100 lb. Club - Dangerous mindset




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buckettgirl
09-09-2006, 10:28 AM
I think I'm really needing *something* to help keep me on track right now - I'm slipping into a dangerous mindset and almost really screwed this up. :kickbutt:

Since school has started, my routine has been knocked out of whack - I'm stressed (but not as bad as in the past), I haven't been able to see my counselor in 2 weeks, I haven't been able to see much of my husband because of conflicting schedules, I haven't been drinking enough fluids, I haven't been getting my normal amount of activity (because of having to sit in class all day), I can't come here very often now, etc etc.

I don't know if it is a time management problem or really just a stress problem, but I need to get a new routine figured out (or at least the best one that I can).
But anyway, because of all the chaos the past 3 weeks, it has been getting harder and harder to resist temptations and my mindset has been moving toward one of complacency...
I know that it is harder to resist temptations because of my messed up relationship with food... I want to eat because I am stressed, because that has always been my way of coping; and I have not yet found an adequate substitute to help me cope (this is something I'm working on with my counselor). However, I feel added stress because some of those around me know that I am doing Optifast and I feel the pressure to be perfect with this program... especially around my classmates. So, I guess what I'm saying is that in addition to wanting to binge because of stress, I want to eat because I feel that the pressure is so high for me not to eat. Does that even make sense???? I feel crazy. :crazy:
And the direction that my mindset has been moving toward scares me. I am becoming comfortable with my size - too comfortable. I have figured out several reasons for this: I am happier, I feel better, I can move, I'm not so tired, I have lost 2 sizes (from a tight 28 to a comfortable 24), I can easily find clothes, I can wear many clothes from my closet, and I get compliments all the time on how much I lost. I'm too comfortable with my size. I feel too safe. And I know I can't get into this mindset because it will most certainly ruin me. I've been smaller.... I KNOW that 250 feels much better than 290; I know that everything that I feel now will amplify as more weight comes off. Although I recognize what is going on with me, I feel as though I am fighting it and don't know how to change it... I really don't feel as though I'm trying to make excuses (because that is truly something that I hate), but I genuinely am afraid of this and don't know WHY I can't just think something different. I just don't know.... perhaps just writing this post will help me; we'll see.
I told my dad about this; and he reminded me that to people who don't know me - who have never seen me at my highest weight - I am a really fat gal... Which is true; I am still a really fat gal, just not as fat as I was. That bothers me - that I could come so close to being *comfortable* with my size and yet still be so big and that so many people would still treat me in a cruel manner because I'm still so big....... that being ok with this size means that I'd be ok with people thinking "wow, thats sure is a fat chick."
hhhmmm.... :eek:

I guess.... I'll do my best.... I don't want to get stuck here; I want to make the most of this opportunity. Just so I get through today without problems. Thats really all I can focus on - just today.


Charles78
09-09-2006, 10:53 AM
If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.

~ Buddhist Saying

You know, I got hung up on doing "it" perfect many times. I think we need to stride for continual progress - even if just a little - and never aim for perfection. A lot of us get hung up on "hitting" a goal by some date. I think forget that. I want to eat my next meal where I make great choices. I want to hit the gym and work out with all of the intensity and passion I can bring - just for that one time. I want to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I want to focus on the lifestyle that I want, the habits I want to build, the actions I take each day - and you know what? Almost without realizing it, I will have changed who I am and will be at my goal :)

You can do this - we all have ups and downs. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can never be defeated if you just won't quit.

I wish you the very best!

shrinkingchica
09-09-2006, 01:02 PM
Oh, just keep strong and stick with it Amanda. :hug: Remember, you are doing this for You and not for anyone else.
Sometimes I start to feel complacent to and I have to keep on saying to myself that the weight I am at now is not my final goal, I can do better than this.
Just keep at it and remind yourself that this is for you and that you can do it because you are worth it--- and it is true. :)


Heather
09-09-2006, 01:46 PM
Past the honeymoon phase and added in life. I think it's normal that things would get tougher given the situation. That might be small comfort, but I think it's true.

