Today is just one of those days where I just hate being me. I've been on a diet on and off for like over a year now. I just can't seem to stick with it. I've regained weight but refuse to change the ticker because I'm determined to get back to 156 (currently sitting at 157-for a week now).
Some days I look in the mirror and I see progress. Other days I look in the mirror and I see nothing. Some days I look in the mirror and I think I look pretty, other days I look in the mirror and I just feel like crying. When I go out with friends, I never get hit on. Every other girl that I go out with, gets hit on, has guys buy her drinks, etc. It makes me feel like absolute crap!
I've never had a serious boyfriend. Guys that I like just don't like me back like that. The only guys who have ever asked me out are guys I would NEVER date (at least 30 years older than me, fresh out of jail, etc). And the truth is, I'm so ashamed of my body, even if a guy I really did like asked me out, I wouldn't know what to do. And I don't think that will ever go away. I will forever have stretch marks (large and ALL over my thighs, boobs, and hips).
And I hate that when I try to explain how I feel to my friends, they just tell me I'm crazy, that I'm gorgeous, etc. I get that they're trying to be supportive and they love me no matter what. But the problem is that I just want them to be honest and not worry so much about hurting my feelings. I don't know if this makes sense...it's kind of just a long rant and maybe me just feeling sorry for myself and having an off day (though truth be told I feel like this most days). I wasn't even sure if this was the right place to post this, but it's me dealing with body issues, right?
first of all and another one.. ... but now onto some tough love..
I completely relate to how you feel. I have stretch marks all over my arms (so i'm the girl in the dead heat of august wearing a cardigan over her tank top)..and my stomach.. which even beyond the fat is what makes me hate HATE hate taking my shirt off in front of bf. AND THERE ARE DEFINITELY DAYS WHEN I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T DO THIS. Especially recently because after working out like a maniac and eating like a saint i finally got down to 141... only to get really sick... miss the gym for a week and eat whatever and be back to 144. it may not sound like much to some people but my body does not like to go under 140 so it was very tough for me to get down there and climbing back up was a HUGE hit for me. So I went through exactly what you are going through. Dwelling on the stretch marks.. feeling just depressed and discouraged and well YOU KNOW. But then I told myself what I've been telling myself to get my *** into gear... which is.. do i want to spend my life being victim? Crying over what i cant do whats too hard about stretch markks!!!??? I mean yeah it sucks there are lots of beautiful people who DONT have to worry about this sh*t but there are also people with actual difficult circumstances out there.. people with cancer or physical disabilities and MUCH MUCH WORSE.. am i really whining about stretch marks and 20 lbs? WTF! I know it can seem like the whole world.. but when we get like that its really really important to pull yourself our of your little box and really look at the big picture. At 5'7" and 150's you're NOT FAT. And you're very pretty, and if guys arent hitting on you..beyond just coincidence the only thing that might be playing a factor could be that your friends are projecting fun happy confident vibes while you're projecting "**** ive gained a pound and i have stretch marks anyway". DO you know what I mean?
So yes.. please stop feeling sorry for yourself and be a freaking WARRIOR! be strong! dont buy the hype. THe system is set up for us women to walk around beating ourselves up FOR EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING! Do you want to be a victim to that? Or do you want to empower yourself and say screw that I'm awesome, I'm strong and I can deal with this and MUCH MUCH MORE. giving a world a big middle finger is sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself. But maybe thats just the New Yorker in me.
Hope all of that ranting helped. and in case i was kinda mean.. here's another one...
NOW STOP IT! keep your chin up! and your eye on the prize.
first of all and another one.. ... but now onto some tough love..
I completely relate to how you feel. I have stretch marks all over my arms (so i'm the girl in the dead heat of august wearing a cardigan over her tank top)..and my stomach.. which even beyond the fat is what makes me hate HATE hate taking my shirt off in front of bf. AND THERE ARE DEFINITELY DAYS WHEN I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T DO THIS. Especially recently because after working out like a maniac and eating like a saint i finally got down to 141... only to get really sick... miss the gym for a week and eat whatever and be back to 144. it may not sound like much to some people but my body does not like to go under 140 so it was very tough for me to get down there and climbing back up was a HUGE hit for me. So I went through exactly what you are going through. Dwelling on the stretch marks.. feeling just depressed and discouraged and well YOU KNOW. But then I told myself what I've been telling myself to get my *** into gear... which is.. do i want to spend my life being victim? Crying over what i cant do whats too hard about stretch markks!!!??? I mean yeah it sucks there are lots of beautiful people who DONT have to worry about this sh*t but there are also people with actual difficult circumstances out there.. people with cancer or physical disabilities and MUCH MUCH WORSE.. am i really whining about stretch marks and 20 lbs? WTF! I know it can seem like the whole world.. but when we get like that its really really important to pull yourself our of your little box and really look at the big picture. At 5'7" and 150's you're NOT FAT. And you're very pretty, and if guys arent hitting on you..beyond just coincidence the only thing that might be playing a factor could be that your friends are projecting fun happy confident vibes while you're projecting "**** ive gained a pound and i have stretch marks anyway". DO you know what I mean?
