Alternachicks - Is anyone else bored with their current relationship?




LLV
09-17-2006, 01:32 AM
Married or with a longtime s/o or whatever, is anyone else sick of the relationship they're in?

I'm not technically married, but I've been with the same man for 16 years. We live together and have a 7-year-old son. But I am SO BORED with it that it's not funny. Actually, I've BEEN bored with this relationship for years now. But, because of my son, I stay put. I love him, yes. But I haven't been *IN* love with him for some time now.

I don't want lectures, I don't need psychoanalogies or asking me WHY I'm bored with my relationship (I already know the answer to that question) I just wanna talk with other women (or men) that are in the same boat as I am. Women in the same boat that don't really know how to get out. And the reason I'm posting this in alternachicks is because there might be male/male or female/female relationships in the same position I'm in. That and I've been with both men and women and we've discussed gay and lesbian relationships in this forum as well. So all relationships are included here.

I was bored with this relationship long before I lost weight. In case anyone wants to say, "Well now that you've lost weight, maybe you're looking for something else."

I've been wanting something else for a long time now. So I'm just wondering, is there anyone else in the same boat? And how do you keep your sanity?


kykaree
09-17-2006, 04:35 AM
I always feel a bit stuck in relationships. I kinda feel my heart is too big to be satisfied with one person........... I love my S/o but I'd be lying if I said I don't get bored, or feel unsatisfied.

So no solutions or telling offs from me. I can relate to where your coming from. It's different for me because we don't have children (just the cat) but I don't feel I can leave just because I feel itchy feet and unsettled. It's all me, not him, he hasn't done anything to cause me to feel this way.

Some years ago I went down the path of having an open relationship (I was with someone else at the time) and that worked for a short while, until the other person fell in love with me, which wasn't part of my equation. I learnt a bitter lesson from that, and every person involved got hurt.

So for me open relationships aren't the way to go either!

I wonder whether other people learn to live with the feeling of not being complete, or whether some people are just not designed to be completely satisfied in a relationship. I know my mother has always felt as if she is missing out on something, and if there is something better out there than my dad (and I don't think she's been 100% faithful in the past) so I wonder if I have inherited that feeling.

I keep my sanity by keeping busy, and my focussing on areas other than my relationship, and by trying to invest quality time with my s/o doing things we both enjoy.

It's not easy, and I can make no claims to being completely sane :D

Yogini
09-17-2006, 08:07 AM
Anytime I've been 'sick' of something I've kept my sanity by *stopping* what it was I was 'sick' of.

:hug:


LLV
09-17-2006, 10:34 AM
I wonder whether other people learn to live with the feeling of not being complete, or whether some people are just not designed to be completely satisfied in a relationship.
You know, this is a very good question. I've wondered that too. I mean, is anybody REALLY happy? I'm sure there are happy people out there, but I personally don't know one person that's completely satisfied with their relationship.

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it :)

LLV
09-17-2006, 10:36 AM
Anytime I've been 'sick' of something I've kept my sanity by *stopping* what it was I was 'sick' of.

:hug:
Thanks, hon, but when you've got a little one in the picture, it's not quite that simple. You know, like I've seen these movies where these women are in crappy and even abusive relationships and the first thing out of my mouth, which I now know is much easier said than done, is, "If you're miserable, get out! You're an idiot for staying with that guy!"

But now that I'm in a relationship where there's a child involved, it's not quite that easy.

