[lilolme]

Ok, since I have lost a big protion of my weight and am starting to feel good about myself again, I realize I am not happy in my marriage. Long story but what I was wondering is does anyone know of any sites that I could go to , that may be able to help me work out what I need to do? Just not sure........

[lilolme]

Just realized how silly my original post sounds. The whole point is I have been married for 19 yrs. to a man that is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I married young, only guy I ever dated and whenever I tried breaking it off, he would go into a rage.At the age of 17 I thought that he really loved and needed me.Fast forward 19 yrs and the roller coaster of emotions continue. He is VERy moody and especially cranky now that I have lost weight. I believe he felt secure all those years that I was overweight and now is not. I grew up with a very very cranky father and it feels like that is where I'm headed now with hubby. Don't want to do that. He also has a very violent temper and I have to hold all my thoughts and feelings inside for the sake of the kids. Whenever he goes into one of his rages, it is scary.I feel as though I have had my fill. I guess now that I have lost weight and know that I can still turn ahead or 2, I realize that I don't have to stay with him the rest of my life because I don't want to be lonely. I'm 37 and have 3 boys 15,13 and10 so this complicates things alot too. If anyone has gone through anything like this, please post. Or am I the only nut out here,lol. I'm looking for some guidance or advice.

[GreatBigMonsterMomma]

Contact your local battered women's shelter. If he hasn't been physically violent, they probably won't help you directly, but they should be able to hook you up with the appropriate agencies in your area. Also, Google your state + divorce laws; that'll turn up some useful stuff. You need to get a lawyer right away if you are thinking about so much as separating. With children, it's imperative that you get court orders governing child support (spousal support too, if it's on the books where you are), custody, and visitation. Your sons are old enough that they should have input in the visitation thing. You need these things even if you're only going to separate right now & don't know about divorce. Honestly, were I you, I'd run for the hills, but I'm not you.

If you go to church & are on good terms with your priest/pastor (I know this isn't always the case), talk with him about it; most churches have contacts in social services. If you've been a stay-at-home mom you need to look into getting job training, so contact your local community college and some of the trade schools near you.

If you don't have a job right now, try to get one, even if it's only part time. If you are planning to leave but are OK staying a while longer, take a few months to get things into place, to save up for first month's rent/security deposit, etc.

Good luck to you, whatever the outcome. I wish I could give you specifics.

[RobertW]

Originally Posted by GreatBigMonsterMomma

Honestly, were I you, I'd run for the hills, but I'm not you.

If you go to church & are on good terms with your priest/pastor (I know this isn't always the case), talk with him about it; most churches have contacts in social services. If you've been a stay-at-home mom you need to look into getting job training, so contact your local community college and some of the trade schools near you.

If you don't have a job right now, try to get one, even if it's only part time. If you are planning to leave but are OK staying a while longer, take a few months to get things into place, to save up for first month's rent/security deposit, etc.

Good luck to you, whatever the outcome. I wish I could give you specifics.

Very sound advice.

[almostheaven]

First consider these "rages". Does he just get angry and yell, or are they physical. Yelling isn't abuse per se. It can be emotional abuse...dependent upon the severity.

Three kids does more than just "complicate" matters though. It doesn't mean you can't divorce, if that's the route you ultimately decide is necessary. However, it does mean that you can't completely divorce. He is always going to be in your life. Or at least for another 8 years (since your youngest is 10). And if it's hard now, it may get even harder. What if he doesn't pay support? Can you raise 3 boys alone? What if he plays mind games with the kids, tells them lies about you? Are you prepared to put them into counseling...and pay that as well? What if he manages to somehow get custody?!? Can you live with that? Some courts will take what kids 12 and up say into consideration. So if the older two want to stay with dad, they just may get it and you could end up being the one paying support. Can you do it?

Now go back and rethink his "rages". Are they serious?

If after all this, your answer is still yes, your second question is...will he agree to marital counseling?

As GBMM mentioned, speak with your pastor, or a local pastor if you do not attend church. Many of them are trained in basic counseling. Maybe if he won't do marital counseling, he'll at least go see a pastor with you for that counseling. And then perhaps the pastor can talk him into marital counseling. If he refuses all around and these rages are bad enough to warrant it, your next step...

Contact your local Legal Aid Society (should find it listed in the phone book...it may be run by the County if it's not with regular businesses). If you don't qualify for their help, check the Bar Association website for local legal help, and you may find some pro bono attorneys. Contact a local women's shelter. Even if it's not physical, they would still offer you plenty of advice on how to get out of the situation.

Pointers before leaving...

Make copies of all important documents (stocks, retirement accounts, bank accounts, etc.) and keep them somewhere off the property, put aside some emergency money into a personal account, then get a free consult (or a pro bono attorney) to find out the first step you should take before informing him of a divorce. The attorney may recommend you remain in the house, or take the kids and go, or get a restraining order. Wouldn't hurt to get two consults as not all attorneys are created equally. If they both advise similar, then you know they're on the right track.

If you want further, or state specific, information, try www.divorcesource.com.

[lilolme]

Thanks so much for all the advice and pms. I am going to work on getting a job and just continue to try to make him think things are ok. I hate to deceive but I'm not quite ready for my Independence Day yet. Not with 3 kids. Everyone here is so helpful. Thanks so much!!!

[Mummy_Tummy]

You're doing the right thing. Even women in physically abusive marriage are encouraged to have a plan. The more prepared you are, the better off it will be. My ex was a total jerk that way, too. We walked on eggshells around him and I put up with it for 12 years because I had children and didn't think I could make it on my own. And also, change is scary. Sometimes the evil that you know is easier than the evil that you don't. At least, that's how I looked at it. I did exactly what you're doing, got a job and got things in order before I left. You will be terrified, you will feel alone but you will also feel a sense of freedom that you have never realized before.

I'd go so far as to say find an apartment and make arrangements for moving out before you even tell him what you're doing. Deceit? So what, if you feel your safety is at risk. And don't break the news to him alone. I'd make sure someone was there, at least waiting on the other side of an unlocked door.

Good luck!