Keep your eyes on the prize. You've worked really hard and think about how putting it back on would make you feel!

How much longer are you in this phase where you do the liquid diet? Can you hang on until then? Is there any small thing you can do to help yourself? Not even a food treat, but something else??

And remember, this too, shalll pass. There are ups and downs... this is a down.

beautifulone
09-09-2006, 09:02 PM
Hang in there :hug:
I know it's so hard sometimes, I just had an off time. But is there anything you can distract yourself with? Something that in no way has anything to do with food, so not like watching a movie or reading a book, but maybe going somewhere, for a walk, to a museum, shopping especially clothes shopping even? I don't usually like to shop because I feel so restricted by the clothes that are for sale and my size, but I do find that trying clothes on reminds me of where I stand today, where I have been, and where I am going :) I know it can be a positive experience for me as long as I go when I am feeling fairly good about myself to a store where I like the clothes and where I am not at the very end of a size. So I can see clothes that are both too big and too small for me. And sometimes, it feels soooo good to put on a shirt or pair of jeans that's a size bigger, and remind yourself of all the hard work you've done and how worth it is!

of course there is more to this than clothes... :lol: but I guess for myself I've had issues with clothes so being able to dress nicely and comfortably is a big deal. Plus, you don't have to spend the money.. just play around and try them on :)

Good luck, I especially like what Charles has said. Let us know how you're doing! :hug:

BreakingFree
09-11-2006, 01:59 PM
Amanda -

:hug: Sorry you are having a hard time now. I know you haven't yet identified an alternate coping mechanism for dealing with stress yet, but are there any you're considering that you could try out? I know lack of time makes this tough but would you consider journaling, venting to a friend or family member, a few moments of meditation and any exercise you can fit in, even if it's not your normal amount? Are you getting enough sleep? If you can't see hubby much due to differing schedule, could you talk on the phone during the day? Could you email each other?

These are all just thoughts about what might possibly work for you. Sometimes we have to get creative when time is tight and we're stressed. And I know, when we're stressed we're generally not at our most creative and we fall back on old coping mechanisms. Believe me, I know! I still do it at times. Just take the pressure to be perfect off and be good to yourself. You can do it - you are worth it.

ChocLabLover
09-11-2006, 04:38 PM
Amanda :hug:! I am so sorry you are going through a tough time right now. I hear you about what you are syaing about being comfortable with your weight. I was there a few months ago. You lose sight of your overall goal because of being complacent. A couple of things worked for me.

1) Buy an outfit in a smaller size. You know that you will have to work to get into it
2) Take a picture of yourself at your current weight. I have a real distorted body image, but when I see a picture of myself it is brought home to me.

Know that you are not alone, and that you have to keep at.

teacher29
09-12-2006, 04:02 PM
Reading your post made me realize I need a good kick in the a**, because I find myself making excuses too. I haven't lost any weight yet, in fact I havent weighed myself at all.

I do have a date to walk today at 6pm and this will be a regular thing for me.

Don't give up, I know the temptation is great sometimes but we must keep on.

Sandi
09-12-2006, 04:12 PM
I have read your post several times, and each time I go away, because I don't have any good advice. I suck at this, and I am last one who should give advice.

But...I need you to know how proud I am of you. I know you were conflicted about starting this program to begin with, but ever since you have started, your posts have been glowing. You are so much happier, you feel better. Keep that in mind and you travel this dangerous road. Right now is when you write your history.

It can be that time I did Optifast on got all my weight off. Boy, do you remember when it got hard - whew that was tough.
OR
It can be that time I did Optifast and I was doing so good and I had that slipup and never could quite get back on.

We are here for every step of the way! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

Please give us an update!!!

buckettgirl
09-12-2006, 06:16 PM
I really don't know what I would do without you guys! :hug:

One of the things that I know I must do is MAKE time to come here.... As I had posted, I haven't had alot of extra time, but I think that being here daily (or all day LOL :p) has definitely been one of my motivators to keep going. I just don't think I really realized it until I haven't had a chance to be here.

