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A Year of Cheating

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Old 03-09-2014, 01:59 PM   #1
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Post A Year of Cheating

I have been on the "other side". I've been a before and after pic, a success story for Atkins (twice). Now, a year out of watching sliding turn into full fledged cheating I am paying the consequence health wise.

Several years ago, I lost almost 100 pounds for a second time. I followed the Atkins lifestyle, became healthy, happy, active, replaced my life long binge eating episodes with eating real food, satisfying meals, and having the fog that seemed to hang over my head disappear.

A year of on again off again (usually lasting only a couple days) of following Atkins turned into a year of basically trying to ruin my health, and all I had accomplished. I have gained 30 lbs in a year.

Yes, I have had to face multiple health issues and pain-three bulging and leaking discs in my back, a dislocated rib, and chronic pain from a accident, but I have compounded the issue by stuffing my body full of what is basically "waste" food of no value except to act as a band-aid, a quick "upper" to help me handle depression that had taken a crippling toll as well.

I had a dr appointment last week. A new dr that wouldn't listen when i said I didn't need blood work, that I have had numerous health things going on and took millions of tests elsewhere. I fought it in her office when she scheduled a much needed pap test, mammogram, physical exam for horrible digestive issues, and a full panel of blood work. I am a cancer survivor, reproductive, and for 3 years not gone in for a physical work up. I have been living in pain and disappointment struggling with real chronic back and neck pain, I didn't want to even think of inner issues that I had been ignoring.

Luckily for me the physical tests came back clean, the digestion and blood work, not so good. I am right back to the beginning health wise. I started my Atkins journey years ago 100 lbs over weight, acid reflux, anxiety, high blood pressure that I took meds for, high blood sugar and borderline type two diabetes..throw in insomnia, horrible allergies, insecurity, depression, and other issues, I was in a bad place. Thru a year of Atkins, I was off every medication, all my issues were gone, and the weight came off. I exercised daily.

I am now facing high blood pressure meds again, have heartburn and acid reflux every day, blood sugar is right back to needing meds, digestion is horrible, depression is here, no exercise at all, meds for ADHD and anxiety, and the list is just getting longer..add the 30 lbs I have regained, and the fact that I have no energy, no interest in anything, the year hasn't been good for me.

My dr was straight forward with me Friday..I have to drop this weight, I have to get active again, my cholesterol is thru the roof (bad, not the good) also. My hands are so swollen I can't get my rings off,I physically just hurt and feel tired all the time. I have taken the last couple of months and gotten control of my binge eating for the first time in a year, but even without over eating I have gained weight, instead of losing it.

No matter what I say to myself when I look in the mirror, about how I will really address the weight issue, I mean it this time, I will do it tomorrow, or I'm ok cause I haven't been eating sugar or flour, its not true. I look at myself in my clothes now, and the depression sets in. I am back to hiding myself and praying that no one really notices how much tighter my jeans are or that I hide my top half in shirts that are a not tight in the middle, or how my jeans are tighter.

You can only hide so long, lie to yourself so long..when my husband touches me I recoil again, hasn't happened in years. I hide my body from him and hope that he doesn't touch in certain places or notice how I now "jiggle" again or that my spare tire comes out over my jeans again. I don't want to live this way again, hating myself, punishing myself.

I am really looking at myself right now, the entire picture, and asking if I am better off than I was a year ago. No, I am not..it all adds up, if you take all these things together and really be honest, not lie to myself, than I have to admit that it adds up to trouble. I have been telling myself that "its not so bad" I will drop this weight when the weather gets nicer, I will be able to drop the lbs when I don't' hurt anymore or when I have energy this spring.." Well, its not just about the weight anymore, I am not healthy.

While a little extra weight, or one or two health issues alone are not too bad, all of it at once is too much and its yelling at me, staring me right in the face, telling me to wake up and be accountable for what I am putting into my body. Before I know it I will rationalize myself back up to over 200 lbs. I am 186 today. My lowest weight was a year ago 147. I have made no progress in a year even though I kept telling myself I was "working on getting it together". I either do, or don't. I either want to be healthy, happy, like myself, or I dont'..I either eat what is good for me, control my portions, or I don't.

