Weight Loss Support - lost weight = lost friends?




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Yael
11-08-2006, 09:31 PM
When you lost weight, did you loose friends? I noticed the ladies in my old department at work were talking to me less. No more break invites, lunch invites, etc. I had to ask like 3 times to get us together for lunch. We finally all went out to lunch -- and at least 20% of the conversation was them giving me grief about my food. "Order something with french fries", "I bet you eat salad at night too", "all you eat is hummus and tofu". You get the idea. It was fricken miserable. Even the poor waiter felt sorry for me.

When I kept gaining the weight back , they were so supportive. Now that I've finally got the weight down, they are all critism. At least (at the end of the meal) one of them she was jealous because she knew she needed to start but just couldn't get motivated. If you were looking for an apology there, keep looking. There wasn't one.

Women suck. But at least I won't have to worry about too many calories from going out to lunch too often.

Thanks for letting me vent.


callystia
11-08-2006, 09:37 PM
It does happen sometimes. I hate it, but I think it's a combination of jealousy and the fact that our society is so food-oriented. Some of my friends don't like the fact that I don't want to go with them to the local barbecue joint or all-you-can-eat buffet, etc. :(

futuresurferchick
11-08-2006, 09:51 PM
Sorry to hear about your bad experience... at least the one woman was self-aware enough to realize and admit she was jealous.

I haven't lost any friends yet. I used to worry a lot about that happening but now I see that most of my friends have adjusted. I haven't seen one good friend of mine in about 6 months and she has always been a bit overweight but never as big as I was. I worry that when I eventually see her again, she will feel bad or awkward if I weigh less than her. But who knows, maybe she has lost weight just like me.


Allycatisfat
11-08-2006, 09:53 PM
It is a jealousy issue. They are feeling bad about themselves and you, with your new healthy habits, are blatantly pointing that out to them without actually saying anything.

You need to tell them that their critizing you hurts your feelings. It's not YOUR problem that they are still eating fries and cookies.

Good for you for sticking with your health goals. :hug:

~Ally

boaterswife
11-08-2006, 09:55 PM
Sorry you've had to go through this. Friends should be there to root you on, not be petty because they wish they had the will power and motivation to do what you're doing. Women can be horrible creatures! Know that WE are all excited and happy for you!

hoodj0080
11-08-2006, 10:03 PM
My best friend gets weird when I mention my lost weight. She doesn't get mad, but she's the kind of person who bottles up her feelings and then explodes. I'm also getting married in 6 months and she's the maid of honor. I have a real hard time getting her to help me with anything wedding related. She's heavier than me, and she is miserable with her boyfriend--She admits she is only with him because of their baby.
I try not to rub my weight loss or wedding in her face, but I want to share these happy moments with my friend and it's hard because she's so subdued about everything...

MoragMunch
11-08-2006, 10:04 PM
This is such an odd post because today, I noticed that one of my friends --a size 2 -- seems to befriend woman who are heavy. She seems to surround herself with them. And I started to wonder, is she just friendly and they happened to be who she got along with or is there some sort of insecurity there?

UWPiPhiAngel
11-08-2006, 10:12 PM
My best friend from middle school gained a lot of weight in high school and stopped hanging out with me. One of our mutual friends (a guy) told me later on that she probably didn't want to hang out with me anymore because I reminded her of how bad her life is compared to mine. I really didn't want to lose her as a friend but there was nothing I could do. She ended up becoming best friends with this other girl and all they did was skip school, drink beer, and smoke pot so I eventually had to let go of trying to save the friendship. I hung out with her a couple times after she lost weight but she still had too many life/family issues to deal with.

This will never happen with my current best friend because she is a very confident person. In fact, I'm trying to lose weight so I can catch up with her confidence! Last year, I was worried that she would become jealous of the fact that I was making so much money, but nope... she was still just as generous when I went to visit. For a second I thought I heard a bit of jealousy in her voice but I'm sure she's over it because she married a guy who's about to graduate from law school and make lots of money.

Yael
11-08-2006, 11:09 PM
It's actually very sad when you stop and think about it. Women have come so far, but we are still hung up on our looks and rating eachother on how successful our menfolk are. I feel like I should break into to "I'm only Sandra Dee" from Grease.

