Weight loss and attitude towards cute guys?

Cali Doll · 08-03-2009, 10:38 PM

I was going to post this very same topic. Yes, I know exactly how you feel! It's like you become sympathetic to the Fat You. You get angry at the guys who are now chasing after you because they weren't around (or around as much) when you were bigger.

I am going through this every day now.

But, I do also agree with the person that said it's probably not just your weight that's changed. Your attitude and confidence have probably changed as well...and *that* is extremely attractive to people. I try really hard not to be judgmental towards guys who are giving me (more) attention now. But, a part of me will always be protective of Fat Me...and that part tends to get angry at these guys...

Hamoco350 · 09-23-2009, 12:25 AM

Well, I've always been fat. And I've never been in a relationship. I guess I should put two and two together, but geeze - it's hard to admit that my physical appearance keeps the boys away!

I've kinda stayed in the shadows and really held back because of my weight. I wasn't the girl in school who got asked out - I was the girl who got picked on. The girl who couldn't run that fast in gym, so NO ONE wanted me as a partner. The girl who was afraid to eat lunch, because she felt everyone was judging her food choices..

And even now, I have no luck with men. I really feel like I have a good personality, but it just never works out for me.

jessx22 · 09-27-2009, 05:00 PM

When I lost a significant amount of when I was 17 or so, my best guy friend at the time referred to me as “hot” and when I asked why he had never referred to me as that before he replied that not only had my body changed, but the way he saw me did. It kinda ticked me off, but then I realized the rest of the world was the same. He wasn’t particularly shallow, but he wasn’t the deepest river in the world either!

I didn’t have boys like me when I was a kid like all the other little girls did because of the way I saw myself. When I started liking me for who I was that changed. Since then (which I guess was about when I turned 15 or so) I had boys pay attention to me and I always felt awkward about it. I’ll be 23 in a month and I am still just as awkward when it comes to the attention of men. I don’t get hit on ALL the time, but it does happen and I don’t know how to react. Part of me is asking the question of whether or not they like me for my dazzling personality (LoL) and aren’t all that attracted to me physically, or if they might be a chubby chaser or something.

And then there is the “nasty voice.” The nasty voice in my head that asks whether this guy feels sorry for me or if he is pulling some kind of joke. And the nasty voice also judges the guy. The nasty voice seems to think that there is something wrong with this guy because he can’t see all of the flaws that I can plainly see. That EVERYONE should be able to see. I guess we are our own worst critic. This is something that I am working on.

So I can totally relate. The way the world perceives us in unfortunately directly related (and in some cases solely based upon) our looks. But confidence does have a lot to do with it. Dating to me is risky business, but if you find a guy worth taking a risk on then consider yourself lucky. I haven’t been able to find him yet! I always think of a quote from the show Sex and The City “The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

katkitten · 11-11-2009, 11:35 PM

hahahaha about the stupid test! =0) I'm curious if it will change things for me. I have this problem. I am the "chum". Twice now Ive become really close to a guy (to the point where we are hanging out constantly) and then i fall for him and try to flirt and he gets freaked out and so i back away and then he is upset because he "misses" me and "we have so much in common" and "have so much fun together" but he still only wants friendship and i say "well, then, what are you looking for in a woman if it is not those things?" and things get wierd and eventually we lose touch in real life and become merely "facebook friends". This has happened with 2 different guys.
It's possible my weight loss will mean nothing to those guys. but i cant help wondering...what if?....and....if so: what would I do about it? get annoyed? shrug it off and date them anyways?

ThicknPretty · 11-12-2009, 10:50 AM

I totally, totally know what you mean...

When I lost weight a year or so ago, I definitely started getting more attention from men. And, of course, that's flattering...at first. But one thing that I noticed was that I never really felt like these guys KNEW me. Because I've struggled with weight and have been overweight for such a large part of my life, and because they had never seen that side or seen that struggle, I felt like they only knew the surface. It causes a lack of connect.

