This is probably bad, but I've become desensitized to the skeeviness. I first encountered it as a teenager, was initially offended, then thought, "Ok, well, I guess that's just how men are! " Then, I went and dated another woman
When I gained the weight, most of the skeeviness just came to a halt. At first, I just thought, "Oh, I'm not experiencing it anymore because I'm in a serious relationship," until I stepped on a scale In some sort of weird way, I MISSED the skeeviness. I missed men stopping to stare a little too long. I missed having strangers approach me and ask me for my number. I missed the cat calls. I missed the inappropriate comments. The only thing I didn't miss was strangers groping me
It really is appaling what guys think they can get away with saying. I had my boss tell me I had a cute little butt. I had a co-worker ask to grab my boob. If I bend over at work, one of the guys will either preten to hump me or say, "HMMM! That looks very SEXUAL!" and now, just like you Schumeany, if I smile a little too wide because I'm genuinely enjoying someone's company, guys think I must be interested.
Boys will be boys, I think. Just let them know if they are making you uncomfortable. Men sometimes act like pigs because they think they can get away with it and often do. Set them straight and put them in their places And remember... their admiration is only an indicator of how hard you busted your butt to get to where you are
I remember last year I was at a party and I was dancing with a bunch of my girlfriends and somebody I knew for YEARS, actually one of my DD's best friend's dad, came up to me on the dance floor, grabbed my @$$ and whispered in my ear, loudly with his hot breath on me, "You're so f*$*%g hawt. Uch, I can still feel his hot breath on me right now. Uch. Just uch. My husband was feet away and so was his wife. This is someone who never gave me the time of day, back in the day.
I don't know what it is that gives men the right to do this. Do they really think that that's what women want? Uch.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Sounds like you were bombarded one after the other at that party. Could not have been fun. How dare they make you feel so uncomfortable. I think it's good to have some phrases on tap for the next time something like this happens. And you know that it will. Because men will be boys.
I am shocked though how men behave. Shocked. I mean I'm no beauty, not even close, I'm 45 years old and have got lots of wear and tear. But they are relentless sometimes. I wonder how old a woman has to be in order for her to be safe from that kind of stuff. Some of it IS flattering to. And some of it is downright unpleasant and - skeevy.
I know for me, one of the reasons that I got as heavy as I did was to keep men away from me. I know it for sure (childhood incident, yada yada and all that). I did actually think that I would have to deal with it if/when I lost the weight. But I figured that I am older now and could handle it better and there was more of a risk for me to remain that weight then deal with the unwanted attention.
Thanks for saying I'm stunning. I don't think I live up to that particular title...but it was a nice thing to say. The picture was taken a couple of months ago by my husband, and I think I look a little goofy in it, but my husband likes it a lot because he says my smile looks like my "real smile" and not my "picture smile"...so that is why I chose it...in my pursuit of being the "real me" on here.
That was really sweet and really genuine what you just said above.
I asked my boyfriend about unwanted attention. I asked him why guys do it even though they KNOW you have a boyfriend/husband.
He said, "give a guy ANY attention and they're all over it, they think they have a chance".
I said, "what do you mean by attention?"
He said, "Basically, just being nice and talking to them is attention".
LOL. ARGH!
*throws hands up in the air with frustration*
~CGH~
Last edited by choirgirlhotel; 12-17-2008 at 08:03 PM.
Schumeany, I know what you mean. I feel so vulnerable any time my physical appearance is discussed and most especially when men notice me or say things. I posted last week about a man in public telling me how nice my jeans looked on me and went so far as to ask the brand! It was somewhat flattering but in some way I felt violated on the spot and do right now typing this. I feel unprepared for dealing with this after being fat for so long. I mean, guys never even made eye contact with me before--now when I look up I notice almost daily men looking at me in the eyes and all over actually. If he liked the way I looked I would rather him just come up and say something to the effect of, "I like your style--are you involved?" and go from there instead of making some stupid comment.
That was really sweet and really genuine what you just said above.
I asked my boyfriend about unwanted attention. I asked him why guys do it even though they KNOW you have a boyfriend/husband.
He said, "give a guy ANY attention and they're all over it, they think they have a chance".
I said, "what do you mean by attention?"
He said, "Basically, just being nice and talking to them is attention".
LOL. ARGH!
*throws hands up in the air with frustration*
~CGH~
I've heard the same thing, and its really unfortunate that some men have this idea that any niceness from a woman translates to them having a chance with her.
Schumeany: I'm sorry you have to be put in that situation, its amazing how people make it difficult for others to be who they are. How ridiculous, that your actions are viewed as meaning more than they actually do, that friendliness is now an invitation for unwanted attention. The comments and behavior of these men is just unsettling. I'm glad you've mastered the stern look, its gotten me out of a few situations myself.