lilybelle
09-17-2006, 11:18 AM
I think there are times you can be in a relationship and not be 100% satisfied and stick it out anyway due to the kids and financial responsibilities and such. I have definitely found myself in this situation.
My DH and I are doing OK right now. Not perfect, just OK. I have a complete lack of trust for him where money is concerned. We have been married for almost 9 yrs. and a couple of them were very bad financially. Before, I always worked and provided about 75% of the household income (due to a large portion of his money going to his ex for child support and alimony). I knew this from the get go. What I didn't know was that he had a gambling problem and would stop at nothing to get money without my knowledge to gamble with. He'd end up getting caught, when he couldn't pay back his debtors and they'd call the house. For a long time, I was too sick to realize what was going on and kept working because we needed the money. I took his name off the bank account about 3 yrs. ago and cut up every credit card. I stay home now and he works. He brings his paycheck home, I put it in the bank and give him his spending money for the week. It doesn't feel good to have to live this way and treat him like a child. I know that I can never forget the financial wreck that he caused for us when he was gambling. I simply can't and won't give him any financial freedom again.
The reason I stayed through all this was that I was very sick. I simply had to have medical insurance. I do love him but that's it. He did go to in-patient psych. treatment for a while. He is a state trooper and had been "messed up" since pulling babies out of the building at the Oklahoma City bombing. My kids love him very much and he is great with them. They begged me not to leave him when this all finally came to a head. It's been 3 yrs. now since I learned of his gambling addiction and I haven't seen any more evidence of it. So, this much is good.
He has stuck with me through multiple surgeries and my chronic illness with liver disease. He never made fun of my weight, no matter how big I got. I sometimes think one reason for my weight problem with him is that I thought he didn't deserve for me to look any better. I know this may sound screwy. But deep down I felt he was not perfect so I shouldn't even try to better myself either.
Sorry this is so long, but I think many of us live in less than "happy" situations. Sometimes especially my family will ask why I didn't leave. My answer is "what would you do if you were very sick, with kids still to raise and knew that no doctor, specialist or hospital would take care of you without insurance?". Leaving isn't always the best option.

canadian mom
09-17-2006, 11:25 AM
I completely agree with u lilybelle. My husband takes care of my 2 kids plus our 2 together . I always say my situation could be worse.He doesn't hit us or anything like that , He works hard to provide for this family the least I coukld do is stick it out through 'good and bad times' that is what the vows say . I completely understand where u r coming from LLV

drake3272004
09-17-2006, 11:36 AM
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship and it def takes alot of work to make any relationship work. I love my DH dearly, but he is horrible with money! He is getting better, but it's been a long struggle and at one point in time I did really consider leaving. He's terrible about keeping track of his spending and he can't have a checking account, he gets himself into major trouble with those. That is my only major complaint and it is a rather serious one, but we are working on it together.
I can't say that I've ever been bored with him, but I have a friend that was sick of her boyfriend of 5 years. She debated for 2 YEARS, before finally breaking it off. They were more like roommates then anything. No kids involved though. I don't think there was really any romance to begin with, I think they were just conveniant for each other.

lilybelle
09-17-2006, 11:40 AM
Funny thing is, I've given up on previous marriages before for less than what I've put up with this time. I have taken my vows a lot more serious. I think that things could definitely be worse. We stay home most of the time and when we go places, it's usually stuff that isn't very expensive. Such as fishing . I do love him. I do get bored with life in general , but not so much with him. Not being able to work has been a big adjustment for me after 20 yrs. of working as an RN.

Yogini
09-17-2006, 12:19 PM
Thanks, hon, but when you've got a little one in the picture, it's not quite that simple. You know, like I've seen these movies where these women are in crappy and even abusive relationships and the first thing out of my mouth, which I now know is much easier said than done, is, "If you're miserable, get out! You're an idiot for staying with that guy!"

But now that I'm in a relationship where there's a child involved, it's not quite that easy.

I have a child too and have lived as I stated. I would never stay where I wasn't happy-I would try *everything* to make it better before leaving (counseling etc.) but if I wasn't happy, I would have to listen to my heart, I would have to honor my feelings and that would mean that once I had tried to make things work and if nothing imporoved, I would leave.

I'm not trying to tell *you* what to do (only you know the answers to what is best for you) but I am simply saying what has worked for me and what I have observed in others when I say that in my experience, a miserable person makes a miserable parent. If one is not truly happy and is staying in an unfulfilling relationship 'for the kids', ultimately, the kids *do* suffer.

Have you tried counseling? Does he know how you feel? Best of luck :^:

Ferret
09-17-2006, 02:07 PM
yeah i'm bored with it...because i'm single! LOL

kaplods
09-17-2006, 05:38 PM
I've only been married four years, but I do understand your feelings, though I went into marriage expecting it. Even marrying for the first time at 36, I wasn't desperate to get married, because I had never had a relationship I hadn't left out of boredom before the three year mark. I hated living with roommates, or family for that matter, as after a while people just get on my nerves, and I like living alone. I even joked with my husband before we married about getting a his/hers duplex.

