Hi All !!
Iīm sorry for this, but Iīm feeling a horrible pressure on my chest, and that was before a sign that a big binge would take place, and I just donīt want to go there again... I need to get it out !
About three weeks ago, I met this guy, heīs a friend of a friend and came from Mexico to visit, we spent a week together, hooked up, and although I knew he should be a BIG NO NO, I fell for him, sometimes he seemed interest, other times not, we went to Paris for the weekend (I live in Madrid) that whole Iīm interest, Iīm not brought back a lot of rejection ghosts and was making me miserable, so after a glass or two of wine (after I started to diet, it doesnīt take much for the alcohol to get to my head) I confronted him, and he told me that he was afraid, afraid for him and afraid of hurting me ... after talking and talking, at the end I said, ok letīs stay just friends then, and enjoy the rest of the trip... that lasted until the following night when we went out dancing and hooked up again, he left the following day back to Mexico...
Then the week after he left, I went to London for work and one of my best friends was there, she did a few things before that hurt me, but as she was going through a rough patch at the time I thought it was best just to let go, but in London, right before I left we end up having this very candid conversation and putting everything on the table, I cried, she cried, she said some cruel things, and at the end I was tired, sad and lost... the week before the whole rejection thing with the mexican guy, and then this ...
I got back to Madrid thursday, tried to put everything to the past and move on, then I got sick on friday, and stayed home feeling miserable, after that decided I was done with my pity, and shook things off on sunday, went rollerblading with friends, had a really nice time, my boss came for a visit monday and said wonderful things about my work, yesterday went salsa dancing with friends, had a great time, wrote my mexican friend, and was really happy this morning, was again believing...
A parentisis... after my mexican friend left, he sent me an email asking to tell something to a friend the next day, than three days later sent me another one just general telling me things about his life and asking about mine, I answered about a week ago and got no answer, then a lot happened the past week, and I wanted to tell him, sent him another email yesterday...
And I was so happy again, that although the fact that again he didnīt answer and this was just set to be another rejection story for my little collection, it bothered me, but it didnīt ruined the good happy feeling I had inside... but then the big boss (my bosseīs boss) indirectly critized my work, after that I was a little upset but still feeling good, then my direct boss, the same that told me wonderful things on monday, sent an email that pretty much takes everything back... and now I have again this feeling that I donīt deserve to be happy, this crazy idea that no matter how much I fight thereīs always something or someone to ruin it ... that Iīll never find reciprocal love (Iīm 27 and never had a reciprocal love story), that Iīm not entitled to hapiness, no matter how hard I try...
I feel like screaming !!!
Well, sorry guys I just needed to get that out, I feel a little better already !
Thanks, really, you have no idea how much this forum has helped me the past few months !!
Saludos !
Ana
AAAHHHHHHH !!! Getting it out !:)
