General chatter - Is my marriage screwed? Advice PLEASE!!




4myloves
02-22-2006, 04:28 PM
I know this can be a tough crowd, but what I need are blunt, honest replies! Am I being totally unreasonable?


When I moved in with Stewart (my H) back in June he told me not to worry about paying any of the bills because he knew that I still had my trailer and all the bills associated with it to pay. Around August he looked at me one night while we were watching TV and said: "You know, I don't think it's right that I'm paying all the bills and your just getting to keep all of your money."

I *calmly* reminded him of the discussion that we'd had in June when he told me not to worry about paying anything and told him that when I paid off or sold my trailer I'd help him. Since then he has been CONSTANTLY (at least twice a month) reminding me that I need to be helping him with the light bill and the water bill.

I paid the December light bill even though I didn't have any extra money because I though he'd be happy with that for awhile. Well, I sold my trailer in January. This is the 1st month I've not had a payment on it, so I can't really tell a difference financially yet.

Saturday night he started on that thing about me paying half the bills again. I told him I would if he would figure out what half was and tell me what he wanted me to pay. Keep in mind that up until now all we have ever talked about me paying was half the water and half the electric (which were the bills that increased after I moved in)...... Well, last night he came in and told me he wants me to pay him $200/month to live there.

I wasn't expecting him to want that much, and my reaction was shock. I asked him what was $400 and he said the lights, water, phone, house payment, dish network and house insurance premiums. I told him that I didn't mind paying the lights and water, but I feel that the rest of those are his bills--
1. it's "his" house (he keeps reminding me of that) and I moved into it--it's not "our" house.
2. I don't need a house phone and I don't feel as though I should have to pay for his. It's HIS--my name is not in the phone book and I don't give that number to people. I have had a house phone 8 months out of the last five years and that was when I lived in an area where I didn't have cell service. When I told him that he said that if that was the case I needed to keep my G--d a$$ off his phone. (The only time I use that phone is when I answer it--and it's usually for him!! Or my MIL calling for me)
3. I didn't ask him to get dish network and he didn't ask me if I wanted it. He purchased it on his own and signed an 18 month contract on it. Now he wants me to pay half of it. I won't even go into the problems we're having with it (Just think late night and early morning programming!!)
4. The house is HIS house. I moved into it. He'd have the same payment on it whether I lived there or not. He's told me before that if "we" do ever buy a house that he's getting it in his and his dad's name so that if we ever get divorced I won't have a claim to it--or if he dies I won't be able to sell what he worked for. I'm sorry, but this attitude does NOT make me want to contribute to the payment of "his" house.

Am I being unreasonable? A part of me feels guilty because I'm not being the "good little wife" and just GIVING him $200/month, but the other part of me thinks that $200 is a LOT of money. $200 is RENT!!

Let me also say this: I suggested that we open a joint checking account to pay the bills from--I put in $250 and he put in $250--he was TOTALLY opposed to that idea.

Help


icmethinner
02-22-2006, 04:35 PM
Oh my goodness!! How long have you been married? Do you have children? It sounds like there are no children involved and if not, I think you need to get out. That's not a loving marital relationship you are in. When you are married, everything belongs to both of you. He doesn't get to tell you to get off the phone.

I am staying in my marriage because of my children. But if I was you and there were no children, I'd get out while the getting is good. There are way better relationships you could be in than that - you'd be better off just dating someone and not being bossed around. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear - but if you only knew how many times I have wished I had gotten out before I had children. Now it is much more complicated.

Please have more respect and love for yourself than to live like that!!:hug:

NemesisClaws
02-22-2006, 04:35 PM
Wow...I'm gonna assume here that ya'll have been separated in the past, right? Which explains why you both had your own places. Honestly, you should've kept your own place. It sounds like he's trying to do "selective memory" and basically get you to pay half, if not all of the bills. When it comes to the phone, I would just refuse to pay that if you never make phone calls. Heck, you can buy a cell phone of your own to avoid this. Furthermore, it seems very weird to me that it's "his" house and not "our" house, especially since ya'll are married! Either you share all the way, or this marriage doesn't have a snowball chance in heck. I would demand to see all of the bills upfront instead of just taking his word for it, sit down and go over each bill to determine how much is half. That's my fair assesment of it. IF he doesn't like it or doesn't want to do it, you're seriously gonna have to think about moving.


MlleOdile
02-22-2006, 04:37 PM
You have a lot of issues to deal with... power issues are often worked out as money issues. Hard to say what else is going on here... no physical or emotional abuse? Alchoholism or drug use? There is no mention of love, or what you want in your post. Each state has its own laws about the default rules as to the legal characteristics of property owned prior to the marriage... sounds like you need a marriage counselor and a lawyer... sorry that I can't be more positive.

happytx
02-22-2006, 04:42 PM
Wow, Im a little confused, if you are married, why are things still this seperate, I mean I get some seperate stuff but this is everything, why is that? Also if you get divorced he doesnt want you to have part of it, but he wants you to contribute to it? And if he dies he doesnt want you taken care of? That doesnt sound like a marriage, this sounds like a room mate agreement. If he wants to be married, then he should want to share his life, and his things with you, he should want you to be taken care of if something should happen to him. Thats what love is, its the sharing of 2 people. I also understand that we live in a world of divorce and you should always take care of yourself and be aware, but this seems a little extreme, and very pessimistic. Have y'all thought of marrige counseling? i wish you the best of luck, but I really think this is going to be a huge burden until y'all get this worked out, and you just giving in without any sort of compromise, will not be helping any. This is just my opinion. I hope it helps, and like I said good luck!!

cinnamonspice
02-22-2006, 04:44 PM
I am so sorry you are in this position. You asked for brutal honesty, here goes....Why wouldn't he want your or his name on papers if you had a new house? He doesn't plan on being with you forever. He doesn't care enough to think you would deserve it to sell or do whatever with if he were to pass on. He is ridiculous. You do not have a marriage, but more of an arrangement it sounds like to me. I agree.....Get out...and do it fast.

Cut your losses and find someone that WILL love you and more importantly RESPECT you, because you are getting NO respect from that man.

Wide in Winnipeg
02-22-2006, 05:00 PM
HAHA!!! Sounds all to familiar to me!!:D Sorry for laughing,it is not directed to you!Just the situation.

Heres some advice~DO NOT HAVE A JOINT BANK ACCOUNT!!!!He can take ALL the money in it and you can't do a thing about it!

try to check the bills for the last 6 months to see how they fluctuate in price,I think you have to pay 1/2 of SOME of these bills if you expect to stay in this marriage,otherwise he will not stop bothering you about it!

Sounds to me he want's a room mate not a wife!Do you think you are worth more than what he treats you??I hope so.....
Take care and good luck!:hug:

4myloves
02-22-2006, 05:06 PM
Have y'all thought of marrige counseling?

I told him I thought we needed it and he said flat out "No." End of that discussion.

Hard to say what else is going on here... no physical or emotional abuse? Alchoholism or drug use?

How funny that you should ask. . . The only "problem" I've had with that is him calling me dumb a$$ and remarking on my weight at times (he accused me of breaking the toilet because I "sit on it too hard"?). I don't know if that's emotional abuse or me being overly sensitive again. We have had a problem with his drinking, but he says he just does it to flush out his kidneys.

I'm gonna assume here that ya'll have been separated in the past, right? Which explains why you both had your own places.

Nope. We got married in November of 2004 but I lived 250 miles away from him. I moved in with him in June of 2005, but didn't sell my trailer until Jan of 2006. So until I sold my trailer in January I was having to drive 500 miles twice a month in the summer (from when I moved in with him in June--so that's June, July, August, and September) to maintain it and keep the lawn mowed and once/month after that.

