Weight Loss Support - Sabatoging Husband
12-11-2006, 08:14 AM
I find it hard enough to try and eat healthy without my husband trying to make me eat things I do not want to eat. I have been doing so well lately but my husband keeps trying to sabatoge me.
Tonight I was watching a tv show when my husband came home with a box of chocolates. He knows chocolate is the food I find hardest to resist. He proceeded to eat some and offered me some, I refused him twice. He came up to me and tried to put chocolate in my mouth. I clamped my mouth shut and refused to eat any. I then asked him what he was trying to do to me. He got mad and swore at me and threw the chocolates on the table. I can never get an answer from him when I ask him why he does this. This has happened many times in the past and even though I refuse to eat them and dont yell back at him he hasn't stopped this. I find it so upsetting that I was crying tonight. I have tried to talk to him when he is over being mad but he refuses to talk about it.
I want to stay strong and not give in but my husband makes this sooooo hard. Any advice would be appreciated.
12-11-2006, 10:22 AM
I had some problems a bit like that when I first started. Now hubby is fully on board and has lost about 70 pounds!!
It may help you to have a conversation with him when he's NOT trying to shove food in you. Maybe you can both be calmer. Explain to him how it makes you feel when he does this and why you feel it's sabotage.
He may not be able to tell you WHY he does it, but maybe you can, over time, get the message across that this behavior, while he may THINK it comes from love, IS sabotaging you.
If he insists it's from love, maybe give him other ideas about how he can show that love. If he doesn't understand why it's sabotaging your efforts, you can explain that. Again, he may not accept that right away, but you have to keep trying.
It took me a long time to get my husband to understand that buying me food I love was counterproductive to what I wanted.
12-11-2006, 12:22 PM
I used to have the same problem with my boyfriend at the time. He would ask me three times in a row if I wanted cheese (my weakness) and then he would shove it right up to my face to try to get me to eat it. It was a long, slow process to get him to understand that "these are my new eating habits; nothing you do or say will change that, so get used to it."
It will take time to get your husband to understand that the act of trying to force food on you is not an act of love or hospitality; it's the opposite. I definitely give you props for resisting so far. When I had to deal with that, it helped me to remember a Buddhist quote I had read: "It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways."
It can be hard for someone to see his partner improving herself without feeling left behind. Just be strong and patient. You'll succeed.
12-11-2006, 12:27 PM
It may be that your husband is just insecure. He could be worried that when you lose all of the weight, he won't be good enough for you anymore and you'll want to go out and find someone else.
Hey, doll, take it as a compliment. You're just that great of a person :D
Sit down and have a serious talk with him when you both are calm. Tell him that this is something that you really want... for both of you. You want to be healthy and happy so that you can grow old with him so that you can be healthy enough to run around and play with your grandchildren. Tell him that this is something that makes you happy, and food doesn't make you happy anymore. Let him know that you appreciate the gestures, but, you'd appreciate a boquet of roses much more than a box of chocolates.
12-11-2006, 07:22 PM
Thanks ladies, I will keep on trying to get him to see my point of view. I guess time and patience is the key to this. Hopefully he will listen even if he won't respond.
12-11-2006, 07:26 PM
Please forgive me if I'm overstepping any bounds here, but...do you think it's possible he has a "thing" for curvier women? He may be afraid that you'll lose too much weight for his personal tastes.
I just thought I'd throw out the possibility. Have you gained or lost weight since you met/married him? Just curious.
12-12-2006, 05:55 AM
callystia, I don't mind questions they might help me figure out why he is acting this way. I did get a apology today which is a step in the right direction. He did say he doesn't know why he does this. We have been married for 33 years. I was 110 lbs when I met him and remained around the same weight until about 5 years ago. He says he prefers me thin.
12-12-2006, 10:21 AM
Gosh, if that's the case, then he's just a jerk, isn't he?
Next time you say "No" 3 times and he shoves something into your face, knock the box of chocolates across the room! Then maybe he'll get it! Telling him in a nice way obviously doesn't work.
12-12-2006, 10:31 AM
Right on Jay!!!!!!!!!
12-12-2006, 02:06 PM
quite frankly, obnoxious jerk was what came to mind...
if he isnt normally, then yeah- trying to figure ouit why this is threatening to him in someway...
12-12-2006, 02:37 PM
My husband loves food, and he LOVES having someone to eat WITH HIM. He is one of those "I can eat anything and not gain weight" kind of guys, too. I never had a weight problem until I was married. My 100 pounds of weight went on over the course of being married for 30 years. After just a bit of analysis of the situation I figured out that I had literally been feeding into HIS NEED to have an eating partner! (Now, of course food IS wonderful and delicious, but it was doing me a lot more damage than just providing me with nourishment!)
I continue to battle food issues regarding this with my husband! I DO think that he sees me getting smaller and really isn't sure why I prefer that to eating what he's eating!
He loves all the things that are triggers for me, too. I have had to have resolve up the wazoo these last few years that I have been losing the weight!
My advice: Lose the weight anyway! I know I have been most interested in doing that. I figure that if my husband KNOWS my wishes and chooses to IGNORE those wishes...well, I'm no more screwed than I ever was AND I'll get thinner to boot!
12-12-2006, 03:52 PM
Just curious, is he overweight also? Has he gained weight in the last 5 years too? Or even if he isn't, are you his eating buddy? And you've said he's done this in the past, was it only while you are trying to diet or over the course of your marriage? It's obviously a control issue, trying to make you do something you don't want to do. It has nothing to do with food. If he wanted to bring home something you'd like and could share, he could bring flowers or a DVD to watch. Just me 2 cents. I concur with the rest, he needs some self reflection and a change in attitude on the way he deals with things. Don't you dare think it's about you!!! You are doing GREAT!!!
12-13-2006, 09:19 PM
First of all, I want to say WOW...33 years! You guys must be doing something right! :hug:
My first thought was also insecurity on his part. He may prefer you thin, but he may also know that there are others that may also. He may have gotten secure in the marriage and may now wonder if maybe your changes have something to do with wanting to move on.
I also want to second the "eating partner" idea, I know a number of people who do that. He may feel odd about his own behavior and you not engaging may throw light on what he's doing.
Either of these may be reasons why he has trouble articulating why he's doing what he's doing. It may not be a conscious thought.
Either way, after 33 years, my money is on you guys working it out! ;)
12-13-2006, 10:00 PM
This all sounds like great advice. Also try approaching him with the health issues of not eating stuff that will cause you to have health problems. Help him imagine the risk and medical issues that could occur if you continue to eat the way he wants you to.
12-15-2006, 05:22 AM
I agree he was being a jerk, even a obnoxious jerk lol Thanks for the laugh because I agree. Thankfully most of the time he is not one.
Cheryl what you have said rings so true. I have been his eating partner for years and I was lucky that I hadn't gained weight for most of those years. It is a big change for him. I will rarely go out for dinner any more, we use to go out 4-5 times a week. Many evenings were spent watching a movie at the theater or at home which included food. He is just going to have to suck it up and get use to it. I'm far from perfect with my food plan but I intend to lose this weight and that means lots of changes for me and for him.
TwoPeasInAPod: I have recently become diabetic so even more reason for me to stay away from junk food
sumu1: He said he is starting to think of why he had such a mean out burst of emotion. This has only been the last few years of me trying to diet. He has always eaten whatever he wants and never gained weight.
cantforgetthis: Thanks, most of the time we make this marriage work well. There is always room for improvement though. He does have trouble articulating why he's doing what he's doing. I'm not sure weather it is a conscious thought or not.
Thanks everyone I appreciate the responses.