I've just had a really difficult adjustment to this stuff. It's difficult to realize that your friends really don't wish you well. When I first noticed the changes in these friends, my bf told me I was imagining it. Men just don't get dumped by their friends for crap like this.

I have to say though: I do have two heavy friends who have been nothing but supportive. So its not all heavy women. In fact, one of the buddies giving me a hard time is a size 14. She made sure to tell me that she weighs less than me by 6 pounds. OK, I told her. You're thinner than me. (I was smart enough not to mention I was wearing a size 10)

I need to figure out how to make new friends. Seems to get harder as you get older.

kateful
11-08-2006, 11:19 PM
I had to stop spending much time with someone who I had considered a friend at work. I've been fighting the fat fight for the whole five years I've been at this job. She'd be right there with me talking about what she was doing to lose weight.

When we would go out for lunch, though, she'd pick up the dessert advertisement on the table and make smacking noises and talk about how good it looked and how we should order one. The deal is, though, that she has said in the past repeatedly how she doesn't even really like desserts but has more trouble avoiding bread and crackers. She knows *I'm* the one who has sugar issues, which is why she would go on and on about it--trying to sabotage me.

I've stopped going with her. I bring my lunch and eat at my desk. It's a lot cheaper and I've lost almost 20 pounds. I'm way too old for that kind of stuff anymore.

UWPiPhiAngel
11-08-2006, 11:36 PM
One of the girls in my Weight Loss Camp gained a pound last week. She told me that once people in her office heard that she was doing the camp, everyone started taking turns treating her to lunch! However she's actually very skinny so maybe that's why the people around her are concerned.

lilybelle
11-08-2006, 11:48 PM
I have noticed that around my friends that do act jealous, I try to minimalize my wt. loss accomplishment. Say something to the effect of "I just did it for my health, you realize that I had to". "If I could eat whatever I wanted, I would certainly do it too".

I have had a lot more problem with my younger sister being jealous than anyone. She doesn't return my calls and we almost never see each other except at Holidays and live only 1 hr. apart. She is quite over-weight and she makes rude comments about my wt. loss. I learned from my other sister that Linda had been recently hosptialized for a STROKE and no one had even let me know. Apparently it was a mini-stroke and she's back at work now. But, Geez. BTW, she quit taking her blood pressure meds a long time, thought she didn't need it. I kept telling her to take them and she wouldn't do it. Our whole family has hypertension.

SwimGirl
11-09-2006, 02:17 AM
I lost my best friend earlier this year, the sad part was that I had only lost like 5-10 pounds at that time. She was obsessed with food, wouldn't eat for a day or two, and talked about being "fat" ALL the time. When I started taking steps to get healthy and take care of ME (which included going away for 5 weeks to focus only on me), she started getting distant and avoided me. She later told me that she thought I was obsessed and needed help, and shortly after that wouldnt have anything to do with me anymore. Sad.

You know what I find odd? Lots of women I talk to see the feminist movement of the 80's and 90's as something negative, that you must hate men to be a feminist. They are allowed to think what they want, but I need to point out that real meaningful friendships are becoming more and more scarce. I used to have another friend who decided to stop hanging out with me because I wasn't single and into going to clubs every night. I'd rather be accused of hating men in exchange for having a good friend! I miss shopping with a girl instead of my boyfriend! Or how about a friend who understands PMS?!?

-Aimee

YP1
11-09-2006, 03:38 AM
I haven't lost any friends. What I have lost are people who I had very little in common with, but who I would socialise with over food and alcohol. Take that away and I realised how little we actually share, but I used them to kill time.

Now I have new friends, who I have more in common with because I've met them through healthy type stuff - at running club, on here, and because we have shared interests. And some of my old "true" friends have been wonderfully supportive too, without my weight loss affecting our relationship.

lipidful
11-09-2006, 09:03 AM
I lost a friend about 15 months ago. We had been friends for almost 20 years. I had lost about 65 pounds at the time and my divorce was final and I had just met someone new. I don't know what triggered this conflict-if it was a combination of factors, but I feel like she pushed me away BEFORE I could do the same to her (and I had no intention of doing so). I had only had one weekend date with my new guy when she started on me about how I was going to desert her, etc. and things blew up. She's a beautiful girl and her heaviness does not detract from this. I think she was making bad choices with men but I never said anything because it seemed to be the thing she needed at the time. I was looking for something long term and stable and it seemed she was interested in "having fun". I never judged her, but if she had the same goal of something stable and met somebody, she'd be wanting to spend time w/him, too. Anyway, like I said, I'm not sure quite what was the actual cause of the friendship breakup, but it coincided with my weight loss and new relationship (which is still going well). There were some things said that a strong friendship should have been able to handle, so I don't know why all this happened. Oh gosh, sorry for the novel. I think I got off track. :(

