Good Morning Everyone....
The endless question...."Do I look fat in this?" How many times have we said it to ourselves (sometimes it is not a bad question ...some outfits will make you look bad! ;) Other times we ask a friend or even :o a boyfriend!
But did anyone ever ask you this question and then take it personally? I do all the time. My friend who is WAYYYYY thinner than I is constantly complaining how she feel or looks fat. Now don't get me wrong she is one of my best friends, and would do ANYTHING for me and I her. :hug: I want to be supportive, and I totally get that everyone, even our size 0 friends have "fat days" but for heavens sake if she is fat, what am I???:(
02-03-2006, 12:28 PM
If there's one thing I can't stand, that's listening to a thin person complain about how fat they are. However, some people really do see themselves as fat, even though they're thin. And in my opinion, that's bordering on dangerous thinking. Some thin people complain how fat they are in front of overweight folks simply out of spite and to make the overweight person feel bad. I know, I've seen it and dealt with it. But then there are some people who complain about it because they really believe it.
As for clothing and looking fat in something, it's funny you bring that up because I was just thinking about that this morning. I have a doctors appt. today and I was wondering what I was going to wear (something I never used to give two craps about) and I've got these really heavy and warm sweatshirts in my closet that would be great on a day like today. But I can't bring myself to put them on. Those are the clothes I used to wear when I was heavy and just putting them on makes me 'feel' fat again. Which goes to show ya, so much of this is a psychological issue.
Anyway, I've got a good way to get your friend to stop complaining she's fat - carefully and tactfully suggest to her that if she really thinks she's fat, she ought to go see someone because her behavior worries you. See how she reacts. And you'll be able to tell if she really does see herself as a fat person or if she's just doing it to make you jealous.
02-03-2006, 01:31 PM
As Linda has already pointed out, the perception of our weights is as much psycholgical as anything else. So, when your thin friend asks the question, "do I look fat" remember that everything is relative. At 214 pounds I would have killed to be 140 pounds. When people who were 150 complained about being fat it annoyed me. But, here I am now at 134 pounds often lamenting that I am fat. And, frankly, people who I used to consider thin don't seem so thin to me anymore. I have friends who are still obese and I am sure it grates their nerves when I complain that I need to lose 15-20 more pounds. Like I said, it is all relative.
And guess what? She sees you for WHO you are not WHAT you are. So, trust me, she isn't comparing herself to you. Just because she's having a fat day doesn't mean she sees you that way. Honestly, my friends are absolutely amazed when I tell them that I started out weighing 214 pounds. They swear they never would have guessed I was that heavy. And I believe them because I know they looked past the fat.
And to anwer the question, "if she is fat then what am I?" Well, as hard as it is to say out loud - we are (were) fatter. I used to think the exact same thing when my fit and trim sister would make similar comments. I'd think if she considers herself fat at 118 she must really think I'm a whale. As it happens, she did not see me that way - but, sadly, I was really, really fat. As soon as I admitted to myself that was the case I found myself much less senstive to people's comments about their own weights.
One last thing. When thinner people say they feel/look fat remember that their idea of fat is different than ours. My sister, for example, usually has an area of her body that she complains about and isn't necessarily implying that she is OVERWEIGHT when she calls herself fat. For instnace, she'll zoom in on the pooch of her stomach that is big compared to the rest of her (but still small compared to mine) and she sees "fat". Just like I don't always see how much weight I've lost and instead focus on how much further I have to go. I used to wish I only had 20 pounds to lose. Guess what? I only have 20 pounds to lose and it seems like a lot more than it used to!
My advice is not to read too much into other people's comments when it comes to weight. They rarely mean it the way we HEAR it.