The food doesn't magically jump into my mouth, I put it there..no matter what I use as an excuse, my binge eating, hard day at work, I really just deserve a piece of that or some of this and shouldn't feel guilty, well that is NOT true. I have not been accountable for my actions, and then I stare at myself in the mirror all depressed and say what happened? Why am I gaining, how did the fat come back? Well, I put it there, its plain and simple.

I am going thru things today and I'm determined to go back to what works, watching the portions, weighing and adjusting, drinking my water, eating my lc veggies, and real meals. I don't want to take blood pressure meds, blood sugar meds, and feel sluggish every day all day. I don't want to say to myself I wish I had energy to do this or I want to try that but no self confidence and afraid of feeling silly. I don't want to cringe each time my husband reaches for me and be embarrassed of my body. I did this, I've created this problem.

I have been armed with all the facts for years, worked Atkins and been successful, happy and healthy..I just haven't wanted to admit that the real problem has been me. That for some reason I haven't wanted to be happy with myself, healthy, that I haven't wanted it more than I have wanted the food.

It is about the food, it always is..I am controlled by food, weak, and it is embarrassing to know that my own lack of self control is what has put me in this position again. I am determined not to gain another pound. If I gain one, I will gain ten..its that simple. It has to stop. I needed to put this down somewhere. I haven't opened up to anyone in my life, shared these feelings or info, and no one else (besides those of us here) would understand. I have to take control again, believe in myself. No magic pill can do this for me.
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Old 03-09-2014, 06:38 PM   #2
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Dearest Mainecyn,

Hugs and BIG LOVE from NH!!! You are not alone and you can do it!! Losing is hard and maintenance is hard!! Be kind to yourself...all of us "weight-reduced" people are fighting a chemical message that is telling us that we are starving...that is one of the reasons we are driven to eat/overeat.... And why maintenance is a lifetime struggle!

As far as responses to spouses, I feel the exact opposite....I felt more confident and firmer with more weight...now wrinkly and jiggly.....it's all in the eyes of the beholder!

It's a journey...one step/meal/day at a time!!!

-Lulu NH
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Old 03-09-2014, 06:51 PM   #3
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When I read your post I feel like you are reading my thoughts. I am a Type 2 diabetic, extremely over weight, heart burn all the time, and multiple other health issues. My DH and myself have been talking about getting healthy, and your post helps me to realize that I am kidding no one and I need to get it going. Thanks for being so open and honest.
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Old 03-10-2014, 06:21 AM   #4
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((( hugs )))

If you've done it before, you can do it again.

When I read your list of all the things you want to take on right now, it made me wonder if you're jumping in with too much at once? Maybe start with one or two changes and add another each week? Or maybe you're someone who does better just ripping off the bandaid?

I suspect most of us on this site have lost before and regained (although I've never been as successful as you - 100 pounds, wow!)

What about joining in on daily accountability on one of the challenges, like lose 5 pounds or Easter?
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Old 03-10-2014, 08:46 AM   #5
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Maincyn... oh your post just made me hurt inside for you and me (I am kinda in the same mental frame of mind). First I have to say it is so good seeing you here again! You have been missed. and Second.. you are strong and WONDERFUL.. yes YOU ARE! You can get healthy again and feel strong in your mind.. I know just by writing this to you.. I feel stronger and more commited. You are a success story.. it is just being written now!

HUGS and kindness to you! (Please hug yourself and tell yourself that you LOVE YOU!)
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Old 03-10-2014, 10:44 AM   #6
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Welcome back Maincyn.
1st I want to way I am sorry about all of your health issues! I can certainly understand feeling depressed and turning to food.
2nd I want to point out something I think is very positive. You have brought yourself back before you gained ALL your weight back. You have done Atkins and lost almost 100 lbs. This time you only have to lose 39 lbs to get back to your lowest weight. I don't say "only" lightly...but 39 is certainly less overwhelming than 100! I think it's awesome that you are getting control of your life now...before it gets even worse.

And you are right...we understand and we are here any time you need to open up and need someone to listen. We all want to see you succeed and start to feel better.

Hope you will join us in the challenges. They are a great way to reach those short term goals and get closer to the long term one!
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