4myloves
02-22-2006, 05:09 PM
Heres some advice~DO NOT HAVE A JOINT BANK ACCOUNT!!!!He can take ALL the money in it and you can't do a thing about it!

We got $1,700 in tax returns last year, routed into his checking account. I got $600 of it because I had to have my truck serviced--AFTER I gave him the invoice showing that the work was done.

He was "trying to teach me how to save money."

kayleystar
02-22-2006, 05:25 PM
I am definately not an expert...after all, I'm only 19. But this does NOT sound like a healthy relationship at all. Like the ladies before me have said, this is a MARRIAGE, and the things (house/cars/whatever) should be BOTH of yours. Sounds like he's on a power trip, and honestly, it doesn't sound like there is a lot of love there. You could find someone who would love you and treat you a lot better than that. Again, I'm definately not an expert...;) Good luck in whatever you decide to do, hun. Keep us informed. :hug:

happytx
02-22-2006, 05:25 PM
Im so sorry about this, but if he us unwilling to go to counseling then you have your answer, he doesnt want to be married, and you need to leave. Big hugs sister, hang in there, and dont settle for a man that doesnt love you properly and doesnt respect you.

Losingitin06
02-22-2006, 05:29 PM
If you want someone to be blunt.. my suggestion is get out now before he starts telling you what to wear and how to act ect!

I think it's ******ed that he would do that... If my husband tried that crap i'd say "See ya".

I'm not saying that you shouldn't help with the bills.. i mean.. my husband pays everything because i am home with the boys (actually i pay the car insurance ) and It would be dumb for me to work and put 2 boys in daycare...

BUT if he said he'd like you to help pay (or pay) the electric and water bills and you agreed on that before then he shouldn't expect you to pay all thoes other bills to live in the house... it almost seems like he wants to you pay to live with your own husband?... what if you were disabled for some reason... and couldn't pay anything.. would he kick you out?

Ellen
02-22-2006, 05:34 PM
Is your marriage screwed? I am afraid the only honest answer I can give is yes. If my husband acted like that, he would no longer BE my husband. If you are working, I see no reason why you should not contribute to the bills, but his attitude is scary. Why ever should you pay rent? Or for half the bills, especially if he is not willing to consider you joint owner in your mutual property. You need counseling, and if he refuses, go by yourself. Your situation is NOT normal. As others have said, it sounds more like a room mate situation.

cadwell125
02-22-2006, 05:52 PM
if he is so keen on the idea of having his dad's name on the house, maybe *they* should get married.
he doesn't respect you, so i would say get out before he steals all your money. "teaching you how to save.." yeah, right.
this guy doesn't know how to treat a lady. he's not a real man, he's just a little-boy-bully. i'm surprised he doesn't pull your hair and throw rocks at you.
good luck honey!

ZedAus
02-22-2006, 05:55 PM
This is certainly a difficult situation, and one I would never want to find myself in. Well... actually I'm not sure how difficult it is. As someone else mentioned, you have not said anything about 'love'. From that, if I can assume that either you are not sure if you love him, or whether he loves you, then the decision would be extremely simple. LEAVE!

The only way this decision would be difficult is if there was a deep love involved, then I could see that you would not want to leave. But, and I say this sincerely, you should NOT ever put up with behaviour like this from a husband. Marriage is a joint venture and it sounds as though he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You haven't mentioned a physical relationship, but I truly feel that this may be the only reason he wants you around, well... other than financially now of course. There is NO way he should be talking about 'his' house in that way and not protecting you in case something happened. He has not accepted this marriage as he should, and that would be enough for me to say 'bye'.

On the other hand, if I am wrong, and there is a deep love here, then perhaps you could try to go to counselling on your own for a few sessions and get some ideas for yourself before trying again to get him to attend with you. But I feel as though he may still not want to go, which means that he isn't willing to fight for this 'marriage'.

I am truly sorry you are going through this, but I do believe that if you look at the situation clearly enough you will come to the right decision.

Take care,:hug:

Zelma

P.S. My husband has NEVER said anything nasty about my weight, and I'm not sure I would 'like' him if he did, let alone love him. This on its own tells me that something is just not right.

LockItUp
02-22-2006, 05:59 PM
Maybe I am coming from a totally different place here, but I wouldn't have married someone unless all the financial stuff was clear. My fiance and I have had a joint account for almost 2 years. There's no halfing things, the money we make goes into one account and we pay the bills that way. I needed to get all that stuff all together and good before even thinking about getting married. After watching what my mom has gone through all these years with my dad being very financially irresponsible, I wasn't about to play russian roulette with my future. It doesn't sound like a "marriage" like way to be looking at the bills and finances. I mean I can understand why he'd want you to contribute, but he doesn't seem to be approaching it like a husband. I think that if he's not willing to get help and since you guys don't seem to see eye to eye anyway what kind of steps can be made to better the situation? If there's no answer to that, then I think that you've answered your own question about your marriage. Best of luck to you!

happydaisy
02-22-2006, 06:21 PM
My gut reaction, without reading what anyone else had to say is that you need to leave him. This isn't a marriage, it isn't a partnership. On the one hand I don't think 200 is an unreasonable amount to contribute to a household. My concern is that this does not appear to be your household. I spent a significant amount of time volunteering/working in a domestic violence shelter. I cannot tell you the concern I have for women who don't make sure that they have money/property etc.. in THEIR name. If he is already saying the house in his name in case of divorce he is already going there in his mind and may be giving you a hint. You need to protect your interests. You need to have an account that he cannot get into and start working on filling it up with money. You need to have your name on that house or your name on none of his bills, but it can't be both ways. When/if one of you leaves you shouldn't be saddled with his bills unless you are entitled to some kind of money from the house. Be careful, seek help/advice from a woman's organization/legal clinic or wherever you can find it. Most importantly, this doesn't sound like a man who will bolster your self esteem. A marriage should be a partnership that betters both individuals and this doesn't sound like the case in your home. You deserve better, and you must demand better or you won't receive it.

DeafinlySmart
02-22-2006, 06:24 PM
Your marriage is not screwed, but you do need to go to counseling because he isn't going to take your word for it. His mindset is as 2 separate people instead of as a couple. Money is the number one marital issue in a marriage. With intervention, he can learn (MAYBE) to see a different perspective. Telling him till you are blue in the face will not work and you'll end up resenting it. The change of perception will have to include compromise, but he needs help understanding what a marriage is. Do you live in a community property state? I do. Basically it doesn't matter who makes what, both split evenly in the end. My husband came in with debt and I asked him to reduce some of it before we got married (in gesture of good faith) and he did. I didn't have a specific amount. I just wanted to see that he wasn't a spend thrift. Then we set up clear rules on credit card use and agree to discuss budgets. Once we had the trust, thing were flexible and smooth. Going this rate will build distrust and you won't have a healthy money relationship (which is VITAL).

skyootr
02-22-2006, 06:24 PM
I am sorry to say your husband does not sound like he cares much about you or your future should he be around or not. Not wanting to put your name on a house that you may purchase in the future is crap. He sounds like he is only interested in having a roommate with fringe benefits!
He does not have your best interest at heart - nor does he have positive ideas/thoughts about your future. You deserve more respect and consideration.

I'm sorry to have to say - but I agree - you need to get out before it gets worse....

good luck I hope you find the strength to figure out what you need to do...

boarderchick
02-22-2006, 07:11 PM
The short answer is "yes". Get out and get out now. You're married to a controlling man, and it can only get worse. I'm sorry, but you'll be WAY better off without him. Use the money from the sale of your trailer to start fresh on your own. Good luck.