02-03-2006, 01:39 PM
i have a different perspective. i go shopping with my little sister all the time. and when i say little sister i literally mean little sister. ;) . she's the only person that i will shop with because we're fast shoppers, honest, and we know what looks good on us and on each other. while she often doesn't say, "do i look fat in this?" she'll say "oh, this makes my hips look wide". often times i'll agree because while wide for her, is not WIDE, it's not the most flattering silouhette for her either. granted, i think she can wear anything, BUT it's not wrong for her to want to find the most flattering outfit possible. she recently told me that she didn't like this one pair of jeans because they make her bow-legged legs, look even more so. well, heck, i've lived with her for 19 years and i never realized it, but she's right, she has bow-legged legs. so while COMPARITIVELY she's a lot skinnier than me, she also has her issues that i have to respect. just like when i complain, she'll often agree with me (not in a mean way), and respect it.
i'm not saying that everyone has the relationship that they can agree, "yes, that makes your swimmer's shoulders even broader", but i think it's important to be empathetic.
granted, she also doesn't say constantly that she looks fat, or says things in a way that i will be offended, but she does think she has features that she wishes she could change, and you can't fault her for wanting to highlight her best features.
when i worked at a clothing store for 3 years, i was talking to girls that i worked with about things they hate sale assistants saying, and the skinnier girls all said when people say, "oh you're so skinny" (that would be music to my ears! ;) ) or, "oh, you can wear anything!" a lot of them said, no, they can't.
obviously i would rather have their clothing problems than my own, but what can ya do? i think you just to have to respect the other person, and understand that they have things they would like to change to, and while there's seem much smaller compared to yours, to them, it may not be.
i hope that i'm not offending anyone by writing this, just another perspective.
02-03-2006, 01:42 PM
lucky, we were posting at the same time. :D
02-03-2006, 03:26 PM
I know it is a silly thing. And she is would never ever say anything to hurt me. (She has defended me more times than I can count, and always tells me postive things.) But sometimes especially on rough days it.....stings.
02-03-2006, 04:23 PM
I was thinking of that last night. We went to a friend's house (our weekly 'date') and I was getting ready. I brushed my hair and washed my face. I was really admiring myself - generally, I hate the way I look. But my skin was fresh and clean, my eyes were sparkly, and my hair smelled and looked good. I stood on tip toes to check my upper waist (we don't have a full length mirror) and I said to my husband 'OK, not great, but not bad for having 3 kids in 4 years, right?' He agreed, kissed me and I felt on top of the world. Then, we were watching a movie at our friend's house, sitting on a futon. I caught my reflection in the entertainment center glass and almost burst out crying. I looked like a very pretty manatee. I DID NOT look like that when I left the house!!! It made me wonder : Which mirrors are telling the truth?
This happens all the time, and my husband is always bombarded with the 'Does this make me look fat?' I'll mean it, too. I'll feel great when I leave, and see myself and suddenly think I'm a whale. What changes that perception? We've all bought a pair of pants that looked great in the dressing room, and aweful in the window reflection.
02-03-2006, 06:51 PM
[QUOTE=Altari]. I caught my reflection in the entertainment center glass and almost burst out crying. I looked like a very pretty manatee. I DID NOT look like that when I left the house!!! It made me wonder : Which mirrors are telling the truth?
OMG! this is sooo true. i know how you feel.
Chestnutless- i wasn't trying to discredit your feelings. i'm sorry you had a rough day. :hug:
02-03-2006, 06:57 PM
Sometimes a reflection close up doesn't show how light and shadow affect your curves. If something is form fitting, try stepping back five or six feet to see how it really hangs on you.
02-03-2006, 09:11 PM
I tell my friends like this, "If you're FAT than what am I?" It gets the point across.
02-03-2006, 10:47 PM
I tend to agree with lucky and chicagoposter. I'd like to lose another 20 lbs, and I sometimes, without thinking, blurt out how fat I think I am, even though I used to be 80 lbs heavier. It's all relative. I'm not comparing myself to my friends; I'm comparing myself to an idealized version of me. As in, I'm heavier than I'd like to be.
02-03-2006, 11:00 PM
I am 5'2" - 210 lbs and have always been happy with myself.
