100 lb. Club - change of methods, and a rededication.

07-08-2001, 10:20 PM
I have been playing fast and lose with my weight control plan the last few weeks. It would be very easy to blame it on the three weeks of steroids I have taken for my sinuses, but that isn't completely to blame. It is the same old thing I have read here before, failure to journal, failure to plan.

I am making a re-dedication tomorrow morning to my plan even though I know I am going on several short mini-trips with our show cattle. It is possible to eat out smart, I just haven't been doing it.

I am going back to my calorie counting and going to continue to weigh weekly at weight watchers for accountability, which is very important for me. I think point counting and calorie counting is probably fairly similar, yet the calorie counting seems easier for me to do.

I have been lurking here for awhile, reading everyone else's stresses and successes. I need to get here more often and post, because I find a definite relationship between coming here to post and staying on plan.


07-09-2001, 06:49 AM
Way to go Girl
I have been struggling since May. I went to the Oprah web site. And Have been stuck on "either you get it or you don't" I am afraid that I really don't. Waht more do I need to get?I weigh 261# I wear a size 24, I have a fat roll in my lap and I have physical problems that are made worse by my weight. What's not to get?

But I'll tell you I don't see those issues when I talk myself out of exercising or into putting something in my mouth.

I am glad for you. Thank you for sharing your "stuff"

07-09-2001, 08:34 AM
Pat, I also have read a lot of stuff by Dr. Phil, and his idea that I am fat because I want to be is where I am stuck.

I know that there is some truth there, but I can't find it. No, I don't want to be fat, but I am. I have looked deep inside myself for some deep seated psychological problem, but can find none. I have a great husband, wonderful daughter who's worst problem to date is that she doesn't like to empty the dishwasher (she is 16, I count myself fortunate). We have enough money to eat (obviously). I have a job I love. I think my main problem is that I LOVE food. I like to fix it, I like to eat in, eat out, etc.

I think the main issue I have to deal with is how to limit myself to things I love to eat and still stay around 1600-1800 calories. This is the amount my doctor recommends. I see other people do it and assume that I can as well.

It is a battle!!!!!


07-09-2001, 09:41 AM
Elaine, I think you are doing great! You are smart to find what is easiest for you to do! Everyone needs a plan that they can do well with. For me it is weighing food and amounts. I don't do as well wtih calorie or point counting. If calorie counting works for you do it! I think you sound like I did when I was finnally ready to lose! We all hit a point when we just know we can do it and are ready for the hard work! Trust me coming here will really help. Almost everyday I read soemthing I can relate to and it just keeps me going. It is a wonderful feeling to know I am not alone and others strugle just like I do. Good Luck!

07-10-2001, 12:00 PM
Good Morning Ladies:

I find that what 1fralick and teach93 say is just where I am. What part am I not "getting" to be motivated enough to lose, once and for all? I don't get the part I should be getting. LOL (That actually sounds pretty pathetic.)

I can site current health issues, family health histories, physical barriers, fashion barriers, "what-everyone-must-think" barriers, etc., etc., but nothing motivates me or inspires me to just DO IT. Maybe like Dr. Phil says, I'm overweight for a reason. Okay. I can accept that. Now, how do I find out what the reason is and how to fix it? I need more than opening a magazine that tells me to plant flowers to make me happy that day or to write in my journal what attracts me to pepperoni pizza. Bandaid fixes.

2oM (Annie)

07-10-2001, 12:19 PM
Hmmm... I've asked this question as well. Here are the answers I came up with for me... your mileage may vary. ;)

1) I'm not getting it... because if I did it would mean a significant change to my lifestyle, which for all it's flab, is what I'm currently comfortable with.

2) I'm not getting it... because if I did, it would require a HUGE expenditure of energy on my part in order to change things. The problem with this is that I'm inherently lazy... and I've been taught that when I spend energy/time, it's to be on OTHER people, and not me.

3) I'm not getting it... because if I did, and I lost weight, I'd have to confront several demons currently lurking under excess poundage. I'm afraid of success... I'm afraid of what would happen to my relationships if all of a sudden I were thin.

4) I'm not getting it... because the grief is too much. The thought that I've been missing out on so much. If I "get it" then the grief hits...

Needless to say, with all of the above (and there's more, I know there's more) I can understand why I've not wanted to get it.

That said, I'm in a place now where I can take on some grief, and some guilt at spending that energy on myself... I'm in a place now where I'm secure in my relationships... and quite frankly, I'm beginning to look forward to that different lifestyle.

I'm starting to get it... and it's scary and overwhelming, but deep down, it's also exciting.



07-10-2001, 12:22 PM
Quite honestly, I'm sort of dreading people commenting on my weight loss.

Yeah, I know it will feel good on one level to hear the affirmations, but from certain folks, the undertone (real or imagined) will be along the line of "it's 'bout time".

I don't want that. I also don't want people watching every single bite I put in my mouth. I'm in a pretty high-profile job, and spend a lot of time eating with others... right now, folks don't say a word.

Experience tells me that as I begin to lose, they will say things.

Anyone else deal with this?



07-10-2001, 04:18 PM
So much of what you all say is true. I also have been in the situation where people who new I was trying to lose weight would watch every bite I ate. I have one person who at family dinners will give the WW point values of every food. Or someone will say, "Oh, I made WW food for you." Not only does that embarass me, it draws attention to me, something I definitely don't like.