1dayatatime
02-22-2006, 07:18 PM
Ahem, you could beat him at his own game. If you pay half the mortgage and half the bills to maintain the home. Plus, over time you put money into improving the home, the property could be considered marital even if your name isn't on the deed. Of course, this might take a few years but you never know. It might be risky but it's true.

No offense, but he doesn't sound like a very smart man. Work up a contract between the two of you that you agree to half of the homes upkeep, being that you are man and wife and will make this house your marital home. You carry more weight as his wife than his dad does. If you're going to stay have it in writing.

pumpingiron
02-22-2006, 07:40 PM
Sounds like my first marriage....

I got an "allowance" of $25/wk. Had to beg up from $20
Out of this I had to pay for my dog's food, gas (I commuted to school), clothes, presents and whatever else I felt like.
He could make a $1200.00 purchase w/out consulting me.
For the food bill I was allowed $40.00/week. If I went over that he sat me down with the receipt and questioned any purchase over $2.00. "Did you really need this???"
(This didn't happen when we first got married either)
TOTAL CONTROL ISSUE!!!! The drinking escalated to every night, and he would take "business trips" w/out leaving me any means of contact. I had to account for my whereabouts AT ALL TIIMES.
I left him a long time ago and have never looked back. I am happily married with 2 kids.

This man is all wrong for you. Get out while you are in one piece!!!!! Good luck!!

NemesisClaws
02-22-2006, 08:07 PM
Some tips for you in this situation.....
1) start putting money into your account, don't tell him about it, and save up enough to move out
2) do NOT put your name on a thing! You don't want to get saddled with debt!
3) Mental abuse is NOT ok, for any reason! He sounds like an a$#, and believe me, there are worst things in life than to be lonely.
4) NO JOINT ACCOUNTS! I'm actually surprised that he didn't jump at this considering he's such a money-hog. In all fairness, sharing the money is what to be expected in a marriage, but his attitude and selective memory definitely sounds like he's in it for himself.
5)If you've got family and friends nearby or far that you know you can stay with, GO! It sucks to be homeless, and I went through it myself, but by working and helping out, eventually you will be in a place of contentment.
6)If however, you decide to stay with him and try to work this out, give yourself a deadline. If things do not improve within 3 months, then hit the road.

Praying for ya! :hug:

telemetrynurse
02-22-2006, 08:19 PM
Several people have mentioned "love" in their posts.
Do you really love him?

That's a tough question to answer sometimes. One thing, which I got from Dr. Joy Brown--tv & radio psychologist, is to ask yourself a question.

If you won the lottery would you stay with your husband?

If the answer is "no" you need to get out.

If the answer is "yes" you should explore ways to make the relationship work, if possible --counseling. Even though he has refused you should still seek help, imo, to gain insight into the situation.

Whatever you do, best wishes and :hug:

susie_sunshine
02-22-2006, 08:58 PM
Run Like The Wind!!!!!!!!!!!

Intrinsicat
02-22-2006, 10:02 PM
boarderchick and pumpingiron are right on the money - he's a control freak. Whatever behavior that seems like little annoyances now, multiply by 10 later on down the line. A year and a half into the marriage you're still supposed to be honeymooning, not feeling oppressed!

I would wager that while he makes the comments about your weight, that he will try to sabotage your weight loss efforts. If he's a control freak it means he's insecure. Maybe his father treated his mother poorly? Or maybe his mother had affairs and he doesn't trust or respect women? It really doesn't matter since he's not willing to seek counseling to see how his past might affect the people he claims to love. He won't ever be in the marriage for your dreams, feelings, wants or needs - in fact, I'm guessing his ideal partner is someone he can keep under his thumb, which means someone he can make feel like a lesser person than himself (and with low self-esteem, he already doesn't feel great about himself).

How much does he drink? I think the latest buzz is a drink a day MAY be beneficial, but more than that does more harm than good. Sounds like maybe he saw some Fox News special on it and is abusing the idea.

Another good indicator is what your close friends think of him. But no matter what others say, you'll make your decision basd on what you can handle (I often think people stay in bad situations because their past dictates that they can handle that situation better than a healthy one). Work on yourself, your needs, and keep some emergency funds somewhere without his knowledge. And go listen to Martina McBride's song Broken Wing.

Take care of yourself... you deserve it.

MlleOdile
02-22-2006, 10:16 PM
now that I have seen some of your follow-up answers, I have to agree with Susie Sunshine... you should run like the wind...

You should do so carefully, I suspect that he could be potentially dangerous... see a lawyer first... make sure that you're protected as much as possible.

Then get yourself into counseling... figure out why you didn't see the warning signs in such an obviously bad relationship...

Take care of yourself...

fitgal2
02-22-2006, 10:49 PM
First of all, RUN!!!!

Second of all, I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, not even living together and he has NO PROBLEM giving me money or paying for things that I want/need but don't have the means to buy...he NEVER has asked me to pay him back.
We are not even married and he already acts like he is my husband.

Your "husband" ( if he can be called that) is trying to control you, plus if you have not signed a pre-nup then leagally anything you purchase AFTER the weddding is half yours...at least where I come from.

I say get out!

sunnybun
02-23-2006, 12:03 AM
Pardon my language, but this guy sounds like a big, fat, loser. Now I don't mean to be harsh, but I have to say that I agree with just about everyone else's advice. You need to stand up to this guy, and tell him how you truly feel. The nerve of some people, marriage is supposed to be something sacred, about mutual love and respect. I don't know where these men get off thinking that because they're the primary breadwinner, they have the ability to control their wife and children. That's just so archaic. I can't grasp that he doesn't even seem willing to listen to reason. He's just a complete buffoon.

You seem like a pretty reasonable and caring person, and it's such a shame that you ended up with someone like this. Really, it's a damn shame that people like this exist in the world today. You are deserving of so much more, and I hope you come to realize that soon, because this guy seems like he's wasted too much of your time already. Get out! Don't let all of your wonderful qualities go to waste on a jerk like this. Contact a lawyer soon. Living alone and being single can be rough, but it's a **** of a lot better than dealing with a spouse who's an unappreciative, lying, son of a gun!

busker
02-23-2006, 12:35 AM
I've been there. :( Yes, we didn't have kids, so I pulled out. He was always holding his pristine credit over my head, along with the title to the house, cars, etc. that I "couldn't" have a part in, because of my credit past. $200 is dirt cheap for rent anywhere though... I'm currently paying half of $1910 in Massachusetts... (granted, it's a nice apartment, and it's Massachusetts, but my boyfriend never asks me to pay my half - I just do it for my own pride).

One solution might be to figure out what you both make, and you each pay a percentage of what you can.

i.e. total household monthly expenses (regardless of whose it is) = $1000.
You make $600 a month after taxes, he makes $800 a month after taxes. So you're responsible for 43% of the expenses ($428.57) and he's responsible for 57% of the expenses ($571.43)

That was the solution my dad offered up... it worked for a while, until a cutting remark when I hit a deer with his truck. "You did WHAT to my truck? Do you know how much it's going to cost to have that repaired? Couldn't you have just died or something? Then we'd get enough to fix it." I pretty much checked out of the relationship then and there. It's not like we were hot 'n heavy lovers anyway... more plutonic friends that were pushed together by his parents.

My current honey is such an improvement, I can't even begin to compare. He's just so loving and supportive in every way. I'm very lucky to have found him, although it bugs me that I'm now deathly afraid of the "M" word after the last one didn't work out... :( But he understands that, too, so there's no pressure, and that's why I love him. :) But I'd have never found him if I was still fighting over bills and crap with someone who didn't love me any more than a little sister to fight with and pick on occasionally.

