Because it's usually followed by "If only you weren't so heavy, you'd be really beautiful." (Incidentally, I don't like it when people say "heavy," because it seems to me that they're just trying not to say "fat.")
Well, I do have a pretty face. My husband tells me all the time that I'm beautiful, and he doesn't specify which parts of me are more beautiful than others. I also tell him (and he's obese too) that he's my handsome hunk of a hubby.
Hubby isn't the first or only man to call me beautiful, without qualification. Yet I don't always feel it. I can dress up in a nice outfit, do up the hair, put on makeup, think I look good, be satisfied with what I see in the mirror, and then look at a picture of myself later, and want to puke. I see the same thing I've always been told is there. "Such a pretty face," but....
On the tail end of my journey, I've noticed this about myself. At 75 pounds lighter, I still see pictures of myself that make me want to puke. I've decided that fat or thin or normal, I just don't like the way I look on camera. My husband likes pics of me, my mom likes pics of me, but I'm always seeing the flaws. I think we're harder on ourselves than other people are. And I think they're harder on themselves too. I guess the trite response, is, look for the postive things in the picture. It's also the really hard thing to do!!
About the pretty face thing, I've always had people say the same thing to me, but I've noticed as I've lost weight that I've agreed with them more. So that's a good thing, right?
Self-esteem is always a battle and anyone who says differently is lying to you and to themselves. The wisest thing my mom ever said to me was: The world is run by the way people deal with their insecurities.
This one is officially titled, "Me and Flo," and was taken at the Tillamook cheese factory in Tillamook, Oregon.
Unofficially, I want to call it, "Which one is the cow?" I had a terrible self-esteem crisis after seeing it.
I mean, "Flo" and I are even wearing the same colors.
Hubby just walked in and asked, "Why do you do that to yourself?" I don't have a good answer, but I do know this: Nothing I say to myself has not been said before, by someone else. Usually a family member.
Last edited by LovebirdsFlying; 05-05-2010 at 05:06 PM.
Reason: to resize image
PS: On a more positive note, I wanted to clarify what I'm thinking. I *do* have a pretty face. And I know that sometimes, when people say that, they mean to stop there, and not go on to... well, you know.
I also know that one doesn't have to be a certain size to be beautiful. Big women can be beautiful too. One thing that really IRKS me is when people say "fat-and-ugly" as if it's all one word. I've known some gorgeous fatties, and some butt-ugly skinnies.
I'm just having trouble adjusting to the idea of *me* being beautiful. Some parts of me, such as my eyes, my face, my hair, my bustline--yeah. But all of me, the whole package? Me? Intellectually, I know it. But knowing it and feeling it are two very different things. I've felt this way about myself ever since I was 8 years old and weighed 70 pounds, which for my height, build, and level of physical maturity was not overweight at all. But I compared myself to smaller, shorter, less developed classmates who weighed 55 and 60, and arbitrarily concluded I was "fat." And, so did others who were all too happy to help me feel "fat-and-ugly." Well, so what if I was bigger than others? Why didn't anybody ever tell me I looked good with the body I had, rather than "well, if this or that changed...."
When I was 8 years old and looked in the mirror, I saw the same bulging, round, roly-poly body I see now. Even though I obviously was not overweight at the time, I had a "fat" body image long before I actually had a "fat" body. And I'm pretty sure I'm still going to have it should I reach my goal weight. Why? Because when I look at another woman my size--she can even be wearing my clothes--she doesn't look nearly so big to me as I look to myself. But if I look at a woman who is 90 or 100 pounds heavier than me, I can't tell the difference between the two of us.
Is there any way I can ever develop a realistic body image?
Yeah, for me "you have such a pretty face" was always followed by, "if you'd just lose weight, you'd be really beautiful."
I hated it because it guillotined me. Metaphorically, of course. It meant that from the neck up, I was one thing, and from the neck down, I was another.
I felt like the title of that Billy Idol song, "Eyes Without a Face." I'm sure you can see that in the avatar that I chose for this forum.
It left me feeling completely alienated from my body, like my body was some defective, abject thing that I was dragging along behind my face, to which it had accidentally become attached through the luck of birth. It made me dislike & ignore & mistreat my body.
Which is why, I'm sure, that working out & becoming athletic (comparatively so, anyway) has been a big part of my weight loss journey. I needed to reclaim my body, which began with my paying attention to everything below the neck. And to get out of my head, so my past-times consisted less of watching, reading & seeing -- all things you do primarily with your head & eyes, & which you could do if paralytic or disabled -- and more about moving & going places & experiencing things physically.
Acknowledging the other 3/4 of my physical being is helping me slowly develop a realistic body image. But it is taking time. It's like watching a photograph develop where the parts slowly become clearer.