So yes.. please stop feeling sorry for yourself and be a freaking WARRIOR! be strong! dont buy the hype. THe system is set up for us women to walk around beating ourselves up FOR EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING! Do you want to be a victim to that? Or do you want to empower yourself and say screw that I'm awesome, I'm strong and I can deal with this and MUCH MUCH MORE. giving a world a big middle finger is sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself. But maybe thats just the New Yorker in me.
Hope all of that ranting helped. and in case i was kinda mean.. here's another one...
NOW STOP IT! keep your chin up! and your eye on the prize.
A lot of women have stretch marks. I know we are constantly bombarded by images of smooth skinned women and we think that's the norm - that is AIRBRUSHING. While I am sure there are some non stretch marked women around (and I salute their genetic luck!) most women have stretchmarks - not from obesity, but from puberty or childbirth. I have huge stretchmarks on my hips, looks like 4 tiger claw marks, from the top of my hip to the bottom. Was it from being fat? No, that was from becoming a woman - puberty stretchmarks I got at a relatively slender teenager. I have faint silver stretchmarks on my boobs and stomach as well and I accept them - they aren't going ANYWHERE. THIS is my body, I have the same shape I had when I was heavy, I am just smaller. Still a pear, still big thighs and a curved belly. But also, beautiful legs, nice throat, gorgeous back - I am my positives and negatives just like every other woman.
You are NORMAL. And let me tellya, men just love naked women. A sexy, enthusiastic woman will get a guy's motor running and he will NOT be ticking off "big thighs, stretchmarks, saggy boobs" he WON'T. Women are so hard on ourselves, but we don't have to be.
Great advice so far rachie from women who know. As for the "not getting hit on"- I went through the same mental drama in my 20's when I thought everyone looked better than me even though I was at a great weight for my body. First of all, guys out in bars are usually "on the make", drinking or even drugging, and not exactly looking for their soulmate. I could never figure it out- even a friend with true physical visible defects was getting neck rubs, while I felt like the 3rd wheel. In hindsight I know that I was not confident, and projected this shield of self-protection. Many of us who are overweight have been hurt by others (snide and cruel remarks, etc.) and we learn to protect ourselves. The more you can learn to love and accept yourself, the more you will in fact attract the right kind of attention. Hugs and good wishes!
Glory is spot on (as usual). You do not need to worry. Guys don't even notice. Really. They can't even tell you what color your eyes are, let alone if you have stretch marks or not
I've been married 30 years to the same person, and I doubt he could tell you which of my "girls" has a mole, let alone stretch marks
It sounds to me like you have some confidence issues (which I am familiar with as well, trust me). Some days, I too feel like I am actually getting somewhere with my weight and I feel good; other days, I just feel like crap about my body. But as I have been taking care of my body, it has become much easier to see the GOOD aspects of myself, appreciate them, and learn to love my body the way it is and what it can do for me. I think that accepting yourself is the first step....recognize that you are not perfect, but no one is. It sounds cliche, but you need to learn to love yourself before you can expect others to do the same.
In this case, I would recommend the "fake it until you make it" method! Every day, take a minute to reflect on what you like about yourself and what makes you confident (which doesn't have to be physical). Just PRETENDING to have confidence can eventually turn into REAL confidence, and that is what attracts other people to you. I have the same issue - I don't usually feel like the most gorgeous girl in the room, but I think I can be reasonably attractive. So it's not "being ugly" that drives guys away - it's my attitude. When I am shy and withdrawn, it appears that I have no interest in talking to guys. However, if I act more confident I get better results. When you are out with your friends, do you ever approach anyone? Or do you let them do the talking? Make sure you radiate a more confident vibe by smiling, introducing yourself to people you don't know, dancing, etc.
It's obvious from your profile pic that you ARE beautiful, but you yourself need to believe it!
As for the stretch marks, I am pretty sure that 90% of us have them (including me). But guys could not care less about those "battle scars"....and if they do, they are definitely too shallow to deserve you.