If the money issue is the only one, maybe you should seek some therapy or a budgetting/mediator of some sort to offer up a solution that neither of you has a say about. It's never about one person - you'll both have to compromise.

--Janis

healthyme05
02-23-2006, 02:00 AM
If you won the lottery would you stay with your husband?

If the answer is "no" you need to get out.

If the answer is "yes" you should explore ways to make the relationship work, if possible --counseling. Even though he has refused you should still seek help, imo, to gain insight into the situation.

Another question to ask...

If you had 6 months to live...would you want to spend that time with your husband?

An acquaintance of mine said her asked herself this questiong when she was considering separating from her husband.

pumpingiron
02-23-2006, 09:38 AM
Originally Posted by telemetrynurse

If you won the lottery would you stay with your husband?

If the answer is "no" you need to get out.

If the answer is "yes" you should explore ways to make the relationship work, if possible --counseling. Even though he has refused you should still seek help, imo, to gain insight into the situation.


Just because you love someone, does not mean you should stay!!!!
There are a lot of women who feel they love the men that abuse them and end up staying. Many times they end up hurt or worse. This man is not good for you and the relationship is very unhealthy. You cannot change this type of behavior! (Maybe in some rare instances for the men who actually WANT to change) Please take care of yourself and follow the financial advice posted by the other women here. My credit got destroyed in my divorce because he thought I was lucky to leave "with the clothes on my back".

Margarita
02-23-2006, 10:20 AM
The only "problem" I've had with that is him calling me dumb a$$ and remarking on my weight at times (he accused me of breaking the toilet because I "sit on it too hard"?). I don't know if that's emotional abuse or me being overly sensitive again. We have had a problem with his drinking, but he says he just does it to flush out his kidneys.
You're not being sensitive. That's definitely verbal abuse. And he can't help his kidneys by damaging his liver, so that's hogwash. He's an alcoholic. It is very typical of alcoholics to be in denial about their drinking, and to blame other people for their problems (hence, his trying to make you responsible for his spending).

I agree with everyone who said not to get a joint account with him. In fact, you should be putting money aside regularly in your own account in case you need to leave. You should also seriously consider attending Al-Anon. They can give you the support and insight you need to make an intelligent decision about your marriage.

almostheaven
02-23-2006, 01:10 PM
I'd have to say that yes, your marriage IS screwed. Because he's a control freak and has already made it clear that he has no interest in working on the marriage or going to counseling. You can't salvage a marriage with only one party interested in salvaging it. I see your location is AK. The problem is that AK is a common law property state. However, even common law states often recognize what goes on "during" the marriage. Since he owned the house pre-marriage, you wouldn't have any claim to it in AK, but you may have legal claim to any portion you pay into it during the marriage. If you've given him any money from the sell of your trailer, you may also be entitled to get that back from him. But the bad news for him, if he buys a house while you're married, putting it in his dad's name won't help him. Half of it will legally be yours and he'll be required to either buy you out of the equity, if the court even orders that he's the one allowed to remain in it.

I'd say you have two choices, because I don't believe there's any hope of fixing a marriage in which one party doesn't think it needs fixed. And this one DEFINATELY needs fixed.

1. You can stick it out til he's invested in the marriage long enough that the court is going to divide things up.

2. You can get out now and cut your losses.

Option 1 carries problems with it. If he's this controlling now, how much worse can it get? You have no guarantee of getting anything from this, even if the court orders it. People have ways of hiding money. You may be faced with a longer, more drawn-out, more expensive legal battle and neither of you will have anything left when it's over.

Can't say that I'm any type of expert on it, but being owed child support for many many years, I've spent the last 10 years (since I got net access) frequenting child support boards. These boards are of course located at divorce sites. So I've spent 10 years around divorce issues. And I've spent 19 trying to collect CS from a man who sounds just like your husband. Those guys do not change.

CurvyChick
02-23-2006, 01:39 PM
"200 is rent" where do you live i want to move there.... rent here in Miami is over 1 thousand a month.....

kitkatbahr
02-23-2006, 02:45 PM
Get out NOW, while you can. And, whatever you do, DO NOT GET PREGNANT at this time. This man is a control freak, as others have said. He doesn't respect you at all. And, he IS verbally abusing you.

I can speak from experience, as can many others. My first marriage lasted 17 years!! I was married young, at 21, he was 23. From the first year, there were problems. I was always a 2nd class citizen, but was young and naive at the time and hoped things would get better. As the years went on, things just got worse. 8 years, yes, 8 years into the marriage, we decided having a kid was a great idea and would make things better. NOT!! I love my son dearly and am very glad I have him, but it was NOT a solution. At that point, I became a stay home mom and raised him. We also started a business, which I did the majority of (typesetting and later developed a magazine that grew to 48 pages a month. I did all the ad design, layout, lots of article writing, website design and upkeep, etc.) I was not paid for this work. This was my contribution to the marriage, but it turned into almost a full-time job. I was also homeschooling our son at that point. And, trying to keep up the house, cook, etc. for a man who would constantly criticize how I did things. I couldn't even load the dishwasher right. Now, by this time, we had built a house together, the business and had a young son. My husband controlled everything. He had the checkbooks, both personal and business, he paid the bills, told me how much to spend on groceries, etc. I had to ask for any money that I needed and account for anything I spent. Remember, I wasn't making any money and had no income from our profitable business. HE could buy anything he wanted, go out and have lunch every day, etc. By this time, he was working only the business as he had quit his other job several years before to work during the day selling ads. If he sold one ad in a day, he thought he did good. But, yet, he was gone ALL day and into the evening while I was home doing everything. We even had lawn service so he wouldn't have to mow the yard. He bartered an ad for it. Now, son was in activities. Lots of activities. I did have a car, but he would check the mileage on it to make sure I hadn't driven farther than I should have. He would give me $5.00 for gas for the week!! And my son had activities 4-5 times a week which I took him to. No, it wasn't enough, so I started selling Avon. I had to do something for some money, cause I got tired of asking him for any. I made enough to put a bit extra gas in my car, and also buy presents for my family at Christmas, cause there wasn't any money coming from him. I did that for 2 years, along with everything else. By this time, I was getting pretty darn burnt out. Also, very fat, unhappy and unhealthy. Once I went to the bank and took $10.00 out of the savings acct. so as not to mess up the check book. I would have told him when he got home, but he called me later that day and asked why I needed the money. Believe it or not, one of the spies at the bank (he was pretty friendly with all of them) called him or saw him at the bank later and told him I took money out of the acct even though I was on it too! Total control freak. Near the end, it got to where he would even go do the grocery shopping, or go with me and make sure I spent what I said I did and didn't pocket any money.

This all took place over a period of YEARS. Oh, also I had a pager and cell phone so he could keep track of me, believe it or not. Why did I put up with it? Cause we went to counseling and tried to make things work, for our son. 6 years after the first year of counseling, we went again. Actually, I went alone, then he decided he better come too to make sure I was "under control". Uggh. After another year of that crap, even the counselor said I should leave him. Same counselor we had seen 6 years before. Also, the same counselor who actually told me, before, that I shouldn't make any plans to leave or divorce until my son was 18 and out of the house. He was 7 at that time. Before he turned 8, we were gone. The end came pretty quick. I got tired of being controlled so I started fighting back. There were lots of screaming matches, he would throw stuff at me, etc. When he raised his fist to hit me one day, that was the last straw. I moved out with my son and went to live with my sister. I took my old car, me and my son and a few clothes. Everything else was left behind. In the divorce, I gave him the house but he had to refinance and get my name off it, two other cars and the business, as well as most of the household possessions. I only wanted some personal stuff my parents had given me. I was done and wanted out. To do it all over again, I would do things much differently. He took forever to sign the papers. Another control thing. I had a lawyer though and it finally went through. Finally. But, he harassed me daily during that time. To the point I was going to get a restraining order on him. I had to threaten him with that many times, and I finally had to have it put in our papers that he would leave me alone. We finally divorced through the courts on Feb. 7 3 years ago. We were separated for over a year and a half before things went through.