I also can relate to still having issues in my life even if I were thin. At the age of almost 45 I seem to come from a generation (or maybe it is a local thing) where thin=happy, when I am thin I will automatically be happy. When I am thin there will be the same stresses I have now. I might look better while dealing with them!!! But they will still be there. A friend who had stomach stapling and lost 150 pounds recently made the comment that losing weight had been good for her health, but the rest of her life had not changed dramatically and she was almost disappointed. It is almost like we expect when we get thin to be recognized and crowned for our accomplishments, and some people will do that, while most will go on with the problems of their lives.

I guess all we can do is fight the good fight.


07-10-2001, 04:25 PM
Elaine.. I agree fully with you.

The wonderful thing is knowning that all we can do is fight the good fight... but also that we don't fight it alone.

:::putting up my "dukes"::::

It's good to know that I can come here and vent about people, or grieve the loss of dreams (even with the weight loss!) and know that folks here FULLY understand, and are fighting along with me.

One of my fav folksingers puts it this way "People like you help people like me go on...." :D

Diane in Ottawa
07-10-2001, 09:55 PM
You ladies have inspired me to post.

Judging from your posts, it sounds as though you are all like me. We may all be of different age groups, different areas and different backgrounds but once you take all that away, we're really all the same. We have face the same challenges and deal with the same issues.

As for "Getting It", I agree with everything Karen has said. Karen - I see myself in each of the statements you listed in your posts but would like to add the following:

I'm not "getting it" because ... if I did get it and made the necessary changes lose more weight and reach my goal, I would then have to start dealing with men "hitting" on me like they did when I was a teenager. I couldn't deal with that then and I'm not sure I could deal with it now. I'm comfortable with the idea that men don't find me sexually enticing (except my husband - although I still don't understand why he does).

That's a really, really big one for me.

I have been losing weight at a good, steady pace however, in the past couple of weeks, I've felt as though my resolve is slipping and my "bad" habits are creeping back.

I'm losing control and I'm scared!!!:(


07-11-2001, 07:20 PM
Diane... yes, yes, YES!

That's another issue as well, although I think one of the reasons I feel I can do it this time, is that it is less of an issue now. (I'm older, I wear a clerical collar... something else to hide behind!)

I'm scared as well.. but the fright is tinged with excitement. Let's do it!!



07-12-2001, 07:08 AM
I must say that I am getting alot out of this thread.
The point that I am not getting is (I think) that I am my number 1 priority, no matter what. The disappointing thing is I try and tell my substance abuse clients this all the time and yet I don't practice what I preach.
It takes alot of concentration, determination, dedication and action to accoplish this. I find that i am easily distracted from this. As well as I am also too worried about what my choices will bring about. such as people talking, judging,complaining, hurt by, failing etc.

The "rewards" I get from putting food in my mouth must pale against the "rewards" I will get from change. Which means I have to work at changing my thinking.

I have been in this funk since May and I too am scared that I won't make it back.

I want to welcome casey and diane I have enjoyed your posts and input.

Well at least I can take some comfort in realizing that i am not alone in my journey

07-12-2001, 08:46 AM
I was recently told by a very good friend (one of the few that I would let tell me something like this) that I am afraid of being thin. At first, I said oh sure, ha. Then I really started to think about it. Could that be true? I know how to be fat. I have done it since 6th grade and I am almost 45 years old. Even with the teasing or sometimes downright nastiness that hurts my feelings, I still know how to be fat.

This leads me to the notion that maybe I am afraid that life as a thin person won't be as great as I want. HMMMM......

I have been reading a book called "Gentle Eating" that I picked up in a box lot of books off ebay. It stresses that making huge changes is not the way to lose weight. It sort of takes the crawl before you walk philosophy. One point is that if you are eating 3000 calories a day, going to 1200 overnight is not a smart thing to do because most of us aren't going to stick with it. That strikes a note with me because I tend to be an all or nothing person. In that light I am going to cut my calorie intake to around 1800 calories a day, maybe a few more or less as I feel like it. I have done this before, lost a pound or so a week consistently. Why did I quit? There are so many plans out there that trumpet themselves as being "the Plan" that I thought, could just counting calories be right, could it be enough?

Well, time to hop off my soapbox and get ready for the day. I hope everyone who posts or lurks on this thread has a wonderful day!!!!


07-12-2001, 10:42 AM
Wow. I don't even know what to say after reading all of your posts....

Someone said it right...we all are different for many reasons..but we all have the same fears. Maybe for different reasons, but all in all, were scared.

I am very scared of being thin. I am scared of all of the attention I am getting. I am scared of never being happy with my body. I am scared of gaining it all back. I am scared that I will never get there. I am scared.

But it's not holding me back. I can no lnger let fear rule my life. Nomatter how scary this is.

As for others having an "impact" on us while we are on this journey..DO NOT discuss it with anyone who cannot or will not understand. I didn't tell a soul about my journey. Not even my husband. I didn't need nor want the extra pressure. I was doing it on my own..well, with the help of many many friends right here at 3FC..but it felt good. Nobody watched me eat or made comments. It was my secret. People didn't even start to notice till after about 20 lbs one. And then the comments came pouring in and it gave me so much inspiration. They made it a big deal, I did not. Then I started to not enjoy the comments. I didn't know how to take them. I was feeling pressured to lose more..like the world was watching..and then..I said whatever..am doing this for ME...only ME.
So, if anything...do yourself a favor..don't share this journey at the start with others in your life. Most people can't understand..and you don't need an audience.