I feel you, girl. Really. I have never been thin in my life. And I was only "normal" for about a month. And even in that month, I just spent the whole time hating my body. I thought the same way you did about why I didn't have a boyfriend or ever get hit on, but, I came to realize that it really doesn't matter what I look like, it was because I wasn't confident enough. Once I stopped caring about what everyone else thought about me and just basically gave up on trying to impress people, I found out that I can pretty much have or do anything I want. It's not about what I look like, it's about so much more. Confidence is sexy.
But I do understand, because I still feel this horrible depression sometimes when looking in the mirror. It doesn't matter if I weigh 100 pounds or 290 pounds, I still only see a distuging blob staring back at me. That's only half the time, though. The other half of the time, I am a gorgeous goddess and I wonder who wouldn't want me. I'm that way about everything. I've seen doctors about it and I've tried to just "get over it." But it haunts me. I've found I feel the most down on myself when I'm not doing anything. As long as I've eaten something healthy or exercised, I feel great. Weird.
So, keeping busy and keeping at it--having goals--really works for me. Other than that, maybe you should seek a psychiatrist. Some people get offended by that, but I respect psychology deeply, so, coming from me, it's just an option.
On top of all of that, if your avatar is a photo of you, you are beautiful. Just had to add that in there.
My mother was extremely beautiful; like, 99th percentile, dead ringer for Marilyn Monroe, when I was growing up (she's still lovely as she ages). My sister was just as beautiful in her own way...in beauty pageants, etc., when we were in high school. Everyone always thought she and I were fraternal twins (we are only 14 months apart in age).
I always thought I was the ugly one...she got all the looks, I got all the brains. I didn't think we looked very much alike, people just got us confused because we were the same height, eye color, hair color...same last name.
I went for YEARS, well, I just turned 40, so I really went for most of 39 years thinking I was butt-ugly. Stayed in a horrible marriage for 14 years til he divorced me because of this.
I finally started trying to deliberately improve my self-image and self-esteem last year...and...wow. It took about six months to really see an improvement, but in that time, I finally realized a lot of stuff about myself.
The ugly? It was all in my head. I look at pictures of my sister and me now and we really DID look like twins. She did her hair and wore makeup, I didn't. But we had the same bone structure, etc. I just always felt ugly...but I wasn't.
Before I married, every single man who showed interest in me (there was a brief time I dated around in college but I married my HS sweetheart), I always thought there was something really wrong with them for being interested in me. Basically every one of them (10-ish) went on and on about how beautiful I was...I thought they were all sorry lying losers. Really! But, again, I look at old pictures...wow, I was a knockout, even as a size 18/20/22.
In the last few months, my self esteem has really improved, and I now have a totally different self image. I did it without therapy although it probably would have been easier with therapy. There are a lot of great self-help books out there, as well as positive self-talk audio CDs with affirmations. I really recommend that you get some...they help A LOT!
It's nice to look in a mirror and not hate what you see...and it feels good to accept rather than deflect compliments, and to believe they're actually true.
I didn't get any attention from boys until I was 17, and I mean any. Guys would avoid eye contact, they wouldn't be friendly at all, male cashiers wouldn't greet me the way they did everyone else.
When I was 17, I did meet a guy and ended up dating him. I thought I found love, my future husband, etc. He treated me like crap, and I took it all because I didn't want to be alone. Then there was another guy, then another. Through all that, I still am a virgin. I was to embarrassed to ever get naked, which made my boyfriends even angrier.
A lot of guys think fat girls (I don't mean you, you're not that big IMO) are good for only one thing. I see so many young women buy into that. They'll go down on a guy, give him money and food, and treat him like a king. Then he'll turn around and romance a thin girl, giving her all the love and attention the fat girl should have got.
My last breakup was particularly hard so I just swore off men. I meant it. I have enough things in my life to worry about.
I know if I got someone, I'd probably attract another loser. He'd treat me like crap. My self-esteem would be even lower.
I don't think having a relationship is as important as it seems. I think so many people put their identity in another person. They're no longer Mary (example name), they're Austin's girlfriend.
When Austin leaves, where does that leave them? Who are they?
Where I live, so many girls get married young and have 2-3 kids by the time they're my age. That's good for a lot of people, but for a lot of people I don't think it's smart. I've talked to so many older women who wish they had waited, not gotten married so young, not had children so young, etc.
So the way I see it, I don't need a relationship right now. When I feel more comfortable with myself, maybe I'll have the skills needed to find a man who *deserves* me.
So this is my year. I have plenty in the future to share with others.