During that time, I met a wonderful man. He and I have been married now for 3 years in July. Yes, it was quick. I met him in June of 2002, we moved in together in October of 2002, married in July of 2003. When I met him, my car was pretty much a piece of you know what by that time and not very safe. He had just bought a really nice little truck, which he GAVE to me in September of 2002, a month before I moved in with him. It had air bags, etc. and was much safer than my car, which he proceeded to drive, cause he didn't have far to drive back and forth to work. He loved me and my son enough to make sure we were safe. Also, during this time, I had been working full-time, but hurt my back. I had just moved into a little tiny garage apartment, from my sister's house, before I moved in with him. I had a 6 month lease. Once I had to quit my job, he paid all my bills until I moved in with him, and he continued paying the apartment lease until the lease was up. When I moved in, we talked about me working, etc. once my back was better. He said it was up to me. At this time, we had alrady made plans to get married. I chose to stay home, to take my son back and forth to school, etc. He prefers me staying home. I do all the household chores, etc. unless I need him to help and he gladly pitches in. He works fulltime, was going to college, although at this point, classes have ended for now, takes care of the yard, outside work, etc. maintains the cars, etc. does side jobs fixing computers, all kinds of stuff. Walks both the very large dogs we have, when he's home.

He is a wonderful man. My son loves him. He's a great step dad. I can have, do or buy whatever I want and don't have to ask first. I handle all the household monies. His check is direct deposited into a joint acct. and then I transfer it to another joint acct. to pay bills out of. He's primary on one, me on the other. I give him money every other Friday as spending money. He trusts me to handle everything. I don't pay rent, utilities, or anything like that out of my pocket. Right now, I have no income, but I do have access to his money, which he says is our money. He doesn't go behind me and check the accts, check book or anything like that. He doesn't really care except to make sure he's making enough money to maintain what we need. We live in a manufactured home that was his grandmothers who died. We don't have alot of expensive stuff, but what we do have is nice. I shop thrift stores for stuff when I can, and clearance racks. I make good money decisions. There is always food on the table and a roof over our heads. The bills are mostly paid on time. This is all up to me. That's my contribution to the family. My son, who is 12, doesn't really "need" me to be here when he gets home from school. I could work part-time, or even full-time and it's ok with my husband, either way. He loves me and wants me to be able to do what I want, when I want. Everything is "ours". Amazing, since it wasn't this way with his first wife of 12 years, who ran them into financial ruin. They had three kids and he is still paying child support, LOTS of child support for them. We live on almost less than what we give her, but we make it work. Yes, I could work, but we are happy the way things are currently. I love being able to stay home, raise our puppy, take care of my cats (I do cat rescue) be here for his parents who are older (they live next door), run back and forth to do errands during the day, go exercise at Curves during the day, or the gym. We do Tae Kwon Do at night, as a family, several nights a week. I get to do whatever I want during the day. It's wonderful. I can do laundry, cook, grocery shop, go to thrift stores, etc. when I feel like it, and still be here every afternoon and evening for my family. I have a GREAT life and I know it. And, I appreciate it. He treats me with respect, he loves me, he takes wonderful care of us and tells me all the time how gorgeous and sexy I am. What more can I ask for?

I went from a bad relationship to a fantastic one. I can really, really see the difference. Don't stay in the relationship you are in. It's not worth it.

Kathy

northernbelle
02-23-2006, 06:51 PM
Get out of this. Over-control is the first step in abuse.

happydaisy
02-23-2006, 08:27 PM
fitgal2 - This is totally off-topic, but I love your photos, and your writing. You are very talented!

kaplods
02-24-2006, 09:58 AM
When I read your first post, I didn't automatically assume your husband was being abusive or complletely unreasonable (insensitive and stubborn, and sterotypically macho, surely). Even some negative comments don't necessarily make him abusive (none of us are immune from saying hurtful things to loved ones sometimes, especially when we're feeling angry or frustrated or feeling attacked ourselves).

It is hard to say from the little information given which of you is being "more" unreasonable, but it seems to me that both of you are. If both of you are working, it doesn't seem fair that your husband pay all of the expenses and you use or save all of "your" money only for yourself. It also is unreasonable for your husband to have the house in his dad's name to protect it from you (but if he is paying all the bills, I can see why he would be concerned that he could lose it - though why he is already considering divorce a possible future for you is also troubling). It doesn't sound like either of you are truly committed to your marriage or your life together, or you would be more willing to contribute to family expenses, and he wouldn't already be preparing for divorce.

I agree that how you will deal with money should be negotiated before marriage, but no matter what you did or didn't agree to before the marriage, the marriage "rules" including finances have to be discussed and negotiated throughout the marriage. You both need to learn to compromise and be comfortable creating one life from two, before this will work. I don't see this working out without counseling/mentoring of some sort. Many men resist counseling, especially if they feel they have a way out, but if it comes to counseling or ending the marriage, many are willing to at least give it a try (most are afraid that if the wife suggests it, she already knows the counselor is going to take her side). If your husband would be more comfortable talking to a male counselor or a minister, it might be a place to start. Many churches also have marriage seminars run by older married couples that can help a great deal. My in-laws participate in weekend marriage retreats and they share their own experiences and all sorts of topics relevant to making marriages work.

My husband and I have been through so much, and the rules keep changing for us. Neither of us bargained for what we have had to face. His job loss, with me supporting us for eight months. A move to another state so he could get work, and I could quit work due to disability. A year with only his income. My getting disability. His illnesses/injuries which could result in his becoming disabled. In some ways it's a miracle our marriage is as strong as it is, but both of us are above all flexible, and willing to renegotiate and revise our expectations for our life. It's really hard work, but with both of us working together for common goals, it has been amazing.

Good Luck

Colleen

nicnacmd7
02-24-2006, 11:56 AM
4myself......in the words of Dr phil." how is that working for ya?'...and "what were you thinking?"..................he would tell you to get a life, get the **** out and think more of yourself as a person!
Girl you deserve way more then this, this is mot a partnership, this is a controlled situation and no-one deserves to be controlled. Love is never haveing to say sorry, and if you continue in this relationship you will spend the rest of your life appologizing, Hold your head high and know their is someone out there, that will see you as an equal, love you for you, and treat you like a women not a child!

Tazzieone
02-25-2006, 02:17 PM
he doesnt want a wife he wants a room mate and then probably the freedom (and money) to do as he pleases...GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN and find someone that truly loves and cherishes you!

Misti in Seattle
02-25-2006, 05:11 PM
First, let me say that I am 100% supportive of the idea of sanctity of the marriage vows and the need to work out marital issues. However, NO ONE should stay in an abusive situation and, if you have accurately described your situation (which I assume you have) GET OUT NOW before this man turns violent. Sounds as if you are not safe... AND he is making excuses for his drinking. Help is out there... get out and get help!

Dance

EZMONEY
02-25-2006, 08:01 PM
Sounds like a marraige that never should have happened to me. Have you tried going to a Christian church and re-focus as to why you are together in the first place?

Misti in Seattle
02-25-2006, 08:09 PM
Sounds like a marraige that never should have happened to me. Have you tried going to a Christian church and re-focus as to why you are together in the first place?