1fralick..Take my hand...your coming out of that funk..your coming back into the groove of things. You deserve it..look in the mirror and remind yourself that YOU are beautiful and you deserve to feel good about your body. You can do this. One day at a time..1 lb at a time. That's all we can do.

07-12-2001, 12:31 PM
I've gone both routes - from telling everyone including the letter carrier... to telling no one.

This time I've just told my spouse (and he knows enough not to say a WORD....lol... well-trained, and all!!)

My problem is that I know when I begin to lose, that folks will comment.

Okay, time for some honesty on my part. The people that I really don't want noticing/commenting are my parents, and more specifically my mother.

I've had such a history of food and control with her. It's been terrible - and it's only after some good therapy that I've come to realize just how much my eating is really about that relationship.

I've come to the realization that she only "approves" of me when I'm losing weight.... and I don't want to give her that control, so I don't.

I've finally come to the point of deciding that whether I lose/gain/remain the same... it has less to do with mom, and more to do with my own happiness. So.. the heck with it. I'm going to lose, and when I feel her "approval" I'll take it and move on.


Oh my, where did all of THAT come from? I'm going to send this to the board for two reasons... first, that it might help someone else, and secondly, so it will keep me honest.



07-12-2001, 03:33 PM
Like Casey, I've gone both routes before, too. Eventually, someone says something, right? However, I don't need DH asking me if I "can have" a certain food or if I "should" it whatever. I don't need that Food Police. Whether that is his intention or not, I take it the Food Police way. (I'm sure there's another issue imbedded in that, too.)

Now about the mom issue. I've been to counselors before and only recently have I found one who I think is really helping me. Instead of her saying, "Just because" when I ask a question, she is explaining it so that even I can understand.

Well, to get to my point, I'm finding out that how I feel about people in my past is directly AND indirectly related to stuff that's going on inside me now. Significant relationships are not things that are put on a straight line, where X happened back then or back there and now I "should" be able to get over it and move on. They are more like webs, where X happened over here (as opposed to back there or back then). And now instead of "shoulding" myself to get over it, I need to realize that what happened is woven into me and my web and that it is not easy to just move on. Afterall, if you cut a piece of web apart, it may unravel . . .

2oM (Annie)

07-12-2001, 06:01 PM
>>Afterall, if you cut a piece of web apart, it may unravel . . .

Yes... exactly. And the web, for all of it's problems is MY web, and it's familiar, and I know my way around it.

Losing weight threatens that security. BIG time.
Letting go of a relationship with mom that I have little control of threatens that security. BIG time.

Part of the reason THIS time is different is that I'm seeing that clearly, and frankly, I'm not as afraid as I've been. I'm excited. I'm looking forward to seeing what new things will come about from the decisions that I'm making.

::::sigh::: Of course, I had ice cream for breakfast and lunch, but still!!! I'm at least journaling it and being honest about it.

Keep on Keeping ON!!

going for 290 by Labor Day!!

07-15-2001, 08:08 AM
I am enjoying this thread so much and the discussion I am hoping we can keep it going and maybe more people will join in.

I was to think about what I do "get", because there are some things that I have learned but am having trouble puting them into action.

I know, for me, that am exercise starts my day off better. I am less hungry and have more energy thru-out the day. That high fiber foods stay w/ me longer which helps with snacking.

I know that any change in my schedule "gives me permission" to go off OP.

I know that if I am not rested, that too sets me up for overeating.

And I know if I can't manage my feeling, I overeat or eat the wrong stuff.

Reading the August edition of Oprah, there was an article about giving advice to friends. To make a long story short it stated we all have the answers we need inside us. We just have to listen or feel it is OK to let us answer ourselves.

I think my answers include:

I don't give myself the seriousness, determination I need to fight this.

I am doing it for the "attention" i.e. the pats on teh back, the looks and comments etc. and not for me.

I am lazy or looking for the quick answers results

I am willing to be defocused by anything, people, events, etc.

It is not OK for me to have feelings, much less manage them.

I am more worried that if I focus on me, I will somehow disappoint, upset, anger someone.

So I need to work at overcoming these beliefs or learning to cope with them.

thanks for listening


07-16-2001, 10:49 AM
Pat... I like turning this on it's ear and thinking about what I *do* get (even though I may not actually do it.. I do get it!!)

I get... that if I drink my water for the day, I'm not as hungry or infatuated with food.

What goes hand in hand with that is that when I drink more I retain less and my feet don't swell. I get that. I really do.

:::heading off to kitchen for water bottle::::

I also get that if I start well, I have a better chance at finishing well. For me, Kashi or some other cereal of substance fills me far more than a donut or slices of toast.

I get that I'm an emotional eater.. and have learned that I really can't have foods around that I can snack on that are high in calories... because I'll reach for those first. So now I give my daughter $$ to buy goodies at camp to supplement her lunch so that I'm not tempted.

There's more... but this is good stuff to ponder!



07-17-2001, 07:38 PM

Emotions are very hard for me to have, accept and deal with. I have spent much of my life denying that I have them or worrying about the otehr person, that i just stuff them and my face. It is so important for me to be in control of everything and that's a set up from the start.
I also spend alot of time rehashing the Past. "I shoulda, woulda etc"
What a waste of time. It's over. Nothing can change it. Or alot of time projecting the future, planning what I will say or do. Another set up. Other people rent alot of space in my head and sometimes it's pretty crowded in there. LOL


07-18-2001, 08:49 AM
Thanks for this thread. What an excellent discussion!

