I am bitter and jealous and I want the same, yet I am hitting the wall every time...
I did not have a plan to write, but it hurts it hurted me for years, and I wish it would not. I don't believe I have low self-estime, I don't believe everyone dislikes me. Yet, I am finding myself single to day and that hurts.
I have many guy friends, and I am quite close with many of them to talk about my weight issues. Almost all of them are very supportive and always look out to encorage me to hike or do other physical activities by myself or with them. Some of these guys are my ex-boyfriends, who I am still friends with. Some of them indicated multiple times that if I lost the weight they would surely be very interested in me. But I don't want them back - no love is there, besides all except for one live in other states, and even in today's state I would not want a long distance relationship.
Having said all that I really want to meet someone, being alone is fine, though I am a very social person, I've enjoyed my quiet alone time. My clock is ticking, I am soon to be 30...
Most importantly I am scared that I will be alone all my life. I am doing something about my weight, but when I see others happily dating or rather married couples, I feel pain inside and so I am bitter. I embarassed of that, but it is the truth, and I want to deal with that feeling.
May be I am doing something wrong? May be I am not a marrige material? May be guys who like me, are not given a chance or they do see something which stops them ? (there were only 2 in this category and I know I would always be frusted if I gave in. I did get a dating chance to one, but it was a source of 24/7 fights. I don't want them in my life)
I'd be happy to hear some advice, support, anything.....
(p.s. I am loosing again and this week I got off 8-9 pounds. a good start, but I have a long road to travel. I wish I can have significant someone by my side to cheer for me...)
12-12-2005, 05:15 AM
I don't think you should be at all ashamed to say what you want for yourself. And you know I really think the fact that you know what you want is a big advantage. Its only natural to be a little jealous of people who have been lucky enough to find what you want.
I have to say first of all though...any guy who says he would date you "if you lost the weight" is a guy you should be telling to blow it out his ear. I don't know you but I know that everyone deserves someone who wants to be with them no matter what. If a guy wants to spend time with you he should be saying that he would be with you even if you gained 20 pounds.
So really...I don't think there is such a thing as being "unmarriageable". I hate to say it because it sounds so cliche but I'm sure its just that the right person hasn't come along at the right time yet. I think the best plan of action is to find something you really love and while you are busy doing that you will end up finding someone you love. Just keep your eyes open to the possibilities. I think it is very easy to make the mistake of overlooking someone who may be great because he doesn't fit the ideal...too short, wrong job, lives in the wrong place. I'm not saying settle for the first thing that comes along but just be open to different kinds of people. And make sure that you aren't waiting for everything to be perfect before you allow yourself to fall and love and be happy. I've very guilty of that. Maybe you will be happier when you are thinner but probably you'll be the same person in a thinner body so its important to work on allowng yourself to be happy no matter what the external circumstances are.
I know that if you work on loving your life you will find someone to share it with.
As for specific suggestions...ask friends to set you up on blind dates, join a team (slo pitch, volleyballl...whatever), take a class, try martial arts...whatever floats your boat. I have a friend going through the same thing as you are now and I know how frustrated she can get but remebert a temporary situation. Life can change in the blink of an eye...be ready for it.
12-12-2005, 07:48 AM
I was in the same boat. I gave in on finding a mate, worked on my weight met my husband and have been married 5 years and im 35.
Its almost like as soon as you lose intrest it happens. Love yourself then others will to. ;)
12-12-2005, 08:17 AM
What you're feeling is perfectly normal, hon. :hug: Don't be ashamed to say it.
Casey and Morticia are right, though. Enjoy your own company, learn to really love yourself for who you are, and the right one will probably land right on your doorstep. ;)
Just the fact that you HAVE male friends, and that you're comfortable around males is huge. :yes: There are so many women who are "silly" around men because they don't feel comfortable with them. I'll bet there are a lot of other single women who envy you your friendships with those men.
One other thing... enjoy your alone time now, because you may be missing it one day. ;) I'm blessed with a wonderful husband and two precious children, and while I wouldn't give them up for the world, I miss my alone time VERY much. So just think... there are women out there looking at you with envy in their eyes. :lol:
Hang in there, girl... you're going to be alright... :hug:
12-12-2005, 09:56 AM
You really can't give away what you don't have, and if you don't love yourself, you are going to find it hard to be in a healthy relationship. Remember all that research that found out our body language is 90 percent of our communication? I would venture to say you have a very closed off appearance to men who might be date-material. I know you have male friends, but whose to say they aren't coming off as your S.O. to men when you go out in public.
