So my sister-in-law was once much larger than me. We have very similar builds & bone structures & are the same height. The problem is that she has been struggling with bulimia/anorexia for the last couple of years. She currently weighs 108lbs (which means she is literally bones & skin).
Now this is the sick part. She has gone from 135 to 108 since September (that's 27lbs lost) & it really pisses me off that I cannot get the same results when I am working so hard at it. I know it is irrational & what she is doing is terribly unhealthy but oh is it ever tempting....
Thanks for letting me get that off my shoulders. Sigh - I will feel so relieved when I've gotten down to my goal weight!
12-08-2006, 01:28 AM
I've just begun this whole journey and many times I've looked at my friends who have taken the "easy" way out, most whom have had the bypass surgery. Just the word surgey scares me, and after reading many of the posts on this site, I'm more willing to go on my own and make a difference this time and achieve my goals. You're not alone in being tempted and I'm glad you had the courage to bring up a situation not many would be willing to talk about.
12-08-2006, 02:33 AM
You aren't alone in those feelings. I was watching a documentary about anorexics not too long ago and as pathetic and heart-wrenching their stories were and as horrible as most of them looked, as a lifelong compulsive overeater, a part of me was a little jealous that they had such "control" over their eating. But when you think about it, they are as out of control as I have been with food, just in the opposite way, and neither state is enviable.
While at times I feel like I would do anything to be thin and not trapped in this current body, at the end of the day, I'd much rather be healthy enough to enjoy my future thinness. That means doing this the right way. Shortcuts and promises of quick success are rarely the answer to this problem. It's understandable why you'd be tempted by her "success" and you're wise to recognize the danger of her approach.
12-08-2006, 02:39 AM
As a teenager, I went through the double whammy, anorexia/bulimia... with a side order of binge and burn... there's times still when the brain starts leading me that way... for me now, it's still that desperate search for the magic pill... at least mentally, and we all, at some point in the journey, whether we have had the problem in the past, or know someone now, with an ED, or who have gone surgical, have had those feelings... either the temptation, the being pissed, or a combination. I fight it because I KNOW what I looked like at my lowest, what I looked like after going from an adorably chubby (if I do say so myself) normal 14 year old who loved to play football and walk all over town everyday, just because... to a skeletal mess with hanging skin from rapid weightloss and no energy to climb a staircase, unless I turbo binged 36 minutes before... I had it timed... I know how I felt, and the damage I did to my body... no thanks... I want the body that good old fashioned work will give me... strong, not too skinny...with EFFORT written all over it :) Maybe that's why I sabotaged my last big weight loss... it was too easy (never thought THAT would be a problem). I don't want to have to worry about skin removal... I don't want to go through the horrors that some of my friends have through and after surgery.. and most of all, I DON'T want to put myself through that again. Stay strong, you're taking the right road... it's bumpy, it's long, but it's worth it!
12-08-2006, 07:07 AM
I have a friend that recently went through a bad breakup and dropped (what she says is) 40 pounds. It gets frustrating to me that she dropped it all in 2 months and I have busted my a$$ to lose my 63 over 6 months of hard work. I very rarely go off plan while she is sitting in a meeting the other day eating french fries and drinking a milkshake talking about "how proud of us" she is. Whenever someone asks me how I am losing weight or how much I have lost, she chimes in that she's dropped 40, but it was "so much harder". I am so glad that this thread popped up, I have been dying to vent some frustration, but I don't want to be a bad friend.
12-08-2006, 07:14 AM
No, no, no, no, no you do not want to go your SIL's route, as tempting as that may be. Don't mean to be graphic here, but do you really want to spend your whole life stooped over a toilet bowl? What a way to live, to have lost so much weight so quickly with her build she must be spending all day stooped over. Or getting by on a few crumbs of food, or some lettuce leaves. Imagine how horrible and out of control she must feel? The food's still got a hold on her - big time. You are doing this the RIGHT way, it sure as heck might be the slow way, but in the long run you know it's worth it. You will have control over food and be at optimal health both physically and mentally. You will have a longer more productive life because of it. I don't know where either of you stand as far as children go for the future, but could you imagine what she will be teachng her children? It's too scary to even think about it. Could you imagine what you will be teaching your children? That eating right and exercising will give you a healthy and productive life. You'll be teaching them just by example, they will never have to struggle like you are now. Eating right and exercising will be a normal way of life for them.
I can tell just by reading your NSV's just how happy and PROUD you are to achieve each and every goal. We all know what a great feeling that is, and that comes with hard work and hard work will produce the results that you want. You have much to be proud of and we are all so proud of you as well - you're SIL, not so much.