I think I don't get it for many of the reasons already stated. Fear of success, fear of being noticed (for bad or good), just plain laziness (a BIG one). I'm not afraid of people noticing, because I lost over 30 pounds one year and only a few people commented on it (I guess I hide it well (sigh)).

And, with the new baby and the new house and a whole new life, even the THOUGHT of making drastic activity/food changes seems altogether overwhelming. So I start where I always start. With lists. Why I am unhappy with my weight. What does it give me? What does it take away? What am I afraid of?

And then I begin to list easy, gradual steps I can take: increase veggie/fruit intake, lower sugar/junk food intake, incorporate more easy activities into my life (taking stairs, parking farther away, gardening more often).

Sooner or later, I begin incorporating the steps, and begin losing and feeling better (that's my main motivator -- I hate feeling the backache when I wake up and the kneeache when I stand up from a couch or easy chair). I'm kindof at this point now, the beginning of starting these easier changes.

It's not like we don't know what's going on! Most overweight people know more about calories, nutrition, exercise, muscle, and health than "normal" weight people. It's in actually doing it that we get messed up -- in making it a lifestyle and not something "special" that you do once in a while then drop.

Ah, well. I'm rambling. That's what I get for posting before I have my morning coffee...

07-18-2001, 10:06 AM
I have been gone several days, but have enjoyed reading the posts to the thread.

I can totally relate to whether to tell people or not. My MIL is the food police. I came in yesterday after being gone for 4 days in the heat with my daughter and her show cattle. We stopped at Burger King on the way home and got something for the road. When we got home, she saw the Burger King sack and started spouting off different fat grams of various items. I turned around and walked off. She is totally obsessed and is driving everyone else crazy as well. I don't need someone to tell me what to eat and what not to. I don't need for her to announce to the whole family that she has made me some low fat and low calorie foods,(and she does that).

Other members of the family are also irritated with her as well, which helps.

I did pretty well this weekend considering we ate fast food or at "Granny's Diner" for almost 5 days. Lost two pounds which was probably sweat and work.

I hope everyone is having a great week!! I am totally confused as to what day it is most of the time, we move from one fair to the other, but I will check in and read the new posts. You are a great bunch, and I enjoy sharing the "journey" with you!!!


08-14-2001, 01:26 PM
Ah... and after I've been away and munching during vacation, etc....

I "get" that it's hard to start again because I enjoy food and how food makes me feel.

I "get" it that I'm not much of a delayed gratification kind of person... and food is only ONE aspect of that.

And I "get" that it's really up to me.



I'm back, and starting again.


08-14-2001, 03:01 PM
What scares me now a days is a health scare..I am 41 now and I think the time has come where I can't keep shoving fattening foods in my mouth and it makes me happy..I currently weigh 320 and started a 1200 a day diet yesterday..Heart problems run in my family and right now I can barely walk without aches and pains in my legs..A heart problem does scare me now a days..My dad had hearat surgery at 51 and I can see that coming for me at a earlier age..I just can't stand looking at my big ole belly anymore and feel happy about myself..I have lost and gained weight all my life and need now to focus on health issues more than the desire for sweets and fattening foods..As God is my witness I will succeed this time and keep it off for good..I have 150 pds to lose and I don't care how hungry I get I'm staying with my program and losing it for the last time..I see so many really overweight people at Walmart using the electric wheelchair and thinking to myself I better motivate myself soon or I will have to use one also..As a matter of fact I did yesterday use one..My legs were hurting too bad..I know its the weight..I know when we lay our heads down on our pillows at nite we feel good about not cheating that day..But worry about the next day to much about cheating or going off..Losing weight is very frustrating we all know that..Just wanted to vent off what is scaring me now a days...A heart attack..And the truth is scaring me..Take care friends..Don't worry about any compliments that come your way..You deserve attention and should make you feel so good about yourself..It use to embarrasse me when I worked..Now that I think about it I was stupied..Should of smiled ear to ear and enjoyed the attention at the time..Losing weight is tough..More than thin people would ever know..Take care new friends and I wish u and me luck on our journeys to losing weight once and for all..Your new friend Sherry:lol:

08-14-2001, 03:27 PM
It's been a long time since I have read a complete thread through. This one has a lot of meaning.

Many of you wonder and speculate about why you are not "getting it". I am getting "it" this time but sometimes I have a hard time defining what "it" is and where "it" is coming from.

I know that I am successful for the first time in many years on WW. I have lost 52 pounds so far in 25 weeks/6 months. My eating habits have completely changed...and I mean completely. I am one third of the way to my goal. I have no desire to stop exercising, or to stop eating well or drinking water. However, I do not know where this desire is coming from.

I really and firmly believe that the support of absolutely everyone around me helps. This time, I have told everyone that I am on WW. In the past, I told few people because then if/when I failed, no one would comment. In the past, if I had a binge or overate, I thought, "no one but me knows so it can't hurt." Now I understand that I hurt myself when I do that. Bottom line is that I have to want to do this. Me.....

Yes, you will begin to receive a lot of attention. I am a high profile teacher/administrator of at-risk children so always have received a fair bit of attention. Sure, there will be people who think, "she's losing weight -- about time." But those are the people that you don't bother with. If they are becoming too much, look them in the eye and say, "Yes! It is about time. I'm now in control of my life." Chances are, they have some problems in their own lives that they need to look at if they are busy judging others. There are obstacles to overcome. You take them one day at a time.