As for as the ex's who said they'd take you back if you lost weight...I sure hope you told them how you felt. I had one of my closest friends tell me he's marry me tomorrow if I were thin. I told him "and you think I'd marry you?" Needless to say, I married someone else and he followed behind me. His wife has gotten chunky :devil:
Every stage in life has its bonuses and drawbacks. Being married isn't the end all be all. IN fact, just like the previous poster, there are times when I miss my alone time and total independence too. The grass isn't always greener over here. My family is wonderful, but your life has advantages, too.
12-12-2005, 01:22 PM
Now that sounds like a firm foundation for a marriage: "I will love you as long as you are young and beautiful"
Hang in their; you will do fine. As others stated you sound like you have the tools to find a good match in the near future. It could be that hanging out with ex-boyfriends, though, is part of the problem rather than the soultion.
12-12-2005, 02:09 PM
As usual, I can relate to what you ladies are saying! I am 28 and have NEVER had a serious boyfriend, even when I was thin. I sometimes also wonder will I ever get married or even have a boyfriend. Doesn't help having Mom making those oh-so-perceptive-and-meant-to-be-helpful comments! Just keep this in mind: I have beautiful, smart, successful, classy, THIN friends who are in the same boat. It really is a matter of the right person not having come along yet; I HAVE to believe this!
Losing the weight is great, though, isn't it, because it gives us such a confidence boost. Don't forget to treat yourself right, too: buy some cute, well-fitting clothes, get your nails done, buy a new lipstick, etc. Keep your chin up, hon! Mr. Right is out there and you deserve him!
12-13-2005, 01:53 AM
thank you for all of your replies.
yes, i do agree that lipstic, shapeware and other female type items do not realy interest me, but they have to be done for the guys as they are looking for that stuff, even though they complain if you take too long to get ready.
I don't search specifically for anyone, but i do try to get out and enjoy life. I've tried just once to approach a guy I really liked and it was at the gym, yet he lied about his email to me, so it bounced back.
I think the most devastating thing is being alone in the mean time. I see happy couple, and I feel how my time is running out. I am scared, but thank you to you guys I feel less volnarable right now. A little more relieved.
12-13-2005, 04:16 AM
I'm 39, and met my husband four years ago, and married at 36. I was pretty much resigned to life long singlehood, but thought I'd give it one last try. I knew that I had a problems showing guys I was interested, unless they were falling all over me (and then I was likely to be creeped out by the attention, and blow them off).
At over 350 lbs, there was no way, I was going to "embarass" myself by letting a guy know I liked him. There was one guy at work that I liked and we hung out as friends, but while I thought my "hinting" was obvious, he never responded so I assumed he wasn't interested.
Well, I decided to place a personal ad, mentioning everything I could think of that was great and not so great about me, and what I was looking for in a guy. I got alot of responses, but only went on one date before giving up (the date went "ok" and the guy was cute, but 20 years older than he had claimed and almost everything that came out of his mouth was an exageration or out and out lie - and he didn't take rejection well). So once again I had given up (this time FOR GOOD, I told myself). David (my now husband) had left a message on my machine, and although he sounded like a lot of fun, he just didn't seem my "type," and besides the "date" had left such a bad taste in my mouth, I wasn't going to try that again.
Well I kept thinking about his phone message, and finally after three weeks gave him a call, and we talked for three hours, and for three hours the next night.... and the rest is history so they say.
By this time I had taken a new job, but a friend who still worked with my former crush, told me he was crushed when he heard I was engaged. Turns out he did like me after all, but was too shy to say anything (though my friend said I had always been too good for him anyway). Don't know about that, but I do know that if I could find my soulmate, anyone can.
12-14-2005, 03:37 PM
I’m right there with you CBETA. 30 years old, been in social isolation for about 5 years. It’s hard for me to get out due to illness. But I just keep telling myself little things, the little things that can cure or kill, one is that the future is not set. Long ago I stopped trying to see what will be, because it was always bad, and must importantly I was always right. So I’ve forsaken thinking too hard and thorough on the future. like the football player I’ve had to adopt the short-term memory.
Right now I’m thinking about this librarian, but I know IF I were to talk and ask her out it will end badly. This isolation has REALLY jinxed me. I guess it doesn’t help that I’ve only socialized with women while buzzed or drunk.
It does help reading such threads as this one though.
12-14-2005, 04:02 PM
Your clock is NOT running out, don't stress about that. I think you are doing great on your challenges and weightloss. You should feel very proud of yourself and i hope you continue and feel more positive as you make progress. If I could l lose 8-9 lbs. in a week, I'd be flying a giant flag that proclaimed it from my roof!
