[sierra_ttw]

Hi - I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but if it's not I'm sure the moderators will move it.
I feel like I've done quite well with my weight-loss so far. I've lost all my weight due to healthy eating and exercise, and lost it steadily over a 6 month period (had a bit of a slump over the summer, but I was just being lazy, and am getting back on track now). My problem is that I've been getting tempted to go back to my ED habits. It's so much easier sometimes to use my old tricks to stop myself from eating than to actually make healthy choices. I want to be healthy, and I want to lose the weight permanently. Sometimes it just feels like it'll never happen, though, and I think about how quickly I could lose weight if I really wanted to, even in an unhealty way. I'm fully aware that I don't want to be that person again, and that it's unhealthy, and that I can do my body a huge amount of damage. I don't want to go there again. It just scares me that I'm tempted, and that I've succumbed to those habits a few times over the past few months - it's like I get caught up in how I feel that instant and have to do something about it right away. I always feel awful later, both emotionally and physically. Anyway, the point is that a part of me is still prone to those habits, and I don't want it to be. Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with it, and not let yourself relapse? Sorry about rambling... I guess I'd just like to know I'm not the only one struggling with this, and what you guys do to get past it.

[Misti in Seattle]

Hi Sierra

I am sure a lot of us do understand and have the fears that we will let it take control again. It is good though that you feel awful about it later when you blow it. That is a GOOD sign and sometimes I think maybe those times are good for us to make us remember we do NOT want to go back there.

Even as I am losing, I get fears that it will stop or that I will gain it all back again. Even though I don't intend to let that happen, there is always that thought that yah you have BEFORE!

I think the key is to not let those fears overwhelm or control us... when they come force our minds back to more positive and uplifting thoughts.

Hang in there!!! You are doing great.

[WhitWhit]

Sierra --

I wish I could help!

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I recovered from anorexia back in 2001 and have revisited my old habits over the years to drop 10 lbs or so, but never a full 40 lbs like I once did.

Sometimes I think, "I know how to lose 40 lbs...I know what to do...I want to be in control!" But I have to remind myself that I will eventually end up in **** again, torturing myself, hurting my family, the list goes on and on.

So I'm trying to eat right, exercise, and be normal. It's tough, and I'd be interested in reading anyone's advice

[mokenju]

Hi,

I've been there too and I know exactly what you mean. It's like " Why I'm doing all that great work to lose 1-2 pounds per week when I know I can lose X pounds per week If I...". In my case when these things cross my mind I try to read something inspiring here at 3FC or in some good books I've in home. This helps me to stay in track and remember why I chose the right path and how I felt when I was yo-yo dieting all the time. How easy was to lose and yes, how easy was to gain all back and feel frustrated. I hope you find somewhere the right stimule (maybe there at 3FC). There are no magic solutions, it's only about "mind control". Focus in what you really want and forget the rest. Good luck! We can do it , You can do it !

[_knot]

I understand where you're coming from, Sierra. I think CIC is the right place for this, absolutely. What else are EDs about if not control?

I'm not sure what your particular vice was, but EDs are generally EDs in terms of mindset. I recovered from anorexia in the winter of 2005, after around four years of off-and-on dangerous behaviors. And I hate to say 'recovered' past tense, because every day I struggle still, but 'recovering' doesn't do it justice either. I don't think it ever gets easy, at least, I haven't gotten there. I don't remember when I ate "normally." It was restricting and now it's bingeing.

Okay, my point. Right. It's so easy for me to slip back, and I did for quite a while this past summer. What sickens me is that I find those behaviors enjoyable. I'm sure you know the feeling I'm talking about. But all my episodes of anorexia have crashed in a period of bingeing and feeling awful physically and emotionally. Depression, SI. And those are things I NEVER want to happen again. So I know that healthy eating is sustainable and that it doesn't have that kind of backlash, if I can give up the habits. Millions of people do it, so it must be.

I guess some have a lot of control over their disorder, and they can use it as they please, and stop using it without consequences. If you're one of them, I can imagine it only makes giving it up harder.

All I can say is, we're all here for you. Talk to us. We'll try to understand, especially those of us who are also going through it. We'll try to help, if you ever feel the desire to share more about yourself and your experiences.

Meg