There are still some things to work on. I had a big let down today and the first thing I wanted to do was eat. I made some homemade almond brittle and had a few points worth of it and I am cool now. When I am bored, I want to eat. I'm working on improving myself. I know that one of my reasons for wanting this weight off is that I want a child. I want to be healthy. There are lots. I just know that this time, I am going to do it.

Thanks for reading my rambling........I wish you all the best.

08-14-2001, 04:17 PM
Spinsky... thanks for your response. This has been a very good thread, dealing with some stuff that is pretty deep.

You write: "Yes, you will begin to receive a lot of attention. I am a high profile teacher/administrator of at-risk children so always have received a fair bit of attention"

For me, at this point, I've begun to discover that it's not my colleagues and friends... but it really is my parents. Again, it seems to revolve around this need to NOT please my mother. Where I need to make the separation is in understanding that it's about me... not about her.

And that's soooo hard.

Right now I'm trying to lose some weight before going to Japan. I really don't care how much or how little... I know every pound will make that airline trip a little more comfortable. However, my mom will be coming to watch the kidlet and critters... and whenever I begin to think of her "approval" at that time, when she sees a noticeable weightloss... I get this wierd nasty feeling inside. It's the kind of feeling that makes you want to chow down to make it go away.

I need to learn to put that aside. I'm working at it. Every day!! But it's a loooong haul.

"People like you help people like me go on...." Keep on!!


08-14-2001, 04:46 PM
Hi Karen,

Ahhhhhhh......the mother issue. My mother weighs 120 pounds, a perfect size 8-10 and wears nothing but the best. She is sharp and elegant and if I look half as good as she does when I hit 60, I will be proud. She doesn't understand what having a weight problem is about, though and figures that you just decide to lose the extra.

Believe it or not, after losing 52 pounds, she says she can just barely see me starting to lose! I've gone down 2-3 sizes and she can just barely see? Come on.

I am 33 years old, a married professional with a great income and my own home. Why do I still think I need my mother's approval?

It's nice to think that she only wants the best for me and I do love her dearly but wish she'd smarten up sometimes!!!!!!

08-14-2001, 06:03 PM
I am 33 years old, a married professional with a great income and my own home. Why do I still think I need my mother's approval? >>

:::pointing to nose on face::::

Pre-cisely. That particular tape, however, has been playing since the moment I was born. It's interesting how this need to please can be converted into a need to annoy. ::laugh::: It's as if I never really *lived* my adolesence, so I'm going to prove I don't need her approval by weighing 300 plus pounds.

Uh huh.

What I really need to convince myself of is that I don't need her approval... nor do I need her dis-approval.

Regardless, this thread has helped me to sort out a whole mess of stuff, and that gives me great hope.


08-14-2001, 10:38 PM
Wow what thought on this thread. I wish i had the time to reread it but i must get running. I just wanted to add that I too am scared of loosing the weight. I do not know what i will do. i think that i am more scared to regain the weight and then be thought of as a failure. so why try in the first place. I have lost about 50 lbs and droped from a 24 to a 16 - 18. there is a difference but i have been at this weight for almost 6 months am i afraid of going lower??? yes i am. i have not told my parents about the weith loss ( have not seen them since december) I too am 41 and am looking for approval from them but as i am not telling them i am doing this for me. i have decided that it is for me. and when i get down to where i want to be i am going to flaunt my new sexy body!!! I have decided that it is for me and nobody else except to show my kids an example, as they are falling into the same thing i did at their ages!!!

well i will reread this tomorow. I love this!!

08-15-2001, 09:59 PM
Hi all,
I am so glad that this thread has renewed life.

The mother issue is difficult. But I think that we can substitute any significant person in that as, we seek approval of ourselves from other people. This is a set up from the get go.

- If I don't or can't accept me as I am now how can I ask others to do this?

-If I don't like my self how can I ask other to do this?

- If i don't make myself my #1 priority how can I ask others to do so.
I think
Self esteem is something that comes from inside. A feeling that I am OK right now. An acceptance that I am human , I make mistakes, I am a work in process. And this is OK. When I draw my self worth from out side sourses I run the risk that Those sourses won't be there forever to support my self image. Then I fall or have self doubt. I have to be happy with myself, career, stuff , If I am not I have to work on change. I need to surround myself with positive people I need to set limits and boundaries and stick to them. I need to take risks. I need to accept failure as a life lesson. I need to not be overcome by fear.

I need to do whatever it takes to meet the goals I have set. Or accept the consequences

This is what I know/ get right now

I need to practice these things daily.

I am worth the effort,time, dedication fear


08-15-2001, 10:08 PM
I need to come up and have coffee with you some day pat. !!! we could have some great conversations!!

08-16-2001, 12:07 AM
I am worth the effort,time, dedication fear >>

Ah.. that's it in a nutshell.

I'm worth these things... not because they please/displease Mom, but because I'm a separate being (look, no umbilical cord/apron string) and am therefore worthy.

It's amazing how I can be a professional woman in her late 30's and still have issues with my mother. ROFL. Ah dear.... I need to remember that my MOTHER has issues with her mother!!

OP Day 3!

08-21-2001, 12:10 PM
Okay... it dawned on me that many of my "get its" or "don't get its" have to do with diet and Mom (see lengthy tomes above), but I'm not quite sure where the whole exercise thing comes in.