Excellent idea! Wish I had said it!!! :^:

Dance

SherryA
02-25-2006, 11:51 PM
Wow. I hate to be the only disenting voice here, but 200 dollars doesn't sound like much to me at all. Do you watch TV? Maybe you didn't want or ask for direct TV, but do you benefit from it? Do you live in the house? If you didn't live there and lived somewhere else, wouldn't you have to pay rent? Yes he has to pay it anyway, but if he rented out a room or had a roommate, I'm sure they would contribute something toward the rent.

The water you use, the electricity, ok maybe not the phone if you honestly don't use it, but the other things sound reasonable to me. I can't picture ANY place where you can live for under 200 a month. It sounds to me like you are both being childish and unreasonable.

It also sounds like you need to either create a marriage where you act as partners to one another, or you need to end it and grow up and live on your own paying your own way. I can't see you being able to do that for under 200 a month though, so if you think you can, go for it.

Misti in Seattle
02-26-2006, 12:41 AM
I don't think the AMOUNT of the rent or the utilities, etc., is the POINT here. At least sure not in my opinion.

Dance

jules1216
02-26-2006, 11:15 AM
I say...
#1-get some counseling for yourself it's the best thing that I did for myself living with a controlling man. I always had low self esteem and am very co-dependent. My Dad was an alcoholic with a very sharp tongue. He and my Mom divorced when I was 3 so thankfully he didn't live in the same house but that didn't mean that I escaped the hurt. I dated several "nice" guys but never felt that I was "worthy". I now stand my ground and the "control-freak" is manageable without me having to be a doormat.
#2- If you don't have a job to give you some income--get one--the support you get from coworkers will help your self esteem and being out of the house will do wonders for you
#3- Keep a separate bank account and tuck a little each paycheck away in savings so that you can enable yourself the option of leaving--if it gets worse leave and contact CASA or another women's shelter group--they will help you find housing and get you out of an abusive situation
#4- Sit down with your hubby and come up with a budget based on the household expenses versus each of your income. I was a stay at home mom until the kids went to school so hubby paid all joint expenses, then I went to work part-time and took over the phone bill and electric and he paid mortgage & groceries. Then he was laid off and I got promoted and began working full time and it switched. When he went back to work he paid mortgage and I paid for groceries, electric and phone (and I added cable). It works for us. A marriage is a partnership even with a control freak husband.
#5- do NOT bring kids into this relationship unless it can be fixed
and finally
#6--if he EVER becomes physically abusive leave & press charges.

If you get the counseling, you may realize that you do not deserve to be emotionally & verbally abused and that he may never change. Picture your life in five years--do you want to be where you are today with that much more baggage from the abuses?

hoodj0080
02-27-2006, 10:54 PM
You are NOT being selfish. No one deserves to be treated like an idiot, which is what he's doing. If you don't have kids, get out! stay with family or a friend. I know I'm young (24), but I do know that every woman deserves a man who worships the ground she walks on. I was with a guy for 4 years who NEVER ONCE referred to me as his girlfriend. He "wanted to keep his options open" and I was such a doormat I put up with it (he was the fist guy I ever dated). I finally grew some ovaries (like balls, but for girls) and dumped his cheatin' ***. I found the sweetest man in the world who would walk on broken glass for me if I told him too. Before I found him though i had to be comfy being by myself. I had to realize that it's okay to be by yourself. Being by yourself doesn't mean you're alone--that;s why you have friends and family!

2CMEAGAIN
02-28-2006, 03:30 AM
Hon~you're in an abusive relationship!!!!:( You guys need counciling!!!:hug: He sounds like a real a$$!!!!:mad: Why are you married again???:?: I'd sit down an evaluate your situation!!!!! I wish you the best!:hug:

ladylane06
02-28-2006, 04:26 AM
Hmmm... I've read through your "entire" thread and I've seen all the advice given and I'm just going to address the financial aspect because that is the root of your issues in your "initial post".

Honestly, I can understand his point of view as far as you contributing to the household. Did you go into the marriage thinking he was going to take care of you... was that the agreement? Ok,he told you that you did not have to worry about paying any of the bills because of your expenses relating to the trailer, I think it was implied that once the trailer sold you would contribute... not only was it implied YOU told him you would help out once you paid off or sold your trailer... so it's not unreasonable at all for him to expect that. Heck, if you went into it thinking you were going to live for free, then I'd say you were getting a pretty good deal! I WISH I could live on $200 a month. I have to agree with SherryA in that you would be hard pressed to find a place to live the that amount. Now granted I don't agree with any type of abuse... verbal or otherwise should not be tolerated.

He is not being unreasonable to expect you to help out... you're his wife, you're in a mariage, you should WANT to contribute, not because it would save him money but because he's not asking much, and I bet that if you did so, it would put an end to his griping. I could imagine he may have said the bit about putting a new house in he and his dad's name because you have not demonstrated you are willing to share and in the event things don't work out, why should he find himself homeless, especially if he's the one paying ALL the bills. I can see his frustration.

I was in a marriage for 13 years and for the most part it was good. Then things took a turn and I found myself paying ALL the bills. It got tired real fast. He was an adult working at a job for 20 years and slowly he stopped contributing to the household and it put a real strain on the marriage. After we separated I learned he had a substance abuse problem,, which explained alot.

The point is, when you are in a marriage, both parties should be willing to contribute without being asked, it's just the right thing to do... you have to work together. No one lives for free... especially in this day and age... marriage is a partnership. Also I have to add this... you moving in with him and having to commute back it forth... well, that was on you. If the love was there, you could have waited until your home sold to move seeing as you still had to pay the expenses for it!

Both of you sound a bit selfish... you more so then him... and him in reaction to you not doing what you said you would,do, and that is to help out.

You did ask for blunt, honest advice.
:goodluck:

impossible princess
02-28-2006, 02:49 PM
Are you from the US or UK? How long have you been married?

Basically it depends on what you want IMO if you are paying bills (not just utility) towards the upkeep of the house you are acquiring a share in the equity of the home so if he wants you not to then you shouldn't be paying. But general bills gas and elec etc I think he definitely has a point. The contracts hes entered into without your consent should be down to him though. Can't you have a joint account just for utility bills and pay money into that and keep the rest of your earnings for you?

Also have you considered speaking to a lawyer just to find out where you stand in relation to the house - don't have a clue about US law.

4myloves
02-28-2006, 04:06 PM
After LOTS of thinking and conversation:

I decided that I WILL help pay the bills, because I DO live there and I am his wife.

BUT!!!

Rather than just "giving" him $200 each month to do with as he pleases, I am going to pay the house payment, which is $212/month (plus any extra--to be applied directly to principal--if he feels I owe more that month).

My first experience with doing this resulted in the following conversation (which I found very funny):

Him: I really think you should be paying your share of the bills, and your share is $200.
Me: OK, that's fine. I paid the trailer payment yesterday (I did so w/o telling him what I was planning--you'll see why).
Him: You did what?
Me: I got the bill, wrote a check and paid it.
Him: Why didn't you give me the money so I could write a check?
Me: It was easier just to pay it.
Him: What are they going to think when they get your check for my bill.
Me: They're not going to think anything as long as the bill is getting paid. They probably don't even look that closely at the checks.
Him: Well, you should've given me the money and let me write the check. I'm the man of the house.

:carrot: :carrot: :carrot:

I don't know--something about that whole conversation struck me as sooooo funny.

But, thanks for all the advice--I DID take everything into great consideration. Bottom line was I just felt like I needed to pay. If I moved back in with my parents at this point I would feel obligated to pay, so why not with my husband? It was just a mental issue I had to work through--I've been living alone for so long it's hard to get used to "sharing."

THANKS

Cheryl

impossible princess
02-28-2006, 04:32 PM
Seriously though look after yourself make sure you know where you stand with home ownership and the like can you get anywhere that gives free legal advice or anything.

