100 lb. Club - DHs Kiss or kill???
06-02-2006, 02:44 AM
OK A bit of background here. My partner (Col) and I met on the t'internet 5 years ago. I moved to England a year ago. I was at my fattest when we met.
When I decided to change my lifestyle two years ago, he was not supportive and pretty much thought I'd fall at the first hurdle. Well I'm still here baby!!!
And now, he's great, he's the first to say well done when I meet a goal or buy a new pair of jeans.
But the other day we were sitting on the couch and he caught a look at my stomach, and patted it and said "we'll find a way to sort this out when your at goal."
And now I'm completely paranoid. I wasn't planning on a tummy tuck. I am an anaesthologist's (or anaesthetist as we call em here) nightmare. I get sick afterwards, I'm allergic to morphine, and I keloid scar really badly. I was just planning on a good pair of magic knickers and hope for the best. Kudos to anyone who goes through such procedures, it's just not for me. And besides, we have no £££! And I can think of 25 things to do with £7 000, asides a tummy tuck. And if I was having surgery I'd want smaller perkier boobs, thanks very much!
So now, after prancing around the bedroom naked for the last four years at various weights (apologies to anyone eating their breakfast at this point), I now feel completely self concious. And kinda annoyed that I didn't bother him at my heighest weight, but now at the half way point he's thinking about my stomach.
I need someone to tell me he was just thinking of me, not himself, and to tell me to pull myself together :D
06-02-2006, 03:01 AM
I think he was only thinking of you, not himself, and you should pull yourself together. :D
lol, okay, now seriously: I'm a big believer in communication. Guessing what your partner is thinking or his motives is the quick road to danger. Our guesses are always so much more extreme then reality ends up presenting. A lot of people are getting some sort of reconstructive surgery, maybe this was his way of just letting you know that the cost was okay with him if that is something you want to pursue. It could be that you've been giving some signals of dissatisfaction with that area that you don't even realize. It could be that it was an idle remark, and he doesn't even remember it already. But you won't know unless you ask, or at least bring up the issue neutrally later.
And, anyway, actions are so much more important that words. I'm sure you know through his actions day in and out how he feels about you. ;)
06-02-2006, 03:28 AM
I agree with Andoreth. He was just being supportive in that bull-headed, doltish way that males have. :hug: totally sympathise with you though. My DH made a similar off handed remark when our firstborn was just a few weeks old regarding "the jiggly tummy" that I still get upset about.
06-02-2006, 04:49 AM
Your post made me think back to what happened to me in the winter of this year with my skinny BF and his comment about being embarassed by me in public. I just recently was ok being out with him in public again after that and am still smarting and questioning his motives sometimes. It's hard when the person you love pulls the rug out from under you.
However I agree with Laura and Jen, I think your guy was just being supportive in a typical "man not knowing how to say it right" kind of way. It sounds like he is behind you 100% and wants to continue to be verbally supportive. I would let it go and not worry....you obviously are doing well for yourself and making all these great choices so YOU can be happy. That's what it is all about in the long run.
06-02-2006, 06:37 AM
My fella has said stuff I havent liked. A few days ago I was talking about how many inches I've lost overall (28.5!) but only two off my belly. He made some comment like 'Well you'll have to change what you are doing to get that off. Maybe up things at the gym.'
I ended up in a circle of justification i.e. 'well everyone says things don't come off all over at the same time but it evens out' 'I do lots of stomach muscle exercise at the gym' etc etc. Thing is I know my guy likes bigger girls so he isn't pushing me for him. I just fished for some compliments later and felt better.
So those would be my suggestions - either tell him how you feel and have a chat about it (the sensible choice!) or fish for compliments to make you feel better i.e. don't you think my body looks so much better etc etc (the Coley option!). LOL
06-02-2006, 06:46 AM
he wasnt thinking about babies... ;0)
06-02-2006, 09:24 AM
About 2 weeks ago on the travel channel I saw where you can do a vacation package to Brazil and get surgery + a vacation for a week for around $5000. And they said it is very reliable surgeons with no more complications than here in the states. It made me breathe a little easier. One of my fears about losing the 100 lbs I need to take off is all the sagy skin afterward. Personally, if I could lay myself on a table and let them nip and tuck all over I would be happy LOL.