I was never encouraged to be "sporty" as a kid, never joined any sports (except for synchronized swimming...lol!!) Certainly, I was made fun of as a teenager in gym class, but I think that had a lot to do with my weight and not my ability.

That said... there's nothing more there. I don't think there is. This could be one of those areas where it's not a get/don't get but simply "I don't like". LOL

Anyone else have any gets/don't gets around the area of exercise?

08-22-2001, 01:46 AM
Wow, what an incredibly thought provoking thread. I don't know how I missed it over the past 6 weeks.

I've been staring at my computer, trying to figure out just what I "get" and what I don't "get".

I get: Getting back on track whenever I slip off.

I get: The exercise and the importance of it. I love to work out. I feel so strong, so great. I am grateful that this is not an area of concern for me.

I get: This weight loss has to be done for me, and only me.

I get: My mom has nothing to do with my current weight. Again, happily for me, my mom issues are absolutely not related to weight and food. (Don't worry, I have other mom issues, so I am not getting off scott-free :lol: ,)

I DON'T GET: I have to put myself first. I totally put my 3 sons And their needs ahead of mine. I do a much better job of this when they are in school. Thank goodness they started back today.

I am also scared of losing weight. I have had only a few comments on my 45 pound weight loss and I am so glad. I do not want my kids to hear people commenting on my weight. I have never said the word "diet" to my boys. I have never indicated to them that I am unhappy with my weight. I am doing everything I can to raise them with a healthy attitude toward food and weight. When they ask about my exercise routine, I always tell them I want to be healthier so I am working out. I am very matter of fact about my body and theirs, indicating these are the bodies God has given us, and they come in all shapes and sizes.

I am also scared of losing weight because I have used food as a coping mechanism for so long.

I am scared I will gain it all back, as I have every other time I have lost weight. I have lost thousands of pounds in my life, and have always put it back on. I lost 100 pounds only 6 years ago and here I am again.

Thanks to all of you for your wonderful insights.

08-24-2001, 06:57 AM
"I took my new swim toy to the beach yesterday. What fun. It's like an inflatable chaise. This swim thing has had me pondering on the number of things in life that I don't pursue because of my weight. We have a dream thread over on teh 100#club and one thing I would like to do is white water rafting. I would also like to ballroom dance. Life is too short to gather regrets. "

This is something that I posted over on the lowcarb forum under low carb support. As I was typing and reading I realized that it belonged over here.
What I know=
I am NOT living life to it's fullest.
I am letting my size dictate my activities.
I am sometimes letting my fear hold me back.

I let my size stop me from applying for positions/jobs where "I" think my size would hold me back. That's not for me to decide.

I think that everyone is looking at me when-
I eat in restaurants
I walk in a room
I am wearing a swim suit
I am wearing something revealind\g
I shop for gifts in the "reg size" dept.
I am at the gym

Am I insane? Do I think that my presance is so important to others? They may pause a minute, they are not paying me any mind. WHo are "they " any way?

Well I hope this make sense to people.

SOemthing for me to think about

08-24-2001, 09:08 PM
Wow... well said.

I've let my size dictate my life for several years now. I've not wanted to attend social gatherings (and yet, I'm out there in front of the public once a week...something's different about a social gathering), I've not participated in things like white water rafting or frisbee.

It's dictated who I am, and not just what I do.
It's been in control.


Not anymore!!!!!!!!

I've got a better sense of what it (my size) has done, and now I can see it working and know what it's doing. I'm not going to let it do that anymore.

OP - 12 days

10-05-2001, 05:55 AM
This was a good one.

10-05-2001, 07:52 PM
We have all spent a lifetime successfully being fat. We have not failed at all we are very successful people. Why..... the fat suit is a tool...it keeps us safe from many things.
1) It dulls the emotions... food...it is how we do not cope with our own emotions...we don't.
2) We focus on others totally on order not to deal with ourselves.It is a painful process and one we have successful kept at bay.
3) We are less of a threat to women and a buddy to men(sometimes that hurts) but mostly we are a comfortable presence to all and wanted for our jovial personalities.
4) We don't have to compete so much with others as that is not an option to begin with. As we all know from work to medical care we are not looked at in the same way as our slender sisters. Not even respected in the same way. I know many of us have fought those battles and won respect but we have to prove it all the time.
5) We do not want to be denied ...especially not food but it is the food that denies us our lives.
6) We are afraid of what we do not know, a human condition not a fat one. Slender...we expect total joy when we get there. It isn't true. There are still problems , sorrow and pain that is life but we are used to hiding behind he fat and when it is not there............
7) People do not expect as much from us and we don't want them to. Life is hard enough. That doesn't mean in all ways... emotionally alot is expected of us becuase we are usually the "strong ones" able to help everyone. After all we can stuff our emotions.
8) We are less afraid to die than we are to live face to face with all that life throws at us.
9) We don't even know what it means to be slender. Can you easily picture your self that way with your head attached to a slender body....I doubt it. We are afraid to be the confident , healthy , lovely women we could be. There is always a cost for everything....in this case will you be a different person? Yes you will! You will be more out going, more comfortable in any situtation, you will be more outwardly expressive and sometimes in the limelight. We don't want that. But then that is in large part due to the fat suit we wear for protection.
10) We don't want the eyes upon us because then more is expected....from us. Others try to help ,Thank Them for their loving consideration, you should. They want you to succeed at losing weight not at staying fat. Staying fat is easy.
11) We have to decide what we want and why. We have to want to be the best we can be so that we have more to offer the other people in our lives. But Most of all we have to understand that what we dont give to ourselves other will not give either. So we so often feel, unappreciated, 2nd fiddle to everyone else, even unloved. That is our own doing we have set the stage. In work we are in the background, we do not get the promotions as often,
we have to work twice as hard to achieve less. We do not even get the medical care we should as judgement are made the second we are seen.
12) We prefer to deny all of these things and make life harder perhaps we deserve this punishment after all. I have respect, I have self worth ,I have.... well yes we do to a point but it takes no genius to know that appearance is what first impressions are made of and first impressions may change but their imprint on us are forever. We have made ourselves less than we can be on purpose.

