnos · 08-05-2009, 10:49 AM

I agree with the BMI idea. I had originally planned to try to get to mid-BMI (128 pounds) but had so many reactions. I thought, I'd at least consider whether it made sense. Part of the issue is that most people are taller than me (well there are also folks your and my height) and who aren't very thoughtful about all that is related to different body types/needs. I looked up on-line and saw the Willoughby athletic weight/waist. I thought I'd try to get to that goal (i.e., 138) and see how that feels. My main/original goal was to relieve pain in my knees. I'm bouncy now and have no general pain--unless carrying a 10pound bag. I thought I'd try maintenance for 6 months a 138 to see how things are, celebrate having met my original weight loss goal and then some (originally 145 pounds), and take a break. I heard about the 6 months cycle for the body and being able to work at weight loss for about that much time for success dips. So, I'll take a break and see where I'm at.

starfishkitty · 08-05-2009, 05:25 PM

This is a really good thread..... but I'm glad that I read it! I realize now that I'm probably going to have to look ahead to these kinds of things and thoughts, because I'm already starting to get random moments like this. Like, for instance, a cute little top that I bought over six months ago to wear when I went out when I lost a little weight.... well, apparently, it seems I've blasted right past that size and it's now already way too big for me. Kinda sad.... but... happy, at the same time. Confused.

Kinda the same thing happened to me when my brother's dad took ill and then passed, so he moved in with me and I was working non-stop between a 40+ hour a week job (and midnights at that) AND getting him to and from school more than half the week..... when he got his diploma, I was so proud watching him walk across that stage.... but at the same time, I felt this crazy sense of loss and disorientation in my life because I'd reached my goal of seeing him graduated. *sigh* I think I'll probably feel the same with the weight loss....

But, I think the goal thing, and then the replacing of goals.... will do the trick for me. Right now I'm working on getting healthy and getting to that goal weight, as well as a trip I'm making in December... but after that I need to work on going back and finishing up my degree, etc. I guess if you keep yourself busy, and goal oriented.... and ENJOY what you've accomplished... it'll work out.

Stella · 08-07-2009, 04:38 PM

Great that your first school day went fine, BKKChick!

It`s usually people who are large and unhealthy themselves who pass comments like that your gw is too low or try to tempt you back into your old was. It`s easy to see through, though: they`ll be annoyed that they cannot do it for themselves and seem to think: "If I cannot do it, nobody should!" It`s a shame really, if only they allowed themselves to be inspired...

giselley · 08-07-2009, 10:49 PM

I'd just get over it A complement is not always jealousy. Envy might be that you are effecting these other girls to help improve themselves. The health benifits of being at the right weight are proven and the detriment to being overweight is proven. I'd say don't concern your self with what other people think. All you can be is tolerant, and compassonate toward others, you can't dictate what they should look like.

Lori Bell · 08-08-2009, 05:38 PM

Great thread. Wow...something has been going on with me the last week or so (binging & anxiety etc.) and I was blaming it on PMS, but that's over and it's still here. Thankfully I get it together for a few days between pig-out sessions to keep my weight steady but I just feel weird--out of control. Thursday night we went to the county fair, and I saw A LOT of people in whom I haven't seen for ages. (We spend most of our free time at my husbands elderly parents home in the city, so we don't really go out often to large local events except for school functions, ball games etc.) I had forgotten the amount of obesity in the area. I truly felt like the circus side show act. The looks and whispers were more than I could take. I had an anxiety attack. I feel guilty, I feel empty, I keep trying to fill the void, and food is not doing the trick. (As IF!)

I don't know how many times I have told people here at 3FC not to worry about what others think, and I am sorry I have ever seemed so blunt about something so emotional. Ugh. Anyway, I wish weight, (big or small) wasn't such a huge social topic. I just wish I could move to a town were nobody ever knew I was so fat.

Stella · 08-09-2009, 09:41 AM

It is a huge social topic, indeed. I have felt time and time again through my yo-yo dieting that people who only ever knew me as slim OR fat reacted differently to my shape and style of eating (they accepted it as just being me) than those who saw me gain, lose or both.

People who are "just slim" seem to be more readily accepted for their shape than people who used to be larged and lost weight.