06-02-2006, 11:09 AM
Ok, put me down on the side that says "doltish male trying to be helpful". But talk about it rather than let it churn you up.
I too have anesthesia problems and am allergic to morphine. I've had to have enough really necessary surgery that I'm convinced I will never do anything so risky to me unless it's really required. That might be a good part of your talk too. Sometimes they just forget.....
If he was ok with you at your highest, I suspect he'll be ok with your tummy as 'tis. But you're here doing all this healthy stuff to improve your life - you're right not to consider risking it with anesthesia (though the good ones can get you through ok) but Tylenol 3 after major surgery is not fun (been there, done that).
I don't keloid but have some sibs who do and that's no joy either. Sometimes having to have surgery again to repair the scar.
But you're doing great and just stick to that thought (after you have your little talk).
06-02-2006, 11:34 AM
I'd say definitely talk with him. Also, some of your skin will regain its elasticity but you may always have a pooch. I'm not set on surgery myself, but I might end up getting it when I lose 100 more lbs. Part of it is pure vanity, in that I've never had a good looking body, it would be nice to have a flat tummy once in my life.
06-02-2006, 01:07 PM
[QUOTE=muddimomma]About 2 weeks ago on the travel channel I saw where you can do a vacation package to Brazil and get surgery + a vacation for a week for around $5000. QUOTE]
That's £3000 we haven't got ;) And with my anaesthetic risk there is no way I would travel 15 hours away from home! (I'm in England) They do deals like that here with Eastern Bloc countries, but you haven't got access to the consultant if things go wrong in the months after your surgery. I just wouldn't take the risk.
I'll try having a chat. This happened about 3 weeks ago, and I doubt he'll even remember it now :doh:
He's normally supersensitive, but he'll think that he's done something terribly wrong and over react no matter how gently we have the talk.
It's more me that's the problem. I can normally just let things go, but I think because deep down I am anxious about the whole excess skin thing, the fact he is slightly anxious (or picking up on my anxiety) makes it worse :dizzy:
The thing is, I've had a fat tummy all my life! And a skinny flabby tummy is better than a lumpy fat one :D
I've already got a 15 inch scar across it from surgery when I had my gallbladder out, I don't really want any more scars!
06-02-2006, 01:47 PM
I think he was picking up your anxiety about your excess skin. If you don't want to initiate the chat but you're not going to let it go, wait until there's a time. Like watching the makeover channel and someone has surgery say, "Wow, I wish I could do that but with my history with anatheisia, I doubt I'll ever be able to go through plastic surgery." That will get him asking questions and then it will be out in the open without a big "talk."
And I thought he meant sit-ups so my impression was way different! :)
I think he was saying that he'd be happy to fork out the money to have you get the surgery so you could have the body you've always wanted. My husband will likely scream when I tell him I want plastic surgery (unless of course I am having my boobs made as big as my head!).
06-02-2006, 05:18 PM
I think he was picking up your anxiety about your excess skin.
I agree. You can always bring it up as a topic and then if you feel like it mention the conversation with him afterwards. From what you've said, I don't get the impression it's a big deal to him either way.
I would guess the truth is he's proud and thrilled about what you've done, all the healthy changes not just for you, but for him too. With all the tv shows and news stories about plastic surgery, at least in the US, I can see where the average person would be a lot more blase about the idea (much more so than even 10 years ago).
06-02-2006, 05:24 PM
Thanks for the input Jessica and Marge (and everyone else ;) )
I think you're both right. He always comemtns on how dedicated I am, and how hard I work I think he probably is picking up on no matter how hard I work at my situps and core work and cardio, I'm always going to have the problem.
How I react to him is up to me, isn't it??? ;)
I've always been quite live and let live about my body, it's only now that i am investing serious time and energy I am getting a bit more concerned about how I look. Oh and the cute girls at the gym don't help either!!!