I myself began this process after being molested as a child. The fat suit is a big plus if you don't trust your own sexuality or someone elses. There are may reasons but believe me we are VERY successful people at what we do. Stay fat. It is easier than confronting the issues, it is easier in so many ways but it also robs us of freedom. The freedom to be our best, the freedom to be who we are with out restraint, the freedom to do all the things we would have liked to do, go to the places we would like to go, wear the things we would like to wear and be the freely expressive we so dire to be. All the things we see others do so easily and secretly want for ourselves. We have to be willing to change...our minds, the rest becomes easy.
Love to you all.

10-06-2001, 06:58 AM
Pam All I can say is wow, I am so glad I brought this thread back up. Thank you for sharing. It brought alot to me that I had been ignoring. I havelost 30 #' so far and 29 inches. Enough that people notice. It scares me. I still see myself in the mirror as the same size. I know I must be smaller becuse I am wearing clothes that didn't fit before, but I can't see it. I have used my size as an excuse to not to try and do things, seek new jobs, go have fun etc. Now I am working on not having that excuse. 99% of my battle is mental. I have used my size and food to cope w/ so much. I am getting better but I have a long way to go.

Again Thank you for your trust in sharing something so personal.

10-07-2001, 09:20 PM
Believe me I ignored a lot too. A few truck loads in fact for a long , long, long time. Guilt and shame . Guilty for what I do to myself and ashamed of the results although I promise you know one would know it!!!! I am such an expressive person and so outgoing.....Little do they know the limits that surround me, the insecurity, the shy nature hidden by laughter and overcome to a large degree but still there.
My greatest quality , the one that came hardest, strength of personality and will. I really had to work to get that one but as my true nature I took it to an extreme. I did not consider getting help, I would do it myself, not open up to others(insecurity), hide my feelings to the point that identifying them became real work,
attempting to control my circumstances as well as those I love(really quite funny when I couldn't even control myself), always focused on others in need or in trouble and I was in more trouble than all of them put together. Self destruction slowly and without mercy.Hiding behind my food, alone. Getting mad when a word was said, (hurt)(shame) resenting help from others. Avoiding being the center of attention and when I couldn't I became very, very ill. Now that is easy all I had to do was disappear. First behind food and then from life. Same thing. Why, my heart and soul knew what I had done to myself and it was not a vision I wanted to share with anyone no matter how close they were to me. There is the truth. This time is the first time I have really reached out . Before I came I knew I had to have my head on straight to even do that . It took weeks to achieve. To change my attitudes before I even came here. No one is an Island not even me. My Father once said it takes more courage to cry than to stand with a firm upper lip. You have to be willing to be vulnerable. I came with an open heart and Mouth LOL...so that I could suceed. I learned in life that I can not control life that is in God's hands not mine and it's a good thing because he knows everything I don't but he did give me control of one thing almost totally...me. I promised myself even if you all hated me for my words that all that I am is open to you all, for selfish reasons, I hope I can led some measure of insight here and there, perhaps even help in some small way but my friends the mosst lesson in this life I have learned is that we are all in this journey called life and we need each other to make it through. Together we are sstrong and divide or alone we are not. I love and appreciate each and everyone of you and for the first time since childhood I can say in honesty and proudly, I need you. I need your strength, your help, your concern and your support . I am a strong person but I am not an Island. To be one is to be alone in a crowd and that is not how life was meant to be lived. I grow and am enriched by your presence. All of you.

10-10-2001, 02:20 PM
Pat by the way...it is not to surprising that insecurity comes into a heavy persons mentality after all we are judged at first sight and know it. that"look" that we all know crosses the face and is unable to be hidden, even if it lasts for just a second we don't miss it...ever. Little do they know that there judgements are no where near as harsh as our own.

Why should we trust our own emotions when we are hardly ever validated by others. We all need praise and acceptance and a big pat on the back when we have done well to validate all the achievements we are making. Every human needs that. Most get it easily but we don't. People assume we are destined to fail ...that instills the fear in ourselves or of regaining all we have managed to lose.

We are afraid to say or do anything to hurt the feelings of or offend others much more than most because we are quit experienced at rejection and it doesn't feel good at all. So we end up always trying to please others and the results are we have to stuff our own feelings so much that we are afriad of them , that to release them will make us bad people...unkind. We ssure don't want to hurt someones elses feelings as we have a lot of experience with that and totally understand how that feels.
The truth is sometimes the truth is hard, sometimes it hurts and we have to love others enough to say the truth when needed despite the negative feelings that they respond with. Love is putting yourself on the line for someone else no matter what the cost to you. You know almost always the person will have an adverse reaction and in a short while will work it out and the relationship will be stronger than ever. Sometimes the person we are saying these things to is ourselves.

