I know how you feel. I asked my husband that same question and he told me that I am always beautiful to him but of course when I am thin I am more attractive. I got offended and he said well just think if I lost weight and got really buff, you would think I was more attractive wouldn't you?! I thought about it and decided he was right. I think part of it is the self confidence that shines through when you feel good about yourself and with most people that is correlated with weight.
Yeah, that question (and similar ones) are problematic at best. If an average person gains a significant amount of fat and asks 'Do I look more or less attractive?' to their partner, pretty much only fat fetishists could answer 'more' truthfully. And that would be weird.
Yeah, that question (and similar ones) are problematic at best. If an average person gains a significant amount of fat and asks 'Do I look more or less attractive?' to their partner, pretty much only fat fetishists could answer 'yes' truthfully. And that would be weird.
Yeah, that question (and similar ones) are problematic at best. If an average person gains a significant amount of fat and asks 'Do I look more or less attractive?' to their partner, pretty much only fat fetishists could answer 'yes' truthfully. And that would be weird.
Not unheard of, though. They are out there, and you'd never guess which ones they are. LOL
I am sorry your feelings got hurt, HuskyHusker. I've been in that situation, too, and like you, I walked right into it, thinking I would get some reassurance. I did not. I got a sidestepping sort of tangent about how there's a difference between overweight and obese, but that he definitely prefers not to be with an "anorexic chick." As though one of those unfortunate people with a legitimate eating disorder have anything to do with people like him and me, who ate too much and didn't exercise enough! (I can't stand it when people accuse slender women of being 'anorexic' just to pander to people who bring their weight problem on themselves.)
The only thing I can say is that you can't worry about what he thinks of your body. I suspect, if he's anything like most decent men I've met, that he's more attracted to your confidence in yourself (and that includes your appearance). If that's the case, you need only get to where YOU feel confident and attractive and to his eyes, you will be the hottest thing alive.
OR, you'll end up dumping him and landing somebody more supportive. Whatever works.
Good luck!
Not so much tact on his part. My husband sort of hints that I should lose weight but never called me fat or made remarks to hurt me. In a way you asked and he was honest then felt bad about it. If he's a nice guy otherwise, forgive him if not, I would say move on. Put things into perspective.
HH, it sounds to me like you're making a lot of excuses for him. It wasn't a great idea to ask him that question, but it wasn't exactly brilliant of him to answer the way he did either. I'm very much against boyfriends who hurt your feelings or are detrimental to your self-esteem. Maybe this was just an honest misunderstanding or him not being tactful, but it also could be a big flashing CAUTION light. Be careful. It's better to be alone with your 20 pounds than with someone who makes you feel bad about them (even if it's not on purpose).
I agree with doveyheart. Sure he was "honest" but his attitude about the whole thing (even the apology) sounded like one of disrespect. He made light of something that you made clear was important to you. Not to mention his comments about you being "tolerable"... The way I see it, if you weren't laughing with him, it was inappropriate and not funny.
I hate it when guys make jokes about girls (especially their girlfriends) that are so not obviously really jokes and then tell her that she needs to lighten up if she gets upset. If he respects and loves you he'll realize that he truly did hurt you and he'll do whatever he can to make it right.
Sorry, But I do not agree with those who said you walked into it and should not be hurt by what he said...that is such a cop out for him!
He is your bf. He is supposed to encourage not discourage self esteem in any way. Even if he found you more attractive 20 lbs lighter, a good bf would always respond "I still find you just as attractive." If my bf ever said that to me I sure as **** would be offended.
Gees Chickie, looks like you are taking quite a beating on here. Sadly, I will have to add another dope slap to the ones that came before. First thing: Loaded questions are evil and must be destroyed. If you know you've had to switch from a size 6 to a size 10 jeans, then you obviously know you have some work to do to look the way you did before.
Second thing: I have gained 40 lbs since my husband and I met 7 years ago and sadly, you would think this might turn him off... WRONG! I practically can't beat the man off of me most days. I know I'm not as attractive as I was when we met, be he loves me despite my imperfections and he sticks around no matter what. That brings me to my point, don't look for the fairy tale, because life doesn't come in those perfect packages. Sometimes it comes in the form of farm boys who, although tactless, can realize they goofed and attempt to apologize in their own goofy way. (Note: If comment lacks tact, more than likely, so will the apology. At least you got one in some shape or form.)
Last Note: What kind of man would he be if he'd thought about those 20 pounds as much as you have, decided he wasn't attracted to you anymore due to them, and left? Lucky for you (and the majority of women I would say) most men aren't such dirt bags that they can't forgive us 20 lbs here or there(or 40 in my case.) Men may occasionally be dogs, but dogs ARE known for their loyalty, are they not? He may pee on the floor and chew on your favorite shoes, but he's always happy to see you isn't he?
Just try to chin up. Focus on your diet and exercise and don't beat yourself up for the 20 lbs.
Wow! I mean really. Wow. I would TOTALLY be offended by that!!! I'm in somewhat of the same boat, kind of. Only my weight gain is from birth control. If my boyfriend said it in that kind of a way - I would be SOOO hurt!! Absolutely unacceptable!!! I absolutely agree with jerseygirl. I'd also be very weary in the future with the guy. His apology sounds half-assed and apathetic, but maybe that's just the way I read it.
At the very least you definitely have the right to feel however it is you feel about the situation! Good luck with your weight loss, your relationship, and building back some smashed self esteem <3
If you just gained 20lbs in a short span of time due to stress, last thing you need on your mind is to stress about how the added lbs are making you less attractive.
that's just more stress, and a less happy you, and a downward spiral...
and feelings of self doubt and self pity, those are just signs of your deeper unhappiness. I sense something amiss about your new living situation. anything that causes you to gain 20lbs can't be good.
You need to remedy something in your life, find some stress relief and find something to be happy about so you can stop this weight gain. Sounds like you're in a REALLY unhealthy spot.
Oh, and dump the boyfriend. Not for his honest answer, but for calling you those names and playing it off as a joke. I was with someone like that once, but never again...
I can understand that is was an honest answer, but it sounds like he is "honest" alot - aka kind of a jerk. If you feel unwanted maybe its not just from a few comments but the overall feeling you get from him these days. Maybe you should look for someone who is less brutally honest and a little more appreciative of you and nicer overall.
that guy is a jerk. and he's "pmsing"?? puleeze.....he is just a disrespectful jerk.....attractiveness is more than just physical.
he could have said that he's crazy about you and ask you why you are asking and be supportive of your desire to lose weight (assuming you have that desire) while still assuring you that he wants you. what law says we can't feel good about ourselves BEFORE we are "perfect"?
<3