And of course it's offensive to girls who have struggled with their weight and have never gotten a second look to all of a sudden have men calling and whistling and asking them out when they drop some pounds. It's almost dehumanizing. The message it sends is: "You're only worth getting to know if you're thin." Um, ouch?

megwini · 11-13-2009, 03:31 AM

Okay. I too can attest to this. But I personally feel differently. I don't think my weight ever prevented anyone from finding me attractive -- I think my demeanor did. I assumed because I was overweight no one would find me attractive, so as a result I took very little care in my appearance. I wore baggy, lifeless sweaters and sweatpants, and I moved around practically exuding insecurity. NOT exactly attractive, so in a way it became a self-fulfilling prophecy, so to speak.
When I started losing weight I got more confidence in my appearance. I started to wear cuter clothes and more jewelry and even some makeup. I looked like I CARED about my appearance, and I was finally acting confident instead of insecure. I HAVE had 2 guys be interested in me since I hit a normal BMI (not that that really helps me... I'm a lesbian), but I honestly DON'T think it's that I lost weight, so much as it is that I now make myself look attractive by putting pride in my appearance and having confidence in myself. Losing weight can do that for you, but it's not necessarily the weight loss that makes you look more attractive, but more the way you choose to present yourself to the world.
But don't forget that there's nothing wrong with weight loss making you more attractive too! It DOES. I DEFINITELY find normal weight girls more attractive than overweight girls... it's nothing personal, just what I'm attracted to. It's not necessarily shallow. I still wouldn't want to date someone who's thin but I don't get along with on a deeper level, but if you're not sexually attracted to a person to begin with, your relationship won't be able to get very far. It's as simple as that, so try not to take it too offensively. Appearance and sexual attraction are more like a starting point, and it's after that that things start to get deeper.

chicagoatnight · 11-16-2009, 05:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crcossel

Ok I don't think its shallow at all!

Guys are visual creatures. And attraction is different from love. You are initially attracted to the way someone looks. Then you are attracted to their personality. Then you fall in love. Love has staying power......attraction is just the beginning.

Why would you look down on someone for appreciating the way you look when YOU are appreciating the new way you look.

It seems to me that looking down on these guys is just as shallow.

Guys care about how you look, however if its real gaining weight won't change the way they FEEL about you. My husband loves me and appreciates the way I look but still encourages me lose weight and stick to my goals. He has also mentioned that he is glad I am doing this because he has worried about me ending up like my mom who is 70+ lbs overweight. That isn't shallow, just the truth.

I agree with this, and what megwini said, although it's not pleasant to really think about, it's the truth. Some men and women are attracted to fit, thin people, it's not wrong, you can't help it, but it's the same as liking Indian men or blonde women, etc. It's what you like and you shouldn't feel bad about it. I'm dating someone who is attracted to both skinny and fat girls, it's nice because I'm still viewing my weight loss as temporary, I want to be thin but I'm not sure I have what it takes to get all the way there and stay there. But at any rate, it's not just men who feel this way, I have a skinny friend that prefers chubby men and I have always prefered skinny men (not even muscular, but skinny).

ImGoinDown · 12-01-2009, 03:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by happeningf

OMG I am so with you.

My bf (who has been with me thru this all) I can tell brags about me more, shows me off more... and I'm bitter! I just am!

I tell him so, and he says honestly, yes, I look better than I ever did, and he wants to show me off more, he's proud of me, he thinks I look so hot... etc... and of course my mind goes to the opposite: so you weren't proud of me before, you were ashamed to be seen with me?? etc etc etc

I try to look at my weight loss like new pretty hair or new boobs or something... nothing wrong with enhancing yourself, and you can't blame your bf for paying extra attention to something so new and fun for him (ie new boobs = new body, whatever)

But I still get so bitter and give guys SUCH attitude. Guys are coming out of the woodwork, guys I've known for years and have stayed in touch with, but now they're trying really hard to see me, hang out, be friends... it's so obvious. I hate it. I cringe when a guy friend tells me I'm so hot... they never said that before... should I be annoyed? I don't know.

Just recently I was wondering how I would feel if my bf starts acting different when I lose weight. I can't help but think that I'd be a little ticked off too. I mean, he's great now... I just wonder if he'll change a little.

Kae · 12-09-2009, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImGoinDown

Just recently I was wondering how I would feel if my bf starts acting different when I lose weight. I can't help but think that I'd be a little ticked off too. I mean, he's great now... I just wonder if he'll change a little.

When I lost weight previously my boyfriend at the time changed too... but not in the show you off kind of way. He started buying me all kinds of sweet treats and junk food as gifts, despite knowing I was trying to lose weight. My new confidence made him insecure and he said he worried I would want someone else now that I was thinner...

This time around I am not dating anyone... I've had offers from guys but I am putting off dating because I want to be happy with myself before I add another person into the mix.

mort20 · 12-09-2009, 11:51 PM

I also believe that guys are “visual people” thats why they notice physical appearance first. Its frustrating but in the long run, you need more than looks to keep your man.

