100 lb. Club - When Pics make you Cry




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House_of_Mirth
08-15-2006, 11:10 PM
I had the opportunity to speak at a fundraiser for an volunteer organization I am a part of and Tom Brokaw was also a speaker. We had professional phorgraphers and videographers and I was so excited about the pictures, Until I saw them and I thought I looked just so awful. I cried. I almost never cry.

All my friends were excited for me and they said I looked great and all my collegues said I spoke really well and that Mr. Brokaw laughed at the joke included about him. That evening I was so proud. I spoke in front of a room of strangers many of whome were wealthy, well connected people(not that this makes them better, it just adds to the intimdation factor) something that many people alot older than I can't do (Im 20). Im intellgent, articulate (when I try), kind,funny, generous and and and an all around good person and when I look at these pics of what should be one of the proudest days of my life, All i can think about is how terrible I look and how worthless the pics make me feel.

The really awful part is that I probably dont look horrible at all. My friends wouldn't lie to me. They all said really nice things and I believe they meant them, But my brain just doesnt process it. When I look at the pics all I see is a fat girl with a pug nose and a bad haircut that doesn't even deserve to have people listen to her. Intellectually, as a concept, I know that this isn't true but every other part of me believes this to be the case and I have a physical response of shame. This not only upsets me cause its painful (and it is) but because I fear it will hold me back from doing everything I am capable of. This makes me seriously afraid for my future. I am an ambitious person. I was raised to have high expectations for myself but how can I reasonably have these high expectations if I can not conquer the FEELINGS i have about my body, let alone my body itself?

Has anyone else expereinced this deep disconnect between what they see and what other people see? Is it something that changes when your body does? Id really like to know.


cantforgetthis
08-16-2006, 01:42 AM
First of all, congratulations on your big day! :carrot: You deserve to feel good about it.

Second, you are not alone. :hug: This is something I and many others have struggled with our entire lives. I lost about 120 pounds a number of years ago and everyone said I looked great. I, on the other hand, couldn't "see" it. Oh, intellectually my brain knew that the clothes were smaller, but the true "knowing" wasn't there. I was miserable. I felt like I had been broadsided by a bus. Here I had done all this work, for what?? Where were the great feelings? :?: I also didn't have the supportive people around me at the time.

I have since learned that it is psychological, I know what to expect. Loosing weight doesn't take care of everything. Not everyone magically becomes a new person. It takes more emotional work. This site has been an eye opener, reading all the stories of those that have been there. Counseling is also a benefit. These things didn't come to me until my mid 30's, but better late than never I guess. :D

It can get better, but it may not happen just by loosing the weight. Believe in yourself, ask for the help you need. :hug:

harkeyvalley
08-16-2006, 02:07 AM
House of Mirth: It takes a great deal of courage to speak in front of a large group, especially with celebrities in attendance. You are much braver than I would be and I'm 57. You will never see yourself but anything but fat if you don't lose the emotional baggage. Queen Latifah has always been on the heavy side and the camera always made her look heavier. She decided to see herself how others saw her. A warm and beautiful person regardless of her weight. Until she could rid herself of the negative picture she saw in her head, she couldn't let the beautiful person inside come out. You are what you think. Believe your friends. It's always said that beauty comes from within. Put your brain on a diet and rid yourself of those excess fat thoughts and let your inner beauty shine.


DollyR
08-16-2006, 09:55 AM
I sat and cried last year when someone sent me a vidoe of a Christmas party with me singing Karoke. I thought I looked like shamu at seaworld. I felt awful about the picture and realized I was seeing what others saw. It about crushed me. I can still remember thinking the night I went to the party that I looked nice and had a "slimming" outfit on. I think the only thing slim in the movie was the microphone. The person who sent it happened to be there when I opened the email and felt terrible because they thought I was cute. I saw no cuteness at all.

Two days ago at the gym I think I finally saw a change in myself. My sister said she saw a change in my body this summer when I went home. Everything looked firmer and I was getting my waist back. .....so even if the scale has not changed something else did.

Hang in there....think about all the positive comments you got about your speech and actually being on the same bill as Tom Brokaw.....wow a super accomplishment all the way around.

:dance: Way to Go!!! :dance:

bep
08-16-2006, 10:24 AM
I totally feel your pain. Every time I see a pic of me playing with my 2 beautiful children, all I can think of is how terrible I look. I pretty much avoid the camera. I want to be able to look at pictures and see the fun I had and memories I made with my kids instead of seeing a fat me taking up the whole picture. It has been a HUGE motivator for my weight loss.

tolose85
08-16-2006, 10:48 AM
I am so sorry that the pictures made you cry... I can really relate to that except, I cried when I saw pics from the last time when I was really skinny and at goal-- I've gained it all back and am working on losing it all again.