View yourself differently and value your freedom! You are single, healthy and can do anything you want, go anywhere you please and no one expects you to be at their beck & call. You have so many options, think about it!
12-15-2005, 12:51 AM
View yourself differently and value your freedom! You are single, healthy and can do anything you want, go anywhere you please and no one expects you to be at their beck & call.
May be that's just it. I want to be with someone and I am unable. Noone needs me, and eventually I can just pretend that I need noone. Yes, many of my friends know that I have a lot of experience and when they have a question they do call, and we do talk about their lives not only their problems. Yet, I want someone to call and care out of the blue for no particular reason how I feel. I am affraid.
p.s. 8 pounds... hmm 3 came back. see the 21 day thread for my embarassment. Partially it was due to a short depression related to this.
12-15-2005, 10:56 AM
CBETA. I know that you mean. you just want someone to truly care about you, that you can care the same about in return.
What gets to me is how those in my family that clam to care about my happiness, and who have the means to help, don’t. After 4 years not one has tried to set me up, not so much as once. I’ve been through the whole wondering if it’s me bit. Which when surrounded by such, one tends to think such. And even I will admit I’ve got shortcomings, illness, can’t work, but with as many people as there are in this town, as many dating services, as many dame near free gathering of people, I just don’t see how it adds up that I can’t find someone. Everything cost money, true, but getting out once in a while won’t brake their bank. My family will give to charities but for me they are content to let me just vegetate. It is really amazing to witness what lies people will tell themselves not to help someone.
Well that’s enough *****ing for me. At lest I can afford a few months of Weightwatchers to help me break my isolation.
And I know it sounds chizzy, but it’s true that if you have you health, both physical and mental, you are truly free. You really do have the world in the palm of your hand. But I guess such things are truly relative.
12-15-2005, 11:08 PM
Well, my issue not lack of set up dates by my relatives. They did try. All of them went vey badly so I've asked them to not do it w/o first checking with me. I know a lot of people and twice I met someone I already knew many years back. It was akward, embarassing and I wish it would never happend.
My second problem is that I do primarily spend my time in russian community and would just a tad prefer someone russian speaking... I don't want to lose the cultural jokes, literature and unfotunately I left to young enough to sort of miss big chunks. Yet with americans I do not fit well, for the same reason as I came late enough to miss some basic things, so my knowledge of slang, humor, tv, phrases, popular quotes is somewhat limited and to an average american I come accross as narrow minded and strange.
On top of it, russian men DO want thin wifes. It is strange for them to see me over 70kg girl who is not at the gym loosing weight 24/7. Most women in russia care A VERY great deal about they clothing (a lot more then here) and about how they look. Life is different there, people marry each other in early twenties. That's a second reason that many of them are married by now, and the ones that are not are either jerks, or have issue, or previously married. The last category is the tricky one, either he divorced her because on top of everything else she became undesirable OR she was relly a pain OR he was a pain and should could care less for him. It takes time to figure out this stuff...yet many of them won't even look my way more then just friendly hi, as I am also one of those undesirable to have. Seriously w/o hate they could not grasp what in the world could have made me swallow another good sized adult and be twice the size....They are not jerks, they are smart, and just cannot understand how someone like me, otherwise likable, smart, fun, with very good english could be so undiciplinned, lazy, and unwilling to do anything about it.
12-16-2005, 07:36 AM
yes, i do agree that lipstic, shapeware and other female type items do not realy interest me, but they have to be done for the guys as they are looking for that stuff,
Not all guys are looking for "that stuff". My husband certainly wasn't. If you don't want to do that, and it isn't "you", don't do it. Be true to yourself. If you try to make yourself something you are not, it won't make you more attractive, it will just make you unhappy - and that's not attractive to anyone. You don't have to make everyone like you - just one person, and you want that person to like the real you.
Along that line, if you don't feel attractive, you won't be attractive. So make the best of yourself, work towards how you want to be, and the rest will follow. It will likely take some patience, but time & effort will do the trick. As you see results, you will begin to feel more positive, and that will be very appealing.
12-16-2005, 12:15 PM
Wow, I did know about your cultural background. Seems like you’re at a crossroad to determine which culture to embrace. I’m assuming SF Bay Area is San Francisco. Yes I’m that stupid :P.
I think there are still some amount of people in this country that equate obesity to laziness but I don’t see this as the majority, especially considering a near majority are obese.
12-18-2005, 12:41 PM
Not sure if it is a majority of all people. But the majority of the people I am around are not obese, so out of them majority do equate the two.
