General chatter - Better to get married young or older???




Tara D
11-05-2006, 04:13 PM
A similar topic came up recently on another thread that I saw, and I remembered that there was also a story on the Today show last week about this. So...I thought it might make for an interesting discussion. For those of you who got married young, would you do it again? For those of you who got married older (late 20's and up) were you glad you waited or do you wish you had tied the knot earlier? Opinions from unmarrieds welcome, too!

This is what I posted in a previous thread...I'm not married, so I can't say much for sure, but...

"I just turned 30, and I'm glad I didn't have a boyfriend in my teens and early 20's. I actually never wanted to get married before I was 25 (somehow knew this even as a teenager). I've definitely changed a lot in the last 10 years, and I feel like I have a better sense of who I am and how to relate to others. I think it is a very personal decision, and I personally believe that I would have been much more vulnerable to a less than desirable relationship when I was younger. Who knows, maybe I could have been lucky and met a wonderful person who could grow with me and respect me and who I could respect, but I think I would have needed more luck then to make that happen than now. I think I'd also be more likely (no guarantees of course) to stay HAPPILY married forever if I got married now than 10 years ago."


nelie
11-05-2006, 04:27 PM
I'm getting married two weeks from today and I'm 31 :)

I'll tell you, I am glad that I didn't get married when I was younger. I was able to experience life being single and learning about myself. When I was 25, I really felt like I figured out who I was and what I wanted to do in life. I didn't really feel like I fully knew myself until I was 25. I am definitely a different person than I was 10 years ago or even 5 years ago.

I know a lot of marriages end in divorce and I hope to not be one of those. From viewing some of the marriages of others who got married young, it seems like some people got married before they fully realized what they wanted to do with their life and once they figure out, their partner isn't the right person for them. That doesn't always happen because I've seen marriages of those that are younger that the couple was able to grow together and figure out things together. Other times though it seems like one person in the relationship grows in one direction and the other person grows in another direction which are too opposite to sustain the relationship.

brandnewme
11-05-2006, 04:40 PM
I'm 24 and have been married a year. I have to say that for me, this probably wasn't the best decision. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but I'm finding that even from when we got married, I am a different person. I'm learning a lot of new things about myself, figuring out what I want in life, and because I got married young, some of those things may now be out of reach. There are other problems with me and my husband that I'll not get into here, but suffice it to say that had I known what I know now, I probably would not have gotten married.


GoingGoal
11-05-2006, 04:47 PM
My husband and I were married when I was one month shy of 20 and he was 28. We bought our home a year later. We had our daughter when I was 24 our first son when I was 25 and our second son when I was 30. I am now 39 he is 47 and we have been happily married 19 years. I wouldn't change a thing. I enjoyed having my babies while I was younger and I am enjoying my now teens as I am entering my 40's. I still feel young enough to keep up with them but old enough to feel mature in raising them. :smug:

midwife
11-05-2006, 04:53 PM
I got married when I was 19. Wouldn't change a thing. We have grown up together. His family is my family. I can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. I am very lucky...and so is he! We have been married 14 years.

mommieof2
11-05-2006, 05:05 PM
I have been married 7 years in December, I was 18 when I got married and I wouldn't change a thing. It's tough sometimes but I love my husband, my 5 year old son and my 2 year old son.....they're my life....along with school and what not.

I think this will be a very interesting thread to follow.

Misty

Mom2QJandT
11-05-2006, 05:44 PM
I got married at 20. For me it didn't work out and I am now the divorced mom to three kids. We just changed so much as we got older, it was like we weren't the same people anymore. I think that it depends on the couple to be honest. We got married with both of us having doubts about it, so maybe it had nothing to do with our ages. I just know that I wouldn't want a 20 year old kid making lifelong decisions for me just based on how much more they need to learn.

lilybelle
11-05-2006, 06:11 PM
I'm a bad one to give advice, as I'm on my third marriage. I was 26 yrs. old the first time, 33 yrs. old the 2nd , and 37 yrs. old this time. I have now been married for 9 yrs. and this is my longest and happiest marriage, and definitely my last. I had my children at age 26 and 32. Sometimes, I wish I had had them when I was younger. I'm now 46 and while my friends and sisters all have grown kids, I still have a young DD at home. But, I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for the world.

rockinrobin
11-05-2006, 06:25 PM
I think it's best to get married when you find the right man, regardless of age.