Schumeany, I think you are beautiful and charismatic. Your personality shines through that picture. And, you look A LOT like one of my aunts, who has been known for her beauty her entire life
And Robin, you're beautiful, too. What's up with all this humility here?!
I was a really conceited teenager (I was always called "hot", did modeling, was somewhat well-liked, yada yada, superficiality everywhere) but after my weight gain, I had absolutely no confidence, nor did I get hit on much. The attention from men after my weight loss has honestly inflated my ego and made me think, "Wow, I must be some sort of hot if all these men are suddenly attracted to me..." and I know most of those silly men would not have even looked twice at me had I been my "former" self.
I remember last year I was at a party and I was dancing with a bunch of my girlfriends and somebody I knew for YEARS, actually one of my DD's best friend's dad, came up to me on the dance floor, grabbed my @$$ and whispered in my ear, loudly with his hot breath on me, "You're so f*$*%g hawt. Uch, I can still feel his hot breath on me right now. Uch. Just uch. My husband was feet away and so was his wife. This is someone who never gave me the time of day, back in the day.
Ew, ew, ew, ew! Skeevy is right. Why do people act like that? His poor wife....Poor Robin. If it happens again, slug him. (do we have a boxing smiley?)
You people are an easy sell in the beauty department, but I'll accept the compliments with a big smile. Thank you.
Shane, I always love your posts. You are so truthful about how you feel and so frank about how much you appreciate your weight loss and your new body...it is absolutely charming.
I am really glad I wrote the original post. I kept starting it and stopping it. I couldn't get what I wanted to say quite right. It is a really complicated issue because, of course, knowing people appreciate your looks is nice, but too much appreciation is not...and so I feel sort of like I have a split personality on the issue (Thighs Be Gone your post about the guy asking you about your pants was the perfect example of this.). Anyway, it is nice to know (Sort of...) that I'm not the only one who has experienced the problem (And worse...Robin that story about the butt groper is awful. Kind of makes my little "whole body press" seem tame...) or is worried about it happening to them as they get slimmer. I think it is something that is important to talk about and prepare women for...especially if they have always been the "fat" friend or have been for a long time...it is kind of a shock to the system how predatory a lot of men, even men you may have known for a long time, can be. I, at least, was ill-prepared to handle it. And it hurts when some women are suddenly colder towards you when all you have done is shed a few pounds.
Actually, this whole thing is kind of ironic in my situation because before I took my current job running a non-profit, I was a civil rights and anti-discrimination lawyer -- I have worked on plenty of work place sexual harassment cases, etc. So if they were MY co-workers, I'd know what to do...not so much in a quasi-social situation with my husband's co-workers. This has all made me feel humbled a bit thinking back on all that "free" advice I gave my clients about how to deal with their harrassers...sometimes easier said than done -- especially when it is extremely subtle like an inappropriately "hot" look or a seemingly innocent "affectionate" touch that is obviously not so innocent if you catch the man's eye.
Shane, I always love your posts. You are so truthful about how you feel and so frank about how much you appreciate your weight loss and your new body...it is absolutely charming.
Awwww, thank you! That means a lot. Really.
You know, on the topic of men and their sometimes doggish ways, one of my male friends told me, "Our whole lives are based around getting some. It's all we think about, all the time. @$$. @$$. @$$. @$$. More @$$. The only time a guy isn't thinking about getting some is after he busts a nut." Most of my male friends have also admitted to cheating on their girlfriends (though I'm not saying women are necessarily better in that department!) BUT say that if they ever found out their girlfriends were cheating on THEM, they would be very angry/upset and break up with them. I wonder what gives them the audacity to think they can be like rock stars in that department.
I've also noticed (both from my own personal experiences and from conversing with other women) that infidelity in our gender usually happens when there is unhappiness involved. These guys I know cheat just 'cause... they can. I think it's amazing how these married men (as the ones mentioned above) just go on and hit on all these other women, thinking nothing of it.
Last edited by NightengaleShane; 12-18-2008 at 01:31 PM.
I wish there were things we could do to make that kind of behavior simply unacceptable. If men knew they couldn't get away with it, fewer of them would try it, and we'd all be safer.
just wanted to weigh in on from a man's point of view, first off not all men are "pigs" in fact it has been my experience that MOST men aren't pigs it's the small minority that get all the attention and give us a bad name.
Also getting unwanted attention is not a gender specific thing. I have seen many, many cases in my years where an older woman (usually a boss) will say many of the same things that was said in this case to a young buff man.
Basically what we have here is that you have lost weight and you look better hence you will be more attractive to men and because you are more attractive they will hit on you more. And it doesn't have to be a man or a woman for a person to not respect that someone is married.
