100 lb. Club - Michelle big belle and CHRISTMAS AAAAUUGGGHHH
Michelle big belle
12-18-2005, 06:17 PM
:dizzy: This is making me crazy...Well not quite but I am sure you know what I mean. I finally got my shopping done, which I did during the day with my three kids under 4 because my husband was too lazy (I mean tired) to watch them in the evening so I could go out. Anyway, it is done. I have them all stashed in a box downstairs waiting to get wrapped.
We have his Christmas party on Friday night and I was quite responsible and then my girlfriend comes over on Saturday night and what does she bring, this HUGE box of chocolates from Germany. Of course she is single, a six 6 and goes to the gym everyday. YAAA THANKS. Actually thank god, I tried one and they are not very good. hee hee.
I can hardly wait until the season is over. Got on my eliptical trainer everynight last week and did 20 minutes, which my husband doesn't think is good enough. Then this morning we had an arguement and he went out saying he would buy me an exercise video so that I could sit on the couch and watch it. Now how do you make this work with that kind of encouragement. He is one rude turkey. I think he gets meaner because I made the decision not to fight. I will not raise my voice. I just look at him and say "okay, whatever".
Does anyone else live with someone who is always on their case. I am really doing the best I can. I am renovating our home, taking care of three kids, doing all the household chores and then I have to live with THE PERFECT JERK. Anyways, let me know how your Christmas season is shaping up.
12-19-2005, 12:57 AM
I think the day would have gone better had you stashed him in a box to be wrapped up. ;)
Seriously, though, you keep doing your best and let that be your outlet for the anger. Kick that eliptical's a$$ so you can keep on just saying "whatever" to him. He may be threatened by this new person he sees emerging, but he needs to realize she's there to stay.
12-19-2005, 11:52 AM
I think 20 minutes on the elliptical is great. Although I've never actually tried one, I hear they are a good workout. It sounds like you are taking the high road with him and that's great. Tell him next time you're thinking of getting a punching bag and plan on putting his pic on there the for the next time he makes those remarks :)
12-19-2005, 02:09 PM
I also think 20 minutes on the elliptical is fab. :yes: I've only used one a couple of times, and found it really tough going. :faint: Hang in there--you're doing great. I love your decision not to fight with your hubby over his thoughtless remarks. You know he's in the wrong, and that you're doing well. Pointless arguments will only sap much needed energy.
12-20-2005, 11:40 AM
"I think he gets meaner because I made the decision not to fight. I will not raise my voice. I just look at him and say "okay, whatever"."
*chuckles* As anyone who has had to deal with someone who responds like that can probably tell you, while it may not be "fighting" it is definitely an agressive answer. "Whatever" tends to sound dismissive and belittling, and to be used as a weapon by many people when they want to "win" but don't want to argue. I know I sure have had to fight my tendency to do that, to let out my passive-aggressive side when I get frustrated.
If he gets mean when you react that way, and you don't want him to, you might consider other ways of reacting that could defuse his anger without feeding yours. It sounds from what you've told us that he uses your weight and "not good enough for him" exercise program as a weapon.
"Then this morning we had an arguement and he went out saying he would buy me an exercise video so that I could sit on the couch and watch it." That's a classic of him hitting below the belt, on an issue that he knows would hurt. The argument might not have been about weight or health issues at all. I had a friend like that, who was so insecure she'd made snide remarks like that to make herself feel better in comparison to "poor, fat me".
I tried the "I feel, when you, because" formula (which I use a lot when dealing with relationship problems). It focuses not on the other person, which can be seen as an attack and makes them defensive (YOU do this and YOU do that). Instead it focuses on what *I* feel. They can't argue with that. (I feel hurt, I get frustrated)
So you might try something like "Honey, I know you are trying to be supportive of my new determination toward a healthier lifestyle. I appreciate that very much. I need your support. Sometimes, though, I feel hurt when you criticize or belittle my effort. I feel like every effort I make is more than I made before, and I would like you to be able to celebrate that with me. It's a process, not an overnight thing. Thanks."