I was married at 22, and am 4 months away from my 21st anniversary. I didn't necessarily "know who I was", but I did know this was one helluva guy and I wanted him. I think I'm first learning who I am now, so waiting would not have been an option. I think every decade brings changes. I'm sure my 50's will bring more changes. I had the last of my 3 children when I was 27. Is it easy all the time, oh no, not even close. But he was the right man and therefore I wasn't too young. And I think I just plain and simple got real lucky. My mother got married at 17, my father 19 and they're still together 48 years later.

srmb60
11-05-2006, 06:47 PM
We met at 15 and married at 18. Wouldn't have it any other way.
I agree with whoever said ... don't matter 'when' ... it matters 'who' ...

buckettgirl
11-05-2006, 07:34 PM
Would I marry my husband again at the same age?
I have to say yes, but only because I firmly believe in living life with no regrets. We met when I was 19 (he was 25 and divorced), he proposed 4 days later, and we got married about 2 1/2 years after that - I must clarify that we didn't have the intention of waiting that long, or waiting at all, it just took that long for us to have the money to get married. I just turned 22 a few weeks before our wedding in 2003 and my husband turned 28 a few weeks after we got married.
I don't regret a minute of it (somedays I wonder if I might not be a little off my rocker, but hey, its all worked out pretty good so far! :D). I would, however, regret having children this young. But getting married, Not at all. We've grown together and grown-up together. I've just ALWAYS felt that if you've found "the one," why bother to wait?

EZMONEY
11-05-2006, 09:05 PM
You have asked a difficult question ~ but seriously, the bottom line is both people have to want the marraige to work and are willing to work at it, if that isn't true then most likley the marraige will fail ~ either in divorce or staying together in misery. Doesn't matter much the age, although statistcally the older you are the more mature you SHOULD be!

I have been married twice, over ten years each time, and I will tell you that the older you get, the clearer you see things, and the clearer you understand that the one you so "can't stand" at the moment is the one God intended for you!

drake3272004
11-05-2006, 10:20 PM
I agree.....it's not the age that matters, it's the person and if they are right for you. I married my high school sweetheart at 20 (he was 21), but he wasn't the one for me. It was ALL wrong! I got remarried at 26 and even though it's been tough (we both have kids from previous marriages, so we have to deal with all these "extra" people in our lives) this one is going to make it:)

da fat n da furious
11-05-2006, 11:10 PM
I have been with my husband going on 21 yrs...I am 38 years old. We were very young but its worked for us...we have 2 boys, and have weathered many things...but always came threw it together.

jillybean720
11-05-2006, 11:15 PM
I'm 24 and don't plan on getting married till I'm at least 26. Jeff and I have been together for over 2.5 years already (and have been living together for over a year), but we're still "kids." I'm a very strong-minded individual, and I know who I am and what I want, but I have seen entirely too many relationships end when commitment came at too young an age. Sure, it works out for some, but why rush things? You've got the rest of your lives to decide, and not being married doesn't mean you can't be together.

I remember when I was 14 years old and my sister told me she was getting married (she was 19 at the time). Even then, I thought she was insane. I was crazy about her fiance, so it wasn't that I had any apprehensions about him for her, but she was JUST out of high school--so young. They were divorced 5 years later.

I still keep in touch with some of the same people I went to high school with, and we are DRASTICALLY different people now at 24 than we were at 19. I think people should take the time to explore the world and themselves before making what IMO should be a lifelong commitment (I know at any age, "lifelong" is not a guarantee, but why start out with the odds stacked against you?).

Tara D
11-06-2006, 09:13 AM
Good to see all these varied and interesting responses.

Trinity1004
11-06-2006, 09:49 AM
I meant my husband a few months after my highschool graduation. We dated 4 years before we got married and have been married for 5 years now (we were both 23). I would do it again in a heartbeat. Niether of us are the same people we were when we got married BUT the key is to grow together. We've been through things over the past few years that have been very life changing for us both but we stuck together and it has caused us to grow closer together instead of apart. I think that no matter how old you are life will continue to change and you will change as you experience different things over the years. It's all about making the commitment to growing and changing together and respecting the good changes your spouse has made. If your spouse changes for the very worse thats a different story IMO.

LadyFirelyght
11-06-2006, 10:41 AM
Communication is key to EVERY relationship. I'm 19 and currently with the guy I plan to marry within a couple years. I want to grow up and grow old with him and want to share in all my life's experiences (and his) with him. Time's are tough sometimes, but if you pull together and work through them, who knows how far you could go? Never before in my life have I met someone who was as perfect (for me) as he is. We play upon each others's strengths and weaknesses, giving a helping hand wherever we can. I'm not the same person I was even 8 months ago when we got together, neither is he. We've grown and matured more in this relationship than in any of our previous ones.

It's not about when you marry, it's about who.

