Wow I thought I was the only one in the world with this sort of issue. I am still in the 'losing the weight' and I never dated missed that through high school. I didn't even have a prom date, I went alone, before prom I was talking to some boys in my engineering class how we don't have dates. One boy asked me to go and the other boy said "Your getting desprate" I declined the boy who asked. That got me so angry, I asked myself was I not worthy enough to ask because I am overweight. I hated thinking I was the last resort.
I am in college now, I have no friends so no social life. Instead I drown myself in nerdom of videogames and comic books. But I have been making the effort to loss the weight. I been like this all my life I don't want to continue. Hopefully I'll get guys my age finding me attractive one day and maybe I'll get over this shyness. I will continue my journey towards my goal. As for advice take it one step at a time. Learn the tricks of the trade like flirting and such. Congrats on your weight lost hopefully I'll be there someday.
I was talking to some boys in my engineering class how we don't have dates. One boy asked me to go and the other boy said "Your getting desprate" I declined the boy who asked. That got me so angry, I asked myself was I not worthy enough to ask because I am overweight. I hated thinking I was the last resort.
Ouch. I know how you feel. I don't date, mainly because I don't get asked, or if I do, it's a friend date. Most of my friends are guys, so I do get male interaction, which sometimes involves hugging. My friends tell me that I have a beautiful face, but when I hear them say that, the words that I hear are, "You'd be hot if you weren't so fat." I currently have a crush on one of my friends that I don't try to pursue for a few reasons 1) I'm too self conscious about my body, 2) I have a feeling he likes this other woman, who is tall and skinny, and 3) As bad as it sounds, I think he's too good for me.
Ouch. I know how you feel. I don't date, mainly because I don't get asked, or if I do, it's a friend date. Most of my friends are guys, so I do get male interaction, which sometimes involves hugging. My friends tell me that I have a beautiful face, but when I hear them say that, the words that I hear are, "You'd be hot if you weren't so fat." I currently have a crush on one of my friends that I don't try to pursue for a few reasons 1) I'm too self conscious about my body, 2) I have a feeling he likes this other woman, who is tall and skinny, and 3) As bad as it sounds, I think he's too good for me.
Yeah that experience was like a splash of cold water to my face. It really sucks when you have a one sided crush and you know nothing will come out of it. I think we are all self conscious about our bodies and no one is ever to good for you, don't ever think that, you always deserve the best. If he doesn't notice you he doesn't know what he is missing out on. Never settle for less than the best no matter how you look like. Probaly one day he'll look back and say "what was I thinking."
I went to my hs prom alone too. And I didnt date through high school or college lol and have yet to. I'm still working on myself but seriously if there's a book out there I want it.
My dream goal is another 20lbs my realistic goal is another 10lbs. From being so obese I do fear I have the extra skin "apron" thing going on slightly. That is now my big fear with dating. That I'll meet, connect with a guy then when it becomes intimate, he'll see the toll that weight loss has taken despite my weight training, run away screaming and never want to see me again.
The whole "she's nekkid!" thing usually is far more powerful .
I understand that feeling completely, and will add that I think often the discomfort from the attention comes from the fact that you're expecting to be made fun of, or that they're looking at you to mock.
I find that if a guy hits on me, I feel... embarassed. And I couldn't figure out why. Then I realized it was because I thought I was back in 6th grade with the boys who would call me "Fatty".
I think that's the biggest hurtle: realizing that they're not making fun of you, as silly as that sounds.
As for missing out on this stuff in high school and college... very few people flirt like in the movies and dates are so rarely like how they are in films or on TV. Just be nice. One of the big things is that guys often need an invitation to come flirt. Even looking in their direction and smiling is a cue to approach safely. Men do like to chase, but they want to know that you would like to be caught.
Just practice being nice and smiling more often. Don't worry about having to hit on them or be very forward. Most of my guy friends find that a turn-off.