No on a good side note for everyone who reads. Just like with weight loss I found my tiny piece of happiness, and boy the whole ordeal brought so much joy for me.
On Friday when I got home, my ex stopped by to pick up some CDs he loaned to me. We are good friends, and occasionally do go for a walk or out for dinner. He was waiting in the parking lot as I drove from work. When we walked up to my door, there was a note of attempted delivery from UPS. I did not even read it, thinking that this was some cupons that I won last week on American Express "Wishlist" that I've been expecting. As I continued to open my laptop and look up a Mediterranian place nearby, he read the note, and said that they will redeliver on Monday and wo-whoo the package is from Flowers.com Wow, that got me going. Flowers, from someone, and I don't know who. What kind? I want my flowers NOW. At least I knew the reason - My b-day (comming up on Sunday). We called UPS, and went to pick it up. Once I got the package, I was so excited, after waiting 1.5 hrs at dinner and 35 minutes of waiting in line anticipation grew to its high. In the car I tried to carefully break the box and see the message, which of course was glued outside the box. I read it, and ... It was still not signed!!! Thinking outloud I already 3 times recited the list of possible senders and how they might know my address. In the evening after calling a few I found out who that was. And yes it was the guy I really enjoy talking to. But he lives clear on the other coast, and never seen me. I do not get my hopes up, I still feel the same, but it was awesome. As my ex said, I'd never think that just a few dollars wisely spent on delivered flowers could bring so much excitement. How easy it is to make a girl happy. And he is absolutely right. It's the little things.
12-18-2005, 01:41 PM
I was married young (20). Got divorced at 22. Went to college, had a career and didn't think I would ever get married again.
Well I did. I got married at 38. And life still isn't over!! yahoo!
I went BACK to college at 46 years old for a professional degree. Then at 49 I got really sick, with MS, lupus, thryoid disease (some of the weight gain, I'm sure), and fibromyalgia. Oh NO. My life was over, for sure. Nope it wasn't.
Now, two years later, I am 51 and passed the state's bar exam. I started Weight Watchers today.
It's not too late to start new things!!!
It's not too late to meet that soulmate,
or to start a new career,
or to lose weight...
12-19-2005, 12:00 PM
Woo, flowers! :) Nothing like flowers to cheer a girl up, right? I wouldn't discount the guy who sent them so quickly, either. My BF of 4 years and I met online. I lived in UT and he was from NY, but we worked it out and we've been living together for 3 years. Anything is possible.
It sounds like you have a lot of... maybe not obstacles, but considerations culturally. The one thing that jumped out at me is that you have to be who you think you truly are, as hard as that is sometimes. It sounds like you're doing that, and that's something to be proud of. You have to stay strong and remember what a good person deserving of love you are, and don't let anyone make you feel badly about that. If that means comments or misunderstandings from people who might not get you, so be it. But you'll be much happier that way, and you'll attract people who care about you for who you are and not who they think you should be. Maybe even guys who care more about your knowledge of Russian Literature than lipstick ;)
I'm sure you know all of that, but I can guarantee that there's someone out there (and more than one, even) who can relate to you and would love to be with you. Don't give up hope, and definitely stay strong. It's so much better to trust and let the pieces of your life fall in place than to blame yourself for things that aren't meant to be just yet.
01-05-2006, 07:18 PM
And so it was almost a month ago, when I started this thread.
No, I've not become thin over this time and no, I did not meet the guy of my dreams...unfortunately.
But as nasty of me as it is I feel better. Deep down not was I lonely, I had hard time watch my 40 some friend date a 30 year old guy...who I cannot say I liked, all I wanted was the attention.... to me...anyway I know it's selfish but we all feel terrible if that were to happen to us. So anyway she's been dating him for a month and discovered that he is a drug adict.... :-( I feel so sorry for her right now, because she got emotionally attached and discovered that he also has a disabilty and now she is in this situation where she does not want to be around someone who does pot, yet feel guilty if she leaves him, because he already has a physical problem and she is afraid to hurt his feelings.
Me on the other hand doing a lot better with my diet, I did try to meet someone over the holidays but back to square 1, I think I should wait. Deep down I am worried that if I meet the guy I might get to comfortable and screw up all of my efforts.
Lesson learned - always (though I knew this one, but perhaps forgot) do not envy others and what they have.... I am kind of thankful I was not in her shoes, because I'd have hard time breaking up with someone in such terrible situation, but at the same time I could never be with someone who takes drugs....sad sad sad.