I have never been to concerned with how others see me but how I see myself and I haven't seen my self in a very good light for a long time but it is returning.

This is a time when I have to put myself first in order to be the fully functional human being I need to be for myown sake and others.

This is a time when I must be first because the people I love and value will never know me as I really am due to excess weight which restricts who I am, how I function, what I do and how I come across as a person. I don't have to say a word about how my weight affects me to anyone they know...it shows clearly to everyone but ourselves.

I am a deeply emotional person. I apologize to no one for this. I am proud to be so deeply caring and feeling. I would never want to be a robot for anything in the world.

I have as much right to my emotions as anyone else does and I have the perfect right to feel as I do. I may sometimes be in error but so what. I AM ONLY HUMAN!
That is my favorite saying as it gives me total permission to be wrong, to fall on my face, to make an *** out of myself, or anything else and it is God given. I am entitled to be less than perfect.

Mostly this time is mine because I have to get back to the person I was meant to be. For the freedom to live my life to the fullest and have that to give to enrich the lives of others.

Being fat is selfish. It is how I keep me isolated from emotions, life,and a variety of other things. It is how I keep me safe no matter what the cost.

I am perfectly able to have aand cope with my own emotions.
I am perfectly able to say no.
I am perfectly able deal with life head to head and toe to toe.

I just choose not to. It is soooo much easier to hide behind the fat suit and keep myself totally safe........ even if it means no one gets my best, my easy laughter my total sharing of all that life has to offer.
God Bless,

10-13-2001, 07:32 AM
Well it took a few days but I didn't want to rush thru a post.

I think that as "I" emerge, thru all these layers of fat I must be mindful of my motivation for my weight loss. I think one of the reasons that I have maintained my commitment is that I am doing this for me this time and look at all the other benefits as the icing on the cake. ( sorry for the food analogy).

In addition to the fact that I choose what goes in my mouth I also choose how I react to my surroundings, people, comments, looks etc. I must keep in mind that My sourse of self worth comes from w/i me not by the above circumstances. and it has nothing to do w/ my size. That means that my life wil still cont. to have ups and downs when I reach my goal. If I place my happiness on my size I will be in for a fall.

i also feel How I choose to see, respect and care for myself is teh foundation for how I allow others to treat me. How can I expect others to respect me for who I am if I don't. I must make and maintain boundaries which is also about self worth issues. If I worry too much about "hurting" people when I stick to my boundaries I have put myself last instead of first. And being first in my life is OK. It isn't selfish, I just have to be mindful and respect others in teh process. I deserve to take care of me.

WoW deep stuff for so early in the morning

10-15-2001, 01:31 AM
Boy Pat, isn't it something....we so rarely realize how much is involved with every aspect of our lives. I want to lose weight. That sounds and seems on the surface so simple but it reminds me of a tree not only are there so many brances that comes from that tree but unseen are the long reaching roots that feed below the surface. The roots of why, when and how that tree lives and functions. We are such complicated creatures and the trick isn't in know the answers but in learning the right questions. We have the answers inside ourselves but coming up with the right questions!!!!!
By the by for al those with Mom difficulties..... like most of all women at one time or another, there is a great book called MY Mother, MY Self , that give a lot of insight. I am a Mommy's girl and my biggest problem was that MOM had no idea as to the power of her words on me nor that despite myself they used to hit straight to the soul. It made me furious at her when really I was mad because I was feeling so defensive of her sometimes harsh and careless words. And ever so critical at times. I came to understand that that was just her nature in general, certainly not "aimed" at me to cause harm she always wanted the best for me. As much as we are alike we function so differently. Funny enough I found out she was just a human doing the best she can jusst like me. Sometimes great and sometimes lousy but always wanting more for me and loving me. Mumsy, is an amazing woman who has managed to survive almost 80 and lived through things I will never have to. Worked in a way I will never have too and for these reasons and ssoooo many more I respect her deeply. Going from child to Adult "child" in her eyes was a job for us both and a war for awhile but we made it. She will always see those things that are no longer a part of me and so long outgrown that I don't rememeber them but she is my Mommy and alway's remembers....Moms do that. She made a lot of mistakes just like I have, just like all Mom's do but she did so much more right and I have her to thank for the disipline I didn't want, the no's I resented, the punishment I "didn't" deserve(LOL), and the guidance that told me she was so out of touch with the times!
Little did I know then, that she was the cat and I was the kitten and as different as the world was and is now nothing is new it is just the same as it has alway's been at it's heart. Life is an ever repeating cycle. I was in my thirties before I got that....and Mom is my best friend and Mom. She isn't perfect who is but I am able to know what is a fact and what isn't and free to agree to disagree without feeling less becuase we are in many ways so different....and yet so alike.
Would you all rather I quit posting here? I would understand if you do. If I am interrupting the flow of such a great discussion just say so. By all means keep it going.
Pat, you have really made major strides in your personal understanding of you and what you really want and need for yourself. It isn't alway's easy but it sure is the way to set yourself free. God , I am so proud of you as a person. Every human being is so special. There is no one else in this world just like you and it takes all the different qualitites of each person to make this life bloom and grow. The world would not do half as well if each of us had not been here. So many lives do we touch and never even know just what a difference we have made. Such is the glory of life. God Bless.

01-06-2002, 08:00 PM
I brought this back up to compliment Jen's thread