ImGoinDown · 12-10-2009, 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kae

When I lost weight previously my boyfriend at the time changed too... but not in the show you off kind of way. He started buying me all kinds of sweet treats and junk food as gifts, despite knowing I was trying to lose weight. My new confidence made him insecure and he said he worried I would want someone else now that I was thinner...

This time around I am not dating anyone... I've had offers from guys but I am putting off dating because I want to be happy with myself before I add another person into the mix.

I can definitely see that happening with him. In the past when I'd tell him I was on a diet, he'd insist that I eat (usually shakes and chips) This time, I've kind of isolated myself from him just so that I can get back into the swing of being on a diet.

katieloumagoo · 12-10-2009, 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BKKchick

I've lived in the same building for a while now and have seen my "hot" neighbor a handful of times. He never said a WORD to me. Anyway, I hadn't seen him in many months until the other day in the elevator. I was all sweaty after having worked out and felt sort of weird, you know. Well, he was all smiles and joking around with me. When he asked which floor I lived on, and I was like, um, the same one as you (idiot!); he looked sort of dumbstruck, like, OH, you're the fat chick who lives next door? It was awkward, to say the least. So yesterday he knocked on my door to ask if I wanted to come to a party he's having next week! A part of me feels flattered, but a bigger part of me feels sick.

i'd go to the party looking fan-freakin-tastic! you never know who you might meet there

and you can always ignore him like he used to ignore you.

Coondocks · 12-18-2009, 06:19 PM

megwini - I have to agree with you, when you lose the weight and love yourself more, it totally shows.

I am starting to love myself, I haven't dropped a lot of the weight I want, but the bit I have I've noticed that Im already appreciating myself more . . . it really is an amazing feeling.

I can't help but wonder what will happen with my son's father, he's very much a visual person, always has been BUT after being friends with him for a year we started a relationship, and I was no where near at my goal weight. I know he was attracted to the person rather than the body. We aren't together now, we are still as close as ever, but it makes me wonder if the reason it didn't work out was because of how I looked at myself rather than how he looked at me.
And Wow . . . that's the first time I've ever felt comfortable enough to say that out loud, as out loud as typing can be

30and300 · 12-27-2009, 06:07 AM

A part of me is very concerned with how guys will react to me when I reach my goal weight. I have lost weight before and found guys were more interested in talking with me, and I felt bad about it because... why didn't they want to talk to me at my highest weight? If they just care about how I look, how could I live with a person like that?

And a part of me understands, because I know I don't care about myself as much as I would if I lost weight. It's sad, but true. I don't buy myself new clothes, I don't do my hair nice (stuff it in a bun/ponytail & forget it), I don't wear make-up. I wear sports bras instead of hubba hubba bras, and all of that. I have such low confidence at my high weight that I don't even look around when I go out. So how would I even know if I got "the look"?

So I figure, yes, some guys are totally shallow. But there have to be some good ones out there. I might do that thing where I keep a picture of myself at my highest weight in my purse and see their reaction... I dunno yet. I have a long way to go again, but.. when I get there, I'm sure I'll look up this thread again. (HI Skinny future me!!) =)

rakel · 01-01-2010, 01:02 PM

In high school I was all boo hoo I'm fat and boys don't like me, and I really do think that made a difference. I looked at pictures from when I was a freshman in high school, and honestly I was around 180-200 lbs. I wasn't that fat... and I WAS pretty. I'm convinced that either some guys liked me but never had the guts to say anything, or they were just put off by my own lack of self-confidence and self-worth. Once I get down to 180-200lbs again, I'm pretty confident that I will see more male attention than I did when I was a freshman in high school, and the only difference will be my attitude. But I am happily taken by a fellow that got with me when I was 260lbs, and still thought I was sexy when I was 300+lbs.

I have to admit, it would be nice to know that other men find me attractive, even if there's no way I would consider leaving my husband. It's like a validation of some sort? My husband sometimes talks about how he had this girl like him and that girl like him, and I just end up feeling like a total loser because he was the only guy that ever really showed much interest in me. Maybe I should feel special because out of all the girls he could choose from, he picked me. But I picked him as much as he picked me, as much as I sometimes fear other people might think that I was just desperate. We truly had a connection and I enjoyed being with him. He was everything I ever hoped for.

Although I will say that when I was around 240 - 260lbs and got on myspace, I had a ton of guys messaging me saying that I was hot and they wanted more pictures of me (which was pretty obvious what they were looking for and I never responded to their requests), and I was by no means thin. That was kind of an ego boost like, hey, I guess I am pretty. Isn't that what every girl wants, shallow as it is?