I do know that the biggest change for me since classes have started is that I do not have a regular routine. Every day is different no matter what (actually, the only constant is that I make it to the gym before class on Mondays and Wednesdays). It doesn't surprise me that this has caused a major internal struggle for me; I am definitely a person who needs routines of everyday stuff.

I think that some of the things that has been bothering me with my classmates is: 1) I am still the biggest person in my class (there are only 18 of us) 2) A few of the others constantly talk about losing weight - they don't "need" to, and they never spoke a word of it until after seeing my loss 3) NONE of my classmates understand what this is like, what I am doing, or make an effort to understand. I feel like I'm in a dream where I'm naked on center stage!!! LOL When class started, I felt obligated to tell what I had done to lose so much - I don't want anyone thinking that I'm anorexic or doing something dangerous, so I guess I needed to justify myself. I *know* that I don't need to justify my actions to anyone; but I think I just didn't want any more harsh judgments - now, here I am feeling like I must be perfect or my classmates will see me as a failure. I feel kinda dumb for saying that because I've never given a darn what my classmates think, especially since I've returned to college, so I don't know why this matters so much to me now.
I haven't done anything yet that I regret... I haven't completely messed this up and I don't intend to. What I have done is set myself down a slippery slope that I am afraid that I cannot pull myself out of..... I haven't gone off of Optifast (and we are still doing the fasting phase on a month to month basis), but I have taken bites of this or bites of that... hey let me have a bite of that steak! LOL And I can't say that I've had anything really terrible - I just don't want junk, but I do want meat or veggies. So, ya, like on Saturday, Chris had steak for supper and I had 1 bite of steak. And this is becoming a daily thing - to the point I'm finding it hard to resist, I think because I am feeling a very strong urge to binge. I haven't had a binge yet and I really don't intend to and will do everything I can not to.
For instance, we had a family dinner at Grandma's on Sunday, and she sent a whole bunch of leftovers home for Chris (fried chicken, baked beans, potato salad, brownies, and homemade coffeecake) and Chris ate almost all of it. When I came home today, there were 5 pieces of coffeecake left. I had none and wanted none....but later I felt such an urge eat all that was left that I threw it out. It was either throw it out or eat it....I'm glad I didn't eat it. Chris was expecting to eat the rest when he came home from work and isn't happy with me for throwing it out, but he doesn't understand because he doesn't have issues like this. I knew I shouldn't have let Grandma send that much food home with us.... it was a ticking bomb for me.

At any rate.... I need a routine.... I need to focus on each day and not think about my weight loss or Optifast for the long term or I will end up frustrated. ... I need to visit 3fc daily... I need to focus on my needs in relation to Optifast and not worry about what others think.... I need keep trigger foods out of the house....

Charles is right... keep on walking, one foot in front of the other; keeping steady focus on the task at hand.
Sandi - Your post really hit a nerve and I think I'm going to print it off and post it where I will see it daily.
Thank you everyone!!!! :hug:

Heather
09-12-2006, 07:22 PM
Amanda -- You said you were doing optifast month-to-month... it sounds like it's getting a lot harder to keep at it, as one would expect. Does there come a point where you put yourself back on real food? How do you make the determination that the time is right. If this is a short term, jump start, haven't you done that now? Does there come a point of diminishing returns?

buckettgirl
09-12-2006, 07:43 PM
Amanda -- You said you were doing optifast month-to-month... it sounds like it's getting a lot harder to keep at it, as one would expect. Does there come a point where you put yourself back on real food? How do you make the determination that the time is right. If this is a short term, jump start, haven't you done that now? Does there come a point of diminishing returns?