Sunnigummi
11-09-2006, 09:25 AM
lipidful, I like reading people's stories. I'm nosy like that... hehe :D

I haven't lost any friends yet mainly because the 12 or so lbs I have lost so far have been the 12 or so lbs I gained due to school stress. I'm STILL 15-20 lbs overweight so I guess I shouldn't worry yet. :p My friends are on the small - tiny side so they *shouldn't* have a problem with my weight loss. In fact, both of them are runners and when I tell them of my little accomplishments (with running), they're both incredibly supportive. One of them even pointed out that I looked like I had lost weight and this was before I said anything about the running! Not to make you feel bad, Yael (and others), but you need to make new friends. These are not worth your time and effort. You're better off being their aquaintances.

Yael
11-09-2006, 10:08 AM
Aimee -- I was really touched by what you said. I think the meaningful friendships our moms had are disappearing. I'm a single mom who works full time, goes to grad school part time, and tries to be healthy example to my son. I don't scrapbook, brag about my man, or obsess about my son's progress in pee-wee football. Where I live, that's what the women do. And when you stop and tink about it, all that attention is on someone else. The kids, the hubby. Where are their goals? You should have heard the ribbing I took at work when I started biking, and making exercise a priority.

I love feminism. I love that I can pay my own bills, live in my own house, and care for my own child. I make my own choices, and live with the consequences. It's a ton of work -- but I have freedoms my mom can't even imagine.

If loosing false friends is a price I have to pay, seems like its worth it to be healthy and energetic.

Nikaia
11-09-2006, 03:03 PM
It really is sad, where feminism has gotten these days. I'm 21, so I'm part of the...what are we now, third wave? Fourth?...anyway, I'm of the new generation of feminists, and really...it bugs me. I talk to other women, other college-educated women, who are buying into the patriarchal backlash over feminism. The accusations of man-hating. The continuing ideal of focusing on everyone else first. What happened to being our own people? What happened to independence and equality? Suddenly it's more about being sexy than being independent, and competing with other women more than being equals with everyone. It's really depressing, I've actually had arguments with other young women that we shouldn't call it "feminism" anymore, we should call it "equalism". Huh? Last I checked, men had it pretty damn good. Women were the ones trying to work their way up to equality. No, it's NOT about men. It's about women. Deal with it. Don't pander to insecure people who can't stand the idea of change in the way the world views gender.

Ahem. Stepping off my soapbox now. I guess the point is, women are really conditioned in our society to be jealous of each other, and competitive with each other. It keeps us from being competitive with men pretty effectively, after all. I had an experience with a friend in middle school...she was heavier than I was, and the first time I dared to wear a tank top to school, she wouldn't speak to me. Later she said she felt "left behind" because I was presenting myself as attractive but she couldn't.

Yael, keep looking. You'll find other women out there who don't buy into the jealousy thing. We do exist, trust me! ;)

almostheaven
11-09-2006, 03:44 PM
Not just friends, try family. It DOES make a difference, in both parties. For one, I want to eat healthy, so I always pick places with healthy fare. Now my mother, she's Tudor's Biscuit World this and Tudor's that. She claims it's because it's cheap and they can't afford Applebees. But where do they go with the pastor when I'm not with them? Yeah...Applebees. And she always does the "One time won't hurt" bit. Friends too. They sabotage because they are partly jealous, and because well...they haven't changed THEIR lifestyle. But...we have. And so it makes it hard on the relationship because we're different than we were. We eat at different places now. We don't do McD's anymore. Whereas we had no problems with it previously and that's where our friends/family want to go. So it makes the relationship hard from both ends and not just from those who aren't losing weight. I find I'm gravitating more towards smaller friends myself. Why? Because they're more likely to hit the park with me. They're the gals who show up to aerobics. They're the ones who love going to Ruby's for the salad bar. So they're the ones I'm more likely to hang out with.

lilybelle
11-09-2006, 03:55 PM
I agree that family can be the worst. Last yr. at Thanksgiving dinner we had about 35 people present at my sisters. While everyone was making their plates, I waited to make mine. My brother said "lily, you better get in here before the food is all gone". My sister piped right up and said "oh, just save her a piece of lettuce, that's all she eats". Now, that is just down right jealousy IMHO.