My best friend is 6', blond, long legs, former model, works as a firefighter and has always kept in killer shape at about 145 lbs with a 6-pack and everything. She also hates how she looks. It is worse now because she has spent a year at a desk job and gone up 1 size. She won't walk into anyplace alone. I have to go with her (or my husband or her husband). She won't go to the gym with me because she doesn't look good in her workout clothes. She never went swimming once in our pool or off our boat last summer because she wasn't in swimsuit shape. I don't know what she sees when she looks in the mirror, because it certainly isn't what anyone else sees when they look at her. But mostly I feel bad that anyone has to go through that.
So when she asks me if her butt looks big, I say, "no - you look beautiful." The problem is - I don't think she believes me.
02-03-2006, 11:24 PM
Sometimes a reflection close up doesn't show how light and shadow affect your curves.
Pooey, my reflection in the glass door of the entertainment center is exactly what woke me up. I sat on the couch and saw that reflection and was horrifed. It was then I finally realized I was FAT.
I'm not anymore. Because I never want to see that reflection again.
02-05-2006, 10:51 PM
Chestnutlass, I sometimes get more than a little peeved when friends who seem to always be thinner say that, or even complain about how "fat" they are. Its beyond annoying. But I've learned being both thin and heavy, that women, and some men too, just feel "fat" all the time. We all have our insecure moments, and like you said, some outfits just aren't flattering. I asked a friend once and she was almost in shock that I even took it personally or offensively, she wasn't even concerned about my thighs, or my stomach, breasts, and all that other stuff... It was just her bloated tummy, or awkward fitting blouse she was concerned about...
I agree though, it is annoying
02-06-2006, 02:09 PM
Well I tried something different for me this weekend....I was honest about my feelings.
I am known as the happy chipper one. I almost never tell someone what is bothering me. (well until I can't take it anymore and I totally blow up!)
When she said something about her "fat" I said something. At first she looked a little shocked, but then she swore that she never meant it, and that she was sorry. I know we will still have our "fat" conversations, but talking about it definately helped!
02-07-2006, 10:57 AM
I think when we think we are fat, we are really comparing to ourselves. Try not to be sensitive regarding your weight. I don't want my friends to be extra careful around me when we go shopping.
da fat n da furious
02-07-2006, 11:31 AM
I caught my reflection in the entertainment center glass and almost burst out crying. I looked like a very pretty manatee. I DID NOT look like that when I left the house!!! It made me wonder : Which mirrors are telling the truth?
Ever been in a dance studio? Last week I had to sit in on some auditions for a musical ina dance studio...I could barely pay attention to what was going on around me,,I was so caught up on not staring at my reflection, but like a train wreck I couldn't stop looking,,I looked like a blob with arms and legs.
02-07-2006, 12:09 PM
I think that if a person is feeling fat, she will complain to someone who is fatter than her. This is because a fatter person will tell her she is not fat, whereas if she complains to her skinnier friend, they might agree that yeah, she is looking a bit overweight these days. The result is that the fatter person feels like a whale. I know how it is, it's happened to me many times with one of my good friends.
This might seem mean but I told her how I felt about her complaining to me about being fat and she didn't get the message, so every time she brought it up I would agree with her. I would say "yeah, you're right, you're so fat..." things like that. This was years ago.. she got the message.
02-07-2006, 04:42 PM
i agree that she was being insensitive. I also think that she probably honest to god felt fat. how we feel and how we perceive ourselves is totally relative. i know that i still feel fat these days about as often as i did when i was actually overweight. wierd huh?
i do try to reign in my comments however and just ask one or two of my friends and family... i pick my audiences. ie i dont ask the cousin who weighs 2 lbs because i'm pretty sure she has an eating disorder and i dont want to add to her worries about body image. and i dont ask my friend who is a lot heavier- because i would hate it if she thought- if you think you're fat, what do you think of me?
while i think her concerns may have been real and that she probably was only thinking about herself and did not mean to be rude... i do think it was insensitive.