100 lb. Club - 65 pounds lost -- why am I depressed NOW?

I feel like I've come to some new realization recently. Either a lightbulb or being hit over the head by a 2x4, pick your analogy.

My epiphany? At just about 300 pounds, I was really fat.

I've lost 65 pounds and am thrilled about that. :carrot: I feel better all the time, have more energy, and am loving the fact that I fit into smaller clothes. In so many ways my new lifestyle is going really well. I'm in a real groove both eating and exercise-wise. I have a sense of control I haven't had in years (which I do NOT take for granted!)

So, why am I getting depressed NOW about my weight?

Don't get me wrong. I was very depressed about it this summer before I started losing. When I couldn't fit into the new size 28 pants I'd bought. I wanted to crawl into a hole. But as I took control back of my life, I've been feeling great!

The thing is, I think I've started to realize just how out of control I had let things get. I looked at pictures taken of me this weekend, and on the one hand, I can see how far I've come, but on the other hand, I think: "Crap, how fat WAS I?"

I also went to the mall this weekend for the first time since last summer, and I'm now getting into size 20! YES! But I realized that I have lost 65 pounds and still am a LONG WAY from being able to buy clothing at almost any store in the mall (stupid retailers). I have lost 65 pounds and still anyone who meets me will code me as a "fat chick". Let's fact it, I have lost 65 pounds and am still nearly morbidly obese!

Denial is a powerful force, and I know from other recent threads here that other people have experienced it too. I mean, I knew I was fat. Obese even. But I think I was in denial about Just. How. Fat. I. Was. Or just what obese meant (I didn't realize I was squarely in the category morbidly obese until I was nearly out of it).

Does it make sense that I am only really coming to realize this now?

And don't worry, I am in no way going back to my old ways... I am loving being on this path. I just can't believe how in denial I was (and maybe still am??) about my weight and appearance.

It makes perfect sense to me. I've lost over 100 lbs. in total, and only recently am I getting to the point where I'm seriously depressed over how I was before. I've had a hard time with focusing too much on what I missed out on when I was bigger (and I've been big all my life). Plus, I'm having a big problem with stretch marks and flabby skin, so I keep kicking myself over my past actions instead of congratulating myself on what I've been able to do.

So, know that you're not alone. Unfortunately, I'm in the same boat, so I don't have many words of advice. I'm still determined to lose these last few pounds, but I'm having a hard time coming to the realization that I'll never be able to change the past and that I'm always going to have reminders (mentally and physically) of where I was.

You are not alone. I have felt, and feel, exactly the way you described.

I honestly believe that becoming as overweight as most of us have been requires a certain amount of denial. I've heard countless members of this forum say that at their highest weight, they stopped looking at themselves in the mirror, wouldn't allow people to take photos, etc. I remember a big light bulb moment for me was getting back a pack of pictures after a holiday. I stared at the photos, completely aghast... was that actually me? Could I POSSIBLY be that big? I looked at myself every day in the mirror, but I wasn't really seeing what was there.

The bad part is that once the light comes on, it stays on, and it sometimes shows us things we don't like to see. To be completely honest, sometimes I "feel" more overweight at 148 pounds than I did when I weighed 270. I know it makes no sense, but it's true. Sometimes the reminders of where I've been -- the stretch marks, the loose skin, the old photos -- are almost too much to take.

But here's the positive spin I put on it... we have to use this new-found clarity (even if it's sometimes distorted) to keep us from ever going back to that place. I know I feel better than I ever have -- I'm thrilled to call myself "fit" -- and I NEVER want to be obese again. I never want to be in that much denial about what I'm doing to my body and my health.

Just know that it makes total sense, at least to me. But please don't forget to celebrate your weight loss at every turn - you've done a fantastic job & we're proud of you!

Thanks, Erin and Jennifer. Just knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way helps! I KNOW I need to celebrate (and I do), but I think that's tinged with this sadness now, just as you describe. While it's kind of depressing to hear that this lightbulb may stay on for good, maybe that's exactly what I need. I never want to be HERE again (at 230), much less back at 300 pounds, and maybe this will help me maintain a sense of determination!

Maybe I need to be able to be ANGRY for what I did to myself... because as I think about it, maybe I am not depressed but furious at myself for what I did!

The thing is, I think I've started to realize just how out of control I had let things get. I looked at pictures taken of me this weekend, and on the one hand, I can see how far I've come, but on the other hand, I think: "Crap, how fat WAS I?"