GreatBigMonsterMomma
11-06-2006, 12:47 PM
I met my husband three weeks after I turned 18 and married him about a year and a half later, when I was 19.

I have always been "old for my age" as the saying goes, and since he joined the Navy at 19, he wasn't exactly immature either (he was 25 when we married). I don't think you can be immature when you're on your second enlistment. I am the same person I have always been, of course, and so is my husband. We have both grown, of course, but not apart.

I wouldn't be so full of myself as to make a blanket statement that you shouldn't get married at any particular age. You can say that young people don't know who they are yet (I can tell you I was never confused on that issue!), but you can also say that older folks are too set in their ways for the compromise that is sometimes necessary.

As others have said, it is the person and not the age. My brother is nine years older than I, and he got married for the first time a year after I did, so he was almost 31. That marriage was, for all intents & purposes, over as soon as it started, and frankly I don't give much better odds for the marriage he's getting ready to go into at 37. But it's the people involved, not the ages. The wedding Robert & I met at, the bride and groom were the ages he & I eventually got married at, and that marriage was essentially over before it ever started. Again, the people, not the age.

Rob & I have gone through some stuff that probably would have sunk most other marriages, and frankly came close to sinking ours, but the thought of having to wake up to not being his wife was scary. And now we are back to our usual, disgustingly content selves.

LadyFirelyght
11-06-2006, 01:19 PM
And now we are back to our usual, disgustingly content selves.
I loved your post, but I had to laugh out loud at this part.

FrouFrou
11-06-2006, 02:11 PM
I think it totally depends on the person. Some people are ready to marry young. some not. I married the first time at 20 and was married for 12 years. Widowed for about 8 and remarried at the ripe old age of 40. I have to say the second time around was a little bit of a struggle in the beginning. I was used to being alone and sort of set in my ways. It was a little hard to let someone in. But we are happily married and I know if anything happens this time I won't marry again. But I do feel/know had DH#1 not been killed we would still be together today.

Just to add...DH#2 married his High School sweetheart and that lasted a whole 1.5 years.

Allycatisfat
11-06-2006, 02:20 PM
I'm getting married in a few weeks to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. I never thought I'd acutally ever get married. I have problems with relating to men. I can not stand it when a man is always after my attention, that I must constantly dote myself upon him and shower him with affection. I had never been able to devote myself long to any single man in my younger days.

So, I enter into my marriage with alot of emotional fears but with hopes to. Our relationship is somewhat different than my others. I am very, very dominant. (No, not with whips and hand cuffs :D ) David has been demanding of my attentions many times in terms of physical affection. I'm one of those weird people that..doesn't care to much to be touched. I don't like it when David puts his arm around me, but I like to put my arm around him. Make sense? I just have to tell him how I feel, but then he feels like I don't want him. :( It's frustrating sometimes.

We enter our marriage, though, with what counts. I don't know if we'll be together forever or not. I can't predict the future. But, I don't want to wait any more. We are 27 and 28. I know that if I had married younger, I would be divorced now. I am a whole lot more sure of myself now than a couple of years ago...and I have grown up. I would have liked to have had a baby earlier in my life so that when I was older, I'd be able to enjoy my senior years without teenagers involved in my house. :D But still, I'm not ready for children emotionally nor financially.

lizziness
11-06-2006, 03:00 PM
I think it's a matter of maturity, where you are in your life, and where you'd like to go. I've been with my husband since I was 19. We got married when I was 21. We've been married going on 5 years.
I think that we should have waited until we were a little more financially stable. Until we had a chance to finish getting educations. While I don't regret getting married to my husband, I wish we would have waited a little bit longer to do so.

boiaby
11-06-2006, 06:58 PM
My initial reaction was, of course, the same as my usual answer to this question; noooooooooooooooooo! Since very early in my young, troubled marriage (me 18, him 21, and only one week after high my school graduation) I’ve firmly held fast to the stance that there should be a law against marrying before 30, and only then if both parties have lived independently of others beforehand. But then I read the other responses and have now seen the light. Of course it’s not about when, but who. Neither myself nor my (thankfully) soon to be ex-husband had any business trying to set up house and pretend to be the grown-ups that we so obviously were not at the time. We’ve both changed tremendously over the years and there’s no way that this relationship would have happened had I met him now, at this point in my life. Of course I’m glad that some things happened the way they did, otherwise I wouldn’t have my beautiful daughter. But if it weren’t for her I’d wish for a complete do-over, provided that I know now what I didn’t know then. But that’s life, we make our mistakes, we learn out lessons, and when we know better, we do better.