We have finished the inital 3 month fast. Our health care provider will allow us to stay on the fasting phase as long as we aren't experiencing any physical problems and our lab values are normal or stable. I have had some high liver enzymes and there is a question of it being due to the fast or to my birth control pills (seems most likely to be the pills, and we should know more next week). Depending on the cause of the high liver enzymes and what my liver panel looks like, I can't say what my future is with Optifast at this point. But assuming that it isn't caused or exacerbated by the fast, then I would continue on till it is determined to begin adding food in. Personally, I would like to lose (at least) another 40lbs before integrating food again. Also, I think this would be a horrid time for me to try to add food in, given my current inclinations :dizzy: But, when that phase begins, I will replace one of my protein shakes with 1 serving of lean protein; and after a few weeks add in a serving of veggies; and so on, until completely off the Optifast products.
My dad is still going strong (only 37lbs left until goal), and when I try to explain to him my internal struggle, he truly doesn't understand. All he tells me is that he doesn't have these problems because he is committed to the plan. Like I'm not???!!! I don't know.
As far as the weight loss slowing down, I keep having big losses - averaging 5.5lbs per week...I am expecting a slow down at any time, but because I'm still so large I don't know what is reasonable given my intake and output.
At this point, this is the best information that I have....

Heather
09-12-2006, 09:30 PM
Amanda -- Wow, I can't even imagine the issues you are facing (and the more I learn the more I know I am NOT a candidate for this program).

I hope they figure out the reason behind the high liver enzymes, and I hope you can dig down and get yourself back to the place you want to be. :hug:

Sandi
09-20-2006, 02:53 PM
Just wondering how it's going?

Laura Philly
09-21-2006, 10:23 PM
Amanda,
I love your honesty! I can really relate to so much of what you are saying. I look at my relationship with food as a very complicated one, certainly not like many are able to have. My husband has a really normal relationship with food. He eats when he's hungry, stops when he's full... how odd - lol!!! I have recently experienced the "I'm the largest one in this room" parade in my mind. It's not too pleasant, but I tend to go there when I'm at the gym watching all the women half my size walk around. I also know what it's like when coffee cake talks to you. It's amazing, it's my crack. But I guess the complicated thing is -is that I can't write it off, like a destructive drug. We need food to eat. I guess something that I've been really trying to tell myself lately when I'm feeling overwhelmed or discouraged, is that if I just keep it up results will follow and if I throw the towel in... they definately will not. I'm trying to tell myself I deserve to be healthy and in a healthy body. You do too, you're beautiful and doing great!

buckettgirl
09-23-2006, 04:38 PM
Just wondering how it's going?

Things are getting better. Just being aware of my emotions and though processes and how it all relates to food keeps me from doing anything destructive.
I finally was able to get an appointment with my counselor, and hopefully I can get back on schedule with that. I finally figured out that I have replaced my binges with my counseling sessions. So, I guess I have inadvertantly found a better way of coping! LOL :)
Metaphorically, instead of stuffing down my emotions with food, I want to purge it all through venting/talking. Definitely not self-destructive; however, I don't really have intentions of seeing a counselor for the rest of my life! Thats kind of expensive! :o But I also know that talking to friends isn't always an option because they don't always want to hear what is going on. I know I can always come here, but I find that I get more out of talking about things than about writing them (although this does help me to get my thoughts in order). I think actually talking through issues is not only a form of purging my emotions, but also just releases the energy with it which is why it is effective for me. I really don't know if this makes sense to anyone else... LOL
At any rate, I'm still chuggin along... down 7 more lbs. My weight loss slowed, I think partly due to my stress levels (also, my fluid intake was way down - no time to take a drink; and my activity is down because I am not at work nearly as often). But it is slowly getting better. Thankfully!

4me2006
09-23-2006, 06:18 PM
Hey Amanda,i know you are going through alot right now,but hang in there ,you have worked too hard to get where you are..Remember,take it a day at a time and do this for you,you deserve it.I have drilled in my own mind that this time i WILL win this battle and i am ready for whatever gets thrown in my way.YOU CAN DO THIS!!