You never know whats going to happen in the future. Hopefully you've got a marriage for keeps but you want to be in a good position just incase you haven't.

mistertripps
02-28-2006, 04:55 PM
This is not a marriage - it is a business relationship. A funny little thing happens when two people get married. They become one. Everything that was yours is now his and everything that was his is now yours. You jointly own everything unless you signed some type of pre-nup that states otherwise. Therefore, you have to make joint decisions on where your money goes. You don't pay your "part" - you don't have a "part". If that is the way he insists on living, you need to end it and get out.

My advice - go to DaveRamsey.com and learn about money and relationships. If you guys can't learn to handle money together, your marriage (or business relationship) is screwed....

hoodj0080
02-28-2006, 10:05 PM
Good for you! Just make sure that you pay for any bills with a check--that way you have legal proof you're contributing. Don't take his crap when he says, "but cash is easier." If you guys ever divorce, you'll need proof taht you helped pay bills!

blues4miles
02-28-2006, 11:40 PM
Sounds like this is already solved...and I think you made the right decision to pay the bills, I was ready to chime in on that one. However, I don't think he should have *expected* you to pay them. Especially to pay on a house that he owns not you (not to mention $200 a month is a LOW LOW LOW house payment so he should just deal with it). You should talk to him about putting your name on it. Maybe if he has paid off half or less than half you can agree to put your name on it and pay the bill from now on, so it will be like you are paying your half of it. I do think when you get married everything becomes one, but he sounds like kind of a jerk to pressure you, in denial about his alcoholism, and an a$$ for making ANY comment about your weight. Maybe you both had unrealistic expectations...but before you go wasting any more money on him REALLY THINK about whether you love each other.

SmartButt
03-01-2006, 12:50 AM
I can't imagine paying a house payment for someone with a drinking problem that stays up late watching questionable television, who tells me not only am I a "dumbass" but that I'm so fat I broke the toilet, who refuses to get marriage counseling, won't get a joint checking account OR ever put my name on the deed of a house, and then tells me he's the "man" of the house.

This whole thread inspires me to run into the next room and thank my s.o. for who he is and continues to be... a man who has never treated me with anything but the utmost respect.

Come on ladies, don't we deserve more than that treatment?

happydaisy
03-01-2006, 01:05 AM
Thank you Smartbutt! I don't care if she's giving him 200 or 1000 dollars, she isn't being treated well and I hope that gets resolved more than any of the other issues being resolved. Yes, she should contribute, but she should also be treated well.

Lafayette
03-04-2006, 08:06 AM
Blunt, huh? Hire the meanest son of a ***** lawyer you can find and get alimony. The situation you are explaining is ridiculous at best and it certainly sounds like emotional abuse. Make sure you know where all the money is, honey, and make sure you get at least half. I'm sure there's an ******* tax in your state.

I don't believe in staying for the kids, either. You'll teach your kids to either treat people like **** or be treated like **** themselves by your example.

"Flushing out his liver"? Please. That's great. How wonderful to discover that I'm not overeating, I'm exercising my digestive system!

You are worth the best and you will feel great once you reach out and grab it. I'm not saying it's easy but the situation you are in will just escalate and I think you're already seeing it.

I wish you the best of luck! My first reaction involved a baseball bat and his jaw...

By the way, your paying the mortgage with your check did two things: it controlled where the money went and it proved YOU paid it. Keep documenting everything you give him money for. Pay by check ONLY and USE THE MEMO line. Your future attorney will thank me.

buckaroo
03-09-2006, 06:44 PM
:hug: hello ;
i have read your post and i do feel so sorry for you... honey, he is wrong. sure i think you should help with the bills. but sounds like he is making the rules as he goes. he has changed so many things as far as you are responsible for. and to tell you not to use the phone . oh no, he could not even think of telling me that. you can get your own cell phone. but i would not pay his. he has put the house in his and his daddy,s name. where does that leave you..... it does not sound like this will ever work. i wished you had not sold your trailer. but if worst comes to worst, let him go. he is going to keep you broke. honey, you can do bad by yourself. and as far as the bills go, i would have to see them. don't get a joint checking account. he would give me a reciept for every bill i helped him pay. i hope and pray you will be alright. we are all with you. hope to hear from you again and let us know how things are.....

plb@m
03-09-2006, 09:54 PM
Him: What are they going to think when they get your check for my bill.

You should of told him they are gong to think you have a wife that is making the payment.
Make sure you keep paying it like that because it sounds like he don't want your name any were on it. And if he don't like it tell him you'll stay there and not pay anything ,your his wife he can't kick you out of the house you live in as man(?) and wife.
Take care of your self and let us know how things are going.

ThisGirlsLosing
03-09-2006, 11:52 PM
Oh girl, GET OUT NOW.

My father is an alcoholic. My mother his co-dependent. He started out trying to "teach" her things or making a "little comment" here and there about her weight "for her own good." He ended up belittling her, verbally and emotionally abusing her DAILY for 40 years, to date.

At first she stayed in the marriage "because of the children." By the time the youngest was old enough to leave the house my mother's self-esteem was so shot she is incapable of making a single decision without asking him for permission. I am not kidding you. Mom turned 63 yesterday and she still asks my father for permission to buy herself a pair of shoes with the money SHE worked her entire life to earn.

If you and that "man" who poses as your husband are having sexual relations, you may get pregnant. If that happens, you are surely screwed. And, so is your child. If you cannot make yourself leave for your own good, leave for the sake of the children you have yet to have.

I am 36 and I'm still learning how to have a healthy relationship with MYself and with the people with whom I get romantically involved. Had I had better role-models and a healthier home life growing up I wouldn't be struggling TODAY with an eating disorder and serious issues of co-dependency.

After many years and thousands of dollars worth of therapy, I am very much beyond blaming my parents for the choices I make today and the choices I've made as an adult. Still, the reality of my upbringing DOES make my life more difficult.

I wish for you a life better than my mother's and for your kids, one better than mine. If you cannot leave right now, get your *** in therapy - even if you have to hide it from him. Keep working on your weight, keep eating healthy, keep getting your body stronger. Each step you take towards a healthier, stronger you is a step toward a healthier marriage with the right person.

And please, please, please, make sure you've got the birth control covered. You don't want to get trapped in this situation. It's NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

ladybugfun
03-10-2006, 12:33 AM
Ok, first red flag I see is the drinking, I'm not sure but I don't think beer is the best choice for flushing out your kidenys.
I agree that you should help with the bills. But only half if that, I am very old fashion in that I think the guy should take care of his wife, But now we live in a new time. But still he should be a little more kind about it. It sounds to me like at first he was all into the marrage and than when you moved in he is having second thoughts, Maybe a girlfriend, I only say that beause the same kinda thing happened to me and he had a girlfriend. (sorry) anyway he is having second thoughts and is trying to tick you off so you will leave. And the drinking may have a big part in it! My DH now use drink and when he was drinking and feeling guilty for something he did he would come home and pick fights with me. It was hard, he is clean now. All I can say is it dont look good, I am so sorry. I would not open joint checking and I would open a seperate accout for yourself in case you need to get out of there. I wish you the best of luck!!

Edit: I was so mad at reading your post that I responded w/out reading all the replys. I still stand by what I wrote up there but I do feel that you were being a little selfish about the money. A marrage is a partenership and that goes for the bills too. BUT he still seems controling to me. Why would he be so worried about you paying the house payment instead of giving it to him.So be carefull. He my still have a drinking problem.

Burgie
03-10-2006, 03:09 PM
Wow, that reads like a white trash novel.

Cut your losses and move on.