I find that if a guy hits on me, I feel... embarassed. And I couldn't figure out why. Then I realized it was because I thought I was back in 6th grade with the boys who would call me "Fatty".
I think that's the biggest hurtle: realizing that they're not making fun of you, as silly as that sounds.
You are right the biggest hurtle to overcome is that they are not making fun of you. Personally I can't tell myself, since I was in middle school boys would walk up to me a say "oh he likes you" and then all his friends will laugh. (I was overweight then too) So because of that I know if a guy comes up to me who really finds me attractive I wouldnt be able to tell, I would think he would be doing it for kicks.
Smile at him. Ask him how his workout is going. If he's interested, he'll give you an answer and lead-in. If not, he'll say something like, "oh, fine" and go back to what he was doing. Take the chance! Belive you're gorgeous, and other people will believe it, too.
Has anyone else had a problem with the whole "loose skin" issue after weight loss & dating?
I still have a lot more to lose (60lbs +/-), but I find the loose skin is bad, and it accentuates the cellulite, making my legs look even worse.
I started dating a guy as I was losing weight (I'd lost about 50 lbs when we started dating - 265lbs to 215lbs when we met, and lost to 172lbs during the time we were together). We're on again off again now, because he has some real issues with the question "will I ever look normal?".
I recently gained about 20lbs back, which caused a real freakout. I met him on a online dating site, and we've been together for a few years -- but I think if I'd met him in real life things would be better. He would've had to deal with my whole body before he got to know me, rather than liking me and then seeing the entirety in the flesh. There were pictures, but pictures are not as confrontational as having to look at the person directly as you speak.
And I agree with Robot -- when I hear "you've got a beautiful face", all I hear is the negative of it. The face is pretty, too bad about the rest of it.
I really don't know if I can blame the guy I'm dating -- I have problems with how I look, and I don't even have to look at myself that often or ever see myself sans clothes. The whole loose stomach pouch thing is disturbing enough when I'm putting on jeans!
The whole "she's nekkid!" thing usually is far more powerful .
Thanks Julie I needed that! I tend to forget that guys are very simple minded thinkers in that respect, we women tend to be more complex thinkers that way. All of my unwanted "jiggly bits" won't even be noticed, his mind will be stuck on repeat "she's nekkid!"
Your comment has kicked off a whole new way of thinking for me. It flipped the switch that I think will move me to the next level (aka break this plateau and date again when I meet someone I connect with). I've started thinking about all I have accomplished and taking a good look at myself in the mirror. The results, I'm starting to become happier and more confident with myself...just as I am! This may sound wierd, but I have a pair of yoga pants that are like bootcut tights that I now wear proudly to the park when I walk there on non-gym days. I've also started to realize that is the first step to finding The One! Love, be happy and confident with yourself as you are!
Thanks Julie I needed that! I tend to forget that guys are very simple minded thinkers in that respect, we women tend to be more complex thinkers that way. All of my unwanted "jiggly bits" won't even be noticed, his mind will be stuck on repeat "she's nekkid!"
Your comment has kicked off a whole new way of thinking for me. It flipped the switch that I think will move me to the next level (aka break this plateau and date again when I meet someone I connect with). I've started thinking about all I have accomplished and taking a good look at myself in the mirror. The results, I'm starting to become happier and more confident with myself...just as I am! This may sound wierd, but I have a pair of yoga pants that are like bootcut tights that I now wear proudly to the park when I walk there on non-gym days. I've also started to realize that is the first step to finding The One! Love, be happy and confident with yourself as you are!
Wow, I'm glad it helped. It's one of those shifts. It's like getting past a roadblock, and looking back from the other side. Some things you can know for a long time, before you really *know* them, and it fascinates me how people get there. I mean, I can list all sorts of reasons why I'm getting so much healthier now, but really, I knew all those things for years before. That mysterious thing that makes the difference - that's fascinating.
...since I was in middle school boys would walk up to me a say "oh he likes you" and then all his friends will laugh. (I was overweight then too)
Unfortunately there are grown men who still haven't outgrown this.