12-08-2006, 08:03 AM
LIfeguard, this is so weird because I have the same exact situation going on with a very important person in my life. I recently found out she does the same thing, and I thought to myself...all these years I thought she was working hard at keeping herself in shape and I just have no control....to find out that wasn't the case all along. I definitely don't want to go that route but before she told me that my mind had gone there a few times...when I had overeaten and was feeling gross about it. Talking to her about it has cemented my mind about it, I'll never do it...I know you won't either but I understand your feelings completely.
12-08-2006, 11:56 AM
I understand the frustration..... but when you hit your goal weight your hair will not be falling out, your teeth will not be rotting away and you will not be burning away the lining of your esauphogus. You will be fit and healthy, and the quality of your life will be so improved.... the quality of hers will not! You will have learned to not let food control your life.... while she will still be controlLed by what she can eat, what she can't eat, and what she must purge. You will be in a much better place!!!!!!
I know about the temptation. I am a binge eater... so many times I've literally been in pain because I've eaten so much. I've tried to purge to make myself feel better... and I've never been able to do it. Now let me tell you that when I was pregnant with my son, I was so sick that I threw up all day everyday for 7 months. That cured me of ever considering trying to purge again. That is no way to live!!!!!!
12-08-2006, 12:43 PM
It is hard for us to see the pain she must feel internally that drives her to restrict and binge and purge. But she wouldn't be doing it unless she was in pain, and that is sad :( Not only that, but on top of all this pain, she may likely have a steep climb uphill restoring herself back to health, learning healthy and effective coping mechanisms, feeling good about herself, worthy, loving, etc. And she will either have to climb this hill or stay in pain and waste away. And if she does climb... hopefully she will get back all the way up rather than reach halfway and live the rest of her life in limbo. Imagine the pain of a mind that is tortured by and obsessed with self-judgment, insecurity, and revolves around food.. shame.. hiding. Then, all the physical health dangers... cardiac problems, osteoperosis, GI irritation, dental problems, and many more. Most likely problems with relationships... how can you truly be part of something, be that relationships with other people or even work committment when most of your thoughts during your waking hours are about how inadequate and worthless you are? It's hard to truly focus on anything else that way... and it is so sad to see experience that...
Then there is our slow, productive, frustration but victory filled weight loss when we are doing our whole bodies benefits.. our hearts are becoming healthier, our intestines surely appreciate healthy fat high fibre foods, our bodies benefit from all the water we drink, from the positive messages we can give ourselves as we are on this journey, for caring about ourselves so very much that we want to be healthy and be good to ourselves! I feel it is difficult too.. and sometimes frustrating.. but in the end, I think we are trying to be happy too, and I know I won't feel happy while starving myself to lose pounds, knowing that I'm also losing muscle and bone mass, and then afterwards, who knows what we'd have to eat or not eat to maintain it, plus the constant paranoia of having to starve oneself just to not gain it back.
It's hard Lifeguard.. I know.. but I think it is worth it. Most things worth having are gained through effort... In this case, it will be weight loss! Hang in there hun! You can do this and we'll be here cheering for you along the way! :hug:
12-08-2006, 12:52 PM
I know this may not be quite the same, but I understand the feeling. I have quite a few friends who have weight loss surgery. I was was VERY jealous of their smaller bodies and how quickly the weight fell off. I was very TEMPTED a while back to do it, but decided good old hard work was what I wanted. I wanted the satisfaction of knowing I could do it with food and excercise and I don't want to worry about other health problems. As I get further along Losing weight is one goal, but know I love that I can walk 3 miles with weights and I can eat a reasonable meal and that I am in control.
Your friend will eventually have to deal with her issues physically and mentally and mean while you'll be healthier for sticking to what your doing.
12-08-2006, 02:15 PM
I totally know how you feel. When I met my husband 8 years ago my SIL was bigger than me and since then she has had one child and i have had 4. She is now smaller than she was then and I am waaaay bigger. She tries not to eat and goes out at night and drinks and smokes to not eat. She is obsessed with her looks in a bad way. She used to be an athlete but now looks like a Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan wannabe. It infuriates me that she got so thin so quickly and i only hope that after all my hard work i will look AND feel good.