I went into marriage looking at it like the Peace Corps (the toughest job you'll ever love), and knowing I wouldn't love every minute of it. I told my husband from the beginning, I don't expect to love you every minute of our marriage, in fact I would bet there will be times we can't stand the sight of each other.
And even at only four years that has been true. We've had very little of the "better" and "health" parts in our marriage, and far more than our share of "worse" and "sickness" parts. At only 36 and 40, my husband and I are both on disability and their isn't much physical romance left (the spirit isn't even willing for either of us much anymore with our chronic pain issues). This isn't what either of us expected out of our marriage, but it's what we have.
Humor helps, and remembering that love isn't just a feeling it's an action. So I can love my husband even when I don't feel it, and I know the same of him. In some ways "loving" my husband when I'm not "in love" with him, is the best part of our marriage, knowing that we're there for each other even when the hormones are working against us, is a comfort.

Still, there are those days when I wonder, what else is out there, but then I remember being single and I remember what was out there. The real test is never "might there be something better out there," but "would I be better off alone than with him/her?"

There was a point several months ago that I was so frustrated and restless and bored with my life and marriage, that I was sinking into deep depression, but I finally realized I was blaming my husband and marriage for all of the boredoms in my life. I was frustrated with my body and my illnesses and the lack of excitement in my life, but I wasn't really pursuing excitement either, just griping that it wasn't falling in my lap.

I can only suggest finding things in your life that do excite you. For me, I started with trying a new hobby or two (painting with pastels, knitting). The funny thing is, my husband got inspired by my new hobby to try several of his own (colored pencils, paint by numbers, and even cross stitch). It felt almost like we were dating again because we finally had something new to talk about with each other. It also helped us see each other in a new light. I never would have expected my big, burly husband to fall in love with cross-stitch.

Don't know if I've helped you in any way, but you're not alone.

LLV
09-17-2006, 08:36 PM
Thanks, everyone, for your responses. I read them all and they're much appreciated.

As for counseling, no, I haven't tried that. I don't really think it's 'all that', it's just... well, you know how it is, you get tired of eating the same steak every day, for lack of a better way to put it. And I don't mean just the sexual part, I just get bored easily. This is the longest relationship I've ever been in. None of my others lasted long because I'd - voila! get bored - and move on to something else.

I think where we made our mistake was getting back together after we broke up about 8 years ago. He moved out. I lived at the apartment by myself. And boy did I love that! LOL - anyway... he had moved back in with his mother. Which he hated. But at the time he couldn't afford to get his own place. We didn't part on really bad terms, we stayed friends and he would even sit and tell me about this girl or that girl he was going out with. And I was okay with that, it didn't bother me in the slighest, because I was already done with the relationship, I was ready to move on to something else and was glad he had found someone to go out with.

Then we made our mistake - he got tired of living with his mother and I got tired of struggling to make ends meet, so he said maybe he could move back in, as a friend only, and help me pay the bills. My stupid butt agreed. So he moved in again. The bedroom was mine, he slept on the couch. We lived as friends only. He went to school and out with his girl and I went *my* own way, working and living my life as it were. Then one night we had a few too many drinks, ended up in bed for "old times sake" (mistake #2) and I got pregnant. Him being the responsible man he's always been said he would stay with me to take care of his son. So we just sorta stayed together because of Shane. But it's never been the same.

And that's pretty much, in a nutshell, my story with this.

kaplods
09-18-2006, 12:28 AM
I'm sure you both can't help but feel, at least sometimes, that your life together is a mistake, but you can't think like that, your life is your life, you know? "Could have beens" can drive you crazy. I'm not saying you should stay for the child, or that you should leave. It's a complicated issue, and anyone who doesn't think so, probably hasn't ever been in it.

Journaling is my answer to everything. If I were you (or rather if you were me) I would put all my feelings on paper, and even list the pros and cons of staying and leaving. Even if you wouldn't ever consider leaving, seeing it on paper, may help you feel good about the choices you have made.

I could be way off base, but I noticed, that even when you were apart you seemed to stay really close friends. If that is true, I think you might have a chance in the marriage, because I think it is better that a marriage be based on "friendship" than "chemistry" because chemistry always waivers eventually. And it's easier to rekindle chemistry than friendship once lost.