And seriously is it really so bad???
I mean you could be in MY shoes. I was born an fugly baby, I'm not very handsome now and I am pretty sure that even if reach my goal I will still have to dazzle the ladies with my personality and not my looks! LOL!
But seriously this "all men are pigs" stuff is pretty sexist and women wouldn't like it if it was the other way around.
I say embrace your attractiveness and develop a sense a humor and have a bunch of funny snappy answers memorized.
For instance the clod who pressed the full length of his body against you and whispered "You are gorgeous!"
How funny it would have been if you looked back at him and gave him the once over and said with an icy smile ... "Sorry I can't say the same about you"
Boy would that cure him! And thats NOT being mean HE overstepped the boundaries!
... and by the way... you DO look good in short hair! LOL!
Thanks for posting a man's perspective. It was a brave thing to do, and getting the other gender's perspective on this is a good thing.
You'll note you never heard me say in my posts on this that "all men are pigs". It simply isn't true. There are plenty of men out there who are absolutely wonderful, respectful, amazing people. That said, however, what I am not sure a lot of men take into account with women is the fact that when men hit on women in a very aggressive way, it isn't just unpleasant. For a woman, it often feels unsafe. Men are generally bigger and stronger, and when you are married and you know they know you are married, it makes you sort of wonder what ELSE they might be capable of doing when they pursue you that aggressively or look at you like you're dinner. The whole body pressed against mine was unpleasant, and what you said I should have said to him is actually pretty much what I did say to him, but it wasn't just that he had his pelvis thrust against my rear that was the icky part...it was what that MEANT he might be capable of if he ever happened to get me alone in a room that didn't have three hundred people in it.
And, yes, it really is that bad when you are chatting with the bagboy at your grocery store, who you have known for three years and who has seen your husband with you a hundred times, but regardless, while standing a foot away from you next to your car in an empty parking lot, he starts talking about how "hot" you are and looking at you like he might actually be bold enough to touch you. It isn't just bad...it is really, really creepy.
So a lot of the anger you hear in the posts by some of the women on here is not being driven by blind "men are pigs" kind of thinking. It is being driven by the discomfort created by men who, at best, have little respect for personal boundaries or who aren't looking at a woman as a person but as an object, and, at worst, are so overt or inappropriate about it that it can be unnerving.
Anyway, that is my take. Oh, and thanks for the hair compliment, by the way. And as for the "handsome" thing? Good looking is over-rated. Personally, I'm a total "geek freak". Intelligence is my thing...that and a solid sense of humor. Ms. Right will find you.
There are days when I have to remind myself that not all men are pigs because of the consistent actions of a large enough percentage to make it a common reason women list for gaining weight. I do know decent men, and I do know that some women can be pretty bad, but the things that some men do just really stick out in a gal's memory.
I appreciate you weighing in. I think that laughing it off downplays the feeling of being violated. It's hard to describe to someone who hasn't been through it, but it's like you don't have value as a human being with thoughts and feelings and a right to be respected and have your body to yourself. Imagine people could walk up and spit in your face at any time, in any location, like your body belonged to them at their whim and you were expected to just put up with it or, worse, LIKE it.
It isn't the attention. I wouldn't mind if someone expressed interest (hasn't happened much at all since I've gained weight, and then it's only come in a creepy way, like the old guy who comes up to me and says "I've got some Viagra in my wallet."). It isn't the idea of being admired or told you're attractive that is the problem. It's the repeated disregard for personal and social boundaries. I mean, really, does that guy at the party actually believe she ENJOYED having him press up against her? It's a disgusting power thing. Does the bag boy actually believe she'll just toss aside her marriage for a fling with him? What the **** was he thinking?! People (women and men) shouldn't have to memorize snappy answers. There should be a basic level of respect that is expected.
I understand where you're coming from, and maybe it seems like any attention would be better than none, but it really, truly isn't. There are women who purposefully do things (such as gain weight) so that they can eliminate the attention. For them, unhassled solitude is better than random aggression and degradation.
And, seriously, I wish more men thought they had to dazzle women with their personality and the way they treated women. I sympathize. I know it can be the challenge of "why bother to lose weight if the thin me isn't going to be appealing, anyway?" There will always be a shallow segment of society that makes decisions based on looks alone, but if you learn how to treat a woman and show her you really see who she is, then the right woman will appreciate you.
" Then, I went and dated another woman 
In some sort of weird way, I MISSED the skeeviness. I missed men stopping to stare a little too long. I missed having strangers approach me and ask me for my number. I missed the cat calls. I missed the inappropriate comments. The only thing I didn't miss was strangers groping me 
And remember... their admiration is only an indicator of how hard you busted your butt to get to where you are 