I also went to the mall this weekend for the first time since last summer, and I'm now getting into size 20! YES! But I realized that I have lost 65 pounds and still am a LONG WAY from being able to buy clothing at almost any store in the mall (stupid retailers). I have lost 65 pounds and still anyone who meets me will code me as a "fat chick". Let's fact it, I have lost 65 pounds and am still nearly morbidly obese!

Wyllenn,
Thanks for being so honest. I feel just like you ... I have not lost nearly as much but I feel that same way. Sadly, I did put weight back on. So good for you for facing this and being honest. The thing that snapped in my head was looking back at pants I used to wear and seeing how big they were...

Well, what everyone is saying makes complete sense to me. We do have such distorted views of ourselves, don't we? But, I guess the only suggestion that we can only think of ourselves in the NOW. We can only live in the NOW. What happened yesterday, and what happens tomorrow we can't control...we only have control of today. It is not worth beating up ourselves over something we did in the past. We did the best we could at the time. Seriously....let's live in the now. Not easy, still working on this myself! Congrats on your weight loss...what a great victory, you are my inspiration, truly!

i understand too, i started weight loss on nov 15 and i've lost about 34 pounds. but sometimes i want to cry, i lay and bed and try to figure out why i did this to myself. i am worried about it never going away, about anything i can think of. I just got to keep telling myself that once i get were i need to be i am never going back. ever.

I agree with Jennifer, it all comes down to our body image. I am amazed that at my highest weight, I could not "see" myself. We certainly are resourceful when it comes to avoiding the camera, mirrors, etc. Wyllenn, don't beat yourself up! :hug: You have lost 65 lbs! :woo: What an accomplishment! When I look at pictures of me a year ago, I think my brain is now seeing what I actually looked like. A very sobering thought. But I am so glad I am not that way now. Yes, I have a ways to go, but I ain't going back! :D

Maybe when you were heavier, you supressed many of your emotions with food. Now that you don't have that as a crutch, you are free to feel those 'real' feelings.

Stay in your groove and do what you know works and hopefully this will pass.

It makes perfect sense to me too - you aren't alone by a long shot.

I recently started organizing some photographs and came across one of the very few of me. It was from the summer before I started to lose weight and I was at my highest, 214. My first thought was that I had no idea I had been that big. And, quite frankly, it made me really mad at myself. Not so much for having gotten that big to begin with but for not having done something about it much sooner. Like others have said I was in denial. It wasn't a matter of me not knowing I was that fat. It boiled down to my refusal to ACCEPT that I was that fat.

Like Jennifer, I often feel bigger now then I did back then. It isn't the stretch marks or loose skin (I have been luckily spared from them with the exception of my stomach) but the fact that I "see" myself now. First of all, I LOOK more often. There was a stretch of time from 148 pounds to about a week ago when I really felt thin. I thought I looked thin. It felt great. But, I wasn't honestly assessing myself. I was COMPARING the 138 pound me to the 214 pound me and, in comparison I was thin. Then something happened. I got used to and content at 138. I haven't forgotten what it was like being 214 pounds but I've accepted that I will never go back there. I no longer have that fear factor that makes me compare my body now to my body then. A couple of days ago that light bulb went off for me and, for the first time, saw my current weight for what it was - nowhere near where I want to be (okay,okay, "near" is a relative term and I realize that. But I swear trying to lose just 20 pounds now seems as daunting a task as losing 98 pounds did way back when). All of a sudden I look in the mirror and see a fat me again. And my first reaction was very similar to what you described in you post. I mulled those feelings over for a few days and finally decided that enough is enough. It doesn't really matter where I've been, or where I am now. What matters is where I WANT to be and what I am going to do to get there. And that was it. I was ready to really throw myself back into losing weight.

So, no, you aren't alone. You have come a long way and you have every right to feel proud of accomplishments. I think it is fine to recognize and accept where you've been but it is very important to look ahead. If realizing you were bigger than you thought you were motivates you then great. Use that to your advantage. But if it gets you down or impairs your efforts embrace the fact that you know you aren't going back there and then let it go.

I totally agree with everyone. What really gets me is when people tell me how much better I look. I just want to ask them if I was that horrific berore. Either way, I am proud of myself and my accomplishments and although I have only lost 32 lbs, I feel a big difference and feel like I can make it. I have amazing support from my family and my coworkers. Any day I am depressed or feel like giving up, thier support brings me around. I think the biggest thing for me has been realizing that this lifestyle change was not as hard as I thought it would be. I spent years worried about what my life would be like if I couldn't go out to dinner every night or have the food I wanted. Now that I am eating healthier and exercising, I realize just how great I feel and never want to go back to the way I was before.

I totally agree with everyone. What really gets me is when people tell me how much better I look.