Last year when I was at my high weight -- 271 -- I was in an upscale restaurant/bar with a girlfriend and was feeling very self conscious since all the other women there looked like models.
Then a drunk but very good-looking/handsome *jerk* -- I'm guessing he also was about 15 years younger than me -- stumbled over, put his arm around me and started going on and on about what a gorgeous woman I am, in a very sarcastic tone of voice. Meanwhile his friend was cracking up.
It completely ruined my evening and I still remember how hurtful it was. Why do they DO that????
Wow, I'm glad it helped. It's one of those shifts. It's like getting past a roadblock, and looking back from the other side. [SIZE="1"]Some things you can know for a long time, before you really *know* them,[/SIZE] and it fascinates me how people get there. I mean, I can list all sorts of reasons why I'm getting so much healthier now, but really, I knew all those things for years before. That mysterious thing that makes the difference - that's fascinating.
Wow! I love your comment here... it's making me think/wonder about all the things I've *thought* that I'm learning... but really I knew them all along.
Kind of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz... she kept telling everyone she wanted to go home, but she really was there all along, and she didn't know it because she was lost in a dream.
I've lost about 45 lbs. since last October and it continually amazes me as over and over again, I'm confronted with the layers of emotions and perception of reality that have been so distorted or buried by the obsession with food.
Hopefully, you ladies won't run me out of your thread… see I'm in the same dating boat but on the male side of the ship. Here's my story.
I was obese going into Kindergarten weighing in at nearly 70 pounds. I don't know if the cruelty started the very first day of school but it wasn't long afterward. I fear that I didn't handle the cruelty very well at all. I've always been naturally shy and the taunting made me even more so. I guess it was like a self defense mechanism. Just be quiet, don't say anything, and maybe they will eventually stop. It worked to some degree but that approach made me very reclusive. I regret that I became more introverted but regret even more that I got used to being that way. Luckily, I made some really good friends during high school, two of which I still see regularly, and had a group to "hang out" with. But still I was overly cautious and anxious about meeting new folks and still fight that feeling today.
I steadily gained weight thru college and afterward finally tipping the scales at 420 pounds when I was 28. Haphazard diets always failed leaving me feeling like I would always be fat. In the darkest times, I had no hope of ever having a real life. I had convinced myself that I just couldn't lose it. I knew about the pains and risks of obesity and finally came to the point where I truly knew that they would happen to me. It was at this point that I put all my effort into finding a solution.
I could spend hours writing all the details of the process I went through but here is a summary. I started by reading everything I could about nutrition. The center point of my diet is simple - I only have some many calories per day to eat and I need to "spend" them on the most nutritious food I can. I eventually reworked everything in my life related to diet and exercise. I remember starting an exercise routine and barely being able to walk a 1/2 mile in 20 minutes. Today, I start out my morning with weight training before I go to work and then go for a run during my lunch hour. At 190 lbs and 12% body fat, I'm truly in the best shape of my life. I am delighted every time I can go running, play basketball or enjoy any kind of physically activity that would have had me struggling for breath just 8 years ago.
I wish I could relate as much success in dating and relationships. I would sign up for remedial dating classes in a heartbeat. I continue to struggle with self confidence (especially with all my loose extra skin) and my natural shyness. I went on a few dates with a former co-worker but she and I agreed that we were really only meant to be friends. My first venture into online dating 2 years ago yielded exactly one date. My second attempt several months ago produced my first bona-fide relationship. She was wonderful, we had a ton in common, a great time together, and I really fell for her. Unfortunately she didn't fall for me in the same way and broke it off after 4 months of dating. I wasn't at all prepared for this my first heartbreak. I am still recovering from the pain of it. At the moment, I'm trying yet another foray into online dating.
I am resolved to never give up. I learned to be healthy and fit and BY GOD I will learn to date and have a lasting relationship. It's just hard some days to feel so far behind.
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