MoragMunch
11-09-2006, 05:29 PM
I think YP1 is right .... it isn't just about jealousy. If a person loses weight, suddenly the friend (if they are overweight themselves) has lost an eating buddy. Like alcoholics who do not want their friends to be sober. They feel like they are out of control because of the friends decision to lose weight.

Sojourner
11-09-2006, 05:58 PM
Well thin friends and family can also feel threatened... if they are used to you being fat and themselves being the attractive one at the center of attention... this can become a real problem for them.

With overweight friends/family they can be jealous but also you become a reminder of all the things they are doing wrong. Seeing you be successful can remind them of their own failings and issues.

Yael
11-09-2006, 07:03 PM
Funny about the family thing. My sister has always been the thin one. I finally (after about 15 years) got to a smaller size than her. When I offered to give her a couple of pairs of bluejeans that were practically new, she yelled at me.

My dad is really happy. He hated me bing fat. It used to drive him up a wall. My son wants me to keep going. He says "your're just a little bit fat now, Mum". Gotta love the honesty of a 7 year old boy.

So I still have some support.

Nikaia
11-09-2006, 08:42 PM
I remember reading about this in the Oprah magazine awhile ago. The thing is, everyone has an established "place" in the network of people. Everyone is pretty comfortable. It's a pattern. We know how these people all relate to each other and to us. It's safe.

But when someone makes big changes to herself - like losing weight - that suddenly shakes up the whole system. Now we have to relearn how we interact, what the power balance is, etc. That tends to make people feel unsettled, unsafe. This translates into crankiness, jealousy, and often sabotaging efforts, because if you sabotage someone into staying where they've always been...then you don't have to change anything.

It really makes sense. Luckily my family's been supportive...and I don't have very many friends, so I'm not too worried about that.

markieposter
11-09-2006, 09:47 PM
If you can remember that people who are unhappy with your success are unhappy with themselves, and not you, really, it's easier to take. It happens all the time, and I'm sorry it's happened with your friends. If you look at your relationships with these people, you have probably put up with bad, inconsiderate attitudes from them about other things but you forgave them, and let it go.

Congratulations on your success!

KnitALisa
11-09-2006, 10:26 PM
If loosing false friends is a price I have to pay, seems like its worth it to be healthy and energetic.

Sing it, sistah! And think about how much longer you'll be around for your son!

IAte86Crayons
11-20-2006, 01:27 AM
Some of your stories about losing friends makes me sad. I really hope it doesn't turn out that way for me and my best friend.

When I first started losing weight at the beginning of summer, my best friend (who's a size 5) started acting funny around me... almost like she was being threatened or challenged. And I remember at graduation/grad nite when we were discussing weight issues with some friends of ours, I brought up that I was working on losing weight and one of our guy friends randomly blurted out that I'd be "the hottest" once I lost weight (which is sort of a compliment but it made me sad that I can't be hot and chubby :rolleyes:) After that day, I've been losing weight consistently, and our friendship is good but I can tell she's not 100% supportive of me. We've been the hot girl and chubby, shy best friend combo for as long as I can remember and I don't think she's ready for that change.

kiwichic
11-20-2006, 07:10 PM
:( It is sad that others can't be happy for you, but it is in the end their problem. You need to have people around that you can get and give suport to without having to watch what you say.

Like one of the other ladies here said with your new life style you will meet people that you can relate to.
And change can be good :) .

You are doing the best thing for you and it be good for your family as well. So enjoy :carrot: :carrot: :carrot:

OnePerDecade
11-20-2006, 07:39 PM
Here's my theory on why women torpedo each other.

We are raised from early childhood with the concept that we are CHOSEN - men do the choosing. That makes all other women our competition. Even those who are married, lesbian, uninterested in men, whatever....every woman is a competitor. Since we are emotional fighters (as opposed to physical), we intuitively know how to hurt our competition the most -- attack their desirability. Sad, sad, sad...but true.