You hit the nail on the head with that one. Howie and I talk about this. This last week, someone said "You're so handsome now!!" then backpeddled and said, "Not that you weren't before, I mean!". :sorry:

I have lost 72 pounds (actually was 78, but I've regained some this last month) and the depressed feeling hit me around the same time as you, right around 65 pounds lost. At first glance, it makes no sense to feel ungrateful and sad after such an accomplishment, but all the reasons people have listed here make perfect sense when you look more closely. I'm still struggling with those feelings, especially after regaining some of my lost pounds.

For me it's that realization that I will, indeed, have to be forever obsessed with what goes in my mouth. Where before I was obsessed just wanting more and more, now I must be meticulous in accounting for what makes it past the gatekeeper (me).

Howie and I really appreciate the insight everyone here sheds on so many facets of weight loss, from the physical stuff through the mind games.

I'm definitely far more aware of my weight and my looks than I ever was at my highest, and sometimes I still can't see the difference. For example, my stomach is still a similar shape as it was, and proportionately the same compared to surrounding parts of my body. So when I look at it it still looks like it's sticking out and being flabby, with the addition of some wrinkly looking skin on it (I'm painting a lovely picture here ;) ). What I often ignore is the fact that it only still looks oversized because the part of my body it's sticking out of has also shrunk at the same rate as it's shrunk, and that when you put the package together I'm a lot smaller than I was.

I also find that as I forget what it was like to be obese I forget how much of a difference this has made. If I'd gone to sleep at 260 and woken up at 166 then I'm sure I'd have noticed a huge difference in every part of my life. But it came off gradually, and I just can't remember what it was like to carry that amount of weight round. So sometimes I really don't appreciate the difference it has made. All I notice is that I'm still carrying fat around that I don't want. I forget about the fat that hasn't been there for the past year (I was shocked to realise the other week that I haven't been obese for 6 months!). As it recedes into the depths of my memory I feel less thrilled for having got rid of it.

I think the reality starts to hit too, that you've done so much but still aren't finished. But giving up isn't an option. If you stick with it hopefully you'll come through the tunnel and start feeling bright and cheery again. I'll cross my fingers for you!

I understand this Wyllenn.

My take on it is that maybe when we are at our biggest we have such low self esteem that we don't value our bodies as much. It is only now that you are feeling better about yourself and love yourself more that you can look back and feel genuinely sad about how you treated yourself.

That's how I feel about it anyway - I feel sad that I let myself get into such a state - but soooooooo happy that I have now broken out of that behavoiur pattern and self abuse.

It's hard not to look back and feel sad about what we've put ourselves through, what we've missed out on - I guess we have to turn that into something positive and use it as a reminder to ourselves to say 'never again'.

Love Amanda x

THANK GOD SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING/WENT THROUGH THIS!!!

I was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with me that I am way more uncomfortable about my body now than I was 54 pounds ago. I am far more concerned with how clothing looks, and now refuse to wear things that I would have been thrilled with before. I videotaped myself horseback riding this past weekend to be able to do a comparison with how I was riding 8 months ago and rather than noticing the difference in my size in the video over the past one, I was pointing out how much weight I still have to lose. It took my mother watching the video's with me to point out the things I was missing. Even though I still look (to my eyes!) huge on the horse, I was actually riding a much smaller horse, one that I would not have been able to ride 50 pounds ago. The biggest difference for me though was watching the fact that I was only able to trot for 2 laps of the ring during the first video and for 15 minutes straight on the second. On the first video after my laps, I hung panting over the side of the horse for a few minutes recovering. On the second, I was immediately able to go into the next gait. So even though I still have a lot of work to do, there has been huge progress and that is what I need to focus on!!!

Thanks for your feedback everyone! I love that I feel so much less ALONE and so much more "normal" because of this site! And interesting that at least one other person (Kimberly) experienced it around the same time.

The change in "vision" many of you are talking about is so real to me! I really DIDN'T see how fat I was before, and even with my "before" shots, it's hard to truly see the difference. I mean, I know I'm smaller, but still so big! I should try on those fat pants to see the difference, but even if I do, I'll still be angry and sad at myself for what I did to myself.

I guess now, at least, I do take responsibility that it was ME who did that to myself. And maybe I can make it be ME who doesn't go back there ever again. Maybe that's another upside to all this.

Lucky -- your story really struck me. I can't even fathom being 138 and deciding that's too fat... but then how could I, being at or above 200 pounds my whole adult life? Research indicates that lottery winners are no happier than the rest of us. Once the thrill of winning disappears and people adjust to their new lifestyle and new riches, they realize they haven't solved all their problems and report as much dissatisfaction as the rest of us. Maybe it's the same with losing weight.