Check out some of Dave Ramsey's materials on money management to clean up your financial mess and learn some valuable tools.

2LosinIt
03-13-2006, 10:39 PM
Of course wives and husbands should share expenses. Of course both should contribute. But both should be involved in making the decisions about what that means, too. Both should have decision making roles in how it is spent.
This man is not going to go to counseling--and I can't see it ashelping even if he did. A Christian church--or any other kind of church--is not going to change what he is doing, what he has learned is appropriate and what he expects. And, frankly, while your decision was probably a great way to show contribution and sharing in expenses, I'd put out there that after a couple of months, that won't make a difference either. He wantss a person to share expenses, not a wife or partner. Look at how he puts things "pay me 200.00 to live here"??? that's not "share expenses with me" that's "you owe me for allowing you to be in my presence".
If you stay, do keep paying it yourself, not giving him cash to do it--I agree, you need proof that you are indeed contributing. But, frankly, walking on eggshells, and feeling bad about yourself because he kees putting you down is not worth it. You lived 250 miles away from him before ---- you can do it again....and probably be better off for it. Be safe...be strong...stand up for yourself. You're worth it.

jcogs
03-14-2006, 06:47 PM
I just read this and was happy to hear i'm not alone in all of this. I live with my boyfriend, we've been together for 4 yrs, I lost my job in Jan, it was just a little get by job at a gas station, and was able to get unemployment, which thank goodness because of my previous job as a nurse, is more than what I was actually making at the job I lost in Jan. I also decided to apply for foodstamps, I figured what the heck, i've worked and paid taxes for the past 25 yrs why not do this for right now and take a break, I get 399.00 a month in food assistance and 700.00 a month in unemployment. Don't get me wrong, I do not for an instance think I should live here free, BUT, I put all the food in this house and pay for my truck, which is the ONLY vehicle here so it's his also, I pay the water and utility bill also. So basically I'm paying just as much as he is when you factor in food and the truck. Here's the funny part, he thinks just because i'm home all day that i'm obligated to do his laundry and clean the house...I have NO problem doing this but since he was such a jerk about it all I told him that I wasn't his maid and that I paid 1/2 the bills here just as he did and he could do his own crap....the other thing is EVERYTHING I cook he complains about it...just little comments like "it's not done enough" he actually likes his meat almost burnt...I don't burn food!! lol I try,,,,but no matter how I cook it,,,it's not right...just like last night...I cooked steak, corn on the cob, rolls along with a salad, the first thing he said was "this steak is to thick I like my meat thinner" it's a no win situation...he's killing me! Someone please tell me i'm over reacting...lol

Whew...I feel better already...lol
Jen

2BFIT1
03-16-2006, 10:31 AM
Jen~~Maybe he's ticked off because he has to go to work everyday to earn his money and you get to "stay home all day" and your money is given to you.
Don't get me wrong, I think that unemployment and welfare are wonderful options for those who need a helping hand to back on their feet. It's not to be used to "take a break" ,just because you have worked for 25 years and paid into the system.
If you have a nursing license, why are you not applying for a job in that field? There is a huge market and need for nurses right now.

Like I said, maybe he has underlying resentments that are coming to surface in his comments.


4Myself~~ Take a look at your sign-on name. 4Myself . Is this the best partnership for "yourself"? I applaud you for paying the $200 in the manner that you did. I agree with others who said that $200 is a small amount to live off of. But I don't really believe that money is your main problem/issue in this relationship. Control and Respect come to mind.
Please, keep some of your money in a separate account for the future, just in case this doesn't work out in the long run. :goodluck: and keep us posted.

jcogs
03-16-2006, 11:14 AM
2BFIT1---I personally have never gotten unemployment or food assistance in my life until now, i've always worked and paid my own way...I have NO problem working for my money, when I lost my gas station job the employment office actually referred me to both, unemployment and food assistance, had no idea I would qualify for either. As for my nursing license, that is in another state and to transfer it here would cost me several hundred dollars in refresher classes, unfortunately I do not have that at the moment. I pay my part of the bills around here and then some, not once has he offered to pay and has gotten really upset when I mention it about the truck payment. My problem is I don't feel it's right for him to expect me to do his laundry and cook the way he wants it, when i'm paying my way here just as he is. My comment "taking a break" was the wrong way for me to say it, this time is giving me to chance to get the classes I need for my license and get the job i'm qualified for. I'm not taking a break and sitting on my butt all day, I do look for work everyday, and I do clean and cook everyday.

I hope that explains my situation better.
Jen

2BFIT1
03-16-2006, 02:08 PM
Jen~~I'm sorry to have jumped on ya like that :hug: I really do have better manners than that, I promise. I know that everybody has their own situation and set of circumstances. I guess, as an RN, it is difficult for me to understand why someone who has worked so hard for their license wouldn't use it. You explained that and I am sorry. I guess things have changed over the years. When I moved from Calif to Georgia 15 yrs ago, it didn't take much to get a license in GA.
Anyway, I'm sorry :hug:

ArmyWife06
03-22-2006, 03:17 PM
Hey,

I have never heard of a marriage going like that. I am 20 years old now and I got married when I was 17. My husband is military and I have never worked.... But on top of that I have never had him say you are going to get a job to help pay bills or anything! He goes strictly by whats mine is yours and whats yours is mine. I do not think that you have a healthy marriage. I would think about getting out! Money is the root of all evil!

Heather :hug:

nelie
03-22-2006, 04:05 PM
All I have to say is "Wow". I've read through this thread and I can't believe what I'm reading. He accused you of breaking the toilet? Someone who would say that to me would be eating my dust.

I think really sharing expenses is part of a marriage but it also depends on the amount of income. Do you buy the groceries? Do you clean the house? Start charging him for that stuff. That really isn't a marriage, its a roommate situation. He seems to treat you like a child rather than a wife. I'd seriously consider your own happiness and I think there is someone out there that could truly love you instead of treating you like he does.

Misti in Seattle
03-22-2006, 11:34 PM
Money is the root of all evil!

Actually that quote is from the Bible and what it says is that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil; not the money itself. :)

sierra_ttw
03-23-2006, 01:06 AM
I may not have a lot of experience, but I've had a few run-ins with people like this before. All i can say is that if any man spoke to me the way your husband speaks to you, or treated me that way, I'd let him stay in the house long enough to pack his bags (regardless of whose house it was) before I kicked his butt out the door... well, unless I just chucked all his stuff on the front lawn and changed the locks. Seriously, this sounds like an increadibly unhealthy relationship - anytime there's a power struggle like this in a relationship it needs to be addressed. Sometimes this can work through councelling, although I'm generally more of a "one strike and your out" kind of person, and sometimes it's addressed by one person (the controlled person) getting the heck out of there.
I do agree that I think expenses should be shared, but that's a personal thing I have about needing to pay my own way. That being said, he's not simply requesting that you kick in for the expenses. He's wanting control over your money. If he made a fuss over you paying something on your own, rather than giving him the money, there's a problem. Paying on your own is an independant thing - something beyond his control. Giving him the money effectively debilitates you - it takes away your means of supporting yourself, and it's one more way for him to control your life.
From what you've said in this post, your husband doesn't respect you, and for me respect is the basis of any strong and loving relationship. The idea of you staying in this relationship makes me nervous. If you really want to try to make it work, then give councelling a go (or even suggest it and see if he recognizes that there's a problem). But for your own mental and physical health, I would suggest that you provide yourself with a way out - keep your own bank account, literally have an "escape" plan (dramatic as it sounds, it's the only term I can think of for it) - make sure you have a copy of the car key, keep a seperate credit card he doesn't know about... just be careful. I really do hope this works out for you, whatever you choose to do. Please keep us updated.