You have a lot of strength and courage to get up there and speak especially in front of such a prestegious crowd. If you can do that, then you for SURE can do this weight loss thing. Stay positive-- you'll be amazed how much being in a positive frame of mind helps when it comes to weight loss or for any situation for that matter. You can do it, we're here to help.

You're pretty awesome in my opinion... Keep up the good work!

Jen415
08-16-2006, 12:21 PM
You are only 20 and on the same bill as TOM BROKAW???? Girl, don't you know they just don't give those kinds of opportunities to just ANYONE??? You have obviously earned the right to do that, regardless of the number on the scale.

You said this about yourself: Im intellgent, articulate (when I try), kind,funny, generous and an all around good person

THIS is the part that matters the most....beauty fades, but inner beauty lasts forever.

Lifeguard
08-16-2006, 01:18 PM
Good for you for facing a fear & getting on that stage. I too know how much it hurts when you see pictures you were excited for & are crushed with disappointment by how you look. I cannot even tell you how many outfits that I liked & thought I looked ok in that immediately went to the salvation army bin after seeing pictures of myself in them (lol - like it was the clothes!) I try to use those moments as motivation now instead of letting it defeat me. I think of every photo as my "before" photo that instead of being shameful will be something for me to display & say - Look at what I did!!!!

Good luck along this not so fun journey of weightloss!

tolose85
08-16-2006, 01:51 PM
Lifeguard-- That's a good Idea-- keeping present pics as look where I was and now look where I am. I try to think like that too... Even when I see people now (and am embarrased because of my weight) I think-- let em chatter about the weight I've gained because a year from now when I see them again, they'll be eating their words! Its all about the progress!

BreakingFree
08-16-2006, 02:11 PM
I have since learned that it is psychological, I know what to expect. Loosing weight doesn't take care of everything. Not everyone magically becomes a new person. It takes more emotional work. This site has been an eye opener, reading all the stories of those that have been there. Counseling is also a benefit. These things didn't come to me until my mid 30's, but better late than never I guess. :D

I agree with this. There's a reason for the disconnect you describe and therapy, while not the only way, can be a very helpful way to find out why the disconnect exists. I don't know if you're a student or not but most colleges have no or low cost counseling available on campus. It also took me well into my 30's to start understanding the emotional and psychological underpinnings of my overeating. I hope you won't wait that long.

And, as the others said, congratulations on earning the honor to speak at this event!!

LisaMarie71
08-16-2006, 04:11 PM
I'm so impressed by your accomplishment, and I hate that you have to feel bad about it in ANY way because you should be so proud of yourself! Unfortunately, we live in a society where we feel like if we're overweight it negates all the good stuff we KNOW is within us. Even though we know better, when we see the pictures we can't help getting a little down. I've been through that so many times, and I avoid the camera like it's the West Nile virus or something.

All last year, my first year of teaching, I avoided the video cameras of my students who film school stuff for their little news program. I have such a great relationship with many of the students, and they really wanted me to get involved but I avoided it as much as possible. I felt really bad saying no, but I knew that seeing myself on the screen in front of my classroom and knowing the whole school was looking would just kill me.

These are some of the reasons a light finally clicked on in my brain. I know now that I HAVE to resolve this so I can get on with my life and so that these kinds of fears and feelings won't stop me from doing things I want and need to. I don't want my weight to stop me from accomplishing things, from helping people.

I don't even know you, but I'm proud of you for getting up in front of that room and talking for so many reasons. One -- Tom Brokaw!!!! And another -- you're 20!!! At 20, I could barely talk in front of my own friends!! It's wonderful that you're here on this board and getting support and encouragement at your age, because you can resolve this now and you have a long, healthy life in front of you!!

House_of_Mirth
08-16-2006, 07:36 PM
Thank You All!! You've all been fabulous. I'm so glad Im not the only one.

You were all right about having to do alot of inner work.My best friend said pretty much the same things only she prefaced it with "You putz" She also said that I had to find one nice thing to say about me in the pics, I said my neck looked nice.Not much, I know, but the best I can do. She also said I should really post the pics cause they are on the internet anyhow and I may as well show them to people who are sympathetic.