It should not be an issue at all, yet, I find myself noticing that about my own reaction to people, too. If they have slimmed down, I feel they have accomplised something, but if they have always been slim I don`t (even if they use a trendemous amount of discipline to maintain their figure).

iaradajnos · 08-09-2009, 07:08 PM

I'm trying to really figure this out. I'm flirtting with a new maintenance level. I bought a new scale and weighed myself on Friday early am. I was pleased to be only four pounds from goal.

By email, my sisters want to know if they'll even recognize me when I get home for vacation in a couple weeks.

That evening, I took my kids out for dinner and purposely ordered a sub without mayo and a side of two pickle spears (normally estimated as 500 calories and too much for one meal). I thought it'd be nice since I'm so close to goal.

My little son ordered buffalo wings with a small fry. He ended up with 10 way too salty/spicy wings and a huge order of fries.

I nibbled, then joined, then took over for him, then wouldn't share. Hmmm. I've been working on my "inability to share food with my kids". Guess it's still around. By the way, I'm also 99% vegetarian (mostly because I abuse meat with too much sauce and am completely happy with vegetarian life).

I took the kids afterwards to the ice cream shop and had a medium hard yogurt. The little one couldn't finish his, ... so I finished for him.

In the morning, I totally worked out and stayed on plan. I didn't feel so bad since I felt more able to have a "high day" as long as I balance with a companion day of a "low day" and lots of energy use. I was thinking that I was more or less alright. Hey, I'm almost at GOAL!

Today I weighed again and am now eight pounds from maintenance. I'm assuming that the too salty wings helped with water retention plus I'm getting my period.

Now the philosophical is turning to sincere regret.

But today we had guests. My husband and I love to cook for friends. He cooks meat dishes and various foods from his country. I make vegetarian options based on his country's cuisine with my own interpretations. So my husband and guests ate tons of rice, goat meat, and sampled my dishes. I made a vegetarian entree (curried beans and mushroom) that had the same spices as their goat meat version. For a rice "substitute", I made a very light curried tomatoe and tossed in a whole bag of bean sprouts at the end. I plated out a pile of raw spinach, dished out a cup of bean sprouts and added the bean/mushroom entre. I was so pleased with the delicious food, ate a very good size portion, and stayed within 300 calories--easily.

So, I'm trying to figure out--am I ready for maintenance or not? I need to always remember that I DO have control. I also have to be able to balance in a treat or high cal food with higher activities/lower cal foods. Finally, I need to continue the LIFESTYLE I've been practising for six plus months.

Stay tuned for another episode of...As the Maintainer Maintains...da dammmmm da da.

carobell · 08-23-2009, 04:19 PM

This is such a great thread.

I do feel weirdly guilty about losing weight. I've always been overweight, so being thinner, having people notice and comment on it embarrasses me. I'm proud, I'm happy, but I'm struggling with how much more comfortable and safe I felt when I was heavier. Unhappy perhaps, but safe.

The office environment that I work in is mainly older women, and mainly older women who are struggling with their weight the same way I am. I feel guilty to be losing weight, to be succeeding at it, when they are not. I don't want to feel guilty and also I don't want to feel competitive about it. The only person I need to focus on is myself.

I think weight loss is something that if you're really going to do, you need to be selfish about.

devadiva · 08-23-2009, 06:03 PM

I feel guilt about being thin but I also work very very hard to say that way I exercise many hours aday and eat very clean. What kaind of bugs me are the people that seem to say nothing or act like they see no difference in me? I lost 45 lbs and went from a couch potatoe to a p90x touting 57 yr bikini able to wear women{not that I am running around in one}. I live in an area where smoking drinking and gambling is prevalinte and I do NONE of those things I am not sure if Nothing is said because of JEALOUSY or what {just kinda bugs me THANKS TO ALL OF YOU AT 3fc you all help my confidence.

Stella · 08-28-2009, 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carobell

I think weight loss is something that if you're really going to do, you need to be selfish about.

Definitely. I, too, feel guilty at times that I`m succeeding while others don`t, but then again, it`s not my fault that they, for whateer reason, are not losing.

Also, for years and years, I was them and they were me. Maybe, the one or other felt guilty towards me but it never stopped them from losing, and damn right it has not!

We are only responsible for ourselves and not for other people.

Stella