Beverly

sotypical
11-06-2006, 07:05 PM
I'm 24 and don't plan on getting married till I'm at least 26. Jeff and I have been together for over 2.5 years already (and have been living together for over a year), but we're still "kids." I'm a very strong-minded individual, and I know who I am and what I want, but I have seen entirely too many relationships end when commitment came at too young an age. Sure, it works out for some, but why rush things? You've got the rest of your lives to decide, and not being married doesn't mean you can't be together.

I totally agree.

I am 21 and I love my boyfriend dearly. We have been together just over two years and living together for almost one.

If he asked me to marry me - would I say yes? yes I would - but only if he agreed that we didn't have a wedding for at least two years (even more if I could!) It doesn't mean that I don't love him - I just dont want to rush into something that I want to last forever (in a perfect world eh).

Because we are so young we still have so much learning to do and we are both going to change a lot. We might be perfect for each other now - but what about two years from now? We both have a lot of growing up to do and I feel getting married now would be the stupidest thing for me to do. But maybe that that just means I don't have the right guy? haha

mandalinn82
11-06-2006, 07:18 PM
sotypical - that was exactly my response. I got engaged on my three-year anniversary with my SO - and the engagement is lasting another 3 years after that.

We met when we were 18 and we understand that that is YOUNG, regardless of how "ready" we were then. So we'll have a solid 6 years together under our belts before we make it permanent...and that is 6 years worth of -very- good communication and a good understanding of who we are. We have conversations about the parts of eachother we don't like, and the parts that we do, and have both accepted that these things aren't going to change and that we love eachother anyway (I will not enter into a relationship where I expect someone to change, or am expected to change...period). If you've had enough time and deep conversation and communication with someone, and you're both committed to the relationship and making it work even when things are rough, it really isn't about your age - but because it takes a good deal of emotional maturity to be able to have those conversations, the ability to do this does come somewhat with age.

We were well aware that meeting so early meant we had a higher (statistical) chance of breaking up if we married, so we took it incredibly slow. Now, at 24, I am confident in my decision to spend the rest of my life in this relationship.

sept15lija
11-06-2006, 10:27 PM
I was 19 and my DH was 22 when we got together. We got married when I was 23 and he was 26, and we've been married 5 years now. We have grown into the people we are today together, and though I am very different from the person I was at 19 (and so is he) we are closer than ever...and we seem to get closer and our relationship seems to get better every year we spend together. Definitely things are tough sometimes...but I wouldn't make any changes. We both feel incredibly lucky.

Niecers
11-07-2006, 01:11 AM
I married when I when I was 31 and my husband was 28. It is my first marriage and it is the second marriage for my husband. We married 10 months after meeting each other. I never really wanted to get married and he never wanted to get married again, but we met each other fell in love and here we are......in wedded bliss:love: . So, it really doesn't matter when you marry. When you meet the person you love, you will do what your heart tells you and hopefully, things will turn out for the best. October 31, 2006 it was 3 years and that was 3 years I thought I would never have, but I just found the right one.:D

Janice

NurseMichelle
11-07-2006, 09:40 AM
I like this conversation too! And I always get a kick out of telling my own story.

When we moved into our new house, I was five years old, and the cute boy next door came over to meet me and my brother. After that introduction, I went in the house and told my mom I had met the boy I was going to marry. He is a few years older than me so I was usually the pest next door, he never gave me second glance. But he always played games with us and helped bail my brother out when he picked fights with the neighbor kids (which was often!) and my parents just loved him.

Fast foreward...I had been a funny looking kid, big glasses, stringy hair, too skinny, nerdy....turned 16, shed the glasses, grew out my hair, got some curves (read BOOBIES) and he started to notice me! Asked me to my first formal dance, taught me how to drive a car, took me on dates....of course we broke up now and then and dated other people but kept getting back together. My graduation gift was my engagement ring. Looking back I would think I WAS too young to be engaged but we did agree I would go to college first so the wedding was FAR away.

In fact it took us almost 10 years to actually get married. And another 2-3 before we had children. We have had some HUGE ups and downs of course but I am in a safe happy marriage and wouldn't have it any other way.

rdhdgrl1
11-07-2006, 11:48 AM
NurseMichelle I loved your story. I also knew the first time I met my husband (@ 16) that I would marry him, and I did 4 years later. That was 12 years ago. In 12 years we have never been apart for more than a day. So I've pretty much seen him everyday for 12+ years. I love him more everyday and thank God for him everyday. I would not change a thing.

I think it is definetly who you are not how old you are.

Tara D
11-10-2006, 01:41 PM
Thanks for your responses everyone! This has really been very interesting to read! Lots of different experiences!