I know it's popular to think that a marriage needs passion, but I think that's am almost uniquely american perspective. My sister's best friend is Indian and her parents marriage was arranged. They see marriage more like a business arrangement to raise a family, and if you fall passionately "in love", bonus (they did, which in many ways really irks the dad's mother, who although she arranged her son's marriage never expected her son to take his wife's side over hers).

No one's life is perfect, and whichever choices you make won't be either, they will just be your life for good or bad. Whichever choices you make, my prayers and good wishes are with you.

LLV
09-18-2006, 08:49 AM
Very true. And don't get me wrong, we care for each other a great deal. It's not that our relationship is a sucky one. We get along good for the most part. I was just wondering if I was the only one completely and totally bored!

And the best thing to come out of our "oopsie" night together in bed is, of course, my son. He's my angel and I love him more than life itself. Right now he's all that matters to me :)

kaplods
09-18-2006, 01:18 PM
There may not be alot of replies to tell you so, but you are FAR from the only one totally bored in their relationship (even of those that started with a searing hot passion). Look how many marriage/relationship books there are out there about trying to put excitement back into a marriage - it's something almost every marriage faces.

My best friend (gay in a long term committed relationship) and I always joke that people against homosexual sex should vote for same-sex marriage," because when you start living with someone, and have large bills together, and start doing all of the every-day building a life things together, you fall into a routine that drains all of the excitement, creativity, and desire right out of you.

LLV
09-18-2006, 04:26 PM
My best friend (gay in a long term committed relationship) and I always joke that people against homosexual sex should vote for same-sex marriage," because when you start living with someone, and have large bills together, and start doing all of the every-day building a life things together, you fall into a routine that drains all of the excitement, creativity, and desire right out of you.
lol, that's for sure. A best friend of mine, also gay, said something similar to that. He just recently got out of a bad relationship himself, but he's seeing another guy that seems to be really sweet and they seem to care about each other. That's all that matters in the end.

I know I'm not the only one, and you're right, I should have known better than to ask such a stupid question :lol:

lilybelle
09-18-2006, 05:08 PM
LLV, it wasn't a stupid question at all. Sometimes it helps just to know that others lives aren't so perfect either. BTW, my sons' name is Shane too.

LLV
09-18-2006, 06:53 PM
LLV, it wasn't a stupid question at all. Sometimes it helps just to know that others lives aren't so perfect either. BTW, my sons' name is Shane too.
Really? I love that name. I think it's so pretty.

I have other names I love and wanted to name him that before he was born, but Matthew was like, "No way, those names suck."

I LOVE the name Christopher. Since I was a girl I wanted to grow up and have a boy and name him Christopher. But Matthew (my partner) wouldn't have it. He wouldn't let me. And that was my only chance because I only want one child, I'm not doing it again. I later told Matthew that Christopher is the name I've always wanted to give my boy. And he felt kinda bad for going against it, but he said, "He would have been called Chris."

And I was like, "Yeah? So?"

He goes, "Chris is also a girl's name, it sounds too feminine."

*ROLLING MY EYES*

I also like the names Josh and Julian. And also Casey. He said NO WAY to those too.

Don't get me wrong, I love the name Shane. But my first choices were blown outta the water by a jerk who thinks they sounded too feminine, lol.

Irishowl
09-18-2006, 08:15 PM
There may not be alot of replies to tell you so, but you are FAR from the only one totally bored in their relationship (even of those that started with a searing hot passion). Look how many marriage/relationship books there are out there about trying to put excitement back into a marriage - it's something almost every marriage faces.

My best friend (gay in a long term committed relationship) and I always joke that people against homosexual sex should vote for same-sex marriage," because when you start living with someone, and have large bills together, and start doing all of the every-day building a life things together, you fall into a routine that drains all of the excitement, creativity, and desire right out of you.


I'm not bored in my relationship at all, but I can relate to this. I think boredom can come out of just the day in day out routine of living. I think most people (myself and my partner included) don't make time for themselves and each other. We try to have a "date" night every week or two just to have time away from work, school, phones, computers, family, friends, and everything else. We go to dinner, eat slow, talk, laugh, look in each other's eyes.........and the butterflies in my stomach return. Just that tiny bit of "us" time is all it takes to remind me of why I fell in love with Shell in the first place and why it's so important for us to always carve out time together.

Shannon