General chatter - Gain because you married a control freak?




icmethinner
02-23-2006, 11:02 AM
I know there are many, many reasons people become overweight. I think a big part of mine has had to do with my husband being extremely controlling, micromanaging, yeah, a control freak.

I think when you try to control a person, you breed contempt and rebellion. Part of my contempt and rebellion was basically to say, I will eat what I want, when I want, as much as I want and gain as much weight as I want, and I don't care if you like it or not. Unfortunately, when we do that, we are hurting ourselves as well as the controller and it doesn't solve the problem.

Anyhow, I think unconsciously, that is what I did for years. Anyone else?


DeafinlySmart
02-23-2006, 11:19 AM
I did that with my dad in high school. I was 135 in 8th grade, perfectly fine. One day a girlfriend of his convinced him he needed to monitor my weight. He started LOCKING good stuff up in the deepfreezer. Demanding I stand on the scale so he could look at it. He would sit and ask me "do you know how many calories are in that item" even when I was eating fruit. He gave me talks about how "the only reason boys date fat girls is because they think they are easy." I became a closet eater in spite, then bulemic. I gained weight. Then 2 years later I moved in with my mom. She cooked big home cooked meals and even had candy sitting out constantly. The only thing she ever said to me was to switch from regular soda to diet soda. I was able to date, go out with friends, and she signed me up for gymnastics. I lost 12lbs without conscious effort the first summer I was with her. I didn't know it until a doctor said something. Then I started dropping more weight. I didn't really even have to think about it. It was great.

Really my dad is a great day he is just OCD. When I came back to his house the next year and he said something about the icecream I was eating, I turned around and looked at him and said "I lostx amt of weight, no thanks to you. I can deciede for myself what I will eat, not you." From then on, I had no problem with him.

Rebeca
02-23-2006, 11:19 AM
I know there are many, many reasons people become overweight. I think a big part of mine has had to do with my husband being extremely controlling, micromanaging, yeah, a control freak.

I think when you try to control a person, you breed contempt and rebellion. Part of my contempt and rebellion was basically to say, I will eat what I want, when I want, as much as I want and gain as much weight as I want, and I don't care if you like it or not. Unfortunately, when we do that, we are hurting ourselves as well as the controller and it doesn't solve the problem.

Anyhow, I think unconsciously, that is what I did for years. Anyone else?

I married a week after my 18th birthday... TO a wonderful man who was really in love with me...HIs problem is that he is extremely jealous but will not admit to it... When i first got married i weighted 150lbs, very curvy body, large breats ( i am from brazil, so lets just say that I have a brazilian body)... I have always got lots attention from males and after being married to him starting to gain weight so guyz will not look at me and he will not be upset, or sad or jealous! He seems to always think that I will find someone better and in more than one occasion has asked me how can i be able to love him... it seems like he doesnt believe my love but in the long run i just started to feel bad about msyelf and have low self steem!

IT problably doesnt help that he is italian and wants to feed me in every occasion (I swear sometimes i do think it is on purpose)! He will take me out to eat three or four times a week! That has been days that i had breakfast, lunch and dinner out...

but i still love him....

and i will be thin again!


coley144
02-23-2006, 11:30 AM
My last big relationship was with a guy who was very negative all the time. I too ate partly just to piss him off! He hassled me to lose weight but said it was only 'for my health.' Would have been fair enough if there was any action in the bedroom!;)

He never got a job, spent my money, put me down in front of my friends. What was I doing? Best thing I ever did was to rid myself of him. For months afterwards he raided our joint account even though it was my money! I have never felt as old as I did when I was with him - and that was 10 years ago!

In comparison the guy I am with now is an angel!

icmethinner
02-23-2006, 11:33 AM
Can I be you? Just kidding - but my husband never wants to go out to eat. I Have to cook and clean for every meal.

I can relate a little - I used to get lots of male attention too, and I got tired of it. So that also contributed to not caring if I gained weight.

jules1216
02-24-2006, 08:13 AM
I have been married to a control freak for twenty years. I always thought after the kids moved out that I would too, but I am still here. Counseling did help and at this point I think he is afraid that I will actually leave so he is trying to reign in the things that I have probelems with him doing. I didn't gain weight until I my second pregnancy when I gained over 100 pounds and never lost it!! (She will be 19 in June) I did let the control freak in him sabotage my weight loss afterwards. I did get down to around 160 but he started in on me about "who" was I losing the weight for. Alcohol had always been my way to deal with things and after having kids I refused to be a drunk mother so I changed my addiction to food and am just realizing it and that I need to get ahold of it.

icmethinner
02-24-2006, 12:28 PM
Jules I can so relate to you! Many times I have thought that I'm lucky not to be an alcholic and that my addiction has been to food instead. I have read that many alcoholics switch to sugary foods once they stop the alcohol addiction. Unfortunately, the very behavior we choose to help us cope with the controller ends up hurting us. My husband tries to micromanage everything I do, and I am so tired of arguing about it. But he's pretty good to the children and I know that even if I divorced him, I'd still have to see him when he came for visitation, etc., and then he'd be even more angry, so he'd be ever harder to deal with, so, I'm just trying to stick it out. At least now that I have stopped trying to "fix" the marriage and I am just focusing on giving my children a decent life, I am not having to turn to food so much for comfort. The food was sort of a rebellion for me, and a comfort as well, and now that I am no longer defeated by constantly trying to improve my relationship with my husband, I can focus on other things in life, like my children and my health.

jules1216
02-25-2006, 05:08 PM
Icemethinner: I too quit trying to be the "perfect" wife that my husband wanted because there was no way that I could ever please him. Counseling showed me that. I remember when I first started standing up to him and he started complaining that I changed. Yeah, I stopped being his doormat and guess what the relationship did improve. Is it perfect?? No. Does he still hurt my feelings by making rude comments? Yes. Am I starting to do things that make me happy? Yes. Would I leave if he ever even threatened me with physical violence? In a New York minute and if he actually did the deed he'd have charges pressed against him. Did I stay for the kids? Yes, even though alot of people here would probably say that was foolish. Do I or they regret it? No. I do love him and in spite all his faults he still is there for me & the kids when we need him and I can't picture life without him and I do have several options if I did decide to leave.
Sounds like you and I have very similar lives, pm me if you ever need support!

Safiyah_is_Fluffy
02-26-2006, 06:55 PM
my husband has major ocd, I find myself in tears if I make mistakes he just makes a super big deal about everything and then I go hide in the room and hours later he will apologize, like this morning, I thought he had stayed up all night on the computer trying to fix it and I was worried, he has a lung infection and I told him that he should sleep because he is ill, he got really mad at me!!! of course i said nothing an waited until the yelling was done, he doesnt curse at me but just gets really really unruly, and then comes back two hours later and apologizes, he has bad ocd and depression because of his illness