I'm not done with this journey by a long shot, but it is slowly starting to sink in just how big this task is -- it's about ever so much more than "simply" (ha) losing weight. Hmmm... well, that's a realization I think I want to remain in denial about for at least a little while longer.

Interesting. After losing 50 pounds I didn't exactly get depressed, but I found that I couldn't seem to lose much more. Then I lost another 10 to 12 pounds over the next 2 years. And I got not so much depressed, as discouraged. It felt frustrating to lose so much and to still have so much to lose. Is THAT what you're feeling?

Too I think I started to really begin to doubt myself, to sabotage myself. Maybe I wasn't really sure somewhere deep inside that I wanted to continue the journey? Maybe once you are on the verge of "thin" you start to wonder if you really want to BE thin? Fat does things for us, that sometimes we don't stop to consider. It helps us "hide" and keeps us "safe" and "invisible". At least a lot of us feel that way even though we think we hate our fat.

Sometimes there are issues we need to face and accept and get over before we can continue the journey.

Thank you all, for sharing. I've avoided message boards for a number of years now, and am so glad I joined this one. Not only is everyone kind and supportive, but it's really nice to know that I'm not alone. I've always been fairly independent and lost the 75 lbs (before) on my own. But then, when I got lost, I didn't have anybody there to turn to for inspiration or support, or to kick me in the butt to get going again and I lost my way.

When I lost my 75 lbs, I would break down in tears when thinking about how fat I had been... (and I don't cry easily). It truly depressed me that I could lose control to such an extent. Alas, 62.5 lbs came back, because I went back into denial when it started packing on. "Oh, well I've had some fluctuations of about 5 lbs." "Oh, well, when I stopped officially dietting, I was 190, so I'm still not that bad." "Oh, well, back when I worked out, I could lose 10 lbs easily."

Pretty soon, I just started ignoring my weight altogether, along with everything I'd learned about eating right and exercising. It didn't help knowing there was a fitness center 4 floors below me, there was a 24 hour gym in my apartment complex, and I had a treadmill and ab-roller sitting in my living room... I just turned a blind eye to them and convinced myself that the problem wasn't that I didn't want to keep the weight off, the problem was that I didn't have enough time to devote to it, or I didn't like the gym, or there were too many distractions... I convinced myself, "Well, I'm past the 220 mark... so my previous effort is all shot to **** now."

Again... back into denial. But my father gave me some wise words - "If it's important to you, you'll make time." So here I am.

--Janis

Sherry -- I wouldn't say I'm discouraged, as the eating and exercising are going well, I haven't stalled out weight-wise (am losing almost every week) and DO notice how much better I feel. If anything, I feel like I can do this most of the time. I'm not discouraged by the fact that there's a long journey ahead, so to speak. But I guess I am in disbelief that 65 pounds into the journey I'm still so... fat. I know that on the face of it those two statements don't make any sense side by side, but there it is.

Since I started reading 3fc I heard that to keep weight off requires constant vigilance, and I haven't really come to terms with THAT yet.

Janis -- Welcome! I know exactly what you mean about all that denial... I think I'm just learning how much in denial I was about my weight. This is a great place for all kinds of support and reassurance!

Since I started reading 3fc I heard that to keep weight off requires constant vigilance, and I haven't really come to terms with THAT yet.

That can be one of the hardest part to get past, I think. I'm still wrapping my mind around it. But I'll tell you one thing: It's worth it and you're worth it.

Janis, glad you're here. :)

I guess I always realized I was morbidly obese. However I never really pictured how big I really was. Now I look at those pictures and think holly cow I was big. And all though people do back peddle when they say your so handsome now. Well in my mind they don't need to. I look back at my pictures and think yuck what did you do to yourself. So why should I expect any different from others. Yes it is hard to wrap our minds around the fact that we will need to do this the rest of our lives, however the alternative is not an option. There is no way I am going back to what I was. I might have lows where I screw up like this past couple of weeks but you just pick up the pieces and get right back at it.

I have only lost fifteen pounds, but I am much more upset, flipped out, and self conscious than I was fifteen pounds ago. Denial -- it ain't just a river in Egypt.

Wyllenn, I truly understand what you mean. Like everyone here has said, it's absolutley a body image thing.

On one hand we're so proud of our hard work and seeing such fabulous results and on the other hand we're still coping with the idea of how big we really were, even though we're not at that place any more. I think it just takes our minds a little while to catch up with our bodies.

~Dee

Thanks for all your responses... it really is a head game, isn't it!!