Then you repeat that, or something like it, each time it happens. Eventually, he might actualy get the point.
If not, you can move to step 2. *snickers* This is from the Miss Manners arsenal, and I usually don't use it on family. It's "kill them with kindness". The trick here is to thank him sincerely for his efforts and to make SURE you don't sound sarcastic. It's really hard to do at first.
"...he went out saying he would buy me an exercise video so that I could sit on the couch and watch it."
You could try to defuse him by thanking him (sincerely!!) for his thoughtfullness in wanting to get you an exercise video (ignore the "sitting on the couch" comment entirely). If you have shopped for videos, you could give him "hints" about the kind that you would find most useful.
"Oh, honey, that's very sweet. I'd love a new exercise video! You know how bored I get with Tae Bo. I've been thinking of trying one of those Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds tapes. A lot of the women on my boards use those tapes with good results. You might be able to find one at Wal-Mart, or even as the sporting goods store, if you're heading out that way."
The trick is to be sure you don't "gush" too much, or it comes off as insincere and sarcastic. And that can be as bad as a "whatever" response when it comes to passive-aggressiveness.
It's really hard to deal with people who you expect to support your efforts when they are threatened and mean-spirited and scared because of it, and they are so mean to you. But there are tools available to you, and you can practice their use just as you practice your healthy choices.
You can do it despite him! But it would be much easier if he could come to understand and accept your need for his support, and give it freely. And if not, you can tolerate the meanness and come cry on our shoulders and vent in our ears.
That's what we're here for! *hugs*
12-20-2005, 07:59 PM
My response would be to punch him in the nose.
(Okay, I know, not helpful!)
12-21-2005, 08:14 AM
My response would be to punch him in the nose.
(Okay, I know, not helpful!)
:rofl: :lol3: :rofl: :lol3: :rofl:
OMG! Jessica, you crack me up! I especially like the "stupid poophead" part!
Any Synger, do you mind if I steal you away for mediation purposes between myself and my own jackass, oops! I mean husband!:D :devil:
12-21-2005, 10:09 AM
"Synger, do you mind if I steal you away for mediation purposes between myself and my own jackass, oops! I mean husband!"
*chuckles* Thank you for the compliment. In truth, I have had some mediation training, and have indeed sat down with some of my friends when they just haven't been able to communicate with their boyfriend/spouses. There are a lot of good tips and tricks out there that can help you communicate your needs and reactions without him immediately feeling defensive.
I don't always follow them... but they ARE out there! *laughs*
12-21-2005, 02:35 PM
Ugh, I can not stand it when I read posts about unsupportive spouses!! Don't these people know that you need support?!!??!?! I would definately take Jessica's advice ;) Except I'd do more than punch him in the nose!! I'd kick him in the you know what!!!!
I don't have much advice for it.. except do what you're doing. Don't let that jerk get to you!! Use it to concentrate harder on showing him what you are doing DOES help! It IS enough.. and HE should be quiet and just say stuff like "You're doing great!" "You're making me proud" or something along those lines. Sorry you have to deal with that :/
12-21-2005, 09:53 PM
Michelle, how long have you been trying to lose weight? If it's been a really long time and you have tried numerous other diets then maybe your husband "feels" like he's trying to "save" you from another diet disappointment by discouraging you from even going through the process. My husband has been on both ends of the spectrum. Right now he's supportive but in the past he has been down right mean when I tell him I'm trying something new.
I am in no way trying to condone what he is saying or doing because it really is the wrong way for him to approach the issue. But, maybe he doesn't know HOW to be supportive anymore?
You must be a very strong woman to be able to handle all that you have on your shoulders right now. Try taking his comments like Popeyes spinach and let it make YOU a stronger person. Don't let him bring you down. Just continue to smile at him and he'll get tired of you ignoring him then he'll figure out that it really doesn't matter what he says, you are GOING TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT! Good luck- you know you can do it, so show him just how wrong he is!