I think that the people who resent my weight loss do feel threatened by me. About 5 years ago, I went from 263 to 155 and got divorced. I went from being someone that people relied on at work to someone who was now a threat to the single women and a constant reminder to the overweight women that if I could do it, there was nothing stopping them from doing it too. I was asked if I was using coke by my manager, because the rumor mill was rampant (The rumor was started by a former friend of mine who was morbidly obese). I also heard that I was bulimic and that I had had bypass surgery. It makes me sad to think about how badly those women must have felt about themselves to go after me like that.

Now I'm back on track after pregnancy and other issues, down from 227 to 165 - and it's begun again. I don't even work at the same business any more and I am STILL being talked about! I figure it's out of my hands and as my mother taught me years ago, "Living well is the best revenge".

freiamaya
11-20-2006, 07:52 PM
I think it is all about relationships. When you have a friend, you have established a certain balance. Once you change (divorce, lose weight, move, get married, have kids, NOT have kids, etc.) the balance is disturbed. Some handle it better than others. Some have hidden agendas. Sometimes friendships have to go for your health!
I have experienced a "friend" say "Look at you! You aren't supposed to look better than ME! Or US [we were in a group]!" Needless to say, I don't hear from her at all, and she only lives three blocks away.
I have had a "friend" tell me that we couldn't be friends anymore as she only picks friends who are heavier than her.
These weren't real friends. Sigh. Not much else to add, other than it would be easier in some ways to regain the weight. NOT an option!!! What a dilemma!

SwimGirl
11-21-2006, 02:44 AM
My ex-friend once told me that she's not friends with anyone who has smaller thighs than her.. I totally thought it was a joke. But now I gotta wonder...

OnePerDecade - I have to slightly disagree with your theory, I was raised by a very feminist mother who was out to make sure that I was raised not to think that I need a man, or a relationship. The competition thing was not in my household at all, but I still get those feelings..

I wonder if it's a reality check? A lot of the time we are so into surviving, living moment by moment we forget to think of the whole picture. I know when I see people able to focus on losing weight, having a great job, good relationships I definitely remember those are my goals and I'm not doing it. Easier to avoid that than to really go out there and DO those things!

-Aimee

OnePerDecade
11-21-2006, 01:27 PM
Aimee - I can understand why you would disagree! I think you are a very fortunate woman to have a mother who was aware enough to raise you that way. I am trying very hard to raise my daughter that way too :) And I have an ex-friend who said the same exact thing about the thighs...how sad is that? She actually used her hand to measure my thigh vs her thigh when we were sitting on bar stools side by side and the fact that I was smaller (or so she said...I really didn't see a difference) ruined her night and pretty much our relationship.

junebug41
11-21-2006, 02:03 PM
Here's my theory on why women torpedo each other.

We are raised from early childhood with the concept that we are CHOSEN - men do the choosing. That makes all other women our competition. Even those who are married, lesbian, uninterested in men, whatever....every woman is a competitor. Since we are emotional fighters (as opposed to physical), we intuitively know how to hurt our competition the most -- attack their desirability. Sad, sad, sad...but true.

I think that the people who resent my weight loss do feel threatened by me. About 5 years ago, I went from 263 to 155 and got divorced. I went from being someone that people relied on at work to someone who was now a threat to the single women and a constant reminder to the overweight women that if I could do it, there was nothing stopping them from doing it too. I was asked if I was using coke by my manager, because the rumor mill was rampant (The rumor was started by a former friend of mine who was morbidly obese). I also heard that I was bulimic and that I had had bypass surgery. It makes me sad to think about how badly those women must have felt about themselves to go after me like that.

Now I'm back on track after pregnancy and other issues, down from 227 to 165 - and it's begun again. I don't even work at the same business any more and I am STILL being talked about! I figure it's out of my hands and as my mother taught me years ago, "Living well is the best revenge".

Isn't that so sad? I had a coworker a few years ago lose quite a bit of weight and our boss (who was just plain evil to begin with) made sure to tell everyone that the girl was bullemic, a drug addict, etc...

I'll tell you what, though. That spoke VOLUMES about my boss, not the girl who lost the weight. I think in the end it was about attention and it didn't matter if it was bad or good.

Also, good for you on your post-preggo progress! You look great in your pic!