I know you'll be kind :smug:

http://www.nspnet.org/news/gallery_images/full_size/ny2006006.jpg

http://www.nspnet.org/news/gallery_images/full_size/ny2006004.jpg

Sheila53
08-16-2006, 08:06 PM
What I see are intelligent eyes and an incredibly beautiful smile. And, woman, you're standing next to TOM BROKAW! :D

tolose85
08-16-2006, 09:58 PM
You look wonderful and happy and wow-- what an accomplishment! You should be oh so proud...

junebug41
08-16-2006, 10:24 PM
What I see are intelligent eyes and an incredibly beautiful smile. And, woman, you're standing next to TOM BROKAW! :D

I second every word of that. You are shining from the inside out.

I know exactly how you feel. I remember a recital I did in particular, because I was performing a difficult and long concerto. Because I could never find anything that fit properly, I was wearing an old standby of a dress that was velour and tight (and shiny!!!). I felt just awful in it.

When I watched the tape of the performance, I hated how I looked.... and it showed. When I was done with the concerto, I just kind of ran off the stage. I didn't even notice that I had recieved a standing ovation. i was embarassed to take a proper bow. I will regret this forever.

I know it's hard to believe comments that are different than what you are feeling, but as my mom says, never be afraid to let your light shine. That is an incredible accomplishment, especially for someone your age. I don't even know you and I felt very proud looking at those pictures.

Jen
08-17-2006, 05:56 PM
We are definately our own worst critics. I think you look fine. You look so happy to be there and I'm sure the evening was an amazing success.

I have the same feeling about being in pictures and videos. There are practically no pictures of me at all. I read a story about a woman who felt the same way and when she passed on her family was upset that there were no photos to remember her by. In their eyes she was beautiful, she was a mom and a wife who loved her family and was loved by them. They didn't care about the extra pounds. When I read that I felt bad because I didn't want the same thing to happen to me. I started making sure that at least once a year we have a family portrait done so there is one nice picture of me every year. I haven't really ever been happy with the results but at least my family is happy to have the picture and that is what counts.

LisaMarie71
08-20-2006, 10:25 PM
I had a "when pics make you cry" experience Friday, and it wasn't even a picture of me!!

A new coworker told me that I remind her so much of a friend back home, and that I even LOOK exactly like her. Then she said, "See?" and showed me a picture. Sigh...

I don't want to say anything bad about the girl I supposedly look like, because she didn't do anything to me! LOL But really, I was instantly depressed. I have glasses and long hair and I weigh 254 pounds. And yes, that's what this girl looked like too. I guess I just forget sometimes that I look this big. I was a fairly attractive girl back in my thinner days, and I guess I sometimes think of myself that way still even though deep down I know that people see the fat first. Seeing that other girl just brought it all back. :(

harkeyvalley
08-21-2006, 02:13 AM
LisaMarie71, I guess we all look at ourselves with "rose colored glasses". We look at ourselves every day in the mirror doing our personal grooming, yet we focus on our eyes, mouth or hair. If we really saw ourselves as we really are, we wouldn't have allowed ourselves to gain this much weight. The fact that we are[B] here means we are on the road to removing this weight, and we willl no longer have to fear old pictures of ourselves or others. Keep up the good work, and Friday's incident will soon be a memory. Just remember, [B]this too shall pass.
Norma

Lottajunkinmytrunk
08-21-2006, 02:20 AM
My issue is that I think I'm thinner than I am. Then I see pictures and I'm like, holy mother of God I need to lose some weight. It was actually a picture my son took of me that made me jump back into Atkins and join up with the 3 fat chicks.

Sassy_Chick
08-21-2006, 09:23 AM
I will never forget my "OMG is this what I really look like?" Picture. It was when my parents came up to visit when we lived in Upstate NY. We took them to Niagra Falls one day. Of course we took pictures and one was of my parents and me together, should have been a nice memory of the day together, but when I saw the picture I could have cried right there........I even said in front of my mother (big mistake) how HUGE I was! She totally gave me a hard time with great reason too. Now I cherish that picture, as my step father passed away 3 yrs ago from Cancer.

That was a great day, a wonderful day and what a lovely picture to always remember that day.........

:hug:

BreakingFree
08-21-2006, 12:03 PM
Yeah, looking at pictures of ourselves, esp. at our highest weights, can be brutal. I had two "OMG" moments. One was me in a group picture (20-30 women) in which I was BY FAR the largest one in the picture. Can you say "One of these things is not like the others?" I was mortified. I had no idea (at least consciously) that I had gotten so big.

The second one is worse. I was watching a video at my brother's house of one of my nieces as a baby. One shot was a woman from the back, holding the baby. I almost asked who it was before the camera panned around and I realized it was ME. Thank god I didn't ask!! Another humiliating moment, nonetheless.

However, these two incidents, among a few others, pushed me to work on weight loss. So, even though they were painful, I'm grateful for them.