Lovebirdsflying, do you engage in or enjoy any physical activities? You don't need to become a jock. But I really do think they help you figure out what your body can do, that it isn't just a beast of burden carrying around your brain & your "pretty face" (and in your case, your lovely mane of hair).
Saef, I love the way you put things. ♥ And thank you for your compliments.
I'm not very athletic because of physical disabilities, but I do try to get some exercise. Aah, who am I kidding? If I stuck to it more, the disabilities would become less, although they probably wouldn't go away entirely. It's difficult to get started when you're already in pain somewhere. That's arthritis in my spine, diabetic neuropathy in my feet, and inner ear problems causing balance issues. I *can* move, though. And I can walk, although I have to be careful on uneven ground, and I have trouble with stairs and curbs.
Interesting, before I got to the part where you mentioned physical disabilities, I was half-forming an analogy in my mind. No one would say to a person in a wheelchair, "You have such a pretty face. Too bad the rest of you..."
IMO all bodies, able or not, large and small, are beautiful. I'll never be model-thin; that's not my body type. But I can achieve a healthy weight for the type I do have.
Last edited by LovebirdsFlying; 05-06-2010 at 03:37 PM.
Is there any way I can ever develop a realistic body image?
If you figure it out, please let me know. My head knows I look good. My self-image still sees the fat girl in the mirror and when my weight fluctuates, even from more fiber on a given day, I feel fat, fat, fat.
And then there are days that I see a reflection (not clear in a mirror but on a picture glass) when I'm ellipticalling or doing another exercise and I'm amazed by the person in the reflection. This journey is the biggest mind game ever. In most ways I'm winning, in others I'm still just sitting on the bench moping.
"Nothing I say to myself has not been said before, by someone else. Usually a family member."
Same here. I know I have a beautiful face, but my body is too fat for anyone to see it as beautiful. I hate hearing how I have a pretty face. Just once I'd like someone to tell me something else about me was beautiful-- not my face or my hair. My BODY.
Last edited by chemicalksm; 07-19-2010 at 12:30 PM.
During my lifetime fight with myself..... I have a couple thoughts to share.
Inner voice, low self esteem, body image, self image are all one evil witch.
She is a wicked nasty ugly witch! Drop a house on her, pour water on her, burn her whatever floats your boat. Your nasty evil witch, gots to go!
She has a Beautiful body and face.
-A life long friend of mine is one of the flawless perfect beautiful ones. She looks like a swim suit model. Great hair, super model looks and a body that makes the you wanna hate her....... She has counted every single calorie ever consumed, work outs are 2hr/6 days a week & on vacations too, she never drinks any booze, she only orders bare lettuce salad with no dressing and grilled chicken & we have dinned all over the world together. She takes hours getting "perfect" waking at One or Two am to achieve this.
One day after seeing one wrinkle she began desperatly trying to stop the aging process by injecting (just about anything) in her face. Two years of constant injections (by mutiple dr's) She has the "I've had work done" along with a face so swollen I asked if she had her wisdom teeth out. She has no real eyebrows the injections cause them to fall out. She is 36, and still has a smoking hot body, and obsession with keeping her beautiful face.
(For the record I never saw that one wrinkle.) Proof the evil witch lives with all of us.
I shared the story not to be mean but remind us all "babe, if it aint one thing is a dammed other" Grandpa Wille with a 6th grade edu used to say that to me all the time.
People should really not complain about the beautiful face comment! You see, no one ever said that to me, and certainly not everyone has a beautiful face, fat or not, so it is a real compliment.
People have EVERY RIGHT to complain when they are given such a backwards compliment like "you have such a pretty face, if only you would lose weight." Who wouldn't be insulted by that? I personally have never gotten a pretty face comment in any form so if someone ever said "hey, you have a pretty face." and end it right there i would be pleased and accept it as a compliment. However if they added the last part I would indeed be offended. And if someone wants to come here to 3fc and complain or vent they have every right to as long as they are not stepping on boundaries. And the op was not crossing any boundaries IMHO.
If they want it to be a compliment, it should just be, "You are beautiful," not a breakdown of which parts are lovely and which ones fall short of a compliment. People just don't think, and some of them do it on purpose to either hurt you or motivate you.
And Lovebirdsflying, I can't see you very well in that photo, but I can see enough to tell you that you are beautiful.
my ex used to call me that all the time. But the kicker was when her said, wanna know whats the difference between you and those girls.. your body. I should have left him when he said that, but i was young and stupid. I have a hard time believing my Now boyfriend (who is the sweetest thing) when he calls me beautiful.
Last edited by 2phatinvictoria; 08-08-2010 at 11:48 PM.
"You have such a pretty face."
That's arthritis in my spine, diabetic neuropathy in my feet, and inner ear problems causing balance issues. I *can* move, though. And I can walk, although I have to be careful on uneven ground, and I have trouble with stairs and curbs.