This isn't really helpful advice, I just could relate to the guy part.
At 5'7" and 157 you probably already look marvolous. It sounds like you need a booast in the ol self esteam. I know thats easy to say I have always had issues myself. But by your picture you are beutiful if you can PUT out some CONFIDENCE the guys you want would be flocking you! Guys DO NOT NOTICE STRETCH MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are to busy with the SEX!!!
I relate to pretty much everything you said. But as many of the girls here have mentioned, confidence is key. And it can be hard to come by. But sometimes when you fake it you start to believe it. For the past 2 years, not one person had hit on me, not even the creepy older guys. When I started losing weight, even though I'm soooo far from comfortable with my body, that little shred of confidence that i gained radiated. After 2 years of nothing, 2 guys hit on me in one week! Still not the guys I want to date but I'll take the compliment and consider it a start. Point is, we all have our bad days (or years) where we feel like sh**. But when you catch yourself feeling like that. Try to concentrate on what you do like about yourself, or what you've done that you are proud of. No one else has to know the craziness that's in your head. If you come off as happy, people will want to be around you, and then you really will be happy!
I knew a girl who was thin but downright homely. We'd go out and she flirted with guys and got dates and business cards. She was a bit easy I guess... but man you knew when she walked in to a room. She oozed self confidence, & acted like she was HOT! She was a magnet and guys were drawn to her like flies.
Remember that guys aren't perfect either! (My DH has stretch marks!) For all you know, guys are intimidated by your beauty, and feel unworthy of your attention. Have you ever tried to make the 1st move? It can be very empowering!
One final word... I met my DH faaar from my usual drinking holes. Maybe the type of guys who hang out at these places aren't your type anyway..? Just a thought.
You've come a long way baby! Treat yourself kindly, you deserve it!!
lol @ sugarhabit I think a lot of new yorkers or people who move to new york develop that i don't care and "if you got a problem with me keep it movin attitude". I think if anything - you are going about it all wrong measuring your self worth through what men think. that is a BIG MISTAKE. Guys take advantage of women with low self esteem and that is why many women with low self esteem end up in abusive relationships. Your self worth/self confidence needs to come from you - you need to know that you are beautiful and own it! I mean come on look at how many celebs are actually even 'pretty' -- many of them just exude self confidence which makes them 'pretty'. My bff from undergrad is a successful model for elite model management and she used to be overweight before she slimmed down but anyway she also had HUGE self confidence issues, she didn't dress up because she just wanted to disappear into the background and not be noticed, in college she had trouble fitting in and being 'accepted' and this was tough for her emotionally and put her self esteem at an all time low because she was constantly judged and allowed for others to define her self worth. Anyway in the end after we graduated she got 'discovered' I guess and was immediately signed to Elite. Anyway she has really become confident and strong now and the advice she gave to me was that you really need to put yourself first and don't let others actions define how you view yourself and take care of yourself and love yourself and surround yourself with friends that are truly supportive. I feel you need to just learn to develop greater self love. And like my friends say if somebody can't appreciate you then tell em to KEEP it MOVIN!
I used to really have a self love issue because high school was a really awkward time for me --- but my awkwardness changed when I got to college and I sometimes would even have complete strangers say to me oh you are really pretty, and when really good looking guys would try to talk to me when I was in college I pushed them away with my negative attitude because I was having a hard time believing they were interested in me. But it finally clicked I guess when one day one of my guy friends was like you are a stunner but you need to smile more. I realized my attitude was a big turn off and I learned to love myself regardless. I do not want to waste any more time in my life feeling sorry for myself. Don't defer your life - love yourself to the fullest.
You look absolutely gorgeous! Just love yourself first!! Forget everybody else. I honestly could care less if anyone tells me I don't look good because in my eyes I am a QUEEN and I won't let anyone judge me.
I'm so not the person to say this, but you've got to start loving yourself first. Seriously the energy you put out is more then you realize and guys do pick up on it.
(um, I spent the first 24 years of my life absolutly disgusted with myself, I had never been hit on, outside of being made fun of. Some at my hw, some at a fairly decent looking weight) It's such a shame that I held myself down for so long.
The way you think about yourself doesnt sound very kind -- one helpful way to look at it maybe to be as gracious to yourself as you would be to a stranger. I know I used to be super mean to myself.. it was some brutal internal dialogue. I may not be the hottest thing now but I am soooo freaking proud of myself and confident that it doesnt matter to me.
Getting it off my chest...
and another one.. 
Just a thought. 
Treat yourself kindly, you deserve it!!