12-08-2006, 04:39 PM
Be warned this might get a bit graphic
Just coming from personal experience of someone who has been around eating disorders for a long time trust me it is no way to live. Though we are all in our own battles with food nothing I have ever seen compares to the sickness and obsession that I have seen in these men & women. Because of the nature of my job, preforming arts, I have seen this a lot with actors, actresses and dancers alike and let me tell you they have always seemed miserable and constantly trying to meet an unattainable standard. The individuals I have seen entire lives revolve around obsessive compulsive behavior, depression, and food and over exercise. There were two cases that I remember the most and I will never ever forget them. The first was my neighbor growing up. The obsession started in middle school, over the years she was hospitalized and force fed via a tub multiple times. When we graduated high school she weighed about 70lbs. Her hair thinned, the enamel on her teeth rotted away, and she began having heart problems at the age of 17. Also through out it all she developed severe suicidal depression and a massive drug addiction. The second was years later when I was in college, a dancer who would eat diet pills by the handful and would bounce between starving herself and binge/purging, at one point she was just at about 500 calories a day. They finally stopped casting her and she was hospitalized multiple times, also suffering massive depression, heart problems, even broken bones etc. Her lowest weight was about about 80lbs and I remember being at parties with her, and she would have a couple of drinks and be so incredibly drunk that she would just eat and eat and eat and then spend the rest of her night hysterical with anything shoved down her throat hovering over a toilet.
From a distance there is something that seems easy about it, that you could get away with it for a while and then stop when you are where you want to be. Well, its a sickness and an addiction....sorta like heroine or cocaine....or food, or smoking, or alcohol. I think of it and realize that it is not any better or more glamorous than how I was able to lazily eat myself to 240lbs, I remember what a woman my height and build looks like at 70lbs and that concealing an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia is just as bad as hiding in my car eating a cheeseburger. Its frightening, dangerous and heart- wrenchingly sad and painful. That keeps me knowing that quick fixes of any sort are not the answer and that by trying to do this the healthy way and succeeding I'll be able to enjoy life when I'm thin by living a healthy lifestyle, and not waste it by being sick and doing worse damage to my body than I've already done.
12-08-2006, 05:15 PM
My mom was anorexic her entire life and her eating habits ended up being my eating habits. I always though that the way she ate was the way everyone was supposed to eat. I thought that all women were supposed to weigh 105 pounds and it was healthy.
She didn't feed me much and sometimes when alone with food, like at Grandma's, I would binge because my body was literally starving. Even when I didn't eat much, my body put on the pounds, which made her starve me even more. When I got married and was away from her and could buy my own food, I had a huge lack of control, so I gained more pounds. I didn't know how to eat and even 15 years later, I'm still learning. In fact, it was only recently that I realized she was anorexic and I was still trying to eat the way she taught me to eat. :mad:
Mom died at around 88 pounds in 2001. She starved herself to death. Over what? So men would find her attractive. So she would be loved and beautiful. She was already beautiful, inside and out. She didn't need to become thinner. It's not the way to go.
Try to not envy anyone that is anorexic or dealing with bulimia. I know it is hard to not envy them and it is not fair that some people can just stop eating and lose it all and we work our butts off with such slow and few results. But...it's better to do it slow and healthy than to end up sick or worse.
Just hang in there and be healthy.
12-09-2006, 12:05 AM
Thank you everyone for your support. Please know my eyes are wide to the realities - but a part of it just seems like a sick joke from the powers that be. Her & I are like the antithesis of each other - lol!
Unfortunately she doesn't really have any friends & my in-laws are not so very understanding so I am THE support in her life. Today I went with her to the dr. & the test results came back showing that her kidney functioning is declining - not good.
I will continue on the track I'm on - but I'll still hate standing beside her - lol!
12-09-2006, 04:20 PM
I will continue on the track I'm on - but I'll still hate standing beside her - lol!
Hate her all you want, but I am thinking your kidneys are pretty happy.
12-10-2006, 11:19 AM
12-12-2006, 12:28 AM
It's much easier to lose weight than it is to grow new kidneys.
You are definitely going down the right road, trust me. It might be longer but you'll come out much, MUCH better off. Stay tough!
12-13-2006, 02:18 PM
I had a friend that went the starving route to lose weight. I remember when she started to not eat, she would tell me that she ate a bagel with all the filling scooped out with some tomato slices and that's all she would eat for the day. We would go out and order food she would eat a few select things and then say she was being bad and she'll just not eat the next day. I told her what she's doing is wrong but the weight was dropping off like crazy and she was getting all kinds of compliments. She is my best friend and confessed to me after she lost all the weight that she had some serious stomach problems and would never go this route again to lose weight. She has had two kids since than and maintains a slim figure. However, she has all kinds of excess skin hanging from her stomach and arms, her butt is droopy, thighs jiggly and breasts are very saggy, this was before the kids. I see her struggles with food and eating and obsessively weighing herself. I certainly do not want to go through that. I hate that fact that she has so much self control but I just want to be normal and have normal eating habits. That was my 2 cents!